Musing...

My mind is wandering this morning. Flitting here and there, moving quickly from one thing to the next. Even my time with The Lord this morning was disjointed and lacked concentration. So, things I have "wondered" this morning:

• What if today's the day? Wouldn't that be great!!!
• Where is Harlan this morning? What is he doing? How is he feeling? How is he doing spiritually? How is he doing emotionally? Is he healthy or is his blood pressure up? Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was wrong....
• How is Michael doing? Is he healing, moving forward? Has he forgiven me for hurting him?
• Predestination, yes or no? Are some people created for failure while others are created for success? Both spiritually and in life. There are passages in the Bible that indicate that. Romans 9 for example. Judas Iscariot - someone had to betray Jesus. But there are passages that indicate not, that God loves us all, desires that all of us be saved. And if we are predestined, then why give us choice? Are only some predestined while others God gives choice? [Quote from Pastor Jim Loper, Cornerstone Church Amarillo: "God did not make Judas betray Christ and go to hell. Judas had a choice. God wanted Judas to be one of the 12 apostles, but Judas rejected God's plan for his life. The devil needed someone to turn Jesus in. He found a willing subject in Judas. God really had nothing to do with it. In His foreknowledge, God, through prophecy, reported beforehand what was going to happen. It is the stated will of God for all people to repent and believe the Gospel. But we have free wills and can choose to believe or not to believe." Ah, yes. Now I remember!]
• Rick's hair looks really nice longer! Glad he's letting it grow!
• How did satan get out of "outer darkness" where God cast him and his followers and into the Garden of Eden where he was able to lead mankind astray?
• What kind of protein shake should I have this morning? (Chocolate with all natural peanut butter, a touch of raw honey, and a banana. YUM!!!)
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was right.... 
• What if today's the day?
• How are my CASA children doing?
• Oh wow! It's foggy! Dawn and the fog makes everything look so soft! Lovely!
• Where should I go to use my airline ticket credit from a trip I didn't take this spring? Should I go where I originally planned to go? I'd like to, but I don't want to. Sigh....
  
• How much longer are the sunflowers going to last? The weather has already cooled significantly.
• What should I take for the "bonding" at the farm with my friends this weekend? Will there still be bugs or has the cooler weather chased them into hibernation already?
• When will the tarantulas start running?
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was wrong....
• I need to get new weather stripping for my doors!
• Is the ground dry enough to do the final "mowing" of the yard? I need to get that done! What if today's the day?
  
• How come Gabe doesn't bury his poop??? He buries the urine! Doesn't he know the poop stinks too??? Sigh... Out to the dumpster. Stupid cat!
• Will I ever stop missing Al? Harlan? My mom?
• Will I like my new job? Should I have accepted one of the others that was the same exact thing I've done for years and years? Stepping out on a limb hasn't been working too well for me recently........ But I've never been afraid to try something new before, I'm not going to start now! I WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR!!!!
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was right....
  
• Was pretty chilly last night. Prob'ly need to get out the winter bedding.
• Oh my goodness! I haven't made the bed yet! Make the bed, quick! What if today's the day?
• Better stop dawdling, shower, get dressed, and my face on! What if today's the day?
• Have to finish painting the kitchen cabinets. What if today's the day?
• What color should I paint the exterior of the house. That needs to be done pretty quickly or it will have to wait for spring.
• Wonder what it's going to cost me to fix the leaking kitchen window. Hope it doesn't rain again until it's done.
• 15 more pounds to goal weight! I can do this! Yeah, baby, lookin' good! (Pat myself on the back!) Two minute planks today. Increase walk mileage. Need to get a battery for the elliptical so I can keep track of distance when I use it instead of walking. 
• Should I cut my hair? Go short? It's pretty short now, but still so thin... It's finally coming back, but would it look better short in the process?
• I hate stress!
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was wrong.... 

And so on and so forth. Deeeeep breaths! Slow down mind!

What do you wonder?

Love

I've been thinking a lot about love the last few days. For several reasons.

Had I married last winter as intended, today would have been our seventh wedding monthiversary. And whether or not I should is irrelevant, I still love him very, very much. With all my heart. I always will. I still wish... So, love has been on my mind.

