Season of Thanks, Day Sixteen

We had our first snow today.

It was a heavy snow for a bit.

Now everything is lovely.

Because the air temperature has been so cold,

it is a glittering snow

And the light is reflecting

on millions of diamonds!

Tonight, I am grateful for the beauty of snow!

And then I went to lunch....

I am not superstitious.

I do not believe in horoscopes.

I do believe psychics exist, but that they are of satan as the Bible says.

I do read the fortune when I have my cookie after an Asian meal, 

but don't believe they have any basis in fact.

Today, I had Chinese out with my kids and their families.

And following several bad days and this morning's post,

here was my fortune cookie fortune:

Now what am I supposed to do with this???

For while I don't believe in superstition,

I do believe God speaks to us in various ways.

And this just seems too coincidental following my post this morning.

For weeks and months,

since the very beginning,

God has said it was His will.

That things are not always as they seem.

That it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

That people laughed at Gideon as he marched around the walls of Jericho.

I'm really tired.

Today is NOT the day!!!

Today is NOT the day!!!

Neither is tomorrow!!!

Nor will the next day or the one after that be the day!!!

No matter how much my heart yearns,

the day is not going to come!!!

It is time!

Past time!

Time to tell my heart to hush!

Time to make the bed because I like it made -

not because today might be the day!

Time to do the dishes because I like them done -

not because today might be the day!

Time to do my hair and face because I like to look pretty -

not because today might be the day!

Time to choose an outfit because I like it -

not because today might be the day!

Time to choose life because I want to live!!!

NOT because today might be the day!

I am NOT giving up too soon!!!

The day is NOT coming!!!

It never was!!!

And it hurts like hell to say it!

Season of Thanks, Day Fifteen

 I love music.

I love classical.

And jazz.

And pop.

And rock.

And country.

And blues.

And new age.

And ... well, you get the idea.

I like instrumental and music with lyrics.

It all tells a story.

You just have to listen for it harder in instrumental.

Music helps me worship.

It helps me think.

It helps me clean.

It has the power to inspire.

To energize.

To calm.

 Today, I am grateful for music!

Accepting

I've been thinking about this sentence.

What is it in the human race that makes us accept excruciating emotional pain rather than accepting hard truths? And we do it for months, years on end. 

And the longer our hearts refuse to accept what our minds know, the worse it hurts!

But still, the heart clings.

Why is that?

I have a theory. Sometimes the heart knows best. Sometimes the mind is wrong and the heart is right. Sometimes the mind causes the hurt with evidence. Sometimes things are not always as they seem. Sometimes that sixth sense, that instinct that tells us our mind is wrong, is right. And the pain of hoping, hanging on, refusing to accept, is worth it if the heart is right.

Sometimes it isn't. But giving up too soon is it's own kind of pain.

The human mind and heart are funny things.

Season of Thanks, Day Fourteen

I am sorrowing hard today. Very hard. After a mostly sleepless night, I am exhausted and discouraged and lonely and longing and heartbroken beyond my ability to cope.

Tonight I am grateful that I don't have to cope! The Holy Spirit is carrying me, holding me close, listening to my anguished tears, my cries of sorrow. Tonight I am grateful for the Holy Spirit!

God blesses those who mourn

for they shall be comforted.

                                              ~~ Matthew 5:4 ~~

I will ask the Father,

and He will give you a Comforter

who will never leave you or forsake you.

He is the Holy Spirit...

                                                ~~ John 14:16, 17 ~~

I am leaving you with a gift --

peace of mind and heart.

And the peace I give

isn't like the peace the world gives.

                                       ~~ John 14:27 ~~

Season of Thanks, Day Thirteen

I overslept this morning. I had turned my alarm off the night before because I didn't need to be anywhere on Wednesday morning. This morning, I did need to be somewhere early. Of course, I neglected to turn the alarm back on before going to bed Wednesday evening. Thankfully, I have become an early riser so, while I had to hurry, I was on time.


Then, I had a very busy night. I often don't sleep. Last night I did, but my sleep was filled with dreams! All about being rejected by everyone with whom I came in contact. Friends, relatives, even strangers. Everyone. Fear of rejection much? LOL They were mostly silly dreams of unreal situations, but nonetheless, I thought about the fact that I am obviously - let's say "bothered" by the possibility of rejection.

