Offering Grace

I love grace!
I really do!
I have been the recipient of it many times in my 60-some-odd years,
most notably from God!

I rarely post here, or on any other social media,
politically charged comments, memes, etc.
Recently, I have been reminded why.

With COVID-19 has come something worse than a virus.
Fear and panic have come!
These are far more dread diseases than the virus that feeds them.
I am sick with them too.
We all are in one form or another
and in varying degrees.

In the beginning, we were passionately opinionated.
Unfortunately, opinions were often met with derision, vehemence.
I have heard within my own friends list
of people "unfriending" one another
because one thought the situation was overblown,
the other thought it was not.
It made me sad!

Then something wonderful began to happen.
People began to band together,
encourage and support one another.
Neighbors began to share their excess.
The social media posts became more uplifting and funny.
Zoom meetings among friends became the norm.
It made me glad!

But in the last few days,
as some states begin opening
and others are extending the stay-at-home orders,
I have seen the return of vehemence.
Everyone is tired of being stuck.
Everyone is worried about health.
Everyone is worried about the economy.
Everyone is concerned about the political ramifications.
I get it.

But, please, please, please,
let's offer some grace to one another!
I read a statement the other day that really hit me!

Such truth!!!

My boat may be in calm seas ~

Few cases of COVID;

Secure income;

Easy availability of life's necessities;

Friends and family all healthy and safe

I am a contented, happy individual;

I am an introvert and don't mind the isolation.

I may be in a big boat ~

More space to isolate;

Pleasant, safe surroundings;

Plenty to eat;

Plenty to do.

I may have a big crew helping me through the storm ~

Family sharing my home;

Friends checking in on me.

But what if:

My seas are tumultuous ~

Many cases of COVID;

Lost my job, no income;

Wondering how I will eat or feed my children;

I am or I have loved ones who are sick or have died.

My boat is a rowboat ~

Meager surroundings;

Unsafe neighborhood;

No computer, internet, cable.

I am alone ~

I am single;

I am widowed;

I am elderly and cannot have visitors;

I suffer from depression;

I am an extrovert.

The need is so much different!

One is anxious to get out and about,

but they are functioning well.

The other is in a boat about to capsize!

So try to remember ~

perspective is everything!

Those screaming "Let me out!" may not just be bored!

And those screaming "Stay Home!" may have lost someone precious!

I love grace!

May we all be generous with it!

Loneliness

Isolation.
Most people dislike it!
We are accustomed to coming and going as we please.
This time of pandemic isolation is difficult.
Lonely.
Especially for extroverts, children, and folks who live alone.
And MOST especially for the recently separated or widowed
who feel alone even in a crowd.

Those men and women who,
at a time when we really need to be with people,
when the support of friends and family
are what keep them going,
when they are already struggling for anything
to be worth getting out of bed for,
suddenly find themselves sequestered,

alone,

lonely.

And it feels like no light at the end of the tunnel.

I remember those early days of my widowhood.
Having to verbally tell myself

Get out of bed.

Comb your hair.

Eat.

Brush your teeth.

Take a shower.

Get dressed.

I didn't have the strength or desire to do those things.

But I knew I should, needed to.

My children and grandchildren,

my friend Chris and my sister and brother

kept me going in those days.

They called, the came over, they pushed me, they asked if I had eaten.

I don't know that I could have healed -

or even survived -

without their love and support.

My heart hurts for those of you in this position.

And for those extroverts who,

while my introverted self is thriving and building energy 

with this extended opportunity to isolate and rest,

are falling deeper and deeper into depression and

desperation for face-to-face human contact!

My heart hurts for you!

But, something I discovered during my anguished grief,

my choice to live rather than merely exist,

and my subsequent remarriage is this:

There is a yearning within us 

that can only be filled by God!

That loneliness we feel while even in a crowd;

The dissatisfaction with your spouse, friends, family,

is borne of the expectation that they can fill that spot.

And they cannot!

It is God's spot and God's alone ~

and He cohabitates all the other spots!

So when we isolate Him

or from Him,

ALL our spots are lacking!

When Al died,

I tried desperately to make it stop hurting!!!
I ran away from home repeatedly!

I did foolish things!

I deeply hurt myself and others!

And nothing I did made it stop!

I could not give that hole away!

I could not give it to Harlan.

I could not give it to Michael.

I could not even give it to my precious Lanny Love.

No person could cure the ache and longing for Al.

Because the spot in my heart that is his

cannot be filled by another man!

It was not until I gave that hurt,

gave that spot that is Al's,

completely over to God 

and invited Him to fill it to overflowing,

that the hurting went away!

Do I still miss him?

Yes, sometimes intensely.

Do I still love him?

Absolutely and deeply.

But the intense anguish,

the persistent pain,

the constant longing,

those are gone now.

So, while we are isolated,

don't sink!

Text, Facebook, Face-time!

And more importantly,

spend some time with God.

You are not alone!

I know, He is not your missing love, or child, parents, friends, or co-workers.

He is better!

HE, not other people, makes you complete!

You are all in my prayers!

A good life together

Today would have been my and Al's 44th wedding anniversary.
I think of him often, but especially on days like today.
But, unlike in the beginning of my widowhood,
now the memories make me smile.
I do not feel sad today.
I feel grateful!

