I love you, Part III

I will never be loved like that again.
It's true.
And, as that realization has come to me
over the last several months,
it made me sad.
I have come to realize that my grief
is not only over the loss of the one I love,
it is because of the loss of the one who loved me.

I had just turned 14,
Al was nearly 16,
when we became "us".
And we loved each other with that
passionate abandon that is only available in youth.
Before life interferes.
Before you become a grown up.

And our love grew as we did.
We were children,
growing up together,
learning about life together,
learning about love together.
We truly became one
because we had not yet become individuals.
That can never happen again.
And so, I will never again be loved like that.

Lanny will never be loved like Judy loved him again!
And he will never again love like he loved her.
They, like Al and I, dated for five years.
They spent 32 years as husband and wife.
They had children together.
They grew together physically, emotionally, spiritually.
They each formed who the other was.
They became one person.

I had already started this post in my love series
when one of my online widows' groups opened this very discussion.
Funny how that happens.
This particular group is women
who have begun thinking about dating,
are dating,
are engaged,
or have remarried.
We have moved past that initial grief where the mere thought
of another man is offensive,
and realized that we do not want to be alone for the rest of our lives.

Following are some thoughts from some of these women
(used with permission, all names (except mine) and some situational details deleted for privacy):

The original post that started the conversation:

Sitting in [a local restaurant], sipping on a half coffee half french vanilla, and reading your posts and thinking about losing someone we loved. About how that flips our worlds upside down, and to some extent that event and the ensuing changes create a level of insecurity even years later, even if we have remarried. We often say its because we lost someone we loved. But as I think about it, that's not really it at all. It's because we lost someone that loved us. Our pain, our scars, are proportional to the depth of love the other person gave us (along with our ability/willingness to receive). It makes me think about agape love. And how well do I love? It's a sobering thought, and has impact in every aspect of my relational world.

The ensuing conversation:

• Wow. I've never heard it phrased like that.
• very good. It is true. I miss how much I was loved. Does this make me selfish?
• [Original Poster] No no no. It is something to treasure. And to ponder. So easily I slip into evaluating (mostly subconsciously) my relationships by how well the other person loves. And when I thought about this today, I realized that our spiritual lives and our relational lives are really all about agape love, God's love for us, and our (my) love for others. (I wonder if what we treasure most about the love we've lost is the agape part of it . . . just thinking.)
• The question,"How well do I love?"....makes me think about being a stepmom. This is a very good thought and post, thanks for the insight. Enjoy your coffee!
• Wow! That is insightful! So true! And I would add that that someone who loved us was the 'only' person to believe in 'me'!!! ...and so our identity, self-worth and security all were devastated.
  That has been a real challenge to really believe and trust God to be and do that in my life! But God also brings others into our lives that can believe in us. :-)
• I keep going over this. .... your post resonates within me deeply.
• Great Point...We lost our other/better half, "and the 2 shall become one". I believe his agape type love toward me helped some parts of myself to finish growing up into the woman God intended, as I met him @ 23 yrs & married at 25. To openly receive new love, with a combining of 2 pre-existing foundations of life/love/people does take courage. I remember realizing this with the 1st new man. I said once " my 20 yr marriage was like being on a leer jet on auto pilot", now I feel like I'm on the ground learning how to ride a bike with you". He commented back "ya, and we need training wheels", lol. Agape love is essential for us to give to others & to ourselves, so that we don't allow the enemy to attack us with those insecurities. We lost so much love, history & our partner for life but Jesus agape love can sustain/empower us daily. Colossians 3:19 Men are called to show Agape love to their wives"....So don't settle for less ladies. He certainly wont do it perfectly 24/7 but I think the key is that he knows what it is & has that love for you. My new husband and I are able to share/understand the pain/grief we both feel and that is unique to us, my first spouse & I didn't experience that together...I did that alone. I've found that creates a unique bond for me & my current husband.
• I can't even tell you how perfectly timed these thoughts are that you shared. I just woke up with this on my mind again this morning: There are ways that [Late Husband] loved me that I miss so much and that are tied up with my identity and security as a person even now. I often feel guilty for missing that and wishing I had that type of love from [New Husband]. It makes me feel selfish and insecure and alone at times. Does that make sense?
• [Name Deleted], I am not remarried but that makes complete sense. I think that is one huge fear I have about remarriage. My husband adored me (I don't know why) which made me feel special. I don't know if I could be happily married to someone who didn't feel that same way about me.
• [Name Deleted], I think what's really hard is the tension I feel as a remarried widow. I was a widow for 6 years and always said I couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. All I can say is [Second Husband's] love for me is different (and probably in some ways better...[Late Husband] wasn't perfect either!). I think there are just times that I really feel that. I want to be reaffirmed by the person that is my closest relationship in the world. My first husband was crazy about me too (not sure why either! Ha) and I [Second Husband] is crazy about me in his own way. [Late Husband's] way spoke to those insecure places deep in my heart and I miss that. A lot. At times. But there are times I think, wow [Second Husband] loves me more than I've ever been loved. It's a very very strange tension as a widow. And I'm trying to let us push my thoughts toward how well I love others but to be honest sometimes I just get stuck on missing what I had.
• Gina Garrett Wow! I've been thinking about this very thing! I'm doing an "I love you" series on my blog and this is the topic of the 3rd installment which should go up today or tomorrow [oops, it's a couple weeks later, more pondering was needed]. If anyone objects to my using some of these excellent thoughts and points, let me know. Thank you for sharing this and all these thoughts!
  