Then there is the man to whom I was recently engaged. He loved me very much. I thought that the fact that I didn't love him as I felt I should wouldn't matter, that caring deeply for him and meeting mutual needs for companionship would be enough. He said it would be. We were both wrong. And I broke his heart. I feel terribly guilty about that. But it is for the best. We would neither one have been happy in a one-sided-love marriage. Despite his insistence to the contrary, we were never "meant to be". So, love has been on my mind.

Al is always on my mind. I still love him very, very much. With all my heart. I always will. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The fact that he is dead does not alter the fact of my love for him. He was my high school sweetheart. We grew up together. We grew in love together. We were a couple for nearly 42 years and husband and wife for nearly 37. Yes, I will always love him! So, love has been on my mind.


So where have these love thoughts taken me?

I've thought about loving two men with all my heart. You would think it would be confusing. And when I first began falling in love the second time, it was. But God cleared the confusion. Showed me that my love for Al was complete. My love for him did not conflict with the new, growing love I was experiencing. It was a wonderful revelation!

I've thought about working and trying to fall in love after the hurt. Love is often a decision. Sometimes we just have to will it because no one is lovable all the time - not even the most loveable person! So, I decided I would learn to love him as more than a friend and companion. But it shouldn't be work all the time and more and more I knew our relationship was not God's will. 

I've thought about the possibility of never being in love with and married to someone again. Being single, alone, for the rest of my life. Not what I hope and pray for but a distinct possibility.

And if God releases me to move forward again? I've thought about falling in love again. What if he doesn't love me back or something goes wrong again? For Harlan was God's will for me at that point, I have no doubt whatever, so even if God says "Okay, go!" it could happen! I don't know if I can survive another hurt! But, what if he does, what if nothing goes wrong? How wonderfully blessed I will be to have such privilege!

And I've thought about the love of God. Specifically in relationship to my broken-hearted love for my former fiance. I was thinking to myself recently - on the seventh monthiversary of our break-up - how is it that I can still love him so. In fact, over the months since our break-up, despite very limited contact, my love for him has grown. I have continued to pray for him, even more fervently in fact, have continued to beg God to intervene in his life, to draw him closer and closer to Himself so that one can't tell where the man ends and God begins. And as I have prayed, my love has increased.

I've thought about not praying for him anymore. But I can't stop! And I don't even want to to be very honest! I want God to touch him! I want God to make His will known to him! I want God to grow him in grace! Because I love him. And so, the cycle: I love him so I pray for him, I pray for him so my love grows, I love him so I pray for him, I pray for him so my love grows... A cycle that God will stop in His time if it is His will.

And isn't that the way it is with God? As much as I love Harlan, how much more does God love him and all of mankind! He loved Adam. So much that He gave him Eve because even in the presence of God, Adam was lonely. Adam and Eve sinned, grievously disappointing God and forever changing the relationship. But God couldn't just walk away. Because He loved them. So He sent his very own Son, Himself in human skin, to be the sacrifice so we could remain in relationship with Him.

Think about that!

He sent Himself!!!

Yes! For Jesus Christ is God!!! He sent Himself! Just as I give the sacrifice of prayer and the resulting heart-filled-with-love that causes me great pain and sorrow, so He gave the sacrifice of Heaven, of the honor and glory of the angels, of His rightful place on the Throne of Heaven, of physical comfort, suffering a broken heart over and over again, suffering emotional pain and abuse over and over again, suffering horrible physical abuse and death. For us!!! For Harlan!!! For Michael!!! For Al!!! For me!!! For you!!!

What is your greatest love sacrifice? God's through Jesus was far greater!!!

Yes, He loved us that much, loves us still!!! No matter what!!! Always!!!

Thank You, Three-in-One: Father, Son, Holy Spirit!

"I pray that from [H]is glorious, unlimited resources

[H]e will give you mighty inner strength through [H]is Holy Spirit.

And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts

as you trust in [H]im.

May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.

And may you have the power to understand,

as all God's people should,

how wide, how long, how high, and how deep

[H]is love really is.

May you experience the love of Christ,

though it is so great

you will never fully understand it.

Then you will be filled

with the fullness of life and power

that comes from God."