We had a good life!
We loved each other deeply.
We raised two amazing children!
We enjoyed some empty nest time.
We had a very good life!

But while I miss my Al deeply,
while I still love him and always will,
I am very happy where God has brought me!

In the first couple years of my widowhood,
I spent a lot of time with Job.
I'd get to the end where they all lived happily ever after
and it would make me mad!

“Yeah, that’s all well and good, he got new children.

But the first ones are still gone!

It’s not the same!”

And I was right.

It's not the same.

Lanny is not my Alfie.

But neither was Al my Lanny Love.

And I wouldn't have missed out on

either of them for anything!

I understand Job better now.

I understand God's redemptive love and power better now.

So today, the 44th anniversary of my marriage to Al,

I will revel in my memories,

rejoice in my present,

and praise God for His goodness!

Silver Linings

I am a silver lining gal.
I always have been.
Sometimes I've had to
look harder to find it,
but it's always there!

It can be annoying apparently.
Sometimes we just want to wallow -
and that's okay for a time,
we need to lament!

Like many around the globe,
our grocery stores' shelves are empty.
Some people are panicking, hoarding.
A mild headache or sore throat
is cause for alarm.
Last week, I was out and choked on my own spit.
The resulting coughing fit ensued.
I was an island instantly!
It's a scary world right now.

Our city had it's first confirmed diagnosis
of the dreaded COVID-19 this week.
My Lanny Love and I each have a family member
with a confirmed diagnosis.
We, like the rest of the world,
are in self-isolation,
heading toward forced isolation.
Our world is struggling!

We have cause to lament!
But only for a minute!
Because long-term wallowing
is not helpful!
It makes things much, much worse!

So, true to form,
I am looking for the silver linings in all this.

I'll start with groceries.
My sweet neighbor down the street
had an extra bottle of Dawn Liquid Dish Soap.
She asked if I needed it.
I didn't, but I know someone who did.
She left it on my doorstep,
I'll leave it on theirs.

A neighbor had NO toilet paper.

I always have TP.

(Please don't break into my home,

I am running low at this point.)

I gave her a package.

Another neighbor texted this morning
just to check in and make sure we were okay.

I witnessed a pharmacist

give a customer his own personal bottle of alcohol

because the woman was diabetic

and needed the alcohol for finger pricks and shots

and there were no more alcohol wipes or bottles.

He gave it to her.

I saw an old man and a young one
both reach for the last package of chicken,
both told the other to take it.

The middle school daughter of a dear friend

is doing a daily story time on Zoom

to help relieve boredom for kids 

and give weary mom's a break.

Another friend has made it her mission
to find and distribute diapers to families with littles.

Many of my teacher friends are sharing sites and links

to help moms and dads with education.

I am experiencing, witnessing, and hearing about
many acts of kindness, generosity, compassion, and sacrifice.

These are silver linings!

Even the self-isolation is a blessing!
I am an introvert.
That means being in crowds
and social situations
are draining to me.
I need quiet, alone time to re-energize.
My Lanny Love and I are always on the go.
We are with people
every single day of the week most weeks.
But now, we are now operating from home,
using the phone for visits
rather than face-to-face.
We are finding time to rest.
We are reconnecting.
We have desperately needed some
extended quiet time.
I will be a better minister's wife,
     church member,
          friend,
               person
when this is over and we are free to roam again.

So while I know my penchant for finding the silver lining
can be annoying to some -
as mentioned above,
sometimes we just want to wallow,
and that's okay for a time -
I would encourage you to look around you.
Remember that ALL things pass by God
before they get to us!
And God is good!
So let's find the good in this situation.
Don't miss out on the goodness!!!

Cheescake, drugs, fruit inspection, empathy and compassion

I have learned some things in my life.
In one month,
I will embark upon my 64th year.

How is that even possible!?!

And in the nearly 63 completed years

I have learned some things.

But not everything!

Recently, during my run ~ 

why, at nearly 63 years old

do I find in necessary

to try to look and act 20???

But that is another blog...

~ recently, during my run,
God began to speak to me through a podcast.

In the last several months,

I have been struggling mightily

with my weight.

I have been one of two things most of my life ~

a person who did not eat at all,

or a person who overate.
Anorexia, binge and purge.

I have worked diligently to overcome those things

and find the happy medium.

And I have been very successful

over the last few years.

Until this past year.

Good ol' age 

and the hormonal issues that come with it

have reared their ugly heads

and I have struggled.

As my weight has gone up,
I have struggled with my old friends

and I have found myself thinking,

"If I'm going to be fat anyway,

EAT THE CHEESECAKE!!!"

In the words of Dr. Phil,

"So how's that working for you?"

This struggle has led to some pondering.

I have two people,

dear to me,

who struggle with drug addiction.

Both worked diligently to overcome.

One struggles, but is persevering.

The other is eating the cheesecake.

It's hard not to judge.

Now judgement is one of those sticky wickets.

We jump all over the Scripture
that tells us not to judge.
And we use it to prevent necessary correction.
Especially as adults.
But that is taking Scripture out of context,
one of mankind's favorite past-times.
But that's not what this blog is about.

