Off my pace

 Every evening, I walk three miles as part of my daily workout. I carry weights so that my arms are also getting a workout. I am slowly inching my way toward five miles. I will be increasing my route by a half mile on Monday. My current best average pace is 15 minutes even per mile and I am now consistently keeping within a few seconds either way of that pace. My goal is 12 minutes per mile.

Now, I am not a morning person. At all! That is why I workout in the evenings. I used to workout with someone who was a morning person and did his workout as soon as he finished his morning prayers. I enjoyed the together part so I did it, but I HATED working out in the morning. My body just doesn't like to move that fast in the mornings! It wants to be fully awake and it does that slowly! So, when it became clear that the together part was over, my broken heart and ecstatic body went back to evening workouts.

But this morning, I woke feeling really down so I decided to walk early for the endorphin rush. Off I went, my body saying, "Huh??? What are you doing?" I pushed myself to go my normal pace, but even before my adorable phone app made its first five minute announcement of my distance and current pace, I knew I was off. So I pushed harder, tried to make my body go faster. Its response? "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS????????" But I kept pushing.

In every walk, their comes that point when I wonder if it's really that big a deal to go the whole distance. Normally, I hit that spot somewhere between 1.5 and two miles. You

know. That point where I really don't have a choice any more - thankfully! Stopping is not an option. I'm in the middle of nowhere, on the side of the road, surrounded by weeds. Turning around won't help, it is just as far, or farther, to go back at that point, there are no fewer hills, and the "big one" is part of my second double back so I will have it to climb either way. So I push forward. At about 3/4 of a mile into my current route, I complete my first double back and pass my street again. Today, that's where I first wondered. But those endorphins. I ignored my body screaming "GO! HOME! GO! HOME! GO! HOME!" and kept pushing. About 1.3 miles in, I face my steepest, longest climb. I wondered again. I kept on going.

Meanwhile, my pace tracker app kept announcing my distance and pace every five minutes. Still off - by more than a minute. I push harder. At one point, it felt like I was trudging rather than walking. I pushed harder.

It was right then that The Lord spoke.

"My love, why is it good that you are off pace?"

     "Huh? It's not! I'm trying to catch up, push harder!"

"Did I ask you to push harder?"

     "Um, well, no, but I should......"

"No, My love, I am trying to teach you something this morning."

     "Another lesson, Lord? Really? Do I really have to learn another lesson?"

"Yes, My child, you do. Why is it good that you are off pace?"

     "Sigh. I know, 'Give thanks in all circumstances.'"

"Yes, you should do that. But that is not what I am trying to teach you this morning. Why is it good that you are off pace?"

     "Sigh. Okay, Father, I'll think about it. Well, it will take more time for me to complete my walk. More  sunshine and vitamin D." (I am vitamin D deficient)

"Good. What else."

     "More? Sigh. Longer to pump endorphins?"

"Good. What else?"

     "Longer to sweat out toxins?"

"Yes. What else?"

     "Longer to work my arms, additional strength and toning. Changing up my walking style since my pace is off so that I am lunging more, working a whole different set of muscles harder than normal."

"Excellent. What else?"

     "A slower pace lets me observe more of the beauty around me. Things I hadn't noticed on my head-down-focused-on-pace walks."

"Excellent. Apply these things to your life, My love. You laid a route, set a pace, and have been upset that I have taken you outside that route and pace."

    (Head cocked to one side, eyebrow raised) "Yes, Lord, I have been upset. Very!"

"You have pushed. Tried to force the pace. Set the goal yourself. Tried to force the path to bend and curve, climb, descend, and have flat resting stretches where you felt they were needed."

     (Head hung) "Yes, Father, I have."

"Do you believe I love you? Have your best interest in mind? Know what is best for you?"

    "Yes, Father."

"Then let Me set the path. Let Me place the difficult terrain where it needs to be. Let Me give you the flat path when I know you need the rest. Let Me work the muscles harder that need to be worked. Let Me sweat out the toxins of this world from your spirit and give you spiritual health. Let Me give you the emotions I want you to have - and remove them in My time. Let Me shine the light of my glory and grace on you. You will reach the goal - Heaven, service to Me - much more efficiently if you do!"

     "Oh, Daddy God! I never thought of it that way! I trust You, Lord! I will let You set the pace! I will let You form the path! Thank You for showing me!"

"...and he has showered down upon us the richness of his grace—for how well he understands us and knows what is best for us at all times."

                                                                                                  ~~Ephesians 1:8 TLB~~

What if today's the day?

What do you do to motivate yourself to live when it would be easier not to? You know, to get out of bed in the morning. To make the bed. To take a shower, comb your hair, get dressed. Function! We all have those days we just don't want to, but we do it anyway. On those especially difficult days, what is your tangible, earthly motivation? 

Mine is "what if today's the day?". It doesn't matter for what. It just matters that it motivates me to do those things I'd rather not because I'm just too sad or tired or depressed or lazy or - whatever. God uses that phrase to motivate me to function. I used it this morning. I got up. I had my time with The Lord. I made the bed. I put on clothes. I had my breakfast protein shake. I cleaned the cat pan. I took out the trash. I put my breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. Because what if today's the day?

If you are struggling with life - and we all do, at least from time-to-time - ask God to provide you with a tangible thing, something that He and you know will keep you going when it's easier not to. And if you feel so inclined, share it with me - and others who may be struggling - in the comments.

Have a motivated day!


            "I can do all this through Him Who gives me strength."

                                                                                      ~~ Philippians 4:3 NLT ~~

Suicide

I want to talk about suicide. Since the death of Robin Williams, depression and suicide have been in the news a lot. I toyed with talking about it right after, but, really, haven't we heard enough?

Well, no. Because I know someone who is depressed. And lonely. And heartbroken. And is talking about ending their life. And I know just exactly how this person feels.