                                  ~~ Ephesians 3:16-19 NLT ~~

Remembering

This morning, I want to be distracted. From the pain of remembering. The pain of longing. The pain of loving. The pain of loss. The pain of sorrow. So many join me today!

Heavenly Father, I lift our country to You, our leadership, our military, and especially those waking with a giant hole in their lives and hearts this morning. Protect us, guide us, comfort us! In Jesus' Name I pray!

We will never forget.

Life (Bloom)

"I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I'd pay for it later tonight and probably the next three days, but every second of pain would be worth the way I felt right now.

 Mmm, I breathed in. Welcoming life back into my heart. "Life," I whispered to myself, "I love you."

Anastasia reached her arms around my neck and squeezed. "Life loves you, too."

Amazing how much more you appreciate the little things whan all the big things are taken from you."

~~ "Bloom" by Marilyn Grey ~~  

 This chapter, Chapter 9, is the beginning of healing for Sarah. Oh, not physical healing, no. She had begun her physical healing months and months earlier. Right after the fire. Right after everything changed. Right after life left her.

 But emotional healing had been slower. You know, that point when you realize that you don't want to die after all. That there is life after loss.

 Sarah didn't really want to come back to life. Her loss was so great that the thought of living with it was overwhelming.

 I understand.

                         Al's diagnosis

                                     The job I loved

                                                 The home with memories

                                                             Al's death

                                                                        The life I knew

                                                                                     The dreams I had

                                                                                                  Harlan

                                                                                                               The dreams

                                                                                                                            Hope

                                                                                                                                               Life...


Why bother?

I hung on because Al wanted me to. Wanted me to live. But it didn't work.

Why keep trying?

Trying again just meant more pain, more loss.

Why risk it all again?

Because, LIFE is out there! 

It comes softly. Little snippets of happiness. Two snippets. Three.

And before you know it, you are loving life again!

Life never stopped loving you!

 For life is a gift from God! And God loves us infinitely. All the time! Never ending! Always! No matter what!

 I walk every night. It's good for me. Get's my blood pumping. Relieves stress. Get's the endorphins flowing. The last half mile is always hard. It's mostly uphill. I'm tired. I want to quit. But I can see my house from there.

Air conditioning

Cool water

Soothing tubbie

Soft chair

 So I push. Harder. Force myself up that hill. All the while looking at my goal. Home. Comfort.

 Is misery all it's cracked up to be? Hopelessness? Helplessness? Longing for what is lost, what you can never, ever have again? 

No. It's not.

 So hang on! And I'll hang on with you! Keep your eyes focused on the goal - life and God. Our snippets are just around the corner! Start looking for them! Start appreciating the little things! It's where life begins again!

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you.

I will help you.

 I will uphold you with my victorious right hand...

...I am hold you by your right hand -

I, the Lord your God.

And I say to you,

"Do not be afraid.

I am here to help you."

Isaiah 41:10, 13 NLT

Happy Grandparents Day

Be jealous! Just sayin'! ;-)

Grandparenting is the very best!!! I LOVE being a grammie to these three wonderful people! They fill me with joy! They are good, fine youngsters whose mommies and daddies are doing a fantastic job of raising them! I am very, very blessed!

Accepting the obvious

I was talking with a friend on Facebook today about grief. I commented to her that I had no idea how difficult accepting the obvious could be.

It is only recently that I have stopped saying things like "gone home", "ultimate healing", "in Heaven", "with Jesus", "with his daddy and our babies", and the like when referring to my husband's death. While all those statements are true, they sugar coat the harsh truth.

Al is dead.

Dead.

No longer alive on this earth.

Never, ever coming back to life as we knew it.

Dead.

It still hurts, makes me squirm, to say it. Type it. Think it. But it is the truth. And as I told her, God specializes in the truth. And healing from loss doesn't really start until we face the ugly truth of our loss. 

Regardless of what it is.

Feeling safe

I didn't realize until this morning that I have not felt safe in a very long time. Even before Al's diagnosis, we knew something was wrong, had known for a couple years. So for about five years I've been in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it has. 

 Repeatedly.

And I haven't felt safe.

Even before that, life was difficult. 

I didn't feel safe. 

Ever. 

Unless Al was holding me. 

And now I don't have even that.

