Grief

I am feeling worn today.
Weary, absolutely bone weary.
Not so much physically.
I am emotionally and spiritually weary.

I have heard "It's been nearly two years since he died.

It's time to get over it!"

I've heard, "You can't still love him, miss him that much!

You fell in love with someone else!"

Well they're wrong!

I spent 37 years as Al's wife.

And another five as his girlfriend.

And no matter how much I love another,

he is not Al.

Al cannot be replaced.

He was not instead of.

He was in addition too.

I will never "get over" Al.

I've heard, "You broke up with him nearly a year ago!

It's time to get over it!"

I've heard, "Why would you still love someone who did that to you???"

I've heard, "Be glad he's stopped calling!"

I've heard, "Just move on!"

Well they're wrong.

Because I didn't break up because I stopped loving him.

And the hurt I am experiencing now is not only loss,

it is acceptance.

 

Maybe I love more deeply.

Maybe I'm just more open about my pain.

Maybe those who feel that way haven't walked my journey.

Whatever, people don't understand.

To be honest with you, neither do I for the most part.

I confuse myself!

"Feeling hopeful!"

"Feeling hopeless!"

"Ready to start dating again!"

"Not ready to start dating yet!"

Oy vey!

I think grief is kind of like having pierced ears.

It really hurts when that hole is created!

You realize that it is a permanent hole.

But that scar tissue will form and it won't hurt anymore.

And the scar tissue forms.

But the hole is still there.

So we fill the hole with pretty ornaments.

But it's still there.

And without the ornaments, it's ugly.

And, even years and years later, sometimes it gets infected.

And it hurts again.

It needs concentrated attention.

Light, easy ornamentation.

But no matter what, the holes are there.

Always.

Or maybe it's like a cavity.

It really, really hurts!!!

It's sensitive to hot.

It's sensitive to cold.

It's sensitive to sweet.

So you go to the dentist.

He drills it out.

Fills it up.

And you can eat again.

But every now and again, it's still sensitive.

And even though the hole no longer shows to the naked eye,

it's still there.

It's just filled.

I have two holes in my heart.

They will always be there.

Because nothing can remove them.

Even when I fill them, the holes are still there..

There is not another Al.

Only he can fill that hole.

And he is gone.

There is not another Harlan.

Only he can fill that hole.

And he is gone.

But here's the thing!

Thankfully there is a thing!

The ear hole doesn't always hurt!

And the earrings are pretty and pleasing!

And the tooth repair mostly fixes the pain!

It's only occasional!

And when you smile, or eat, or drink, it looks and feels normal!

My ears are not the same.

They never will be.

My teeth are not the same.

They never will be.

They have been permanently altered.

Permanently.

But not fatally.

Not forever in full-blown trauma!

I am in a moment of infection.

A moment of heat sensitivity.

But it will pass.

Because that's the way life is.

Because I am continuing to choose joy

even in the moments!

Because I am choosing life over existence!

Because tomorrow is another day!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

SUNSHINE!!!!!!

Beautiful, golden, glimmering sunshine!!!!

All! Day! Long!!!

I love occasional cloudiness and rain!

I purely love snow!

But I am very negatively affected

by a steady diet of overcast skies and lack of sunshine!

Today, the sun came out!

It was glorious!

I basked!

I preened!

I reveled!

I soaked up as much of that Vitamin D as possible!

Tomorrow the clouds will return.

But today!

Today the sun shined!

Thank You, Lord!!!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                     ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Could it be???

It's been a strange day.

First, I wakened to no electricity this morning.

I came home one day last week to flashing clocks.

So second time in less than a week.

The price of living in the boonies.

I have a "sunrise" lamp which, of course, 

was not activated.

I have a very hard time waking up in the dark.

So I didn't.

It was 30 minutes past time for me to be at work when I awoke.

And because I'm on well water, 

dependent upon a pump, no water either.

No shower.

Yuck!!!

Of course, with wind chill below zero, and no heat, 

I wouldn't have gotten in the shower anyway!

Cleanliness isn't that important!

So, a math equation:

 

No heat            

+ Water in the pipes

Frozen pipes    

Nearly $300 later, the pipes are good.

And I am clean.

Then, it's one of "those" days.

You know.

A date.

And, to be honest, I have thought about it.

Quite a lot.

But it hasn't been devastating.

Oh, I have felt sadness.

Especially around this time in the evening.

Have teared up a couple times.

But I haven't spent the day crying.

And I could have since I was home.

But I didn't.

And I have found myself expecting.

You know, a call.

But it hasn't come.

And it won't.

And strangely, that's okay too.

It's not what I want.

But we don't always get what we want when we want it.

Or ever.

That's up to God.

And I trust Him.

So, could it be?

Is it possible?

Am I healing?

Is life going on?

And I'm joining in?

I think so!

Thank You, Lord!!! 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                     ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

January

Today was a good day.
Nothing went wrong, everything went right.
I felt happy and cheerful all day.
Until time to come home.
And suddenly, I was exhausted.
Sad.
Terribly, terribly lonely.

January into early February has always been my least favorite time. 
I am one of those people.
I experience the post-Christmas let-down.
I am negatively affected by the lack of sunshine.

And now, the last two Januarys/Februarys have been spent in loosing someone I love.
Dread.
Sorrow.
Terrible, wonderful memories. 

And so, as I tuck myself into my empty bed tonight,
I find myself having to choose joy.
Having to remind myself that joy is not a feeling,
It is a condition.
Sad is only a feeling.
And it will pass.

And tomorrow is another day,
Another opportunity.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Smiling

It has been such a good day!

No particular reason,

just a lovely, pleasant day.

And aren't those just the very best kind of good days!

The Lord is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trusts in him, 

and he helps me. 

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

 ~~ Psalm 28:7 NIV ~~

Making joy

We have had a lot of cold
and quite a bit of ice and snow
in the last few days.

Yesterday it snowed all day long

and the roads were really bad.

So, since I didn't have to get out,

I stayed in.

Today, however, the snow has stopped,

the temps have risen,

and the sun has burst forth.

The roads are still icky but driveable.

So, since my cupboards were getting pretty bare,

and I HAD to get cat litter (just sayin'...),

I ventured out.

While at Walmart,

there were three kids,

attached I assume to the RV parked nearby,

playing on one of the mounds of snow

formed when the parking lot was cleared.

They were climbing up,

sliding down.

They were throwing snowballs at each other.

They were laughing hilariously!

Pure joy!

And it was infectious!

I laughed too!

And, on impulse, I pulled over,

laid myself down,

and made a snow angel!

And I laughed hilariously!

P.S. I was pretty impressed with how small my butt-print is!

That REALLY made me smile!

;-) 

The Lord is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trusts in him, 

and he helps me. 

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

 ~~ Psalm 28:7 NIV ~~