What this blog is about is God pointing out to me
that one sin is not greater than the next
and that ALL of us have sinned and fallen short
and that ALL of us have struggles.

You see, my food issues are many
and are partially the result of the fact
that I am an addictive personality type.
I could easily have been an alcoholic.
So I don't drink.
I could easily have been a drug addict.
So I take medicines with great caution.
I could have been easily addicted to many things.
But I am addicted to food.

People who do not struggle with this particular addiction
do not understand.
I often hear, "Just don't eat so much!"
And have replied, "Would you say to an alcoholic,
'Just have one drink three times a day and no more!'
because that is what you are saying to the food addict!"
And I still feel that way about quantity eating.
But quality eating is another story.

I have to eat.
Every single day.
And I admit to you freely
that portion control is hard for me,
something I have to be aware of every time I eat.
But I don't have to eat cheesecake!
Not even one bite.
Ever again!
Doesn't that sound awful!?!?!?!

God has been reminding me the last few days,
every single time I think about putting cheesecake -
or whatever other poor food choice I am considering -
into my mouth,
that this is the same as what I expect of my loved ones.
Give up the unnecessary,
but greatly enjoyed,
addiction.
Forever.
Not so much as a taste.
Don't even smell it.
Pass it by in the grocery store.
Give up the friends that will serve cheesecake.
Only go to health food restaurants so I won't be tempted.
For the rest of my life!

My perspective has been rocked!
And my tendency to offer a bit more

empathy and compassion

in the midst of others' poor choices,
has increased.
This is not to be confused with
excusing or enabling.
There are consequences to our choices.
But maybe, just maybe,
my fruit inspection can be put aside
in favor of ~
dare I say it? ~
mercy and grace a bit more often!

January 28 - Seven Years

Today is the day.
The one I prayed against -

and eventually for.

The day my Al stopped suffering.

Every night as I pushed my bed next to his,

I knew it might be the last time ~

the last time I would lay snuggled against him ~

my head on his chest listening to his heart beat ~

the last night I would wait for the next breath.

Every night, I knew it might be the last one.

That Sunday, January 27, 2013,

it was.

I wakened with him on the morning of

January 28

and at 4:59 that afternoon,

cradled in my arms,

just he and I and the angels,

my head on his chest,

his great heart went silent,

the last breath was expelled.

And he was gone.

It was the darkest day of my life!

The anniversary of which I face each year with dread.

But in the wee hours of this morning,

as I sat in my rocking chair remembering,

something occurred to me.

At that very moment,

as Al was slipping into the arms of Jesus,

at that very second,

as God opened the door to Heaven for my Al,

at that precise point in time,

He opened a door for me!

I would not see the door for a long while ~

the veil of grief was too heavy and thick ~

but it was there!

And as God walked me,

carried me,

pushed me,

pulled me,

sat with me through 

the Valley of the Shadow,

He continued the preparation of my heart

for the One He had for my next chapter of life,

preparation begun 

more than a year earlier

with prayer

for a frightened, hurting family I did not know,

a family I learned of through a mutual friend,

a family with a terrible diagnosis,

for a beloved spouse and parent,

a diagnosis I and my children would experience eight months later.

The path to the door would be rocky and hard.

It would have danger points, pitfalls.

But two years later,

I would see the open door

and begin moving steadfastly toward it.

I think perhaps I can look differently now at

January 28.

Perhaps,

just as I am now able to look at pictures

and smile,

rather than cry,

revel in the memories,

and rejoice,

rather than grieve,

perhaps I can begin to look at 

January 28

as the beginning

rather than the end.

The Beginning ~

for my Al ~

     wholeness,

          no more suffering,

               Home;

for me ~

     refinement,

          polishing,

               learning who I am,

                    learning that I had a future ~

                         a wonderful future.

God opened a door that day.

I will mourn my loss still ~

for it was the greatest loss of my life! ~

and I miss my first Love.

But I will focus on the open door for both of us,

the joy God has granted both of us,

the healing God has wrought in both of us.

And I will praise His name!

Holidays, reflections, and resolutions

I am shocked!

I really am!

I didn't realize!

How can it be nearly 5 months since I last posted a blog???

I have thought about blogging often.

Have had some great ideas,

things I NEEDED to write and post!

Things I felt God urging me to write and post!

But I've been so swamped!

So busy!

Too busy!

Too busy to pause to do His bidding in an area I thoroughly enjoy - writing,

an area that felt selfish to me.

Too busy to take care of the things to which He has entrusted me.

To busy to take care of myself....

I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently.

I am a Christmas junkie!

I love the holidays!

Beginning with Thanksgiving

and going through Epiphany,

I celebrate!

Family 

Friends

The birth of our Saviour

I celebrate joyously, extravagantly.

But today is January 2 

and I have not yet celebrated.

Oh, I did it all.

All the decorating.

All the cooking.

All the entertaining.

But I haven't celebrated,

I've only done my duties.

I am ready to take down all the lights and decorations!

I don't want to wait until the day after Epiphany

as I always have.

I just want to be done.

This happened to some degree last year as well,

which tells me my decline has been a while coming,

but not like this year!

This year, I didn't look forward to Christmas!

I dreaded getting out the trees

and the lights

and the candles

and the table decorations

and the village

and the fabrics

and the pillows

and the Nativities.....