A little known fact about me is that I come from an extremely broken childhood. I have suffered mental and emotional issues as a result. I have been suicidal. Many years ago, I made an attempt. The last few months, when my sorrow and grief has seemed overwhelming and permanent, suicide has taunted me.

So I know just how this individual feels.

The difference is that I received help. I have learned to know the warning signs. I know that times of extreme stress or sorrow bring on depression, the number one cause of suicide. But I also know that this is temporary. Circumstances change! Emotions change! Our ability to cope changes! Even though hard things feel permanent while we are in the midst of them, they are NOT PERMANENT, they are temporary!

Suicide, on the other hand, is permanent!

So, I want to talk to this individual. And any others out there who are feeling hopeless.

Statistics:

"Family history of suicide, suicide attempts, depression or other psychiatric illness increases the risk of suicide." (http://contactcrisisline.org/resources/suicide/) 

If you choose to even attempt suicide, you are increasing the risk that your children, grandchildren, siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews will do the same. Live for their sakes if you can't do it for your own right now!

This one piece of information, provided to me with the percentage of increase (which I now can't remember, but it was very high, over 50% more likelihood that the family member of a suicide would themselves commit suicide eventually) gave me the strength to fight to live back then. It would have been much easier to have ended my life than to get well, believe me!, but the thought that my precious children or husband or siblings might commit suicide because I had, well, that gave me strength and determination! Grab onto that as I have in the last few months!

"12. How does suicide affect friends and family members?
Suicide is extremely traumatic for the friends and family members that remain (the survivors), even though people that attempt suicide often think that no-one cares about them. In addition to the feelings of grief normally associated with a person's death, there may be guilt, anger, resentment, remorse, confusion and great distress over unresolved issues. The stigma surrounding suicide can make it extremely difficult for survivors to deal with their grief and can cause them also to feel terribly isolated.

Survivors often find that people relate differently to them after the suicide, and may be very reluctant to talk about what has happened for fear of condemnation. They often feel like a failure because someone they cared so much about has chosen to suicide, and may also be fearful of forming any new relationships because of the intense pain they have experienced through the relationship with the person who has completed suicide." (http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/faq_suicide.shtml) 

It's not just your family you affect. It's your friends! Those people who thought to themselves, "If he can do it, so can I!" What happens to them when it turns out you couldn't? And what about those people you encouraged to keep on going with your words? Why should they if you didn't? Why should they stop drinking or drugging or get counseling or ........ whatever else? It obviously doesn't work anyway.

Most family and friends blame themselves for a loved one's suicide. They feel they should have known. They should have been able to prevent it. They even feel they were the cause. They will feel guilt. Now, while that may be the goal for some people in your life, it will not just be that person/people who feel that way. Your child(ren) will feel that way. Your siblings will feel that way. Your pastor will feel that way. Your best friend will feel that way. The little lady in the wheel chair who sits across the aisle from you at church will feel that way. The checker you befriended at the grocery store will feel that way. The shut-in you visited regularly will feel that way. Everyone you touched will feel that way. Google it. You will see the research, the reports, know that I am speaking truth.

Further, having experienced loss and grief yourself, do you really want to put your friends and family through the same agony when the past has proven that things will improve?

If you, like my friend, are in that place of hopelessness, loneliness, and sorrow, I encourage you to FIGHT!!!!! Don't let "it" or "them" win!!! Get help!!! TELL someone you need help, you are discouraged, you are hurting, you are depressed, you feel like you can't go on, you are suicidal!

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL!!! IT WON'T HAPPEN OVER NIGHT, BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!!!






You are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Ps. 139:14), let Jesus help you through your suffering (Matthew 5:4, I Peter 2:21-24, 2 Corinthians 1:8b-9), let Him comfort you and you continue to use your experiences to help others (2 Corinthians 1:3-7).

I pray daily for my friend! Many times, through the night, I waken and lift this individual! Others of you who are at this point, realize that there ARE people out there who care for you!!!! Even those who may be the root of your angst do not want this for you!!! And if they do, they are not worth your life!!! Someone out there is praying for you! God has led them to do so! Rest assured!

I love you, my friend, even when you think I don't! I care what happens to you even if it seems otherwise! So do all the other people in your life!!! DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!!

69 and cloudy

For a little while today, it was 69 and cloudy at the same time in Ferndale, WA, Amarillo, TX, and Paris, France. That is not significant to most people but it is to me. Why doesn't matter. But it gave me pleasure to know that the exact same weather experience was happening in all three places.

The climate of two of these three places is similar. The third is very, very different. Despite the nine hour longitude difference, the latitude of Ferndale and Paris are virtually the same so the weather is often similar

temperature-wise using adjusted time of day. But rarely is it similar at the exact same time. For example, the temperature at 9am in Ferndale is often similar to what the temperature was at 9am, nine hours earlier, in Paris. But because 9am in Ferndale is 6pm in Paris, the temperature is rarely the same in real time. And while both areas do have a lot of cloudiness and rain and are sometimes the same, they just as often are not. Amarillo, however, is much further south on the latitude scale and is very, very rarely the same temperature-wise in either real or adjusted time. Further, it gets very little rain, mostly sunshine. So, for all three cities to have the exact same temperature and weather conditions at the exact same real time, especially at the end of August, Amarillo's hottest month and the time when Paris and Ferndale begin their cool down going into autumn, is exceedingly rare. But today, at 9am/11am/6pm, it happened. And it pleased me. It made me feel a little giddy. And a little foolish. And I laughed at myself a bit.

But then I thought, why would I feel foolish about getting pleasure out of something silly? We get pleasure over silly things all the time! You know,

    a corny joke
            a picture of a unicorn
                    a cute puppy stumbling over his feet
                            skipping
                                    the feeling of bubbles in a soft drink
                                            playing with bubbles in the sun
                                                    rainbows

And really, aren't those the best kind of smiles? The silly ones over things that just make us feel good?

What silly thing over which you have control makes you smile? Do it! Go out and blow some bubbles and have a grin on me!