This morning, my devotional from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young addressed safety.

 

               In closeness to Him I am safe. 

                              No matter where I am, I belong when He is near. 

                                             Together, He and I can push back the darkness.

What an amazing promise! Safe! Belonging! In His light!

When the world is dark and lonely and frightening, He is the light! When things go wrong, I am safe in His loving care! Does that mean bad things won't happen? No! For satan through Adam and Eve ushered bad things into the world and we are all affected. But does it mean I am safe? Yes!

Spiritually safe!

Not only that, but when I walk in the light with Him, I can be assured that nothing happens to me that is outside of His will! How much safer can a person be than in the will of God!

Safe in His Will!

Another revelation this morning. When bad things happen, when my heart is breaking, when it feels like the darkness is overwhelming and I cannot go on - I am privileged to be even more like Jesus who suffered for my sake, for your sake! 

Wow!  

More like Jesus in suffering! 

Like Jesus!

I am safe! Praise God! 

"For you are my hiding place;

You protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of Victory.

The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you."

...Unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord..

...We depend on the Lord alone to save us.
Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we are trusting in his holy name.
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,
for our hope is in you alone."

                                                   ~~ Psalm 32:7-8, 10; 33:20-22 NLT~~

Disappointment

"You remember what you said to me once?" She tapped my foot. "My dream is every day. When I wake up, I want to find something new. Something beautiful about each day I'm given. I want to take the cards I'm given and play them with a smile, not to win, just to play."

"Yeah. I said that when life's biggest disappointment was losing a job or being single."

"Well, try it." She stood, left, and returned with the baby. "Find something beautiful..."

 "...This is so hard, Ella. It's so hard. I felt okay until I came home. Or to your home. Now life is going on all around me and...I want to cry."

                                                                                                ~~"Bloom" by Marilyn Grey

Disappointment. The plan didn't turn out as envisioned.

     He died
          She left you
               They fired you
                    You got cancer
                          You didn't get the promotion

And disappointment is part of the pain! We feel disappointed in ourselves. We feel disappointed in others. We feel disappointed in - dare I say it? - yes, we feel disappointed in God! Why didn't He fix it??? He could have! So, on top of the pain of the loss is the pain of the disappointment, the disillusionment. Whatever your disappointment, your loss. The plan failed. Your plan failed. And it really, really hurts! And life will never, ever be the same.

And, you're right. It won't. It will never, ever be the same. Because the plan didn't go as, well, planned. And things are different now.

But that's life! Plans fail, change! They do! Sometimes because we change them. Sometimes not. Sometimes to a plan that feels better. Sometimes to a plan that feels much, much worse. But life is not stagnant! It is constantly moving. Constantly changing.

What about you? Are you stagnant? Are you stuck on the plan that can no longer be? It's easy to do! It feels impossible, moving to the new plan! Because you still want the old one!

I'm fond of saying "change is difficult, even when it's good change." And that's true. But when it's "bad" change? Oy vay! Not difficult! Excruciating! Debilitating! Horrendous!

But that WILL pass!!! The horror of your loss, that gaping wound, that bleeding, aching, gash, will begin to heal, scab over. Oh yes, you will have to clean it. That will sometimes open it back up and it will hurt again. But the scab grows back. And eventually the raw wound heals. Eventually, there is just a tender scar. And, I hear, eventually the scar stops being tender. It is always there, but it is only a reminder. It is no longer the raw, gaping, seeping, bleeding, deep wound that it was in the beginning.

I think we will always wish the skin were still smooth where that scar is. I think we will always wish that the wound hadn't happened. But it did. And for a reason. Sometimes God reveals that reason. Sometimes He doesn't. But their is a reason!

We can't change what happened. We can only change our reaction to it. Look for the beauty that still surrounds you! The blessings you still have! They are there!!!

     Your children
          Your home
               Your job
                    Your health
                         God, for when everything else fails, God is still there, even when we feel disappointed!

Look for the beauty! Look hard! In the beginning, it's harder to find than further down the road, but it's there! No, it's not the beauty you lost - though don't discount the memory of that beauty as current beauty - but there is beauty! Even if all you can see is a lone flower blooming or a pretty color on something, find it, remind yourself that beauty still exists! Because God exists!

