Frozen Moments in Time

Isn't it funny the things that stick in your mind?
We went to Calico County.
I remember where we sat.
I remember, word for word,
a piece of our conversation:

"I don't know what's wrong,

but he's dying."

We were talking about our husbands.

Because, you know,

that's what best friends do over lunch.

It's what we still do over lunch.

But that day sticks in my mind.

Clearly.

It was a half work day.

We lingered.

Then I went home and took a nap.

At about 4:00, he woke me

and asked to be taken to the ER

where a few hours later

we heard the words.

"Mr. Garrett, you do have cancer."

Just like that.

The world stopped spinning.

The stars fell from the sky.

Time froze twice that day.

This morning,

eight years later,

I am once again frozen in that place.

I woke this morning with the memories.

I will carry them through my day.

I will likely fall asleep with them tonight.

But tonight, I will sleep, rest,

wake in the morning to the wonderfully renewed life

with which God has blessed me.

Time will thaw once again,

continue it's forward movement.

I need to say this.

Love causes grief.

Both are lasting!

But both are changed over time.

One is forever.

One is not.

My love for Al was completed that day

eight months and three days later

when he went Home.

It was not ended!

It reached it's earthly completion.

Love is forever!

It will never end!

My grief was only beginning on that day.

It will not only be completed with the return of Christ,

on that wonderful day,

IT WILL END!

Praise God!!!

Today is Memorial Day.

Today, many are remembering 

frozen moments in time.

May God bless us each with sweet memories,

may He soften the grief,

and may the love shine brightly

as we all remember.

Thank you, Daddy God,

that love does not die!

There Will Be a Day

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,

for the old order of things has passed away.

Revelation 21:4

lament

[ luh-ment ]

SEE SYNONYMS FOR lament ON THESAURUS.COM

---

verb (used with object)

to feel or express sorrow or regret for:to lament his absence.

to mourn for or over.

verb (used without object)

to feel, show, or express grief, sorrow, or regret.

to mourn deeply.

noun

an expression of grief or sorrow.

a formal expression of sorrow or mourning, especially in verse or song; an elegy or dirge.

Copied From Dictionary.com

Today, our church met exclusively online

for the last time.

Next week, we begin meeting in our sanctuary once again.

With limitations, of course.

Social distancing.

Masks.

High risk or folks who are uncomfortable 

meeting so soon in our "hot spot" city

encouraged to continue worshipping together from home via live stream.

We are rejoicing!

Exultant in our eagerness to be together again!

But today, our congregation lamented.

I would encourage you to watch as our pastor

shares about lament and our family

shared the losses and suffering that have become

life in 2020.

Central Church of Christ Lament Service

I did not submit my lament for a couple reasons.

First, I have not personally experienced a lot of loss

during this time. 

I have experienced change,

but I have not experienced loss.

I have still received my exact monthly income.

I have still eaten well.

I have still been able to see my children and grandchildren and friends

via porch visits.

I have lost some inconsequential things:

canceled trips, picking my own fruit and veggies at the grocery store.

I have missed having my granddaughter spend the night,

but that is not a permanent thing.

We will play together, snuggle together again soon,

and porch visits and video calls have been a fun adventure!

And the fact that I'm an introvert

sheltered in place with my favorite person

has made isolation pleasant rather than lonely and depressing.

So I have not personally suffered from this time of isolation.

I have grieved over the losses of others.

Friends and relatives who have been sick and alone,

who have lost loved ones to this virus.

Those who have lost loved ones to other causes

and been unable to honor them and find the closure they wanted,

unable to shelter in the comforting hugs of friends and family.

Those who are sheltered alone and in abject loneliness.

Those who have been hospitalized

without the support of their family around them.

I have grieved for the lost school days, graduations, weddings,

those once-in-a-lifetime celebrations that never be recovered.

I have grieved for those whose livelihoods have been put on hold

or disappeared all together.