There has been a lot of "rejection" in my life the last couple years. Sometimes I've been the rejector. I don't like that! At all! Hurting someone for any reason, even if for the best, is not something I enjoy! I have also been the one rejected. I don't like that either! Friends I would have thought would never abandon me have become distant, mere acquaintances, if that. (As an aside, widowhood is not catching and I don't want your husband!) I have been rejected by potential employers, by dates who didn't understand I meant it when I said "I don't do that" until I enforced it, and by family members who accepted me only through Al. Though I broke up with Harlan, I feel rejected by him - a double whammy. And, in some ways, I have felt rejected by God because, in my humanness, when He didn't give me my way, it felt like abandonment. Of course we all know that "no" just means "not this" or "not now", it does not mean abandonment. But still, it felt like rejection. I have often felt a bit like the hotdog looking for an accepting bun and found myself not really belonging anywhere, having no "home".

So, this morning, because I rose late, rather than having my focused time with God, I had to pray on the go and have my morning devotional at lunch. And I realized how important that time is! And it also made me think about how it must make God feel when we don't put Him first. Above sleep. Or work. Or human relationships. Or entertainment. Or whatever else we find to occupy our time leaving little or no time for Him. Essentially, we reject Him. It doesn't feel any better to him than it does to us! And it is multiplied many times over because He is rejected so much more often and by so many more than we ever could be.

And still, He is faithful! Still He loves us. Still He calls us. I love Revelation 3:20:

Behold, I stand at the door and knock.

If anyone hears My voice and opens the door,

I will come in to him,

and will dine with him,

and he with Me.

That the God of the Universe, Creator of everything, would seek us, come knocking seeking acceptance, is amazing and more gracious than is fathomable!

Today, I am grateful for a God who, in spite of my rejection of Him, His commands, His direction, His guidance, NEVER rejects me! No, instead, He seeks me out. Calls me! Woos me! Begs me to let Him in! Thank You, Daddy God!

Season of Thanks, Day Eleven

To all who serve now,

to all who have served in the past,

to all who will serve in the future,

and their families,

my sincerest thanks

for preserving my freedoms

through your sacrifices!

May God bless each of you!

May God bless America!

Season of Thanks, Day Twelve

Thank You, Lord!

For very specific things!

For nothing in particular!

For everything!

Thank You for the mountaintops!

For the deep valleys!

For joyous, happy days!

For days I survive only through You!

Thank You for Your love!

Your mercy!

Your grace!

Thank You for prayer!

Mine for others!

Others' for me!

Thank You for Your great gifts!

Salvation through Jesus!

Comfort through Your Holy Spirit!

All things through You!

Thank You, Lord!

 Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.
    Let the whole world know what he has done.
 Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.
    Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.
 Exult in his holy name;
    rejoice, you who worship the Lord.
 Search for the Lord and for his strength;
    continually seek him.
 Remember the wonders he has performed,
    his miracles, and the rulings he has given,
 you children of his servant Israel,
    you descendants of Jacob, his chosen ones.

 He is the Lord our God.
    His justice is seen throughout the land.
 Remember his covenant forever—
    the commitment he made to a thousand generations.
 This is the covenant he made with Abraham
    and the oath he swore to Isaac.
 He confirmed it to Jacob as a decree,
    and to the people of Israel as a never-ending covenant:
 “I will give you the land of Canaan
    as your special possession.”

 He said this when you were few in number,
    a tiny group of strangers in Canaan.
 They wandered from nation to nation,
    from one kingdom to another.
 Yet he did not let anyone oppress them.
    He warned kings on their behalf:
 “Do not touch my chosen people,
    and do not hurt my prophets.”

 Let the whole earth sing to the Lord!
    Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
 Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
    Tell everyone about the amazing things he does.
 Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise!
    He is to be feared above all gods.
 The gods of other nations are mere idols,
    but the Lord made the heavens!
 Honor and majesty surround him;
    strength and joy fill his dwelling.

 O nations of the world, recognize the Lord,
    recognize that the Lord is glorious and strong.
 Give to the Lord the glory he deserves!
    Bring your offering and come into his presence.
Worship the Lord in all his holy splendor.
    Let all the earth tremble before him.
    The world stands firm and cannot be shaken.