Hang on for now! Hang on! It will get better! I promise!

"I know this is hard, Sarah. It's painful and lonely and hard...It's going to get better. I promise you."

"How can you promise that?" I snapped. He barely blinked. Not phased by my outburst. "Sorry, but how can anyone promise that? I've lost so much."

                                                                                                ~~"Bloom" by Marilyn Grey~~ 

I promise because I know. I have come through some of the journey. I have experienced loss, great, excruciating, loss. Several times in the last two years. And it has gotten better. I promise because I see others who have experienced loss, great, excruciating, loss, and they are further along the journey than I am and they are better still. I promise because God promises! If we trust Him!

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.

He rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the broken hearted;

he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous face many troubles,

but the Lord rescues them from each and every one."

                                          ~~Psalm 34:17-19 NLT

Bloom

I love to read. Lately, I have read very little outside of my Bible. But on Saturday, I started a novel I had downloaded a few weeks ago, "Bloom" by Marilyn Grey. It is the most important book, outside of God's Word, that I have read in a very long time.

It is a book about loss. Terrible loss. Physical loss. Loss to death. Loss of love. Loss of life as it once was. Loss. 

And it is a book about hope! And living!

I will be reading it again. And, over the next few days, I will be sharing some quotes and lessons from the book.

So, tonight's quote is from chapter one. I didn't really learn anything from it. It just expresses so clearly where I have been the last couple of years. 

 "I feared coming home and burdening others. I feared being needy and, most of all, I feared that I'd no longer be able to hide my tears. When someone visited me in the hospital I had enough warning to dry my eyes and put on a happy face. In the world I'd need to hold it in or let it out. And let it [be] known...Ignoring her optimism. I knew the heart of an optimist well. I used to be one. My entire life. Until now. But normal wouldn't exist for me ever again. A new normal, maybe. But not my old normal."

That is the way of loss. Everything changes. And the more you lose, the more things change. And fear and pessimism creep in and leave you incapacitated, unable to live, dead. Just as dead as whatever it was you lost.

But, praise God, we don't stay there!!! Walk with me the next few days, maybe weeks, as I explore resurrection, coming back to life!

It's a wonderful thing!

This-n-that

After yesterday's high of 104, it is a blissful 80 right now, headed to only 93! Hello, September, so glad you're here!

Yesterday was a very, very good day! God spoke to me very clearly in a dream, giving me guidance regarding a situation about which I have been praying blindly for many months. I still don't have answers, but I know exactly how God wants me to pray! God is so good!!!

All three of my grandchildren spent the night last night. That hardly ever happens anymore because, well, my 14, nearly 15, and 15, nearly 16, year old grandsons rarely like to do the same things as my 5-year old granddaughter. Go figure. Not only that, but on Friday and Saturday nights, the nights they can spend the night because they don't have school activities the next morning, they have bigger fish to fry. I'm no longer their best girl. Just sayin'.

But last night was different. No school, no football practice, no track practice this morning. No dates last night. Grammie ruled! And they didn't care that the princess was spending the night! So what did we do? Well, I'll tell you! We watched YouTube video's on each others phones while the princess watched Busytown Mysteries on Netflix. Before we knew it, we were all watching Busytown Mysteries! There are two kitties, two pigs who drive a donut, and a worm who stands upright, wears one tennis shoe, a shirt, bow-tie, hat, and green, one-legged pants, and drives an apple! And they solve really important mysteries! "Who? What? When? Where? Who,what,when,where,why,how?" LOL Believe it or not, we all had fun!

Now, I believe, though they didn't say, but I believe that the boys decided to spend the night because they knew I have been sad lately. One of them sat with me in church yesterday morning. They've both texted more often recently. They are good, caring, compassionate young men! I am a very, very blessed Grammie! 

This morning, we had pancakes and laughed and talked. A good time was had by all!

Last this-n-that. A friend and fellow widow, Linda Lint, posted a very good blog at this link about butterflies, cocoons, and grief healing. Give it a read! Even if you're not in the midst of grief, this post applies to life's problems of any kind!