I have grieved for the business owners and their employees

as daily announcements of permanent closure make the news.

But while I grieve for my friends,

for mankind,

these losses have not personally touched my daily existence.

This is secondary grief.

It is NOT the same for me as it is for those who are experiencing it!

In fact, for me, this time of isolation

has been a time of recovery from too much busyness.

It has been a time of spiritual reflection and growth.

It has been a time of drawing nearer to my husband and my God.

Secondly, I did not submit my lament

because it was personal.

You see, my lament is not of the physical variety,

but of the spiritual.

It is an ongoing lament,

most assuredly not exclusive to the losses and laments

brought about by COVID-19,

one I have brought before God many times in my life,

and so it did not feel appropriate for our church service today.

Nonetheless, I would like to share it.

Gina's Lament

Oh Lord my God,

Father God,

Daddy God

I am embarrassed.

Here I am again.

And again.

And again.

Do I trust You?

I fear loss.

I have lost one husband.

My best friend.

My companion.

My lover.

Do I trust You?

I fear loss.

Virus.

Autoimmune.

Age.

Do I trust You?

I fear loss.

I cannot do it again.

My husband.

My best friend.

My companion.

My lover.

Do I trust You?

Do I trust You?

Do.

I.

Trust.

You?

The LORD says, 

“My thoughts are not like yours.

Your ways are not like mine.

Just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so my ways are higher than your ways,

and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

Job 13:15

I trust You,

Oh Lord my God.

My Father God.

My Daddy God.

I trust You!

Blood-washed bitterness

May is a memory month for me.
There are several significant losses and events.
This year has been somewhat more ~ ~ ~
what is the word I'm looking for?
not painful really ~ ~ ~
ah, emotional!
It has been more emotional.
There are fewer distractions during this time of sheltering.

Today is one of those dates
and as I was preparing communion
I saw our bottle of tonic water
next to the juice.
We drink a bit of tonic water each day.
We mix it with juice because it is so bitter.
Even with the sweetness added,
it is still bitter.

It made me think about Christ on the cross.
He was thirsty.
They gave Him gall to drink.

gall

1

[ gawl ]

SEE SYNONYMS FOR gall ON THESAURUS.COM

---

noun

impudence; effrontery.

bile, especially that of an animal.

something bitter or severe.

bitterness of spirit; rancor.

Gall.
Not water.
Something bitter.
Severe.
Something that could be described as "bitterness of spirit".

As His body was broken,
as His blood was dripping from his body down the cross,
as He cried out for one modicum of mercy,
He was given gall.
And He bore our bitterness of spirit.
He tasted the bitter taste of sin.
He tasted the bitter taste of loss.
He tasted the bitter taste of brokenness.
He tasted the bitter taste of loneliness.
He tasted the bitter taste of depression.
He tasted the bitter taste of abandonment.
He tasted the bitter taste of death.

He drank gall.
For us.

So this morning,
as I prepared communion
in the midst of an emotional day that smacks of bitterness,
I poored mostly tonic water ~ bitterness ~ in our cup,
mingled with just a bit of juice ~ the blood of Christ that wipes out bitterness ~
to remind myself
that the price He paid,
He paid for days such as this.

And I am grateful!!!

Offering Grace

I love grace!
I really do!
I have been the recipient of it many times in my 60-some-odd years,
most notably from God!

I rarely post here, or on any other social media,
politically charged comments, memes, etc.
Recently, I have been reminded why.

With COVID-19 has come something worse than a virus.
Fear and panic have come!
These are far more dread diseases than the virus that feeds them.
I am sick with them too.
We all are in one form or another
and in varying degrees.

In the beginning, we were passionately opinionated.
Unfortunately, opinions were often met with derision, vehemence.
I have heard within my own friends list
of people "unfriending" one another
because one thought the situation was overblown,
the other thought it was not.
It made me sad!

Then something wonderful began to happen.
People began to band together,
encourage and support one another.
Neighbors began to share their excess.
The social media posts became more uplifting and funny.
Zoom meetings among friends became the norm.
It made me glad!