 Let the heavens be glad, and the earth rejoice!
    Tell all the nations, “The Lord reigns!”
 Let the sea and everything in it shout his praise!
    Let the fields and their crops burst out with joy!
 Let the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord,
    for he is coming to judge the earth.

 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
    His faithful love endures forever.
 Cry out, “Save us, O God of our salvation!
    Gather and rescue us from among the nations,
so we can thank your holy name
    and rejoice and praise you.”

 Praise the Lord, the God of Israel,
    who lives from everlasting to everlasting!

                                                            ~~ I Chronicles 16:8-36 NLT ~~

Season of Thanks, Day Ten

Today's high was 82 degrees Fahrenheit in my city.

Tonight's low is predicted to be 20 degrees.

Fireplace weather!

Yaaaaaahoooooooooo!!!!!

As I was driving home tonight, I watched the outdoor temperature reading on my dashboard drop 13 degrees in the last 2.5 miles of my 60 MPH drive. I could see the wind coming from the dust in the distance. As I drove into it, I could feel it's power! 

I love the first real cold snap of winter! It is exhilarating! Exciting!

Today, I am thankful for seasons of all kinds and the changes they bring!

Nope, it's not time yet.

I thought it might be.

Hoped it was.

But it's not.

I've tried to be happy and excited about a date.

But I just feel uncomfortable.

Wrong.

So I'll go.

Because I said I would. 

But only as an acquaintance showing off

the amazingly good Amarillo Symphony to a guest resident in our city.

People don't understand.

In some ways, neither do I.

You see, it isn't my precious Al that holds me back.

It is Harlan.

And God.

Let me try to explain...

...as best I can.

My Al is dead.

He is no longer alive in body.

He no longer inhabits this earth.

His earthbound body lies in a grave where it will remain until Jesus' return.

His spirit lives eternally with God.

I love him!!!

I miss him!!!

But he is gone.

And he is never, ever coming back.

There is no possibility.

And he wanted me to move forward.

And God said I could.

He reminded me that my and Al's love is complete.

He reminded me that we had years of memories.

And I cherish those memories.

I smile at them.

I love remembering our life together.

But it can never be again.

And so I moved forward.

Enter Harlan.

Enter love.

Enter the promise of a life together.

Then the shattering.

 

People who know what happened really don't get it.

They don't understand how I could still love him.

But I do.

And he is out there.

A living, breathing person.

So, despite the impossibility of our relationship,

it could happen.

It is physically possible.

And as long as that possibility exists,

either because of love or existence,

their cannot be anyone else.

With Harlan, it is different than with Al.

The memories with Al are a comfort.

Those with Harlan simply point out the ones that will never be.

I miss what might have been.

What should have been.

What wasn't.

Isn't.

And God is still saying "Be still and wait."

And so I will.

Season of Thanks, Day Nine

I have developed the habit of over-thinking, over-analyzing, over-considering everything in the last couple years. It is the result of too much stress, too much loss, too much confusion and change in my life.

So, today, I am going to simplify. 

I am going back to basics.

Today I did something I very rarely do. I had exactly what I wanted for lunch without considering nutrition, carbs, calories, or anything else other than what I wanted. I had a dish of vanilla ice cream topped with blueberry pie filling.

And it was delicious!!!

And I'm not the least bit sorry!!!

Today I am thankful for 

ice cream and blueberry pie filling!

Season of Thanks, Day Eight

Today is Al's birthday. His 59th. He only celebrated 57 on this big blue marble.

I want to tell you about my beloved.

Al was a big man!

In every way!

Intimidatingly so!

Physically,

he was just over six feet tall. To say he was broad shouldered was a tremendous understatement. A football player and weight lifter in his youth, he built on his naturally large frame until, at his physical zenith, he proudly had a 54 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, and biceps that were larger than my waist. Over the years, babies and providing for his family took over weight lifting and he lost the tiny little waist and replaced it with a good cookin' tummy. But the muscle mass and amazing strength never left him. He was a formidable presence physically. And I loved that about him! He made me feel small and delicate.