Off my pace

 Every evening, I walk three miles as part of my daily workout. I carry weights so that my arms are also getting a workout. I am slowly inching my way toward five miles. I will be increasing my route by a half mile on Monday. My current best average pace is 15 minutes even per mile and I am now consistently keeping within a few seconds either way of that pace. My goal is 12 minutes per mile.

Now, I am not a morning person. At all! That is why I workout in the evenings. I used to workout with someone who was a morning person and did his workout as soon as he finished his morning prayers. I enjoyed the together part so I did it, but I HATED working out in the morning. My body just doesn't like to move that fast in the mornings! It wants to be fully awake and it does that slowly! So, when it became clear that the together part was over, my broken heart and ecstatic body went back to evening workouts.

But this morning, I woke feeling really down so I decided to walk early for the endorphin rush. Off I went, my body saying, "Huh??? What are you doing?" I pushed myself to go my normal pace, but even before my adorable phone app made its first five minute announcement of my distance and current pace, I knew I was off. So I pushed harder, tried to make my body go faster. Its response? "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS????????" But I kept pushing.

In every walk, their comes that point when I wonder if it's really that big a deal to go the whole distance. Normally, I hit that spot somewhere between 1.5 and two miles. You

know. That point where I really don't have a choice any more - thankfully! Stopping is not an option. I'm in the middle of nowhere, on the side of the road, surrounded by weeds. Turning around won't help, it is just as far, or farther, to go back at that point, there are no fewer hills, and the "big one" is part of my second double back so I will have it to climb either way. So I push forward. At about 3/4 of a mile into my current route, I complete my first double back and pass my street again. Today, that's where I first wondered. But those endorphins. I ignored my body screaming "GO! HOME! GO! HOME! GO! HOME!" and kept pushing. About 1.3 miles in, I face my steepest, longest climb. I wondered again. I kept on going.

Meanwhile, my pace tracker app kept announcing my distance and pace every five minutes. Still off - by more than a minute. I push harder. At one point, it felt like I was trudging rather than walking. I pushed harder.

It was right then that The Lord spoke.

"My love, why is it good that you are off pace?"

     "Huh? It's not! I'm trying to catch up, push harder!"

"Did I ask you to push harder?"

     "Um, well, no, but I should......"

"No, My love, I am trying to teach you something this morning."

     "Another lesson, Lord? Really? Do I really have to learn another lesson?"

"Yes, My child, you do. Why is it good that you are off pace?"

     "Sigh. I know, 'Give thanks in all circumstances.'"

"Yes, you should do that. But that is not what I am trying to teach you this morning. Why is it good that you are off pace?"

     "Sigh. Okay, Father, I'll think about it. Well, it will take more time for me to complete my walk. More  sunshine and vitamin D." (I am vitamin D deficient)

"Good. What else."

     "More? Sigh. Longer to pump endorphins?"

"Good. What else?"

     "Longer to sweat out toxins?"

"Yes. What else?"

     "Longer to work my arms, additional strength and toning. Changing up my walking style since my pace is off so that I am lunging more, working a whole different set of muscles harder than normal."

"Excellent. What else?"

     "A slower pace lets me observe more of the beauty around me. Things I hadn't noticed on my head-down-focused-on-pace walks."

"Excellent. Apply these things to your life, My love. You laid a route, set a pace, and have been upset that I have taken you outside that route and pace."

    (Head cocked to one side, eyebrow raised) "Yes, Lord, I have been upset. Very!"

"You have pushed. Tried to force the pace. Set the goal yourself. Tried to force the path to bend and curve, climb, descend, and have flat resting stretches where you felt they were needed."

     (Head hung) "Yes, Father, I have."

"Do you believe I love you? Have your best interest in mind? Know what is best for you?"

    "Yes, Father."

"Then let Me set the path. Let Me place the difficult terrain where it needs to be. Let Me give you the flat path when I know you need the rest. Let Me work the muscles harder that need to be worked. Let Me sweat out the toxins of this world from your spirit and give you spiritual health. Let Me give you the emotions I want you to have - and remove them in My time. Let Me shine the light of my glory and grace on you. You will reach the goal - Heaven, service to Me - much more efficiently if you do!"

     "Oh, Daddy God! I never thought of it that way! I trust You, Lord! I will let You set the pace! I will let You form the path! Thank You for showing me!"