But in the last few days,
as some states begin opening
and others are extending the stay-at-home orders,
I have seen the return of vehemence.
Everyone is tired of being stuck.
Everyone is worried about health.
Everyone is worried about the economy.
Everyone is concerned about the political ramifications.
I get it.

But, please, please, please,
let's offer some grace to one another!
I read a statement the other day that really hit me!

Such truth!!!

My boat may be in calm seas ~

Few cases of COVID;

Secure income;

Easy availability of life's necessities;

Friends and family all healthy and safe

I am a contented, happy individual;

I am an introvert and don't mind the isolation.

I may be in a big boat ~

More space to isolate;

Pleasant, safe surroundings;

Plenty to eat;

Plenty to do.

I may have a big crew helping me through the storm ~

Family sharing my home;

Friends checking in on me.

But what if:

My seas are tumultuous ~

Many cases of COVID;

Lost my job, no income;

Wondering how I will eat or feed my children;

I am or I have loved ones who are sick or have died.

My boat is a rowboat ~

Meager surroundings;

Unsafe neighborhood;

No computer, internet, cable.

I am alone ~

I am single;

I am widowed;

I am elderly and cannot have visitors;

I suffer from depression;

I am an extrovert.

The need is so much different!

One is anxious to get out and about,

but they are functioning well.

The other is in a boat about to capsize!

So try to remember ~

perspective is everything!

Those screaming "Let me out!" may not just be bored!

And those screaming "Stay Home!" may have lost someone precious!

I love grace!

May we all be generous with it!

Loneliness

Isolation.
Most people dislike it!
We are accustomed to coming and going as we please.
This time of pandemic isolation is difficult.
Lonely.
Especially for extroverts, children, and folks who live alone.
And MOST especially for the recently separated or widowed
who feel alone even in a crowd.

Those men and women who,
at a time when we really need to be with people,
when the support of friends and family
are what keep them going,
when they are already struggling for anything
to be worth getting out of bed for,
suddenly find themselves sequestered,

alone,

lonely.

And it feels like no light at the end of the tunnel.

I remember those early days of my widowhood.
Having to verbally tell myself

Get out of bed.

Comb your hair.

Eat.

Brush your teeth.

Take a shower.

Get dressed.

I didn't have the strength or desire to do those things.

But I knew I should, needed to.

My children and grandchildren,

my friend Chris and my sister and brother

kept me going in those days.

They called, the came over, they pushed me, they asked if I had eaten.

I don't know that I could have healed -

or even survived -

without their love and support.

My heart hurts for those of you in this position.

And for those extroverts who,

while my introverted self is thriving and building energy 

with this extended opportunity to isolate and rest,

are falling deeper and deeper into depression and

desperation for face-to-face human contact!

My heart hurts for you!

But, something I discovered during my anguished grief,

my choice to live rather than merely exist,

and my subsequent remarriage is this:

There is a yearning within us 

that can only be filled by God!

That loneliness we feel while even in a crowd;

The dissatisfaction with your spouse, friends, family,

is borne of the expectation that they can fill that spot.

And they cannot!

It is God's spot and God's alone ~

and He cohabitates all the other spots!

So when we isolate Him

or from Him,

ALL our spots are lacking!

When Al died,

I tried desperately to make it stop hurting!!!
I ran away from home repeatedly!

I did foolish things!

I deeply hurt myself and others!

And nothing I did made it stop!

I could not give that hole away!

I could not give it to Harlan.

I could not give it to Michael.

I could not even give it to my precious Lanny Love.

No person could cure the ache and longing for Al.

Because the spot in my heart that is his

cannot be filled by another man!

It was not until I gave that hurt,

gave that spot that is Al's,

completely over to God 

and invited Him to fill it to overflowing,

that the hurting went away!

Do I still miss him?

Yes, sometimes intensely.