Happily ever after....

What is "happily ever after"? It is the ending to a fairy tale.

In life, there is no "happily ever after" because life is not a fairy tale! It is reality. Full of joys and heartaches, good times and bad, easy and hard, love and...well, you get the idea. I am learning that pursuing happily ever after is foolhardy because it's not real!

So what are we to do? Are we destined to live lives of mediocrity? Loneliness? Sadness? NO! We are to pursue God and let HIM supply the peripherals!

Sometimes that means our path will be in the valley. And the climb to mountain top may be forested and dark and rocky and steep. Or it may be soft grasses and gentle slopes and streams and cool shade. Or it may be hot sun or cold blizzard. That is up to God.

This I know. The climb doesn't matter. What matters is reaching the pinnacle - Heaven! We only do that by walking the path God lays for us.

Walking with Him. It is all I want.

What a Mighty God we serve!

 This morning, as I often do, I sat on my deck to have my time with God. One of the amazing things about the area where I live are the sunrises and sunsets. They are stunning! This morning, as I watched the sunrise and snapped some pics of God's beautiful handiwork, I thought to myself how unfortunate that my camera could not capture all the beauty.

The aqua is so much more vivid than reflected in the photos. The rich purple really doesn't show at all. The delicate pink is missing. The shining gold looks more yellow or orange. And the sparkle cannot be captured.

Add to the beauty of the sunrise, the wild beauty of the landscape. No manicured lawns here! Raw, wild beauty, just as God has created it! Mesquite with all its twisted branches. Yucca plants with their spiky leaves and pod clusters. Wild grasses and delicate flowers waving in the breeze. Baby tumbleweeds with their vivid, green hugging the ground. The slight haze that allows the world to wake slowly, gently before the sun bursts upon us in its heat and brightness. Loveliness all around.

And the sounds! No picture can capture the sound of God awakening His creatures. Birds singing. Dragon flies buzzing. A cow mooing in the distance. The horse next door nickering to his mate. Bunnies leaping and chasing in the grasses.

Then, the feel of a fresh day. The coolness of the early hour. The moistness as I breath in the morning scents. The softness of the breeze before it kicks into the fan that will keep tolerable the heat of the day.

God in all His Glory cannot be captured with a camera.

How often we try to experience God as a picture! A simple one dimensional being. But no! He is three dimensional!

Father God.

The Creator.

The Master of the universe.

Jesus the Son.

The Sacrifice.

The Price of Love.

The Intercessor on our behalf.

The Holy Spirit.

The Guide.

The Comforter.

The One whose groanings bring our needs to the Father 

when we don't even know how to pray.

How do you experience God? Is He a photo? Flat, one dimensional, a glossy image in your mind?

Or is he a living, breathing, sparkling experience?

May you experience the Three-in-One fully today!

Dating and job hunting

Is their anything more demoralizing that dating and job hunting??? Putting yourself out there screaming, "Judge me and find me worthy!"

Am I articulate enough?

Am I pretty enough?

Am I qualified enough?

Is my personality right?

Is my smile right?

Is my experience right?

Oy vay!!! What a chore both things are! I've done all I want to of both things in the last 11 months!

But I've learned a few things. 

I am what I am.

I can be nothing else.  

Sometimes I say the right thing.

Sometimes I don't.

 Sometimes I'm funny.

Sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes I make wise decisions.

Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I'm pretty enough.

Sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes I'm smart enough.

Sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes I want what's good for me.

Sometimes I don't.

And you know what? None of it matters. Tonight, the sun will still set. Tomorrow, it will rise again. And life will go on. Even when you'd rather it didn't.

Life is full of inconsistencies. We ourselves are inconsistent. But God, He is consistent! He always knows and wants what is best for us! Even when we can't see it.

When my girls were little, sometimes I allowed, even caused, things to happen to them that they didn't like. One bit. Because I knew it was the way it had to be for them to learn. Or what they needed. Like a shot when they were sick. Or falling when they were learning to walk. Or letting them spend their birthday money on something they insisted they absolutely, positively wanted the MOST of anything in the entire world - knowing that they would get it home and be disappointed.

God is the same with His children. Except our learning seems to come more as adults than as children. Or it has for me. 

As my girls grew, they began to see and accept that I was smarter than they thought. That I was very, very often right when I warned them of impending disappointment or pain. They learned that if they listened to me, they could sometimes avoid bad things. And sometimes, when the bad thing couldn't be avoided for their own sakes, if they would listen, the pain was lessened, shortened.

I pray I will remember that when my Heavenly Father allows or causes hurt in my life. May I listen. May I learn. May I trust in Him to know what is best for me.

"...and he has showered down upon us the richness of his grace—for how well he understands us and knows what is best for us at all times." Ephesians 1:8 TLB

Son-shine in the rain

Today has been a hard day.
I'm not sure why some days are harder than others.
They just are.
Today was one of those days.

My day started very early.
Before daybreak.
Long before the alarm.

It has been a weepy day.
Tears several times.

And productive.
A successful interview.
Another interview scheduled for tomorrow.

Now it is evening.
Nearly time for my walk.
And it has looked like rain.
A large, dark cloud hanging over the area.

A few minutes ago it came, the rain.
Heavily.
Pounding on the roof.
Tinging against the windows.

And the sun was shining.

Diamonds falling from the sky!
Sparkling and shining!
A stunning sight!

And it dawned on me.
Rain falls on all of us.
And in the midst of the rain is the Son!
Shining on our lives.
Making something beautiful.

Thank You, Holy Spirit, for the reminder!
Thank You for the comfort!

This hasn't turned out like it was supposed to....

I started this blog intending it to be light-hearted and fun. But to be honest, I haven't had a lot of "light-hearted and fun" things to say and so, I haven't said anything. And yet, I feel compelled to write. More than in a long time. So, I will let the Lord lead the tone of my blog and blog whether the words are light-hearted or heavy; fun, funny, or sad; on-top-of-the-world or in the depths of despair. For that is life - for everyone - and certainly for those of us on a grief journey of any kind!