"...and he has showered down upon us the richness of his grace—for how well he understands us and knows what is best for us at all times."

                                                                                                  ~~Ephesians 1:8 TLB~~

What if today's the day?

What do you do to motivate yourself to live when it would be easier not to? You know, to get out of bed in the morning. To make the bed. To take a shower, comb your hair, get dressed. Function! We all have those days we just don't want to, but we do it anyway. On those especially difficult days, what is your tangible, earthly motivation? 

Mine is "what if today's the day?". It doesn't matter for what. It just matters that it motivates me to do those things I'd rather not because I'm just too sad or tired or depressed or lazy or - whatever. God uses that phrase to motivate me to function. I used it this morning. I got up. I had my time with The Lord. I made the bed. I put on clothes. I had my breakfast protein shake. I cleaned the cat pan. I took out the trash. I put my breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. Because what if today's the day?

If you are struggling with life - and we all do, at least from time-to-time - ask God to provide you with a tangible thing, something that He and you know will keep you going when it's easier not to. And if you feel so inclined, share it with me - and others who may be struggling - in the comments.

Have a motivated day!


            "I can do all this through Him Who gives me strength."

                                                                                      ~~ Philippians 4:3 NLT ~~

Suicide

I want to talk about suicide. Since the death of Robin Williams, depression and suicide have been in the news a lot. I toyed with talking about it right after, but, really, haven't we heard enough?

Well, no. Because I know someone who is depressed. And lonely. And heartbroken. And is talking about ending their life. And I know just exactly how this person feels.

A little known fact about me is that I come from an extremely broken childhood. I have suffered mental and emotional issues as a result. I have been suicidal. Many years ago, I made an attempt. The last few months, when my sorrow and grief has seemed overwhelming and permanent, suicide has taunted me.

So I know just how this individual feels.

The difference is that I received help. I have learned to know the warning signs. I know that times of extreme stress or sorrow bring on depression, the number one cause of suicide. But I also know that this is temporary. Circumstances change! Emotions change! Our ability to cope changes! Even though hard things feel permanent while we are in the midst of them, they are NOT PERMANENT, they are temporary!

Suicide, on the other hand, is permanent!

So, I want to talk to this individual. And any others out there who are feeling hopeless.

Statistics:

"Family history of suicide, suicide attempts, depression or other psychiatric illness increases the risk of suicide." (http://contactcrisisline.org/resources/suicide/) 

If you choose to even attempt suicide, you are increasing the risk that your children, grandchildren, siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews will do the same. Live for their sakes if you can't do it for your own right now!

This one piece of information, provided to me with the percentage of increase (which I now can't remember, but it was very high, over 50% more likelihood that the family member of a suicide would themselves commit suicide eventually) gave me the strength to fight to live back then. It would have been much easier to have ended my life than to get well, believe me!, but the thought that my precious children or husband or siblings might commit suicide because I had, well, that gave me strength and determination! Grab onto that as I have in the last few months!

"12. How does suicide affect friends and family members?
Suicide is extremely traumatic for the friends and family members that remain (the survivors), even though people that attempt suicide often think that no-one cares about them. In addition to the feelings of grief normally associated with a person's death, there may be guilt, anger, resentment, remorse, confusion and great distress over unresolved issues. The stigma surrounding suicide can make it extremely difficult for survivors to deal with their grief and can cause them also to feel terribly isolated.

Survivors often find that people relate differently to them after the suicide, and may be very reluctant to talk about what has happened for fear of condemnation. They often feel like a failure because someone they cared so much about has chosen to suicide, and may also be fearful of forming any new relationships because of the intense pain they have experienced through the relationship with the person who has completed suicide." (http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/faq_suicide.shtml) 

It's not just your family you affect. It's your friends! Those people who thought to themselves, "If he can do it, so can I!" What happens to them when it turns out you couldn't? And what about those people you encouraged to keep on going with your words? Why should they if you didn't? Why should they stop drinking or drugging or get counseling or ........ whatever else? It obviously doesn't work anyway.