Do I still love him?

Absolutely and deeply.

But the intense anguish,

the persistent pain,

the constant longing,

those are gone now.

So, while we are isolated,

don't sink!

Text, Facebook, Face-time!

And more importantly,

spend some time with God.

You are not alone!

I know, He is not your missing love, or child, parents, friends, or co-workers.

He is better!

HE, not other people, makes you complete!

You are all in my prayers!

A good life together

Today would have been my and Al's 44th wedding anniversary.
I think of him often, but especially on days like today.
But, unlike in the beginning of my widowhood,
now the memories make me smile.
I do not feel sad today.
I feel grateful!

We had a good life!
We loved each other deeply.
We raised two amazing children!
We enjoyed some empty nest time.
We had a very good life!

But while I miss my Al deeply,
while I still love him and always will,
I am very happy where God has brought me!

In the first couple years of my widowhood,
I spent a lot of time with Job.
I'd get to the end where they all lived happily ever after
and it would make me mad!

“Yeah, that’s all well and good, he got new children.

But the first ones are still gone!

It’s not the same!”

And I was right.

It's not the same.

Lanny is not my Alfie.

But neither was Al my Lanny Love.

And I wouldn't have missed out on

either of them for anything!

I understand Job better now.

I understand God's redemptive love and power better now.

So today, the 44th anniversary of my marriage to Al,

I will revel in my memories,

rejoice in my present,

and praise God for His goodness!

Silver Linings

I am a silver lining gal.
I always have been.
Sometimes I've had to
look harder to find it,
but it's always there!

It can be annoying apparently.
Sometimes we just want to wallow -
and that's okay for a time,
we need to lament!

Like many around the globe,
our grocery stores' shelves are empty.
Some people are panicking, hoarding.
A mild headache or sore throat
is cause for alarm.
Last week, I was out and choked on my own spit.
The resulting coughing fit ensued.
I was an island instantly!
It's a scary world right now.

Our city had it's first confirmed diagnosis
of the dreaded COVID-19 this week.
My Lanny Love and I each have a family member
with a confirmed diagnosis.
We, like the rest of the world,
are in self-isolation,
heading toward forced isolation.
Our world is struggling!

We have cause to lament!
But only for a minute!
Because long-term wallowing
is not helpful!
It makes things much, much worse!

So, true to form,
I am looking for the silver linings in all this.

I'll start with groceries.
My sweet neighbor down the street
had an extra bottle of Dawn Liquid Dish Soap.
She asked if I needed it.
I didn't, but I know someone who did.
She left it on my doorstep,
I'll leave it on theirs.

A neighbor had NO toilet paper.

I always have TP.

(Please don't break into my home,

I am running low at this point.)

I gave her a package.

Another neighbor texted this morning
just to check in and make sure we were okay.

I witnessed a pharmacist

give a customer his own personal bottle of alcohol

because the woman was diabetic

and needed the alcohol for finger pricks and shots

and there were no more alcohol wipes or bottles.

He gave it to her.

I saw an old man and a young one
both reach for the last package of chicken,
both told the other to take it.

The middle school daughter of a dear friend

is doing a daily story time on Zoom

to help relieve boredom for kids 

and give weary mom's a break.

Another friend has made it her mission
to find and distribute diapers to families with littles.

Many of my teacher friends are sharing sites and links

to help moms and dads with education.

I am experiencing, witnessing, and hearing about
many acts of kindness, generosity, compassion, and sacrifice.

These are silver linings!

Even the self-isolation is a blessing!
I am an introvert.
That means being in crowds
and social situations
are draining to me.
I need quiet, alone time to re-energize.
My Lanny Love and I are always on the go.
We are with people
every single day of the week most weeks.
But now, we are now operating from home,
using the phone for visits
rather than face-to-face.
We are finding time to rest.
We are reconnecting.
We have desperately needed some
extended quiet time.
I will be a better minister's wife,
     church member,
          friend,
               person
when this is over and we are free to roam again.

