Can we talk?

I'd like to tell you about Allan Nickael.

(Al)lan Nickael is the man I grew up with. I met Al when I was 13. Started "going steady" when I was 14. Married him when I was 18. Lost him to cancer when I was not quite 56. I miss him every single day of my life. We grew up together. We grew together. And those are not the same thing. We were young and loved each other so passionately! In some ways, our love never grew past that 16-year-old, all-consuming infatuation. We never lost the passion. It didn't matter whether we were loving or fighting, we did it with gusto! Al was handsome, strong, my fierce protector, my mentor. He was brilliant, the smartest man I have ever known. Oh, I'm sure I've know men who may have placed higher on the IQ scale by a little, but Al was not only highly intelligent, he had good common sense for the most part and he used it! He a was romantic, loving, caring husband. He was a wonderful, fun, loving daddy, a just, loving father (again, different). As I have traveled the last 18 months without him, I have come to more fully appreciate what I had and lost. I will always love him.

Al(lan) Nickael is also the man with whom I fell in love after Al and who further damaged my already broken heart. Just typing these words makes my throat tighten and my eyes sting with tears. Harlan was wonderful! I fell fast and hard! He was charming and loving and handsome and also brilliant. Before him, I was convinced I would never be able to love again. Boy was I wrong! He helped me out of the very darkest days of my life, gave me a light by which to see, illuminated my path, brought great joy to the greatest sorrow I had ever known. Just 3 1/2 months after meeting him, we became engaged. Just five weeks later, I discovered he was not the man I thought him to be. And my world came crashing down. My grief now encompassed two. And the light that was helping me through the darkness of the first loss was snuffed out and the blackness was even deeper. But I learned some things. And, despite the anguish, in the end, I am glad it happened.

Allan N(ick)ael is also a dear, dear friend. I "met" Rick at the same time I met Harlan. We talked and had much in common. But at the same time I ended my conversations with Harlan, I ended our conversations. He invited me to contact him if I ever changed my mind. After Harlan, I needed to "get back on the horse" quickly. So, as invited, I called him, explaining that I wanted nothing more than friendship from him, and we met face-to-face for coffee. From then on, we texted and saw each other often. He let me talk about Al and he talked about his late wife. He let me talk about Harlan, let me cry, didn't criticize me or him, just listened. He let me talk about my dates. Sometimes we laughed (they were often laughable, let me tell you!), sometimes we shook our heads, but he always listened. We hung out. In our mutual loneliness, we were a safe haven for one another. Until he confessed to being in love with me. I only wanted friendship. We had some hard moments. He said he couldn't be just friends. So, I lost my friend. Got him back because he said he could be just friends after all. But I don't think we can and I believe I am in process of losing him permanently. Because I only want friendship from him. And he is such a good friend! Another hard loss.

Allan Nick(ael) is my future. Michael and I met on a dating site. We have known each other for nearly six months. We have spent most weekends together since April. He too has been a good friend. He too has listened to me talk about my Al. I have listened to him talk about his Joyce. He has listened to me talk about Harlan. He has heard all about all the baggage I come with. He has held me and comforted me as I sobbed, he has laughed joyously with me as I have teased and taunted. We have wonderful conversations about God and everything else. He is articulate, intelligent, musical - comfortable. He is passionate and loving. We dance, we walk together, we cuddle, we worship, we have become "us". I admit that I am terrified. Another potential loss. My heart is screaming "PROTECT ME!!!!!". He is older than I. I will almost certainly face a life without him at some point. But, nonetheless, the current companionship and love trump the possibility of future loss and sorrow.

I can no longer separate from these four men. Each of them have become a permanent part of my heart. And that's okay. Because Allan Nickael has helped shape me into today's woman. Stronger than I thought I could be. More tender than I thought I could be. A more committed woman of God. A better friend. A better wife. A better person. Thanks, Allan Nickael!

Thank You God, for giving him to me.