  I miss how much Al loved me! We were children, barely 14 and 15 when we started "dating" and never dated anyone else. We grew up together, with that passion of youth that has no reserve or hesitation. Adulthood hadn't yet gotten in the way when we fell in love. I will never have that again. And I do find myself grieving that. Lanny adores me and I him, but we are not likely to live long enough to ever spend the amount of time together that we did with Judy and Al so that depth that comes from time will never be equaled for either of us. The flip side of that? The passion and excitement of those first few years of marriage is likely to be our existence. So while we have lost something precious, we have also gained something precious!
• I wound up ending [a] relationship, after I realized he hadnt ever loved like that...because he didn't really understand that love, and didn't get grief at all...I realized within the 1st month [he] had issues & wasn't over his wife, he was divorced for 7 yrs. I remember when I first saw her in person, and how he looked at her....I felt totally invisible & like I didn't matter. Sure his words/actions never treated me that way but in that profound moment it was obvious that's where his heart was...with her. It was then that I told my counselor, I was everything to my first husband so there's no way I can be second. Second wife yes but never treated or loved less than agape love. My new widowed husband is crazy about me & he can show me photos, talk/cry about her without my feeling insecure at all, I too feel his pain & it makes me love/bond with him more because we both shared Agape/sacrificial love the first time & now.
• Thanks for this, I thought it was just me. No one loved me or understood me like [Late Husband] except for God. I think part of the problem is learning to live in a different role, with adult children, [and the issues they can bring to the table]. It is so totally different from when we were young & ignoratnt. We love each other with ever fiber of our being... I am so very gratful God brought me [Second Husband]...
• Gina Garrett Yes, [Name Deleted]! That's it exactly! In fact, Lanny's love for Judy actually makes me feel more secure because he DOES know how to love! He loves/d her completely just as I do/did Al; and just as I can do no less with Lanny, he can do no less with me! He is not instead of Al, he is in addition to him, as I am to Judy! And we both understand that!
• Amen, it's a beautiful thing...we even had [Late Spouses] mentioned in our vows, as they will always be part of our family :-)
• I wanted to add to my comments about the love and security that I am receiving from my new hubby... But I was afraid of making some of you ladies feel bad. But since several of you have expounded on your love relationship with your new hubby- I wanted to affirm that as well! It is possible to have that deep, adoring, agape love with another husband! I am in awe of how God has made [Second Husband] for me. I have been so battered and torn down...i havent felt like anyone could ever love me...But God and my [Second Husband] are beginning to build me up again. I still can hardly believe that I have a man who loves me so completely! Is it different than my first hubby? Absolutely! But I choose to dwell on the good differences. Am I different from his first wife? Absolutely! I feel like we owe our first spouses something- as we learned how to do this marriage thing with our 1st! And we are determined to love and respect and cherish every moment and day and month together! We talk alot about our firsts- but dont compare levels of happiness.
• Absolutely [Name Deleted], we say all the time how there is no way we could have done this, it is a total God thing. We even joke that [Late Spouses] may have been helping the Lord along the way. Not biblically supported but it warms our hearts to think it :-). I had days of hope & days of doubt in the dating phase, I think/hope our stories are seen as helpful & encouraging to our sisters.. to trust God has a unique plan & purpose for each of us. And that we can be strong when single, dating or remarried. Each has its own unique areas in which we can show agape love, but we must fully accept it from Christ daily or we won't have a healthy supply to give to those around us.
• Thought about this today. That truth is one thing I recently came to terms with. I realized this spring that how much strength I gleaned from My Dear [Late Husband]. He wasn't full of flattery or a big cheerleader but his quiet constancy and his unfaltering love for me gave me so much strength. And boy do I miss that underlying confidence and strength that being loved gave me. I miss that as much as anything.
• [From original poster] ...[Name Deleted], I've been thinking about your posts. I can truly relate. I was deeply loved. I am deeply loved now. But it is different. (And add to that the fact that memory is a mysterious, living, somewhat evolving, thing. So something good from the past can hardly be held side by side with anything in the present.)I think it is partly that difference that made me think about how well I love, what I want my life here to count for. It changes the focus (and, in return, my present relationship is blessed).
• Ladies. I'm up in the wee hours of the morning. Just reading all of your posts. Just starting on the road of possibly dating and many times I wonder can I love and be loved again the way it was with [Late Husband] again. After reading I see that yes it is possible to be loved and to live again but seems like it is differently but yet the same. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly on this topic.
It is all worth loving again. Us being together is a total God thing. Our [late] spouses are part of who we are & helped shape us & taught us what true love was. We both still love them just as much, but the heart has no boundaries there is always room to more. The pastor that did our wedding mentioned our love for [Late Spouses] & we talk about them all the time.
As [Second Husband] says we are still learning our rolls as it is different...

 Those on the outside of grief don't get it.
They don't understand that we have not stopped loving!
We have not forgotten!
Two years, seven months, six days later,
it is always still there.
Always at the edge.
Always coloring every part of my life.
He is gone.

When Al died,
when he was laid in the ground,
the Gina that was died,
was buried along with him.
When Judy died,
when she was laid in the ground,
the Lanny that was died,
was buried along with her.
It is the way it is with deep love!

We will never be loved like that again.
We will never love another like that again.
But we are not the same people now!
Every aspect of life,
our very essence,
has changed.
Because that's the way it is when you die and are reborn.
Much as when we die to sin and are reborn in Christ.
Changed.
Different.
Forever altered.