So while I know my penchant for finding the silver lining
can be annoying to some -
as mentioned above,
sometimes we just want to wallow,
and that's okay for a time -
I would encourage you to look around you.
Remember that ALL things pass by God
before they get to us!
And God is good!
So let's find the good in this situation.
Don't miss out on the goodness!!!

Cheescake, drugs, fruit inspection, empathy and compassion

I have learned some things in my life.
In one month,
I will embark upon my 64th year.

How is that even possible!?!

And in the nearly 63 completed years

I have learned some things.

But not everything!

Recently, during my run ~ 

why, at nearly 63 years old

do I find in necessary

to try to look and act 20???

But that is another blog...

~ recently, during my run,
God began to speak to me through a podcast.

In the last several months,

I have been struggling mightily

with my weight.

I have been one of two things most of my life ~

a person who did not eat at all,

or a person who overate.
Anorexia, binge and purge.

I have worked diligently to overcome those things

and find the happy medium.

And I have been very successful

over the last few years.

Until this past year.

Good ol' age 

and the hormonal issues that come with it

have reared their ugly heads

and I have struggled.

As my weight has gone up,
I have struggled with my old friends

and I have found myself thinking,

"If I'm going to be fat anyway,

EAT THE CHEESECAKE!!!"

In the words of Dr. Phil,

"So how's that working for you?"

This struggle has led to some pondering.

I have two people,

dear to me,

who struggle with drug addiction.

Both worked diligently to overcome.

One struggles, but is persevering.

The other is eating the cheesecake.

It's hard not to judge.

Now judgement is one of those sticky wickets.

We jump all over the Scripture
that tells us not to judge.
And we use it to prevent necessary correction.
Especially as adults.
But that is taking Scripture out of context,
one of mankind's favorite past-times.
But that's not what this blog is about.

What this blog is about is God pointing out to me
that one sin is not greater than the next
and that ALL of us have sinned and fallen short
and that ALL of us have struggles.

You see, my food issues are many
and are partially the result of the fact
that I am an addictive personality type.
I could easily have been an alcoholic.
So I don't drink.
I could easily have been a drug addict.
So I take medicines with great caution.
I could have been easily addicted to many things.
But I am addicted to food.

People who do not struggle with this particular addiction
do not understand.
I often hear, "Just don't eat so much!"
And have replied, "Would you say to an alcoholic,
'Just have one drink three times a day and no more!'
because that is what you are saying to the food addict!"
And I still feel that way about quantity eating.
But quality eating is another story.

I have to eat.
Every single day.
And I admit to you freely
that portion control is hard for me,
something I have to be aware of every time I eat.
But I don't have to eat cheesecake!
Not even one bite.
Ever again!
Doesn't that sound awful!?!?!?!

God has been reminding me the last few days,
every single time I think about putting cheesecake -
or whatever other poor food choice I am considering -
into my mouth,
that this is the same as what I expect of my loved ones.
Give up the unnecessary,
but greatly enjoyed,
addiction.
Forever.
Not so much as a taste.
Don't even smell it.
Pass it by in the grocery store.
Give up the friends that will serve cheesecake.
Only go to health food restaurants so I won't be tempted.
For the rest of my life!

My perspective has been rocked!
And my tendency to offer a bit more

empathy and compassion

in the midst of others' poor choices,
has increased.
This is not to be confused with
excusing or enabling.
There are consequences to our choices.
But maybe, just maybe,
my fruit inspection can be put aside
in favor of ~
dare I say it? ~
mercy and grace a bit more often!

January 28 - Seven Years

Today is the day.
The one I prayed against -

and eventually for.

The day my Al stopped suffering.

Every night as I pushed my bed next to his,

I knew it might be the last time ~

the last time I would lay snuggled against him ~

my head on his chest listening to his heart beat ~

the last night I would wait for the next breath.

Every night, I knew it might be the last one.