I was just too tired and busy

to add more to my plate

and Christmas means company

and entertaining

and shopping

and cooking

and........

And I was just too tired and busy.

Now, most of these things that are keeping me so busy

are good things!

I have expanded my roll in our ministry in our neighborhood.

I have worked on strengthening important relationships.

I have been a helper and listening ear to a number of people in crisis.

I have started a new business.

I have busied myself with admirable things.

Because I "should".

But have I truly honored God or my husband in all my pursuits?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few months,

how tired and busy I have become.

Too tired.

Too busy.

I've stopped spending quality time with the Lord.

I've stopped giving quality Gina to my Lanny Love.

I've stopped sleeping again.

I've stopped exercising regularly.

I've stopped eating properly.

I've started worrying and fretting more.

I've become impatient and done a lot of "eye-rolling".

My home has suffered as I have gotten busier.

I've stopped doing things just for pleasure,

just because I enjoy doing them.

I've given up a lot of what I enjoy

in order to accomplish what I need to get done.

I have not felt well.

I've gained weight, aged.

This does not please me!

Nor does it please God!

You know, even He rests

and does things for pleasure!

Why, we were created for His pleasure!

And I don't think He has gotten much pleasure out of me this year.

I have two callings on my life!

Only two!

I am to serve God with all my heart, mind, and strength,

and I am to love others!

This is the foundation of all other commandments!

I have given an "appearance" of doing that,

but in reality,

I have put God in the background,

giving Him an obligatory "pat on the head" each day

as I rushed about my "work for the Kingdom".

And the one person that God expects me to love best,

my Lanny Love,

has experienced less "bride"

and more "wife" this year.

Now, I will tell you

that I gave up making New Year's resolutions

many years ago.

Rather, I seek to improve daily

and when I see something that needs improving,

I don't wait for January to work on it!

But it happens that the culmination

of several months of self-reflection

has happened at the first of the year.

So, with God's help,

I am going to work on some things:

on spending quality time with the Lord;

on giving my precious husband more "bride" and less "wife";

on taking care of my health

by making time for healthy diet and exercise habits

and taking some time to rest and relax,

doing things I enjoy -

like writing and blogging -

and less time doing all those things

that "need" to be done!

It's not a New Year's resolution,

it's a God-given direction!

May He find me faithful!

Jesus answered, 

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, 

all your soul, 

and all your mind.’

This is the first and most important command.

And the second command is like the first: 

‘Love your neighbor 

[my husband is my nearest neighbor!]

as you love yourself.’ 

All the law and the writings of the prophets 

depend on these two commands.” 

 ~~ Matthew 22:37-40

I want to go home

Our air conditioning is out.
In our neck of the woods,
the temperatures are triple digit at this time of year.
No AC is not a good thing!

But we are very blessed!

We have options
other than simply being hot
for the two weeks it will take
for the part to arrive.
We have the "Country Estate",
the house I owned and lived in
before my Lanny Love and I married.
It has been rental property for a couple years.
Now, it is our business office.
An air mattress,
(surprisingly comfy!)
and a few things brought out,
and it's a cozy, temporary home away from home.

We are very blessed!

But I want to go home.
I have been increasingly unsettled
during the last several days.
Feelings of sadness and depression
have been creeping in.
The memories are all around me.
When I go to sleep,
they are there.
When I waken,
they are there.
Throughout the day,
they are there.
They invade my dreams.

Memories of illness and death.
Loss and sorrow.
Great loneliness.
Shame and guilt.
Confusion.
Betrayal.
Fearful memories -
and fears over the unknown ahead.

Tonight, I am taking these memories and fears out
and giving them a thorough examination
in the light of God's mercy and grace.
And I'm remembering some other memories
in the process.
Precious last days together.
Growing in faith and trust in God.
Learning who I was, not "we".
Falling in love.
Beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
Long, healing walks.
Good, wonderful memories!

I am very blessed!

Isn't that the way?
Everything has two sides,
every cloud a silver lining!
And God has used this house
to remind me,
once again,
that He is in control!
That His timing is impeccable!
That He is trustworthy and good!
That He has blessed me tremendously!

I am very blessed!

I have God!
I have my Lanny Love!
I don't want to go home!
For where they are,
I am home!

I am very blessed!

God is our protection and our strength.

He always helps i times of trouble.

So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes,

or the mountains fall into the sea,

even if the oceans roar and foam,

or the mountains shake at the raging sea...

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the amazing things He has done...

God says, "Be quiet and know that I am God."

                      ~~ Psalm 46:1-3, 8, 10 (NCV)

So I did a thing....

I want to share a deeply personal
event with you.

Today, Al's '75 Maverick
was hauled away
to be prepped for sale.
It was much more difficult
than I anticipated.

As I watched the tow company
load the vehicle
I unexpectedly began to cry.
And as they drove off,
I began to video it.
And sob.


I posted the video on Facebook
not realizing that my tears
could be heard on the recording
until a friend mentioned it.
I considered taking the post down.
But I didn't.
And here's why.

Grief over the loss of a mate
is different than any other kind of grief.
The only thing similar is grief
over the loss of a child.
I am in no way minimizing
the loss of other relationships!
I have lost
parents, grandparents, other relatives, and friends.
It is difficult.
But it is different.
Today's post is about spouse grief.