Emotionally,

he was an open book. One always knew how he felt about them - or anything else for that matter. He was firm and strong and steady in all his emotions. He loved deeply, completely, unconditionally, no matter what. His family was paramount to him! He loved me, his children, including the sons he had by marriage for he considered them his just as surely as the girls, his grandchildren, his parents, his siblings, those people were his life. Anything and anyone else was peripheral. He also hurt deeply. I always knew immediately when I had wounded him. He didn't say anything most of the time, but I knew. It always made me think of a small animal. His eyes told on him. His face gave him away. Whether I had done it inadvertently (usually) or purposely (I'm ashamed to admit that), I always felt immediate regret. Because he wounded so deeply. But his love for others always superseded any wound they might have caused him and his big ol' arms would come around them - me - and he would inhale the presence of that loved one, allowing the love to wash away the hurt.

 

Spiritually,

he was the biggest man I ever knew! He loved The Lord with all his heart and strove daily, moment by moment, to serve Him completely. He always felt a failure because our human nature is a carnal, fallen one, and we are not perfected here on this earth. He was very hard on himself. He never wanted to disappoint anyone, but most especially God. And when facing trials that would have sent lesser men to abandon their faith, Al kept on persevering, remained faithful to his Lord and Saviour! I have read the Book of Job several times in the last few years. Al reminded me very much of Job. "Do what you will, God. I don't like it, but I won't quit!"

Mentally,

he was one of the most brilliant men I ever knew! He knew a little bit about everything and a lot about most things! He had a thirst for knowledge unlike any other I've ever seen. He could do anything because he could figure out how! And yet, he had good common sense!

Playful

to a fault, he loved toys, both big boy and little boy style. He had a tremendous ability to be silly and have fun! He was just as happy shooting a BB gun as a 45, playing with a toy bow and arrow as with one of his cross-bows. He enjoyed playing. He played with our grandchildren, he played with me, he played a lot. It gave him joy. And it was fun to be a part of his playtime whatever it was. I admit, our kids and I used to sometimes roll our eyes, but we joined in and laughed and played right along with him. In that respect, the most adult man I ever knew, never grew up. And I'm really glad about that! Because sometimes even adults need to play!

I was very privileged to be loved by this man. I was not merely loved, I was adored. The sun and moon rose and set around me in his eyes. I was truly the love of his life. He cherished me. Cared for me. Loved me when I wasn't likable. Loved me with a depth and breadth and height that no poem could ever accurately portray. Very few are so honored by another human being. I was one of the blessed who was!

Today, I am grateful for the 42 birthdays I had the joy of helping him celebrate on this earth. I wish I'd had 42 more!

I love you babe! With all my heart! I always will! Thank you for choosing me!

Season of Thanks, Day Seven

Today I am going more traditional.

I have learned much in the last two and a half years. Some things I never wanted to learn. Some things I wanted to learn but wish I could have learned another way - any other way. Some things that I was shocked by. Some things that simply confirmed what I already knew. Yes, I have learned a lot. And I continue to learn.

But what I have mostly learned is that people are surprising. In many ways, good and bad. But sometimes they aren't at all surprising! And that is what I am grateful for today! Those people who have not surprised me!

My daughters, Chrys and Kim, have not surprised me. They have been the exact wonderful, compassionate, strong, loving young women I thought them to be! They have accepted me at my worst moments. My most foolish moments. They have supported me. They have cared for me. They have taken time they really didn't have to "be there" when I needed them - and when I wouldn't admit I did. They have loved me unconditionally. I could not have survived the last two and a half years without them!

My friend Chris has not surprised me. She has been the "friend that sticketh closer than a brother" just as I thought she was. She has consistently called, texted, emailed, sent cards, offered to help, listened to me talk, laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with and for me. She has made sure to carve out time every single week to have lunch with me. She has been a friend beyond compare! I could not have survived the last two and a half years without her!

These three people have been the consistent face, hands, feet, arms, voice of God for me! Tangible evidence that He cared that I was hurting so badly I often did not think I could survive.

Yes, today I am grateful for Chrys, Kim, and Chris. Very, very very grateful!

I love you all! Thank you so much!

Season of Thanks, Day Six

A funny thing happened on the way to the symphony.

Okay, I wasn't on the way to the symphony.

Yet.

I was at work.

I took a call.

And for the third time in about a month, ran smack into a man that sounded like Harlan. And for the third time, found that this man is from a town in Belgium that is just across the border from the French city in which Harlan was raised. And this time, not only were his accent and speech patterns the same, his vocal quality was very similar.

Each time, my reaction has been different.

The first time I cried.

The second time I shook my head and wondered why another 

Harlan-esque

accent had crossed my path when I was already struggling and hurting.