That Sunday, January 27, 2013,

it was.

I wakened with him on the morning of

January 28

and at 4:59 that afternoon,

cradled in my arms,

just he and I and the angels,

my head on his chest,

his great heart went silent,

the last breath was expelled.

And he was gone.

It was the darkest day of my life!

The anniversary of which I face each year with dread.

But in the wee hours of this morning,

as I sat in my rocking chair remembering,

something occurred to me.

At that very moment,

as Al was slipping into the arms of Jesus,

at that very second,

as God opened the door to Heaven for my Al,

at that precise point in time,

He opened a door for me!

I would not see the door for a long while ~

the veil of grief was too heavy and thick ~

but it was there!

And as God walked me,

carried me,

pushed me,

pulled me,

sat with me through 

the Valley of the Shadow,

He continued the preparation of my heart

for the One He had for my next chapter of life,

preparation begun 

more than a year earlier

with prayer

for a frightened, hurting family I did not know,

a family I learned of through a mutual friend,

a family with a terrible diagnosis,

for a beloved spouse and parent,

a diagnosis I and my children would experience eight months later.

The path to the door would be rocky and hard.

It would have danger points, pitfalls.

But two years later,

I would see the open door

and begin moving steadfastly toward it.

I think perhaps I can look differently now at

January 28.

Perhaps,

just as I am now able to look at pictures

and smile,

rather than cry,

revel in the memories,

and rejoice,

rather than grieve,

perhaps I can begin to look at 

January 28

as the beginning

rather than the end.

The Beginning ~

for my Al ~

     wholeness,

          no more suffering,

               Home;

for me ~

     refinement,

          polishing,

               learning who I am,

                    learning that I had a future ~

                         a wonderful future.

God opened a door that day.

I will mourn my loss still ~

for it was the greatest loss of my life! ~

and I miss my first Love.

But I will focus on the open door for both of us,

the joy God has granted both of us,

the healing God has wrought in both of us.

And I will praise His name!

Holidays, reflections, and resolutions

I am shocked!

I really am!

I didn't realize!

How can it be nearly 5 months since I last posted a blog???

I have thought about blogging often.

Have had some great ideas,

things I NEEDED to write and post!

Things I felt God urging me to write and post!

But I've been so swamped!

So busy!

Too busy!

Too busy to pause to do His bidding in an area I thoroughly enjoy - writing,

an area that felt selfish to me.

Too busy to take care of the things to which He has entrusted me.

To busy to take care of myself....

I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently.

I am a Christmas junkie!

I love the holidays!

Beginning with Thanksgiving

and going through Epiphany,

I celebrate!

Family 

Friends

The birth of our Saviour

I celebrate joyously, extravagantly.

But today is January 2 

and I have not yet celebrated.

Oh, I did it all.

All the decorating.

All the cooking.

All the entertaining.

But I haven't celebrated,

I've only done my duties.

I am ready to take down all the lights and decorations!

I don't want to wait until the day after Epiphany

as I always have.

I just want to be done.

This happened to some degree last year as well,

which tells me my decline has been a while coming,

but not like this year!

This year, I didn't look forward to Christmas!

I dreaded getting out the trees

and the lights

and the candles

and the table decorations

and the village

and the fabrics

and the pillows

and the Nativities.....

I was just too tired and busy

to add more to my plate

and Christmas means company

and entertaining

and shopping

and cooking

and........

And I was just too tired and busy.

Now, most of these things that are keeping me so busy

are good things!

I have expanded my roll in our ministry in our neighborhood.

I have worked on strengthening important relationships.

I have been a helper and listening ear to a number of people in crisis.

I have started a new business.

I have busied myself with admirable things.

Because I "should".

But have I truly honored God or my husband in all my pursuits?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few months,

how tired and busy I have become.

Too tired.

Too busy.

I've stopped spending quality time with the Lord.

I've stopped giving quality Gina to my Lanny Love.

I've stopped sleeping again.