Most family and friends blame themselves for a loved one's suicide. They feel they should have known. They should have been able to prevent it. They even feel they were the cause. They will feel guilt. Now, while that may be the goal for some people in your life, it will not just be that person/people who feel that way. Your child(ren) will feel that way. Your siblings will feel that way. Your pastor will feel that way. Your best friend will feel that way. The little lady in the wheel chair who sits across the aisle from you at church will feel that way. The checker you befriended at the grocery store will feel that way. The shut-in you visited regularly will feel that way. Everyone you touched will feel that way. Google it. You will see the research, the reports, know that I am speaking truth.

Further, having experienced loss and grief yourself, do you really want to put your friends and family through the same agony when the past has proven that things will improve?

If you, like my friend, are in that place of hopelessness, loneliness, and sorrow, I encourage you to FIGHT!!!!! Don't let "it" or "them" win!!! Get help!!! TELL someone you need help, you are discouraged, you are hurting, you are depressed, you feel like you can't go on, you are suicidal!

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL!!! IT WON'T HAPPEN OVER NIGHT, BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!!!






You are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Ps. 139:14), let Jesus help you through your suffering (Matthew 5:4, I Peter 2:21-24, 2 Corinthians 1:8b-9), let Him comfort you and you continue to use your experiences to help others (2 Corinthians 1:3-7).

I pray daily for my friend! Many times, through the night, I waken and lift this individual! Others of you who are at this point, realize that there ARE people out there who care for you!!!! Even those who may be the root of your angst do not want this for you!!! And if they do, they are not worth your life!!! Someone out there is praying for you! God has led them to do so! Rest assured!

I love you, my friend, even when you think I don't! I care what happens to you even if it seems otherwise! So do all the other people in your life!!! DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!!

69 and cloudy

For a little while today, it was 69 and cloudy at the same time in Ferndale, WA, Amarillo, TX, and Paris, France. That is not significant to most people but it is to me. Why doesn't matter. But it gave me pleasure to know that the exact same weather experience was happening in all three places.

The climate of two of these three places is similar. The third is very, very different. Despite the nine hour longitude difference, the latitude of Ferndale and Paris are virtually the same so the weather is often similar

temperature-wise using adjusted time of day. But rarely is it similar at the exact same time. For example, the temperature at 9am in Ferndale is often similar to what the temperature was at 9am, nine hours earlier, in Paris. But because 9am in Ferndale is 6pm in Paris, the temperature is rarely the same in real time. And while both areas do have a lot of cloudiness and rain and are sometimes the same, they just as often are not. Amarillo, however, is much further south on the latitude scale and is very, very rarely the same temperature-wise in either real or adjusted time. Further, it gets very little rain, mostly sunshine. So, for all three cities to have the exact same temperature and weather conditions at the exact same real time, especially at the end of August, Amarillo's hottest month and the time when Paris and Ferndale begin their cool down going into autumn, is exceedingly rare. But today, at 9am/11am/6pm, it happened. And it pleased me. It made me feel a little giddy. And a little foolish. And I laughed at myself a bit.

But then I thought, why would I feel foolish about getting pleasure out of something silly? We get pleasure over silly things all the time! You know,

    a corny joke
            a picture of a unicorn
                    a cute puppy stumbling over his feet
                            skipping
                                    the feeling of bubbles in a soft drink
                                            playing with bubbles in the sun
                                                    rainbows

And really, aren't those the best kind of smiles? The silly ones over things that just make us feel good?

What silly thing over which you have control makes you smile? Do it! Go out and blow some bubbles and have a grin on me!

Happily ever after....

What is "happily ever after"? It is the ending to a fairy tale.

In life, there is no "happily ever after" because life is not a fairy tale! It is reality. Full of joys and heartaches, good times and bad, easy and hard, love and...well, you get the idea. I am learning that pursuing happily ever after is foolhardy because it's not real!

So what are we to do? Are we destined to live lives of mediocrity? Loneliness? Sadness? NO! We are to pursue God and let HIM supply the peripherals!

Sometimes that means our path will be in the valley. And the climb to mountain top may be forested and dark and rocky and steep. Or it may be soft grasses and gentle slopes and streams and cool shade. Or it may be hot sun or cold blizzard. That is up to God.

This I know. The climb doesn't matter. What matters is reaching the pinnacle - Heaven! We only do that by walking the path God lays for us.

Walking with Him. It is all I want.