And, just like Christ's love for us,
love is limitless!
It does not end when more comes in!
The heart just expands and grows,
embracing, relishing the new addition!
Not instead of!
In addition to!
Agape love!
Eros Love!
Being loved - and loving.

It is a wonderful, blessed gift from God!

I love you, Part II

My Lanny Love and I are in love.
With each other.
And each of us with someone else.
And we're both okay with that.

I suppose to many of you, my dear readers,
that sounds very strange.
Let me assure you, it's not!

We talk with each other about our loves -
both ours for each other,
and ours for those others that we love.
Just this past weekend, he talked about his Judy.
Because I asked.
And he wept.
And I wept with him!
And I talked about my Al.

You see, I'm glad that he is still in love with her!
Because that means he does not give his heart casually!
He didn't to her -
and he hasn't to me!
His love for her is deep and abiding.
It will last a lifetime.
As it should!
And his love for me is deep and abiding.
It will last a lifetime.
As it should!
Once a person has truly loved, it is always there!
Falling in love with another is in addition to,
not in place of!
His deep love for Judy,
his grief over the loss of her,
gives me security.
It is the same in reverse.

I know someone who thinks it's disrespectful
of the new love to talk about the other love.
Believe me, it's not!
Judy is part of who my Lanny Love is!
I want to know everything about him!
That includes her!
My Al is part of who I am.
My Lanny Love wants to know everything about me.
That includes Al!

I haven't always understood this!
"Before", I knew a widower who had remarried.
He loves his beautiful, gentle, second wife so much!
And he loves his first wife still, many years later.
He would sometimes talk about her.
There were pictures and memorabilia of her around.
I used to feel so sorry for his second wife!
I used to say, "Not me, baby!"
Now I understand.
His second wife does not live in the shadow of the first,
she lives in the shade!

Now lest you think we spend all our time talking about our pasts,
we don't.
Shade is only enjoyed when the sun is shining.
Without the sunshine,
it is not shade, it is shadow, darkness.
The sunshine of our new lives
is warm and healing and wonderful
and where we spend the majority of our time.
But there will always be moments of shade.
Needed shade.

So why am I talking about this?
During our conversation this past weekend,
it occurred to me that there is a great parallel here.
True love does not die!
It is eternal!
No matter what!
When they were difficult,
we loved them.
When they were easy,
we loved them.
When they were dull,
we loved them.
When they were exciting,
we loved them.
Now they are gone from us,
and we love them.
No, love never dies.
Except it did!
While we were unlovable,
Love died for us on a cross!
Jesus' undying love,
was so deep,
that He chose to offer Himself
a physical sacrifice for our sin!

Of the many lessons of grief,
The lessons in love are my very favorites!

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

                                                                                                    ~~ John 15:13 NLT ~~ 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: 

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

                                                                                                  ~~ Romans 5:8 NIV ~~ 

I love you!

I learned of a new widow today.

I also had the opportunity to minister
to a man whose wife of many years
received a terminal diagnosis today.

My Lanny Love has been out of the country
for 15 days.
He is on the way home and is,
this moment,
on layover in Paris.
Why that bothers me is irrelevant
outside of the fact that
it brings up great loss for me
which has made me even more anxious
to have him home,
more eager to look into his face to say
"I love you!"

These three things,
and a comment someone made to me a while ago,
have made me decide to talk about saying
"I love you!"

I say "I love you!" a lot!
I say it to my Lanny Love often throughout each day.
I say it to my kids every single time
I see or talk to them.
I say it to my grandchildren every single time
I see or talk to them.
I say it to my siblings.
I say it to my best friend.

And I like to hear it!
A lot!

I have someone in my life
who thinks I say it too much.
I'm not sure why they think that,
there was no explanation offered
and I didn't ask.
I tried to cut back saying it to that person though.
It hasn't worked out very well.
Because I really love them.
And I have to make a conscious effort
to not say it so often.
Perhaps they think I say it casually.
Or out of habit.
Or just as something to say.
I don't.

When I say it,

I mean it.

When I say it,

I am feeling it.

Always!

So, I've been thinking about it.

And today, as my heart hurts for these two individuals

who are grieving the loss of their spouse;

as I wait for my Lanny Love to return to me;

as I think about the loss of my precious Al,

my mother-in-law,

my grandma,

and others over the last two years,

I have decided that I won't cut back or stop saying

"I love you!"

to those I love.

Here's the thing.

Never once have I thought to myself,

"Gee, I really wish I hadn't told Al

that I loved him so often!"

Or,

"Golly, he said that a lot!

I sure got tired of hearing it!"

No!

But a million times in the last 2 1/2 years

I've wished he could hear me say it one more time,

that I could hear him say it one more time.

Just once more.

But once more wouldn't be enough!

I'd want one more after that!

And one more after that!

And...

So say it I will!!!

And I hope you will say it too!

Often!

Because one day, you'll wish you could say it ~

just one more time!

58 and still learning

I am in my 59th year.
It is less than two years until my 60th birthday.
I used to think that was old.
Really, really old!
I no longer do.

Oh yes, I feel a few more aches and pains than I did in my younger years.
I have developed a few lines I didn't used to have.
My hair has grown some, ahem, natural highlights.
But I am not old.
I aged a lot in the last just over three years.
Grief does that.
Still, I look decent for a 58 year old woman.
I feel wonderful most of the time.
And my mind and heart are still 25!
So even though I am 58, I am not old!