People don't understand.
I get that.
Neither did I.
Until I experienced it.
And sometimes,
it still takes me by surprise.
Like today.

You see,
when you lose a spouse,
everything changes.
Everything!
Every single moment
of every single day
of every single week
of every single month
of every single year
for the rest of your life
is different.

You know that feeling,
when you reach for the phone
to call your mom or your best friend
and realize you can't because they are dead.
That.
All. The. Time.
Every. Single. Moment.
When you get up in the morning,

they aren't there.

When you go to bed at night,

they aren't there.

When you eat your meals,

they aren't there.

When you have a success,

they aren't there.

When you have a failure,

they aren't there.

When you want to cry,

they aren't there.

When you have a funny joke,

they aren't there.

When it's time to mow the lawn,

they aren't there.

When it's time to pay the bills,

they aren't there.

When it's time to shop for a new car,

they aren't there.

When your kids do something great,

they aren't there.

When they do something awful,

they aren't there.

When your grandchildren graduate,
or when your first grandchild is born,
or when you get the dream job,
or get fired,
or....everything,

they aren't there.

Forever.

And people expect you to get "over" that.
But you don't.
Because they aren't there,
and they never will be again,
and that affects everything.
All your activities,

all your decisions,

all your life.

Someone once said to me
that their grief was worse than mine
because I could replace a husband
but they couldn't replace their relationship,
it was forever lost.
And there is some truth to that.
I can have another husband
and they can't have another person in their same relationship.
But their relationship,
though a lifetime one,
was not a daily one.
Their every, single moment was not altered.
And I cannot replace Al with another.
for no one else is Al.

I had people say to me that they were so glad
that I was over Al
when I started dating.
I was not "over" him.
But it was time.
It was time to begin living
not simply existing.
It was time to move forward -
not on.

And when I met my Lanny Love,
I fell quickly and deeply and completely
in love with him
and he with me.
Which simply meant that I loved two men
with my whole heart,
and he loved two women
with his whole heart.
And can I be really honest here?
It helped.
It really did.
But it didn't replace my love for Al
or his for Judy
any more than a second child
replaces the love you have for the first -
or for a deceased child.
Your heart simply expands.
I am very blessed by God
in my marriage.
Both of them.

As active grief
gave way to normal,
I began to have what grief experts call
"blindsides".
Those unexpected waves of intense loss and sorrow.
In the beginning,
those are every moment.
But as our psyche
begins to learn to cope,
those times come in waves,
less and less often
and shorter in duration
as time goes on.

Nearly seven years later,
that is what happened to me today.
A blindside.
A wave of intense grief
as I gave up another piece
of my beloved,
my Al.
And an intense gratitude
as my beloved,
my Lanny Love,
spoke words of comfort
and understanding.

Now this is not to say
that grief is forever raw anguish!
It softens, becomes bearable over time.
Because you learn to bear it.
Just like any other pain.
And you learn to live

in spite of it -

and because of it.

And you learn to thrive

in spite of it -

and because of it.

And if you are incredibly blessed,
you learn to love again

in spite of it -

and because of it.

But you do not get over it.

The point of this post is to shed light.
You see,
we all will face the loss of a spouse in some form.
Either we will lose our own spouse,
or someone to whom we are close
will lose theirs.
So I left my post up,
in spite of the deeply personal,
raw grief that it revealed
to all my friends and family.
And I post this because
people need to understand 
that grief is hard! 
That it softens, 
but doesn't end.
That there will forever be raw moments. 
That we move forward, 

we live again, 

love again, 

are happy, 

but we are forever changed. 

We don't move past grief,
we live through it.
We honor the memory of our loved one 
with our lives 
by learning to live in the midst
of the deepest of losses! 
People tend to think that
those who have lost a spouse
have forgotten, moved on
when they remarry.
You need to know we don't!
We still love,

still miss,

still grieve,

sometimes actively.

So give yourself,
your friends,
your moms and dads,
your sisters and brothers,
your co-workers,
whomever has lost a spouse,
some grace and mercy.
Grow with them as they grow
and change - for they will!
Don't expect that they will ever be the same again
or get "over" their loss - for they won't.

 "You have done many good things for me, Lord,

just as you promised."

                                                                          ~~ Psalm 119:65 ~~

Going Steady - July 3, 1971

Good Morning, Lord ~

I am sitting out on our front port
in the dim coolness that is early morning
thinking about You.

About Al.

About Lanny.

About my life.

Can it really be 48 years
since we started "going steady"?!?!
Is it okay that my heart hurts a little today,
that there is a yearning,
an emptiness within me?

You give such good gifts, Lord!
I listen and see the world you created wakening around me ~
the birds chirping,
the sky lightening,
the smell of our lily blooming.
I see the neighborhood begin to stir.
And I am reminded that life goes on.
And it is a  good life You have gifted me!
Forty-eight years ago, Al.
Four and a half years ago, Lanny.
And I am profoundly grateful!

But for a little while,
is it okay if my heart is heavy
and I grieve just a bit?

Keeping your eyes on the goal

All my life,
I have heard that the way to accomplish anything
is to set a goal
and keep your eyes on it
as you work toward it.