Today, I want to talk about the sunflowers in the gully behind my house.

We purchased this house just a couple months after Al's diagnosis. We sold our home of nearly 20 years and moved out here where we would be near our girls and where I would not have a house payment after his death. It was a good move, miraculously facilitated by God. Al and I lived here together for almost exactly six months. Then he was gone.

It was never really "our" home. It was the place where I brought him to die. In the early days after he was gone, I hated it here! I couldn't feel him or picture him except ill, fading away, dying. I wanted to go back to our home, where we had lived! At the very least, I wanted out of this horrible place of sorrow! I did a lot of running, trying to escape it, but the sorrow always followed me wherever I went. It still does.

I am making peace with my house though. I have changed some things. I rearranged the bedroom so that it was convenient for me rather than for my invalid husband. I got new furniture for my living area and office. I redid my kitchen. I am preparing to dismantle "his" room (painted the color he chose and set up with all the hobby things he loved, created for his enjoyment) and make it mine. Changes. They are part of the process. Some good, some not, but part of it.

One of the things that we enjoyed together though, in this house of death, was the sunflowers in the gully behind the house. In the early days, before the hospital bed took over the dining room, we would sit at the dining room table, looking out the wall of windows at the beautiful view of God's creation behind us. Most of the area where I live is flat. You can see for miles! But there are canyons and mesas dotted around and I live in one of those areas, on top of a hill with a fairly deep gully behind my house. There are lots of grasses and wild flowers, yucca plants, rocks, etc. and, at the bottom of the gully, sunflowers. Hundreds of sunflowers! At a time of pain, sadness, impending death, the happy, dancing sunflowers brought us joy. We used to sit and watch them bouncing happily in the breeze, their bright yellow heads dancing and swaying to the music of the wind. They were a happy sight! And we watched them for hours at a time. While eating. Or holding hands. Or talking. Or just sitting together.

Last year, the sunflowers didn't bloom. I waited for them. I wanted to see happy. It wasn't there. Anywhere. June. July. August. September. No happy sunflower dance. Somehow it was fitting.

This year, the sunflowers are back! I didn't think they were coming! I saw them growing, getting taller, but no evidence of blooms. Then, about two weeks ago, buds began to open. Just one or two at first. I wasn't really sure they were actually flowers. But, yes, they were. Then a few more. Then more. Now, long before they are done, for there are many, many more buds, there are hundreds of happy, dancing sunflowers in the gully behind my house.


Hope.


"So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 NLT

What's that burning smell???

Don't worry, I've just been thinking. About being content in all circumstances. About being thankful no matter what. About why God allows things in our lives that we don't like.

The last several years have been heavy with increasing weight as they moved along. The burdens have been hard to bear. Often, my back has felt broken by the yoke and burden.

I frequently speak of Corrie Ten Boom's book, The Hiding Place. I am particularly moved by the passage where she deals with thanking God even for the flea infestation in the concentration camp barracks where she and her sister, Betsy, are imprisoned during WWII. I won't quote the passage here, but it is very inspirational. (You can find it at this link on my Caring Bridge journal if you are interested in reading it.) In the passage, Corrie and Betsy are discussing I Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus." Betsy begins praying, listing things that are "wrong" in their lives and thanking God for them. Corrie struggles, but prays in agreement - until Betsy thanks God for the fleas. The biting, crawling fleas that cover their beds, bedding, every inch of their living space. Corrie says she just can't be thankful for the fleas. Betsy reminds her that the Scripture says ALL circumstances! Grudgingly, Corrie thanks God for the fleas. Weeks later, God's reason for allowing the horrible infestation is revealed and Corrie is truly grateful.

I think this is probably one of the most difficult of God's expectations for man - especially when the reason is never revealed. We don't like it when bad things happen! The concept of being thankful for inconveniences never mind in horrible circumstances is completely foreign to us! Nonetheless, there it is. I Thessalonians 5:16-18. Not only that, but the Psalms and Proverbs are full of admonitions to praise and give thanks to God in all things. All throughout Scripture, we find this concept. So, we strive to be thankful in all circumstances. I often say in my prayers, "even the fleas, Lord, even the fleas!"

But like Corrie, there are those things that we cry out, "This is too much!... there's no way even God can make me grateful for the fleas!" My life has been filled with fleas in the last few years. The last few months have been particularly infested. Let me tell you about why I am thankful for a specific infestation, my broken relationship with Harlan, the man with whom I thought I would spend the remainder of my life serving God and each other as man and wife.

Before betrayal and pain entered our relationship, their was love and devotion. Their was grief healing for both of us. Their was flirting and fun and long discussions about everything from theology to our days' events. It was easy to be thankful then! He had helped me begin to emerge from the blackest, the absolute worst time of my life, the death of my precious Al. Through him, God lit a light in the darkness, gave me the will to live.

Then, I discovered that the man I loved did not exist. He was imaginary. The true man emerged. I was shocked, devastated. I cried out to God. I begged. I refused to believe at first. At times, I still refuse, am tempted by his calls asking for reconciliation, crying that I have hurt him beyond what he can bear. And my heart was broken yet again. The darkness settled back around me, deeper, blacker than ever. I prayed - continue daily to pray - for him. I will do so until God releases me.

I have not been angry with him. I sometimes wish I could be. It would have made the loss more bearable. But that is not the way God chose to teach me thankfulness in all circumstances. He has revealed much to me through love.