I have discovered the fountain of youth!
The anti-aging treatment to beat them all!
No, it's not a cream!
Or a pill!
Or a diet!
Or an exercise program!
It's something that happens inside of you.
It's probably a little different for everyone -
though the foundation is the same.

You may remember that in January,
I decided to begin choosing joy.
That's not always easy!
And I did a LOT of self-talking at first -
still do from time-to-time.
But God and I have returned me to my joy.

It is not the same joy I once had.
Innocence has been lost.
We lose innocence often throughout our lives.
But with the loss comes gain:

Wisdom

Determination

Fight

Personal growth

Spiritual growth

I am a different person today than I was three years ago.
A much different person!
And that is neither good nor bad.
It's just different.
Everything is in a constant state of flux,
including us!
Some changes I have embraced and welcomed.
Others, I have fought, pushed away, run from, ignored.
But nonetheless, I have changed.

I often hear people wishing they could go back in time.
I don't wish that.
Would I change some things if I could?
In my humanness, certainly!
I wouldn't have any losses or the resulting anguish!
But that would have put me in a different place than I am today.
And that would mean not having the growth that has resulted!
While I can't say that I've always enjoyed the journey,
my location is good,
and I am certainly looking forward to where God is taking me!
I miss the people that I've lost and
I still don't understand!
But I love the people that I've gained!

I guess I am truly learning, as Paul admonishes,
to be content in all circumstances,
to accept God's will for my life even when it feels unpleasant to me,
to accept His wisdom in what He allows -
and disallows -
who and what He brings into my life -
and takes out.
It is not an easy path.
But then lack of acceptance wouldn't make it any easier after all -
believe me!

I know.
You say it's easy for me to be content right now.
I am in love.
But my Lanny Love is far, far away at this moment in time.
And, I still have life problems -
just like everyone else -
even though I'm in love.
And even in love,
I don't know what tomorrow holds
for loved ones are not here forever.


Here is what I know.
God has a plan.
I am living His plan.
And that is exactly where I want to live!

Fifty-eight years old.
It certainly took long enough for me to arrive at the obvious!

I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have

and with everything that happens.

I know how to live when I am poor,

and I know how to live when I have plenty.

I have learned the secret of being happy at any time

in everything that happens,

when I have enough to eat

and when I go hungry,

when I have more than I need

and when I do not have enough.

I can do all things through Christ,

because He gives me strength.

                                    ~~ Philippians 4:11-13 NCV ~~ 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

A storm is blowing in

The wind has picked up.
The temperature has dropped significantly.
Gray clouds, heavy with rain, cover the sky.
Lightning is flashing in the distance.
I am sitting on my Lanny Love's patio
watching it coming.
And I am not afraid.

Now, I have never been afraid of storms.
Not the kind that produce wind and rain,
thunder and lightning.
But I have grown to fear the other kind of storms.
The life storms.
Even when there is no evidence of one coming on.

I used to tell my Al that I didn't need to worry,
that he worried enough for both of us.
And I always figured worrying wasn't going to change the outcome anyway.
So I didn't.
And I didn't fear much.
But I loved him.
Deeply.
And I feared losing him.
And, I did.
And then I began to worry.
About everything.

After a bit, I fell in love again.
Deeply.
And I feared losing Harlan.
And I did.
And worry was fertilized.

Now, despite my determination not to,
I have fallen in love again.
Deeply.
And I fear losing him.
And I worry.

But worry and fear are not pleasing to God.
So I work at not worrying.
I pray about not worrying.
And I worry.

My Lanny Love is in Kenya,
serving God on a mission trip.
He has been gone five days.
He will be gone another ten.
He will be going through French Customs,
Paris,
on the way home.
When I learned that,
fear gave way to terror.
It doesn't matter why.
It just did.

As his departure approached,
I became more emotional,
clingy.
I cried a lot.
I had nightmares.
I dreamed of Al.
And Harlan.
And losing Lanny.

The morning of his departure,
during my devotions,
I begged, pleaded, cajoled, promised, bargained.
I told God I just wanted him to come home,
safe and well.
That's all.
Just bring him home to me.

God, never One to ignore His children,
seemed silent to me that morning.
And my fear increased throughout the day.
My head screamed in pain.
My stomach rolled with nausea.
And I felt very, very alone.

As we said goodbye at the airport,
I had to work not to cry,
not to beg him not to go.
I stayed through security.
I watched as he walked down the hall and out of sight.
And still, I did not leave.

I sat for nearly three hours
waiting for his plane -
delayed because of mechanical issues -
to depart.
I was seated where I could see his gate.
I watched as he walked down the glass gateway.
Watched as he crossed over into the plane.
I watched as the plane pulled away from the gate.
I watched as it taxied,
picked up speed,
lifted off the runway.

Then it happened.
I could almost see it.
God's Hand's lifting the plane into the air.
God, lifting my Lanny Love.
God, in control.
More in love with him that I could ever be.
And at that same moment,
He lifted the fear from my heart.

What a relief the last five days have been!
My Lanny Love will still go through Paris,
French Customs,
on the way home.
There are still mosquitoes carrying malaria in Kenya.
There is still...well, there is still something else.
But the fear is gone.

Praise God!!!

Lord, I will thank You with all my heart;

I will sing to You before the gods.

I will bow down facing your holy Temple,

and I will thank You for Your love and loyalty.

 You have made Your Name and Your Word

greater than anything.

On the day I called You,

You answered me.

You made me strong and brave.

                                ~~ Psalm 138:1-3 NCV ~~ 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Kenya

My Lanny Love is leaving for Kenya tomorrow.
He will be gone for 15 days counting the day he leaves
and the day he returns.