I've stopped exercising regularly.

I've stopped eating properly.

I've started worrying and fretting more.

I've become impatient and done a lot of "eye-rolling".

My home has suffered as I have gotten busier.

I've stopped doing things just for pleasure,

just because I enjoy doing them.

I've given up a lot of what I enjoy

in order to accomplish what I need to get done.

I have not felt well.

I've gained weight, aged.

This does not please me!

Nor does it please God!

You know, even He rests

and does things for pleasure!

Why, we were created for His pleasure!

And I don't think He has gotten much pleasure out of me this year.

I have two callings on my life!

Only two!

I am to serve God with all my heart, mind, and strength,

and I am to love others!

This is the foundation of all other commandments!

I have given an "appearance" of doing that,

but in reality,

I have put God in the background,

giving Him an obligatory "pat on the head" each day

as I rushed about my "work for the Kingdom".

And the one person that God expects me to love best,

my Lanny Love,

has experienced less "bride"

and more "wife" this year.

Now, I will tell you

that I gave up making New Year's resolutions

many years ago.

Rather, I seek to improve daily

and when I see something that needs improving,

I don't wait for January to work on it!

But it happens that the culmination

of several months of self-reflection

has happened at the first of the year.

So, with God's help,

I am going to work on some things:

on spending quality time with the Lord;

on giving my precious husband more "bride" and less "wife";

on taking care of my health

by making time for healthy diet and exercise habits

and taking some time to rest and relax,

doing things I enjoy -

like writing and blogging -

and less time doing all those things

that "need" to be done!

It's not a New Year's resolution,

it's a God-given direction!

May He find me faithful!

Jesus answered, 

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, 

all your soul, 

and all your mind.’

This is the first and most important command.

And the second command is like the first: 

‘Love your neighbor 

[my husband is my nearest neighbor!]

as you love yourself.’ 

All the law and the writings of the prophets 

depend on these two commands.” 

 ~~ Matthew 22:37-40

I want to go home

Our air conditioning is out.
In our neck of the woods,
the temperatures are triple digit at this time of year.
No AC is not a good thing!

But we are very blessed!

We have options
other than simply being hot
for the two weeks it will take
for the part to arrive.
We have the "Country Estate",
the house I owned and lived in
before my Lanny Love and I married.
It has been rental property for a couple years.
Now, it is our business office.
An air mattress,
(surprisingly comfy!)
and a few things brought out,
and it's a cozy, temporary home away from home.

We are very blessed!

But I want to go home.
I have been increasingly unsettled
during the last several days.
Feelings of sadness and depression
have been creeping in.
The memories are all around me.
When I go to sleep,
they are there.
When I waken,
they are there.
Throughout the day,
they are there.
They invade my dreams.

Memories of illness and death.
Loss and sorrow.
Great loneliness.
Shame and guilt.
Confusion.
Betrayal.
Fearful memories -
and fears over the unknown ahead.

Tonight, I am taking these memories and fears out
and giving them a thorough examination
in the light of God's mercy and grace.
And I'm remembering some other memories
in the process.
Precious last days together.
Growing in faith and trust in God.
Learning who I was, not "we".
Falling in love.
Beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
Long, healing walks.
Good, wonderful memories!

I am very blessed!

Isn't that the way?
Everything has two sides,
every cloud a silver lining!
And God has used this house
to remind me,
once again,
that He is in control!
That His timing is impeccable!
That He is trustworthy and good!
That He has blessed me tremendously!

I am very blessed!

I have God!
I have my Lanny Love!
I don't want to go home!
For where they are,
I am home!

I am very blessed!

God is our protection and our strength.

He always helps i times of trouble.

So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes,

or the mountains fall into the sea,

even if the oceans roar and foam,

or the mountains shake at the raging sea...

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the amazing things He has done...

God says, "Be quiet and know that I am God."

                      ~~ Psalm 46:1-3, 8, 10 (NCV)