Am I alone in this?
That feels overwhelming to me!
Goals often seem so distant,
and in the hard times,
impossible to reach!

In the days of computerless
tractors and plows,
I have heard it said that
farmers picked a spot in the distance
and walked/drove toward it,
never taking their eyes off of it,
in order to plow the first furrow straight.
They were then able to follow
that first, straight furrow
for a perfect field.
For that initial row,
they kept their eyes on the goal.
But only for that first furrow.
After that,
they kept their eyes on the path they had created.
Had they continued to stare relentlessly
at the goal,
the field would have been unsymetrical indeed!

I have been a slacker over the winter.
And now I am having to work very hard
at getting back in shape
rather than the much easier maintenance
of already being in shape.

I do a run/walk each day.
As I go, I pick markers.
I begin running at this tree
and I slow to a walk at that one.
I run again at that bench,
and walk at the gazebo in the distance.
I have discovered something.
I have a much more difficult time,
become much more winded,
if I watch the marker in the distance
as I run.
I also discovered I am much more likely
to trip and fall.
And much less likely
to reach the goal at a run.

If, however,
I watch the ground at my feet,
with occasional glances up
at the goal in front of me,
I am surprised at how quickly I reach it,
am less winded when I get there,
and am often able to continue running
beyond the goal.
I have also discovered that
my initial distance or speed goals
for the day,
can be exceeded when
I keep my mind on the goal
and my eyes on the path.

I have particularly heard
"eyes on the goal"
in regards to my Christian walk.
"Keep your eyes on Heaven!"
And very often Philippians 3:14 was quoted:

I run toward the goal,

so I can win the prize of being called to heaven.

This is the prize God offers 

because of what Christ Jesus has done.

So I have spent my life running toward Heaven.

Can I be honest here?

When I was 14

and 21

and 30

and 40,

Heaven seemed very, very far away.

I would look toward that goal

as I had been taught,

and very often could not see it at all.

It made it very difficult to run toward it!

At 55 when I found myself alone in my race,

and my beloved had reached the goal,

it seemed simultaneously nearer

and desperately, endlessly far away.

Today, at 62,

it still seems distant,

but is, at last,
becoming more and more attainable
to my mind's eye.

As I ran this week,
I began to think about Philippians 3:14.
I began to wonder if we are chasing the wrong thing!
So I began to research this passage.

(My Lanny Love has ruined me! 

I no longer take "others" words as "gospel",

no longer look only at the surface of Scripture.

He has taught me that even when I am not "teaching"

I need to delve deeply into the Scripture

to find what the Holy Spirit is trying to teach me.

"Devotions" and "Bible study" are not the same thing!)

What I discovered is this.

Many translations,

especially word for word translations,

rather than thought for thought translations,

and most commentaries,

feel that the correct interpretation of that Scripture

is not with Heaven as the goal.

More accurately,

we should chase Christ that He would lead us to Heaven

through His death and resurrection.

So then, my goal is not the tree in the distance,

my goal is fitness, health, and long life.

The tree is just a marker,

one more easily reached if I am not staring into the distance.

Just the same, Heaven is not the goal in the distance,

the prize toward which we strain.

Christ is the goal.

And He is right there!

Heaven is just a marker that we have reached the goal -

Christ Jesus!

Under the shadow of His wings....

Yesterday, Lanny and I were out for a run
when we passed by a bird.
She was dead,
but was strangely positioned.
It was obvious she hadn't
fallen from the sky,
nor had she been killed by a preditor.
She was sitting
with her wings spread.
As we ran,
I couldn't get the picture of her
out of my mind.

I began to wonder
what brought her to death
in that particular position.
And an answer began to form in my mind.
I had to know!

So, on the way back,
I stopped by her body
and snapped a picture,
then moved her just a bit,
and sure enough,
underneath her,
was the body of a baby bird.

Like much of the country,
we have had a lot of storms recently,
including high winds, rain, and hail.
As I ran on,
I put together a likely scenario.
The wind blew her baby out of the nest
located in the tree above where she and her baby lay.
She, unable to get her little one back to the nest,
settled over it, wings spread, to protect it from the storm.
The little mother,
gave her life for her baby.

It made me think of our Savior.
While this little bird gave her life in vain,
He did not!
Just like she did,
He knew we were endangered,
and gave His life for our salvation!
Not only that,
He continues to shelter us from the storms of life!

Isn't that just the most amazing thing!

"He will cover you with His feathers.

He will shelter you with His wings.

His faithful promises

Are your armor and protection."

                       ~~ Psalm 91:4 ~~

 

A blog walk

I have been reading my blog the last several days.
I was looking for a specific post.
It's not here.
I must have either posted it
during my Caring Bridge days
or journaled it rather than blogging it.
At any rate, I didn't find it
and after several days of searching,
I am done.

However, over the last several days
I have reread every blog entry,
including drafts that were never posted.
Every. Single. One.
What a journey!

I started this blog about a year into my widowhood.
I had blogged on Caring Bridge
since the week of his diagnosis,
and continued to blog there after his death,
but my life was changing
and I began to want to blog about life and living
not just death and grief.
And so,
just over five years ago,
I created this blog.