And then I cried.

This time, I hoped I would be there when he came in. 

Because he really, really sounded like Harlan.

And I just wanted to see him.

I wasn't.

But I came back before he left.

And a co-worker told me he wanted to meet me.

Always aim to please the customer!

So I introduced myself.

A conversation ensued.

He needed a ride.

My company does that.

I took him to his apartment.

Brought him back to the branch.

Forty minutes.

We have a lot of common interests.

Including the symphony.

And before I knew it,

I had a date.

To be honest, I'm not sure how it happened. Or how I feel about it. I'm not sure God has released me to date - I didn't think He had, but have begun to feel like maybe soon, possibly after the first of the year. I'm not sure I should be dating yet. I'm not sure I'm ready to date yet. After all, I am still in love with two men. One dead, one a living, breathing person somewhere out there, very different from loving my late husband. I know that much of the attraction for me is his similarity to Harlan in sound and - it seems - personality. That could be dangerous for me. And unkind to him. I could not replace Al with another. And Al and Harlan were very different. I also cannot replace Harlan with another. And this feels uncomfortably close to trying to do that. I will not knowingly hurt another person as I did this summer!

On the other hand, if Harlan and I are not to be - and it seems we are not - then why would I not be free to enjoy an evening out with an attractive man? This is the first time I have actually wanted to go out with someone specific rather than just make the hurting over my two lost loves go away. Is God finally answering my prayers for closure, giving me permission to move forward, past the hurt?

I find it ironic that this person is so similar,

in so many ways,

to what I desperately want and cannot have.

And it scares me.

Nonetheless, Lord willin' and the creek don't rise,

I have a symphony date in a couple weeks.

And it is just one date.

Maybe we will find we do not enjoy one another. Maybe we will. Maybe we will become good friends. Maybe it will just be one evening out. Only time will tell.

Today, I am grateful for irony.

And I am grateful that God has not, 

after all,

removed my willingness to risk my heart,

be vulnerable,

take a chance.

And I am very, very grateful
for hope.
Hope for healing.
Hope for the easing of anguished grief.
Hope.

And the outcome doesn't matter.
It is the hope of a future led by God that does!
  

Season of Thanks, Day Five

As I mentioned a while back, this is a difficult time for me. There are lots of dated memories and events that hit beginning in October and running through February. Today is one of those days.

Two years ago this morning, I received the call. Every week, Al's blood was drawn to see if he could have chemo or not. Every week it was close. Very close. Some weeks were a no-go. Even the weeks he had chemo were "shouldn't but will" situations.

We had been told at CTCA, the last hope, that they could not offer a cure, but might be able to offer a better quality and a little more quantity of life. Maybe. We had also been told that when the therapies started doing more harm than good, they would stop.

We could see his decline in those days. And we knew. We waited, but we knew. And when the call came, it was official. No more could be done. They referred him to hospice again. The fight was over. The waiting began.

How I grieved that day and in the days to come! How I grieve still! But those days of watching him suffer, seeing his physical agony, were the worst!

There have been times since he went home that I didn't think I would survive. Even in the Harlan days when I had new love and hope for a joyous future, it was hard. Because I didn't love Harlan instead of Al, I loved him in addition to Al.

This week last year was horrendous! In spite of the excitement of new love, I just wanted to join Al. The pain of loss was excruciating. And after my break up with Harlan, I really just lost the "want-to" to live.

I was - am - lonely beyond belief. Sometimes I think I am going crazy - have thought that a lot lately. But the last few days have been better, so maybe not.

So where is this going? Where is the gratitude?

Well, I'll tell you.

I have grown tremendously!

I try not to hope too much now. That sounds strange, especially from me. I've always been the "everything will work out, be fine" girl in the face of the most impossible situations. But I have discovered that much of my hope is fantasy, built on temporal, earthly "things". So I am learning to put ALL my hope in Christ alone, in eternity, not in the temporary joys of this life. And strangely, the more I quit trying to be happy, the closer I seem to get to it. I heard a saying a while back.

Happiness is something we stumble on while seeking Jesus, not while seeking happiness.

I guess that's right. And I am so grateful to God that He has tenderly and gently, through the hurt and loss and sorrow, taught me where true hope and happiness lie - in Him alone!

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

                                                            ~~ Matthew 6:33 NIV ~~