• Through Harlan, God brought me joy when I thought I could never be happy again. He gave me light to get through the intense darkness. 
• He showed me I could love again!
• During my relationship with this man, I drew much closer to God. First through sharing a devotional time with him each morning, then, as he experienced a very difficult time in his life, through intense prayer for him and his situation.
• He taught me a little more of His great love for us. I learned that I could care so much more for someone else than myself. Just as God cares more for us than Himself. And not just as I care more for Chrys and Kim because they are my children, no, I loved him purely, just for who and what he was, outside of the parent child relationship, just as God loves us purely and for who and what we are. Not just because we are His children, but because He truly loves us.
• He has taught me stillness in His presence, careful listening.
• He has shown me that my level of trust in Him was shallow and result dependent. I am learning to practice blind trust in Him. When it doesn't make sense. Because He is God!
• He has shown me that the pain of loss is the worst kind of pain. First Al, then Harlan. The double loss, the worst pain I have ever known. The betrayal. The loss of dreams. The harsh reality. Only a tiny taste of the pain He feels when He looses one of us. I think this is the greatest lesson! My loss of Harlan was by choice, not by circumstance as with Al. I could change it. I could go back to the relationship without changes. When we turn our backs on Him, it is our choice. While He could force us into relationship with Him, he does not, but lets us choose. He could lower His expectations, but that would make for a shallow relationship. He wants depth! He experiences more pain than I can begin to fathom when we repeatedly turn our backs on Him! And the multiple losses!
  The double loss I experienced by my choice is nothing compared to the loss He experiences thousands of times each day by man's choice to turn from Him! How He must grieve!!! May I never do it to Him again!!!
• He has honored me by calling me to intense prayer for someone. The most intense prayer calling I have ever experienced. And prayer is one of my spiritual gifts, I pray intensely a lot. What an honor and privilege! Thank you, Lord!
• He has shown me that man cannot satisfy. In our humanness, we will always fail. My satisfaction, true satisfaction, can come only through Him.
• I have learned that faith is a choice that I make. It is either strengthened or weakened by adversity. Which is my choice.
• I have learned that deep love is both easy and hard. It is easy because there it is! I love Harlan. Period. Regardless of what he's done, I love him. It is hard because there it is! In betrayal, it doesn't leave, it just hurts, even, in some ways, grows as we seek to find a way around it. Just as God sought to find a way around man's betrayal through His Son, Jesus Christ, loving us all the more in the process. And when we continue to betray, He continues to love, seeking US! Can you believe it??? HE seeks US!!! He gave everything! Sacrificed! Paid our penalty! And He still comes looking for us! (Revelation 3:20 NLT, "Look! Here I stand at the door and knock. If you hear Me calling and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal as friends.") And so often, when we receive all we can get from Him, we turn on Him. And still, He continues to love us, woo us, seek our love in return. How amazing! How gracious! What great, infinite love! 
• Finally, He took me where He wanted me by steps. A number of years ago, I was working at a law firm. I liked my job, I liked the people with whom I worked, but I was becoming bored, restless. I had advanced as far as I would be able to there. I was offered another job. A very significant pay raise. A better title. I made the move. Just six months later, my position was eliminated. Just in time to apply for my position at Amarillo College, the best job I ever had! Now, I have to be honest. I would not have applied for that job straight from my law firm. I would have viewed it as a step down. And I intended to use it as a stepping stone until I could get back into the legal field. I stayed until Al's illness brought me home as his caregiver. Would still be there were it not for that. It was the place I was meant to be. 

I met Harlan on Christian Mingle. I'd have never gone to any other site. But after Harlan, when I decided to get back on that horse, I didn't want anything to be the same. So when I got back on the sites, I didn't go to Christian Mingle. My sweet Michael didn't either. I'd have never met him without my Harlan experience to slow me down for the months it took to bring me to where Michael was so we could find one another.

So, silver linings. They really are there! Go find yours! 

Thank you, Lord, for the fleas! May I always be grateful in ALL circumstances!

Can we talk?

I'd like to tell you about Allan Nickael.

(Al)lan Nickael is the man I grew up with. I met Al when I was 13. Started "going steady" when I was 14. Married him when I was 18. Lost him to cancer when I was not quite 56. I miss him every single day of my life. We grew up together. We grew together. And those are not the same thing. We were young and loved each other so passionately! In some ways, our love never grew past that 16-year-old, all-consuming infatuation. We never lost the passion. It didn't matter whether we were loving or fighting, we did it with gusto! Al was handsome, strong, my fierce protector, my mentor. He was brilliant, the smartest man I have ever known. Oh, I'm sure I've know men who may have placed higher on the IQ scale by a little, but Al was not only highly intelligent, he had good common sense for the most part and he used it! He a was romantic, loving, caring husband. He was a wonderful, fun, loving daddy, a just, loving father (again, different). As I have traveled the last 18 months without him, I have come to more fully appreciate what I had and lost. I will always love him.

Al(lan) Nickael is also the man with whom I fell in love after Al and who further damaged my already broken heart. Just typing these words makes my throat tighten and my eyes sting with tears. Harlan was wonderful! I fell fast and hard! He was charming and loving and handsome and also brilliant. Before him, I was convinced I would never be able to love again. Boy was I wrong! He helped me out of the very darkest days of my life, gave me a light by which to see, illuminated my path, brought great joy to the greatest sorrow I had ever known. Just 3 1/2 months after meeting him, we became engaged. Just five weeks later, I discovered he was not the man I thought him to be. And my world came crashing down. My grief now encompassed two. And the light that was helping me through the darkness of the first loss was snuffed out and the blackness was even deeper. But I learned some things. And, despite the anguish, in the end, I am glad it happened.

Allan N(ick)ael is also a dear, dear friend. I "met" Rick at the same time I met Harlan. We talked and had much in common. But at the same time I ended my conversations with Harlan, I ended our conversations. He invited me to contact him if I ever changed my mind. After Harlan, I needed to "get back on the horse" quickly. So, as invited, I called him, explaining that I wanted nothing more than friendship from him, and we met face-to-face for coffee. From then on, we texted and saw each other often. He let me talk about Al and he talked about his late wife. He let me talk about Harlan, let me cry, didn't criticize me or him, just listened. He let me talk about my dates. Sometimes we laughed (they were often laughable, let me tell you!), sometimes we shook our heads, but he always listened. We hung out. In our mutual loneliness, we were a safe haven for one another. Until he confessed to being in love with me. I only wanted friendship. We had some hard moments. He said he couldn't be just friends. So, I lost my friend. Got him back because he said he could be just friends after all. But I don't think we can and I believe I am in process of losing him permanently. Because I only want friendship from him. And he is such a good friend! Another hard loss.