Now, I've known since before I even met him
that he would be taking this trip.
But since our relationship became serious
it has bothered me more and more.
Of course there is the expected
"I'll sure miss him while he's gone!"
feeling that is natural when you are away
from someone you love.
But that's not what bothers me.
There is the
"Sure wish I could go with him to minister!"
that is natural for someone who
has spent most of her adult life ministering
in one form or another.
But that's not what bothers me.

I'm scared!

Terrified!

Petrified!

That's what bothers me!

I was nervous,
              concerned,
                             fearful,
when he went to Brazil last month.
And I prayed and prayed for him
and the rest of the team.
But this thing I'm experiencing now is different.
It isn't mere nervousness over his traveling out of the country
during these volatile political times.
It isn't simple concern for his safety.
It isn't even your garden variety,
good, old-fashioned fear.
This is terror.
This is unreasonable.
This is a full-blown attack of satan!

Oh, I know that my recent history
explains why he is using this trip as his tool.
I have lost a lot in the last several years.
It's been hard!
And some of my losses are associated with foreign soil.
So it's understandable that this
is an emotionally charged situation for me,
but it is not okay to display such a lack of
               faith,
                              trust,
in my Creator,
                              my Protector.
My Lanny Love's Creator,
                                                         his Protector!

I've grown tremendously in my spiritual life
as a result of my losses!
And that has really ticked satan off!
And so, he is using my Lanny Love,
a wonderful gift from God,
as a tool to separate me from The Father.
He has attempted to use him,
our love for one another,
in several ways to try to separate us from God.
He has used other people.
He has used our late spouses.
He has used our naturally growing desires.
And he is using my fear of yet another loss.

BUT he WILL NOT SUCCEED!!!

So I come to you, my dear readers,
confessing publicly to you and to God,
that I am afraid.
I covet your prayers for my Lanny Love's safety.
And I covet your prayers for my spirit.

Fear not, for I am with you; 

be not dismayed, for I am your God; 

I will strengthen you, I will help you, 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

                                                                                      Isaiah 41:10 ESV 

Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in everything by prayer and supplication 

with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, 

which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

                                                                                      Phillipians 4:6-7 ESV

For God gave us a spirit not of fear 

but of power and love and self-control.

                                                                              2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not fear or be in dread of them, 

for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. 

He will not leave you or forsake you.

                                                                                   Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV 

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

                                                                       Psalm 34:4 ESV 

Have I not commanded you? 

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be frightened, 

and do not be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

                                                                 Joshua 1:9 ESV

Blindsinded

One of the strange things about grief
is the suddenness of onset
and the things that trigger it.
You'll be going along,
doing well,
and suddenly, WHAM!
Blindsided.
Blindsides happen unexpectedly.
They don't happen on significant dates,
because one expects some sorrow on those days.
Blindsides happen unexpectedly,
out of nowhere.
Both my Lanny Love and I
were blindsided today.

His came first.
Someone he and his Judy knew several years ago
was at church today.
They didn't know Judy had died,
from a distance,
mistook me for her.
So, nearly two years later,
he had to say it again.
That's really hard!

Then tonight,
while singing at a retirement home,
I noticed a sweet little lady resident
whom Al and I had known.
When I went over to visit with her,
she made several comments about
my and Al's relationship.
And there they were.
Sudden tears.
Blindsided.

But in the midst of the tears,
joy!
What a blessing to be in a relationship
with someone who understands!
Someone who has been there,
who, sadly, is still there sometimes,
Someone to share, not just the joys of the now
and a future with,
but someone with whom to share the hurts of today,
and yesterday.

Before my blindside,
I told him what a joy and honor it is
to love and be loved by him.
After, when we were talking about our experiences,
I found myself thinking how much more true
that statement was than I realized even a few short hours earlier.

So, the sorrow and the joy
are mingled tonight.
What a blessing God has given!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

All men are pigs - a different twist

I have talked about men being pigs in the past.
I've told stories and I'm going to tell a couple recent ones.
Then, I'm going to twist my perspective.

Recently, I picked up a client at a car dealership.
On the drive back to the branch,
as always,
we chatted about the circumstances
that brought him to need a car rental.
Turns out he was retired and traveling
when his car broke down.
His accent told me he was from the northeast (Boston).
He told me he now called Florida home -
when he was not traveling.
We talked about some of the places he had been,
some of the things he had done.
He has lived an interesting life.

In the 10 minutes it took to get from the dealership
to the branch,
he felt he knew me well enough
to invite me to spend the weekend
with him in Santa Fe.
I disagreed.

A week later,
when he returned his vehiicle,
it fell to me to return him to the dealership.
It seems that in the ensuing week,
he had decided that I was classier than a weekend getaway
and invited me to go on a Caribean cruise with him.
At his expense, of course,
and explained that I wouldn't even have to pack,
he would buy me anything I wanted or needed as we traveled.
I did not thank him.
I simply said "No!"

During that same week,
another man came in and tried to convince me
of the benefits of menage a troi.
I cut him off after the second sentence.

Then, this last week,
I picked up a man who spent the entire drive
telling me how beautiful I was
and how fat his wife was.
To his credit, when he came back a week later,
he apologized since he felt he might have made me uncomfortable.
Ya think?
He then spoiled his apology by reiterating that I was beautiful
and that if I ever needed a friend, to give him a call.
Yeah, friends like that, I don't need.