As I have read through those days
of my early decision that,
despite the grief,
I wanted to live
not merely exist,
to learning to love again
to navigating a broken heart
to breaking a heart,
through dating
and remarriage,
and the changes and conflicting emotions
that brought,
I am amazed.
And Humbled.
What a metamorphosis!

How naive I was in those days.
Do you suppose I will look back
in five more years and think the same thing?
Very possibly.
Even likely.
I have seen some holes.
Periods of time where I didn't blog.
And I have remembered
what was happening in my life during those holes.
I have seen personal growth.
Seen patterns I hadn't noticed before.
I've seen some areas where I have failed,
areas that need continued improvement.
I have seen spiritual growth,
and faltering.

But most of all,
I have seen the Hand of God!
Ever present.
Ever kind.
Ever loving.
Ever compassionate.
Ever forgiving.
God.

In the midst of the deepest grief I have ever known.
In the midst of the greatest confusion I have ever experienced.
In the midst of the doubt.
The fear.
The lack of trust.
The lost hope.
The sadness.
God.

Author of renewed hope.
Author of growth.
Author of healing.
Author of love.
God.

Blessed be the Name of The Lord!

Loving Like God

My Lanny Love is on a highly restricted diet.
Like a good wife,
I have joined him.
He is feeling better
and losing weight
he most definitely does not need to lose.
I am feeling worse
and gaining weight
I most definitely do not need to gain!
I am also finding myself to be
increasingly weepy and moody.

Now, as I am a middle-aged woman,
you might have guessed that
I am at "that age"
where horomone producing organs
(and we're talking all of them here,
not just the reproductive organs)
stop doing their jobs.
Add to that the fact that
I had a total hysterectomy
a number of years ago
and you get weepy and moody.
And hot flashes.
LOTS of hot flashes.
Turns out his diet,
which cuts out many foods
with naturally occurring estrogen,
is not good for me.

Recently,
on day two of what had been
a weepy few days,
I did what turned out to be
a greatly unappreciated nice thing
and I got my little feeling hurt.
Which did not help my weepies!

Exactly what happened isn't important.
What is important is
that this is a long-term relationship
that has always been difficult
but which is very important to me.
One that I have prayed over
and worked at
for many years.

For the rest of the day,
I cried off and on.
I cried in  frustration...
                              disappointment...
                                                     grief...
                                                           anger...
                                                                   love...
I waffled back and forth between

"I'm done!"

and

"How can I fix this?"

Today I know only two things.

I'm not done.

I can't fix this. 

I've thought about my tears of the day.

All the emotions.

Only one is permanent.

I love this person!

I have for nearly 25 years.

In the good and the bad.

That is the consistency in our relationship.

I love this person like my child.

Like I love my daughters.

No matter what...

...Like God loves me.

In the good and the bad.

Like His child.

No matter what.

He has never given up on me!

Even when I have been

difficult...

unyielding...

ungrateful...

Even when I have been unlovable,

He has loved me.

We talk a lot as Christians

about loving as God loves.

And in the same breath

we talk about not taking "'crap' off anybody".

We talk about being offended.

We talk about our rights.

These are incongruous

with the love of God.

I confess,

I find this issue somewhat confusing.

Modern psychology says,

"Don't let others abuse you!"

And, as someone who has come

from an abusive childhood

and found it necessary to,

for a time,

cut ties with a close family member

and to limit contact when we reconnected

in order to prevent further abuse to myself and my children,

to that person with that life experience,

this philosophy makes perfect sense.

But then I read The Beatitudes

and the Sermon on the Mount

(Matthew 5)

"Blessed are the Merciful"

"Blessed are the Peacemakers"

"Blessed are the persecuted"

"Blessed are you when people insult you,

persecute you and falsely say all kinds

of evil against you because of me."

Aha!

My "out"!

But then...

"Because of me..."

This isn't "suffering for Jesus"

this is just suffering!

I read on.

"You have heard that the law of Moses says,

'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'

But I say, love your enemies!

Pray for those who persecute you!

In that way, you will be acting as true children

of your Father in Heaven.

For He gives His sunlight

to both the evil and the good,

and He sends rain on the just

and on the unjust, too.

If you love only those who love you,

what good is that?

Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.

If you are kind only to your friends,

how are you different from anyone else?

Even pagans do that.

But you are to be perfect,

even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."

And I realize that continuing

rather than being "done"

IS, after all, "suffering for Jesus".
And, as God loves me
in my many imperfections,
so do I love this individual in theirs!

What I must decide is this.
Where does my acceptance of
"who they are"
become enabling this person
to be less than God wants them to be?
And where does "drawing the line"
become self-serving?

May God's Spirit
grant me wisdom and discernment,
mercy and grace,
and an abundance of His Love!

Poppycock!!!

This is a bit of a rant!

I hear it a lot.
About all kinds of days.
I hear it about birthdays.
I hear it about anniversaries.
I heard it again last night.
"Oh we don't celebrate Valentine's Day.
He loves me well every day of the year."
I say poppycock!!!

Don't get me wrong!
We should love well
every single day!
But every once in a while
we should go above and beyond.
We should make our husbands or wives
feel extra special,
extra appreciated.
And our culture has provided us
with a few "public" days to do that.