Allan Nick(ael) is my future. Michael and I met on a dating site. We have known each other for nearly six months. We have spent most weekends together since April. He too has been a good friend. He too has listened to me talk about my Al. I have listened to him talk about his Joyce. He has listened to me talk about Harlan. He has heard all about all the baggage I come with. He has held me and comforted me as I sobbed, he has laughed joyously with me as I have teased and taunted. We have wonderful conversations about God and everything else. He is articulate, intelligent, musical - comfortable. He is passionate and loving. We dance, we walk together, we cuddle, we worship, we have become "us". I admit that I am terrified. Another potential loss. My heart is screaming "PROTECT ME!!!!!". He is older than I. I will almost certainly face a life without him at some point. But, nonetheless, the current companionship and love trump the possibility of future loss and sorrow.

I can no longer separate from these four men. Each of them have become a permanent part of my heart. And that's okay. Because Allan Nickael has helped shape me into today's woman. Stronger than I thought I could be. More tender than I thought I could be. A more committed woman of God. A better friend. A better wife. A better person. Thanks, Allan Nickael!

Thank You God, for giving him to me.

Relationships

I have a secret! About ten nights ago, I began a relationship with a wonderful man! We have spent several hours together every night since we first met. His name is Allan Nickael and he is absolutely perfect for me! Yes indeedy, everything I've ever dreamed of in a man! In fact, my dream man is just that, a dream, name and all!

Now I thought it was strange the first night since I didn't know an Allan Nickael but he looked  a lot like a combination of my beloved Al and my ex-fiance and had all the wonderful personality traits of the four men in my life (except for my sons-in-law) that I most care for and it was a very pleasant dream so, hey, go with the flow. I had several dreams that night. And the next. And every night since. Still a little strange, but still, mostly lovely dreams.

My Allan Nickael is tall, broad-shouldered, handsome, caring, romantic, a deeply spiritual man, a lot of fun, very, very intelligent, generous, attentive, as I said, everything I could possibly want! We talk, we play, we kiss and hold each other. Sleeping pills have helped me sleep the past 10 nights, Allan Nickael has made my sleep pleasant.


This morning, it hit me. Allan Nickael is a composite of those four men. Even his name! Hey! This could really work out!

Have I mentioned that I have a very active imagination? ;-)

Shopping

I went shopping today. With a teenager. A girl teenager. I had forgotten! You know, what it's like shopping with a teenage girl. We walked a thousand miles in the mall. Passed up stores. Went back to them. Nobody had anything good. In the entire mall. I found five shirts and lotions.

She did finally end up with three pair of flip-flops, two tops, two pair of jeans, and lotion.

But it was so much fun! We talked, caught up with each other. She is still not dating. Because she has a plan. She will be a junior in high school this year. She wants to be a pediatrician. She has a friend who also has high aspirations and they have a pact not to date until they have their lives together. They hold each other accountable.

This year, they have SATS for which they must prepare. Dual credit classes. She will have a job. She will need to keep her GPA high. No boys.

Next year will be senior year, lots of activities, gotta keep the GPA up. Dual credit classes. Will have to have a job. No boys.

The next year she will be finishing up what she can from Amarillo College. It will be a new experience. Lots of concentration. Will have to work. Gotta keep the GPA up. No boys.

Then on to West Texas A&M for her bachelors. Another new experience, harder classes, longer drive time. Will need to be working as well. Keep up the GPA so she'll be accepted into Med School. No boys.

Then on to Texas Tech Medical School. Hard, intense work. Job. GPA. Residency. No boys.

Then specialization. Job. GPA. No boys.

Medical boards. Study, study, study. Job. No boys.

Finally, practice. Have to get established, medical practice takes a lot of time. Maybe boys then, maybe not.

Five years into practice. Established. Successful. Now boys.

This young woman lives in an area of town that sees more unwed mothers than the national or state average. She doesn't want to get caught! This area has as many high school dropouts as graduates with very few grads going on to college. Her parents are poor. She wants more.

She has a plan. And at 16 and a junior in high school, she is sticking with it!

I am so proud of her!

I hope to be that mature someday!

Timing

So I'm out for my evening walk, weights in hand, headed west into the setting sun. It's warm, 92, but humidity here is low and their is a stiff breeze blowing so it promises to be a pleasant walk.

I live out in the country and I head deeper into the boonies on my walks where traffic is low, it's quiet, I can talk to the horses, the bunnies, and the occasional dog as I walk by and no one thinks me odd. Well, now they do, but I digress.

About a half mile, give or take, into my walk, I pass a home where three doggies feel obliged to inform anyone within earshot that I am keeping to my exercise program. They run to the end of their drive, tails wagging to say hello. I say "Hi Poochies" and keep going. They stand in the drive for a minute watching and telling the other critters that I'm moving on as usual, and then head back home. Because I retrace my steps coming home, we repeat the process a couple miles later.

Tonight, however, my second "Hi Poochies" apparently was spoken with an inflection that in doggie-talk said "You two, follow me!" And so they did. I ignored them figuring they'd turn around in a minute. About a block later, I said sternly "NO! GO HOME!" That seemed to mean "Keep following, but back off a bit." About a hundred feet later, I repeated my stern command and added a stamped foot. That apparently meant "Ooooohhhhhhhh, she wants to play!!!" I kept walking. They kept following.

A quarter of a mile later, I turned around to take them home thinking I would have to take them to the door - a block or so from the street - and have their mommy and daddy keep them contained until I was out of sight. Nope. We got to the driveway, they each loped on past me, turned and looked, yipped a couple times as if to say, "Enjoyed it, see you tomorrow" and headed toward the house. I turned, and resumed my extended walk home, smiling, figuring the extra half mile hadn't hurt me any.