But these men -
and others like them -
made me think.
I couldn't figure it out.
I hadn't invited the comments.
I wasn't dressed seductively.
I hadn't made leading remarks.
I am careful not to send out "signals".
So why did these men
feel it was appropriate to proposition me,
a stranger they had just met.
I had to know.
So, after the second incident above,
I went back to my branch and asked my co-workers,
all male,
if women really do commonly have trysts with strangers.
Turns out we do.

I find myself quite taken aback.
I know that there are "those" women out there.
But despite our loosened sexual morals,
I just assumed that the vast majority of women
must at least feel like they are in a romantic relationship
before having sex with a man.
And, I still believe that is true.
However, it appears to take much less
for a "relationship" to develop for most women that it does for me.
And "okay" is a frequent enough answer
that men don't hesitate to ask.
It's worth a shot.

I find myself thinking that
not only are all men pigs,
so are women!
And it makes me sad.

I believe that men and women alike have fallen victim
to the lies that satan has set forth,
made the norm.
That purity is antiquated.
That abstinence is not a reasonable expectation.
And the result is that we have become cheap.
We give the most precious gift we have to offer our spouses
to anyone willing to take it.
By the time we find Mr/Mrs Right,
the gift is used and worn,
completely valueless.
As a result, we no longer cherish and honor one another.

A woman needs to feel special,
     cherished,
          loved.
She wants to be treated like a queen.
But a queen who has moved out of her castle
and into a mud hut
will be treated like the beggar she has become.


A man needs to feel honored
     respected,
          needed.
If he is just another sexual partner in a long line,
he does not feel any of those things.
Nor does he feel she is special if she is just one more conquest.

Even if the two marry,
the loss of "only you"
affects the relationship.
I believe with all my heart
that our modern sexual freedom
is the root cause of the high divorce rate.

I want someone to care enough to wait for me.
I want him to protect my reputation.
I want him to protect my spiritual condition.
I want to care enough about him to wait for him.
I want to protect his reputation.
I want to protect his spiritual condition.
I want us to be willing to struggle against our base insticts.
I want us to respect God and each other enough to not be sexually casual.
I want it to be a special, wonderful gift when I give myself to my husband
and he to me.
I want my wedding night to be the fulfillment of our longing,
not just another night.
I think that, really, most women -
and men -
want that too.
They want special.

I know it's hard!
Believe me, I know it's hard!
But God created us and set up His rules
and guidelines to protect us from ourselves.
When did we lose the desire to serve Him more than ourselves?
When did we lose the self-respect that kept us aware
we were worth more than a one night stand?
When did all men -
and women -
become pigs?

Going steady

July 3, 1971.
He asked me to go steady and I said yes.
He tied a leather strap with three little colored beads
around my neck and it was official.

I was his girl! 

That leather strap did not come off for nearly five years,
until the morning of our wedding.


We had been a couple already for several weeks.
But there was something about it being official,
about the public, visible proof, that was special.
It moved us from

"Yeah, I like him/her..." 

to

"He's/she's mine and I'm proud that we've chosen each other!" 

It was somehow even more significant
than our engagement because four years later,
no one needed the ring on my finger to know we would marry soon.
We always,

every single year even after our marriage, 

always celebrated our going steady anniversary.
It was a very, very special day.


One of the strange things I have discovered about widow grief is that,
very often,
the days leading up to a significant date or a holiday
are worse than the actual day itself and I have struggled
in the days leading up to today,
this third going steady anniversary since his death,
even more than I did the first two.
Perhaps because this year is different.
For the first time since I was 14,
I am someone else's girl on this day.
And it accentuates my loss.

Al will always be my first love. 

He will always be a part of me.
But, after 44 years,
I'm no longer going steady with him.
And, despite my joy in my new relationship,
that really hurts.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day.
So, predictably, I'd like to talk about the fathers in my life.

The "Dads"

My own father and I had a strained relationship.
One of the greatest things I grieved at his death
was the fact that there would never be a chance
to have the type of relationship I always dreamed of.
But, despite our differences,
I loved him.
And, he loved me as best he knew how.
I loved my dad's wit and sense of humor.
I loved his charm.
I loved his intelligence.
I loved his gifts of words and music.
I loved his cooking.

(Sorry, my Lanny Love, that gene got passed to my brother.)

I loved his creativity.

There were many wonderful things about my father.

I love you and miss you, Dad.

I hope you made it!

My father-in-law was my dad.

I never called him anything else.

He could be gruff and hard to take.

He spoke truth.

Bluntly.

And I knew he loved me 

because he spoke truth to me too.

I didn't get company treatment.

I got the same as the rest of his kids.

He was generous, even if it meant giving til it hurt.

He was the third best grandpa I ever knew -

behind my own grandpa and my sweet Al.

He wasn't educated,

but he was very, very smart!

And he loved and cared for and protected his family!

And what a looker he was -

even as he aged, he was strikingly handsome.

In many ways, he was more my dad than my own father.

I love you and miss you, Dad!

You were one of a kind!

My Grandpa

My grandpa was the second best grandpa I ever knew.

He was a wonderful man!

He loved and doted on his grandkids.

I'm pretty sure he knew we could do wrong,

but he never mentioned it!

He was one of the most Godly men I have ever known!

His example of Christ-likeness often kept me on the straight and narrow.

He was wise and, 

when asked,

gave sound advice.

When not asked,

he prayed.

And he comforted when things went wrong.

His example of loving his mate was the example I used -

and am still using -

to select a husband.

I wanted a man like my grandpa! 

I love you and miss you, Grandpa!

Thank you for being a positive constant in my life!