Can I tell you a secret?
Except I don't think it's really a secret.
I think everyone -
men and women alike -
know this without being told.
But we don't say it out loud,
we just feel it in our hearts.
Women - and men I think - who say what my friend said last night...
don't mean it!
They really wish their spouses
would make them feel extra special
on those extra special days.
And really, they're embarrassed -
and hurt -
that their spouses don't care enough
to go to the extra effort
just a few days out of the year
to make them feel extra cherished.
Because that's how it feels.

Can I tell you something else?
Those of us whose spouses
go to that extra effort
feel a bit sorry for them.
And no one wants their friends
to pity them.
Especially because of their spouse.

Men, it doesn't take a lot!
It just takes remembering,
a little extra doing or saying -
"I'm glad you're my Valentine!"
"I'm glad you were born!"
"I'm so glad you chose me to be yours!"
Maybe dinner out.
Maybe a card.
Maybe write a corny poem.
Take her in your arms and slow dance -
even for just a minute..
These little things
make us feel wonderful,
even giddy.
And they make us feel very, very loved
and very, very special.
Just a little effort goes a long way!

And a bit of not doing or saying.  
Never, ever, ever say things like -
"This is a stupid day!"
"Just another day for retailers to soak me!"
"I love you every day, I shouldn't need to remind you."

And ladies, don't you get sloppy either!
He may say it's silly, unnecessary
but really, he wants you to
make him feel special too!
Bake him a birthday cake!
Make a romantic, candle lit dinner.
Fix your hair that way he especially likes it.
Tell him how very much you appreciate him
and all he does for you!
Make him feel respected, admired, needed!
It makes him feel very fortunate to have you!
Just a little effort goes a long way!

So, get on the stick!
And have a happy Valentine's Day!

Year of Jubilee

To be sure,
I am loosely translating this
to my life!
The Year of Jubilee
in the Jewish faith and tradition,

(Our LORD was Jewish

and while many of the customs of the Jewish faith

are null and void

with the death and resurrection

of our Saviour,

we can still learn and profit

from them!) 

the Year of Jubilee

is a year of restoration, forgiveness, and freedom.

Technically,

the Year of Jubilee occurred on the year following

the lapse of the seventh Sabbath of years.

So the Year of Jubilee is the 50th year. 

However, many consider it to occur

every seventh year.

In the United States

every seventh year,

bad credit falls off your report.

Many crimes have a seven year

statute of limitations.

In Jewish tradition,

the Year of Jubilee

meant the forgiveness of debt,

return of property,

freedom for slaves. 

Think about that for just a second!

Life changing freedom!

From that point forward,

no more slavery to the past.

Nothing will be as it was!

Never the same again!

This evening,

I will enter into the seventh year.

Today is the sixth anniversary.

At 4:59 p.m.,

I will begin the seventh year without my Al.

Yesterday morning,

while laying in bed,

talking to the LORD,

I was very suddenly impressed that

I was entering my Year of Jubilee! 

As I considered what that might mean,

I began to think about my grief journey.

The days when the pain of loss was physical,

when I thought I might literally be dying.

The days when I couldn't move,

couldn't think,

couldn't eat.

The confusion.

The tears.

Then came the days of desperation.

Anything to make it stop.

The frenzy of activity.

Running away from home.

Dating too soon.

Laughing too loud.

Forcing myself to move forward.

Then the days of stillness,

waiting on the LORD.

The quiet.

The solitude.

Choosing joy over happiness.

Moving at God's pace,

not mine,

not Al's.

Softening grief.

Beginning to see beauty again.

Genuine laughter.

Then my Lanny Love.

Restoration.

Happiness.

Love.

The return of the music.

And a different kind of sorrow.

The fifth year,

the one leading up to the fifth anniversary,

when the grief unexpectedly

consumed me again,

threatened my happiness,

hovered over everything

like a dark shadow.

Always,

over it all,

the constant knowledge.

He is gone!

Then last year,

the sixth one.

Softening once again.

The assurance that it was not just

okay

for me to be happy,

it was right under God!

The lessening,

then cessation,

of daily, actively missing him,

missing his presence.

The lessening,

and just recently,

the cessation

of feeling guilty for loving my Lanny Love,

for being happy -

not just happy,

but happily, joyously, lovingly married happy -

the end of jealousy on his behalf.

The end of the constant shadow,

the constant awareness that

he is gone.

Then yesterday morning,

the LORD's whisper -

"Your Year of Jubilee is about to begin!" 

Today,

as I remember Al

on this sixth anniversary 

of his Homegoing,

I think of a phrase about Heaven

that someone mentioned recently,

"We are homesick for a place we have never been" 

and I rejoice that Al is not homesick,

he is Home! 

Today,

on this sixth anniversary,

I feel a lightness,

a happiness,

a freedom

that I have not experienced before,

and,

as I have suspected for for a little while,

I believe I am no longer grieving.

Love has not ended.

I love him still!

There are those days when he should be here

and I miss him.

There are those moments I remember a specific thing

and I miss him.

But the constant awareness,

the sorrow,

the grief,

that has left me.

Now I remember and smile.

In gratitude that he was mine for those years.

In love.

My Year of Jubilee.

Freedom from slavery to grief.

Nothing will every be the same again. 

Thank You, LORD!