But it made me think. If they had followed me on the westward journey I'd have enjoyed the company, from the very beginning rather than just as I was walking them back home, would have talked to them about how they were likely going to be in trouble when they got home, the bunny trail I took to look in the windows of an empty home for sale, and dropped them at their driveway as I passed by, headed east. It was all about the timing.

Isn't that the way life is? How we view a new baby, a new car, a new job, a new house, change of any kind, is all about the timing. We planned it, we're happy. We didn't, we aren't. But in the end, we are generally glad it happened. 

Oh, I know, believe me, that's not always true. Some of life's experiences never feel good, even when we look back at them from the other side. But we grow and learn from everything God allows in our lives.

To be honest, I rather enjoyed those silly pups following me, watching as they ran ahead to chase a bug or a rabbit, or a blade of grass blowing in the wind. I laughed as they rubbed against my leg after my foot-stamping command to go home. Yeah, I had to walk an extra half a mile to take them home. It didn't hurt me any. I got home a few minutes later. So what? 

So I learned a little bit from those little pooches. Life is full of unexpected experiences. Appreciate them. Learn from them. Do what you can to change them if you feel the need. Move on.

Thanks guys!

Quiet Noise

My house is very quiet. It is a lot lately. I rarely turn on the TV and when I do, I usually turn it off again quickly, rarely watching anything, even half hour shows, all the way through. I used to have music playing all the time, but I really don't even do that much lately. 

This afternoon, I sat down in "his" chair because I wanted to "touch" him for a moment. I originally was going to turn on the TV, but didn't. I just didn't feel like the noise. And it made me wonder why all at once the things that used to keep the house from being too quiet have become just clanging noise.

Because even in the noise, the house is too quiet. 

Strangely, rather than making the house less quiet, it almost makes it more quiet. It's unsettling. It doesn't make me feel any better. Because it is, after all, just noise. It is not companionship. It is not the voice I long for. It is not the text or ring tone that I crave. It is not the touch for which my body aches. It does not fill up the ginormous hole in my heart. It just jangles my senses.

And you know what? I've discovered quiet is a good thing! In the extreme quiet and stillness that God has asked of me in the last few weeks, I have been able to hear His voice. I have prayed, I have read His Word, but I have done a lot of literal still listening. Sitting in a chair. Being quiet. Being still. His Word and my prayer journal in my lap.

Read

Listen

Prayer Journal

Listen

Read

Listen

Prayer Journal

Listen

Stillness. Physical stillness. Spiritual stillness. Emotional stillness.

God is so smart!

Oh, don't get me wrong. My life isn't "fixed". I'm still a widow. My former fiance is still no longer a part of my life. I'm still alone and lonely. I still miss them, wish they were here. I am still in love with two men. I still can't have either of them. I still grieve.

But GOD is speaking! And I'm hearing Him!!! All the noise, all the frenzied searching, all the crying out, all the travel, all the distractions I tried to place in my life to help me "get over" my sorrows kept me from healing! When it comes right down to it, all those things were just more noise.

Sometimes noise is just that. Noise.

I wait quietly before God,

For my salvation comes from Him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress where I will never be shaken...

...I wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor come from God alone.

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in Him at all times.

Pour out your heart to Him,

for God is our refuge.

~~Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8 

Wise counsel and roller coasters and teeter-totters

Proverbs is full of wisdom and advice to listen to wise counsel:

• "Fools think they need no advice, but the wise listen to others." 12:15
• "The advice of the wise is like a life-giving fountain; those who accept it avoid the snares of death." 13:14
• "Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many counselors bring success." 15:22
• "If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself; but if you list to correction, you grow in understanding." 15:31-32

There are many more, but you get the idea.

Now, I gotta tell ya, I don't like to be told what to do! I never have! I know what's best for me, right? Well, not so much! Over the years, I have learned to seek counsel, have developed a small group of very trusted individuals off of whom I bounce things - sometimes after the fact, sadly, but I digress - and whom I trust to pray for me and any situation with which I may be struggling. I offer the same to them. But it is not easy for me to hear wise counsel when it does not fall in line with my wants and desires. Sometimes it's downright irritating and grumpy-making! Even when I've asked for it, and if I haven't? Oy vay! But I do try to listen and make thoughtful, wise, Godly decisions based upon God's Word and the wise counsel of other Godly individuals.

This week, just the last couple days in fact, I have received some wise counsel - mostly uninvited, but just what I needed to hear! Things that I hadn't thought of on this grief/healing journey I am walking. I want to share.

First up: My friend, Rachel Moore, posted the following reply to another friend's anguished cry of sorrow and loneliness for her husband. 

 [Name withheld], I feel deeply for you as everyone has expressed. But I want to point something out to all of us. DEATH WAS NEVER INTENDED TO BE GOD'S WILL!!!! If we miss that truth we will walk in confusion and despair through this life. We live in a FALLEN planet. When Adam sinned, the world that God created for his children disappeared and it changed TREMENDOUSLY! The reason why Gary (my husband) died is because we live in a fallen planet and we have all sinned. Now I also believe that God holds all of us in the palm of his hand, yet, we as believers are not exempt from the fact that [s]atan is the God of this world and that sin pervades everything and that the curse is more profound than we can comprehend. Everything in us screams, 'THIS IS NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE" and God and all the angels in heaven say, AMEN!!!! It is NOT supposed to be this way. This isn't the world that God created. God created Adam and Eve to live in perfect harmony with him forever. We were never created to become widows and yet, all have sinned and all live in this world under the curse. We are redeemed, but we don't live in the fullness of that redemption until eternity. Jesus paid for the curse so that we only have to live this way for somewhere around 70 years, give or take a decade or two (or three) but when we are saved we aren't suddenly removed from the fallenness of this world. Nothing on this planet is "the way it is supposed to be". Anyone who has done any missionary work will tell you that. Any one who has walked the streets with the homeless can tell you that. anyone who has been to an Auschwitz concentration camp can testify that this world is fallen. So I just want to encourage you that the agony and the injustice that you feel inside is correct but all of this isn't God's ultimate will any more than any of the above mentioned things were his doing. Yes, he holds his children in the palm of his hand, he cares when the sparrow falls but the rain does still fall on the just and the unjust. I would venture to say that there are just as many believers receiving chemo today than unbelievers. We live in a disease filled and sin filled world. Jesus came for our eternal redemption and praise God we don't have to travel in this world forever!