My Sons

I don't have sons-in-law.

I have sons.

They are the two finest examples of sons a mom could hope for

for her daughters and grandchildren!

They are good husbands!

They are good daddies!

They are good sons!

They work hard to provide for my daughters and grandchildren!

They are there for me at the drop of a hat!

I love you, Craig and Dusty!

My daughters are blessed to have you!

And so am I!

My Husband

My Alfie.

The very best daddy I ever knew!

The very best papa I ever knew!

He loved our girls with a passion and appropriateness

that I had never witnessed.

He was attentive.

He disciplined in love and kindness.

He was not a push-over when it mattered,

but those girls had him wrapped around their little fingers!

Daddy was the one they asked first when they didn't think I'd say yes

because they knew he wanted them to have everything they wanted

regardless of what it may cost him personally.

He worked hard to provide for not only their needs,

but most of their wants.

He played with them.

He worked with them.

He taught them.

He learned from them.

He was fun.

And funny.

And one of the four most Godly men I have ever known.

And he loved their mama

and showed them what to look for in a mate

by his example!

Al taught me about the love of our Heavenly Father.

I never understood it until I saw him with our children.

Then, yes, only then, it became clear to me.

And my, oh my, how he loved those grandchildren!

He was "Big Papa" and loved it!

He enjoyed having his grandchildren around!

He loved playing with them!

He loved seeing them grow and change.

He loved teasing their frustrated mama's about how

he "once had a kid like that."

I love and miss you, my Alfie!

I always will!

My Lanny Love

I do not share children with Lanny.

I did not know him, witness him raising his children.

But I see the love he has for them.

And more importantly,

I see the love and respect they have for him!

And I see the love and respect he has for their mama.

And I know that my children and grandchildren are safe with him.

I know that I am safe with him.
One of the four most Godly men I have ever known,

thank You, Lord, for blessing me so a second time!

I love you, Lanny!

I always will.

Happy Father's Day to the dads in my life!

God has richly blessed me!

And I am grateful!

Consolation Prize

I've been thinking about gifts lately.

Miss America.
The winner gets a crown,
a really big bouquet of roses,
a nice contract,
and lots of great prizes.
The runner up gets a small bouquet,
the gratitude of the network for helping increase ratings,
and the distinction of being almost good enough to be the best.
Consolation prizes.

Super Bowl.
The winners get a great big trophy,
a really nice ring,
lots of money and contracts.
The second best team in the nation
gets tagged as losers.
They get a little money,
some may get a contract or two
playing on their status as losers.
Consolation prizes.

TV game shows.
The winners take home a lot of stuff.
Worth a lot of money.
Losers take home a "Thank-you-for-playing" gift
worth $2.95.
Consolation prizes.

Lottery.
Winners line their wallets with cash.
Losers have confetti from the shred bin.
Consolation prizes.

In other words,
people who don't get what they want,
who lose something they planned to win or keep,
get a "good enough" settlement.
Something that is better than nothing at all.
A consolation prize.

When my Al died,
I didn't think I would ever be happy again.
Then I feel in love and,
in the midst of my sorrow,
found a nugget of happiness.
Then more sorrow.
And happiness was again elusive.

I spent a lot of time talking to God
about taking my prize from me.
Not once, but twice.
I didn't understand.
I tried to find that nugget again
and failed miserably.
And God spoke.
"Be still and wait."
And so I did.
And finally, He said, "Now!"
And my Lanny Love.
Who is no consolation prize!
He is winning Miss America AND Miss Universe!
He is winning back-to-back Super Bowls!
He is buying the winning lottery ticket twice!
He is winning ALL the prizes on two game shows!
He is an amazing and wonderful gift from God.

And it has made me think.
Sometimes the Christian life is hard.
Sometimes it is costly.
Sometimes we have to give up things that,
in the eyes of the world in which we live,
are extremely valuable!
A friend.
A job.
A promotion.
A place.
A thing.
A spouse in death.
And, sometimes, even our own physical life.

But these things,
these expensive, precious things to which we cling,
these things are the consolation prize!
They are gifts God gives -
and takes away -
on our journey to get the real deal!

Picture it.
Judgment Day.
God looking in the Book of Life.
Seeing your name written down.
Saying, "Well done my good and faithful servant!"
Jesus, with love in His eyes,
placing a crown on your head,
wrapping you in His arms,
saying, "Welcome Home, my brother/sister!"

The race is hard!
There will be sweat!
Your heart will pound!
Your muscles will ache!
You will sometimes be short of breath!
Sometimes the path will be easy,
but sometimes it will be excrutiatingly difficult.
But when you cross that finish line as the winner,
it will have been worth it all!

Don't settle for the pleasures of this world
in place of the glory in eternity!
Don't settle for the consolation prize!
Run the race to win!
For great will be the reward!

But as it is written in the Scriptures:

"No one has ever seen this,

and no one has ever heard about it.

No one has ever imagined

what God has prepared for those

who love Him."

                                                                  ~~ I Corinthians 2:9 NCV ~~

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

"In My Heart" vs "In My Life"

I've been thinking about my title phrase a lot lately.
As my Lanny Love and I have grown
in our love for one another,
he has become a permanent fixture in my heart.
But being in one another's hearts
is not the same as being in one another's lives.
The two usually go hand-in-hand
with life involvement increasing
as love does,
but not always.
Not if one or the other chooses to keep a part of their life
separated from the one they love,
or chooses not to become a part of the other's life
outside of "just the two of us" relationship.
Unfortunately, lack of life involvement
usually indicates lack of commitment
or readiness for a real relationship
and will eventually kill it.

So, when we first "met"
we read about each other through
profiles and daily emails.
Eventually, we met in person,
exchanged phone numbers,
And began texting each day.
One week later, we had dinner together again.
More daily texts,
some phone calls,
lunch in the middle of the week,
longer, more frequent dates,
lunch with the kids,
well, you get it.
the natural desire to see more of each other,
become more a part of each other's lives
as love increases.

It is a danger signal,
relationship growth stops,
if one or both begin to pull back
or stay at status quo for too long.
If one is shut out
of keys aspects of the other's life,
or refuses to become a part of their life,
the relationship stagnates and,
while the love,
though at some point changed,
goes on,
the relationship will eventually die.

Finally, here is where i am going with this.
It is the same with God!
In the beginning is the excitement,
the desire to know Him,
spend time learning Him through His "profile",
the Bible,
talk to Him about the details of our lives.
We talk about Him some to others,
we begin to assimilate Him into our lives.
We want to spend time with Him,
we want to share our hurts and disappointments,
we thank Him for our joys and successes.
And it's wonderful!

But then He asks to go to that place.
You know the one.
Yes, that one.
That one where you allow no one
or only certain people!
That one where you know.
If you let Him in there,
nothing will ever be the same.
It will change your life.
It will change your relationship with him.
And you tell him "no, not there, not yet."
And you back off.

Suddenly, you aren't spending as much time with Him.
Suddenly, you find that you have other areas that are yours alone,
areas you don't want to share with Him,
areas you don't want touched by His presence.
You don't take Him there.
And you don't take that area to Him.

Oh, He is still in your heart.
You still love Him.
You still want a relationship with Him.
You just don't want it to be all encompassing.
You just don't want it to affect those areas.

And there it is.
You have two separate lives.
The God life where you love and serve Him.
And the other life that you keep Him away from.
And just like in human relationships that are shallow,
your relationship with Him begins to suffer.
You no longer feel as close to Him.
He is not your priority,
that other place has taken over.


A friend posted a wise saying on Facebook recently.
"How do you spell love?
T - I - M - E!
Spending time together."
If you are not spending time with Him,
if you are shutting Him out of key aspects of your life,
He will be the gentleman He always is
and will not go where He is not wanted.
But your relationship will suffer.
It will eventually die.
And it will be your choice.

So where are you not allowing God in your life?
Is it at work?
At school?
In a human relationship?
Is it an attitude?
Is it an emotion?
Where is it?
Where is He asking you to come that you don't want to go?
Is it church?
Is it a ministry?
Where?

Is it worth your relationship with Him?
Make the choice!
Let Him into your life,
not just your heart!
Let Him take you into His life for you!
Let the whole world see!
Let them know you love Him!
That you are His!
That He is yours!
Let Him into your life,
not just into your heart,
and see what happens to your relationship!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Significant Day

Yesterday was a significant day.
I couldn't figure it out.
I'd been sad, thinking about something -
a loss I experienced -
a lot the last few days.
Then yesterday afternoon,
it hit me.
It was a "date".
One of "those" dates.
And I allowed myself to weep for a bit.

I read an interesting blog post on grief and loss today.
I especially like this quote:

I think Christians have an added obstacle to grieving in a healthy way because we get scared when our thoughts are despairing and our emotions are unstable. We punt those thoughts and feelings as fast as we can because we think they mean we don’t have faith. Instead of allowing ourselves to ask the hard questions before a heavenly Father who loves us, we explain away our anger and pain by slapping on some Bible verses and forcing ourselves to smile through the pain.

But this is never what God intended. So many of us are bleeding. And not the type of bleeding that comes from a scraped knee. We’re talking gunshot wounds and jagged cuts. We don’t need a Band-Aid. We need a surgeon.

My Lanny Love and I talked about grief last evening -
in a different context than my grief of yesterday,
but the oddities and survival of grief nonetheless.
A recently remarried widow friend woke weeping
for her deceased husband the other night.
She wondered if it was normal,
even though she loves her new husband
with all her heart,
to still love and miss her late husband.
I, and a number of other widowed women,
told her it was.
She was concerned her new husband,
also widowed,
was hurt.
So I asked my Lanny Love.
He agreed that, from a male perspective,
it was completely normal
to love and miss one's late spouse.
He also agreed one could indeed deeply love
more than one person -
within the context of loss and grief -
without taking anything
from the other(s).

One of the most difficult things to reconcile in this process
is the never-endingness of grief.
While it changes, softens,
the loss is always there and,
from time-to-time,
it feels fresh and new
even as it ages.
And while the type of grief may matter somewhat,
I think that loss of any kind
produces grief.
The depth of the grief is in direct relation
to the depth of the loss.

But there is hope!
God does not want us to remain mired down in our grief!
Regardless of what our loss is,
whether relational through death or break-up,
or an event loss such as job, home, finances, etc.,
we honor God by moving forward!
If we believe God is in control,
then we must believe He chose to allow our loss.
He didn't necessarily cause it,
but He allowed it!

And so, once again,
I picked up the pieces of my broken heart yesterday.
I placed them carefully in God's Hand of mercy and grace.
I turned to Him with tears,
said, "I don't understand..."
And He replied softly,
"I know."
And He held me close,
caressed me,
whispered words of restoration to me.
And I move forward,
live the life He has given me!
With joy!
With abandon!
With gratitude for His touch,
His love,
His understanding,
His many blessings!

Life is good!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~