 Wow! This really made me think. This wasn't news to me, but was something I had forgotten to remember as I have walked the last several painful months. I have often said that God allows everything that happens in our lives, and He does for He is the Master of the universe and can change the very laws of nature at will. But man chose to step outside the perfect will of God and by doing so let in all kinds of yuck! Unfortunately, that means that none of us can walk in God's perfect will, for his perfect will does not include sin in the world - the result of which is sickness and pain and death and all other imperfections of life. So, to say that it was God's will for Al, or anyone else, to die is incorrect. To say that because of sin in the world we all must die and God chooses that time is far more accurate. God does not "will" loneliness, sorrow, loss of any kind, for any of us! But He does provide us with a way through it when it comes! Thank you for your wisdom, Rachel!

Second: My friend, Lori Barney, was relaying her recent vacation, her first without her beloved, and made the comment, "...sometimes we stop to catch our breath, but we can't stay there." She went on to say in reply to my comment on her post:

 You know Gina, I have climbed Pikes Peak many times with Dan, our kids, friends and for races. I have taken "first timers" up there too and there is one piece of advice I give everyone as you get to the last 2 miles- when you are feeling the lack of oxygen and your legs feel like heavy tree stumps. Everyone thinks "I can't do this" and your inclination is to stop and sit down to rest. But, that is the worst thing you can do.

You can slow down but if you stop, it takes so much more energy to get going again and some can't. This is where the altitude and their mind gets the best of them. It is truly mind over matter at that point. So... my advice is always "Step, breathe, step, breathe, step, breathe". And before you know it they are at the summit. This is a reminder to myself with this grief journey too.

 WOWWOWWOWWOWWOW!!!! That is exactly what I have done the last couple months! I stopped to catch my breath and never got up!!! "Step, breathe, step, breathe, step, breath". Much easier than the mad dash to the top I was attempting before I became so worn I just had to stop - and became frozen in place!

Third: I went to dinner with a group of friends who have all survived employment at a certain unnamed employer. We meet together once a month or so and laugh and giggle and share what's going on in our lives. I shared the struggles I had been having over the last several months and my determination to return to looking for the good, the positive,

the silver lining that is inside every dark cloud. I was using my hands to demonstrate the journey I have been on over the past several years saying that it was like a roller coaster with extreme highs and sudden plunges. Think about a roller coaster with all its highs and lows, twists and turns, upside down, black tunnels, extreme fear, great exhilaration, dread, anticipation. It's great fun for the minute and a half that it takes to complete. But when we allow our lives to be a roller coaster ride with no break in between, just constant looping - well, it makes us sick!!! I went on to say that I needed to find a balance between allowing myself to grieve and allowing myself to live, using my hands to make a slight opposite up and down motion indicating balance. I've used the roller coaster analogy often. But over the last month as I have been being still and waiting on God, He has been telling me that I don't need to be on a roller coaster. 

 So what to do? How do I get off? How do I live life which is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, loop-d-loops, dark tunnels? My friend Tiffany had an epiphany! (Hey, I'm a poet! ;-)) She said that watching my hands make the opposing up and down motion made her think of a teeter-totter and that maybe I needed to stop seeing my life as a roller coaster

and begin seeing it as a teeter-totter with God as the balance. Wowzers! There are ups and downs. We are on one end. Who is on the other? If we invite God to be our teeter-totter partner, sometimes we will be on the top, up in the air, looking at the view. Sometimes we will be on the bottom, getting sand in our shorts. But mostly, we will be balanced, happily going along a mild up and down motion that is simultaneously thrilling and calming. Because God is our balance! Not our circumstances. Not our losses. Not our grief. Not our jobs. Not our children. Not our spouses. Not our....... anything! God, whose weight adjusts perfectly to ours, who never jumps off and sends us crashing to the ground! Rather, when He allows the ground bump, He has only adjusted His weight momentarily for purposes known only to Him. But He will not leave us there unless we start piling on rocks and loading our shorts with sand to keep us weighted down. Then, He allows us to have our way, waiting patiently, gently saying "Throw off the rocks, My love, empty the sand out of your pockets, Gina. It's time to rise from the ground!" Thank you for that new picture, Tiff!!!!

So, no more roller coaster for me! And you know what? God showed me just how to get off! On any roller coaster, when the cars are at the bottom and start that looooooooooong climb to the top, it is very slow. You can feel the train straining, struggling with its burden of people to get to the top. Well, that's where I am. At the bottom, with the roller coaster going slow and struggling to get to the top! And I have unbuckled my belt, raised that bar, and climbed right out! I went at a dead run last night to my teeter-totter and guess who I saw holding it steady, waiting for my arrival? There was my Jesus! I climbed right on and let me tell you, I'm throwing sand out of my pockets as fast as I can. And there sits my Jesus on the other end, adjusting His weight to help me rise, smiling gently at me, saying "I love you so much, Gina! I'm so proud of you for taking that step of faith! I know that even at the bottom of the roller coaster track the ground and this teeter-totter looked very far away! Together, we can make this ride much more pleasant! I may sometimes take you high, I may sometimes let you bump the ground, but I will always be here to balance things out and keep you mostly in the pleasant, smooth, up and down that you enjoy. Keep your eyes on Me, My love, I will not let you drop!"

Praise God forever and forever!!!