Therapy

The world is my therapist!

The last two Januarys/Februarys

have been very difficult.

I have said painful goodbyes

to the two men I have loved as husbands.

Many people think a therapist teaches a person

how to get through their troubles.

And most therapists do assign "homework".

But they give very little advice.

They listen as their patient processes.

You, my dear readers, have been my therapist!

And over the next six weeks,

You will continue to be so!

Seeing it coming does not lessen the pain.

In fact, in many ways, it increases it.

January and early February

are ripe with hard days.

As I have shared,

I remember dates. 

When I was 13,

I got my first "grown up" kiss.

He was 14,

and while I'm pretty sure I wasn't his first,

I now know he wasn't very good.

I've kissed some experts since then! ;-)

Nonetheless, I was very excited.

That same boy,

about a month later,

raped me as another boy watched.

All these years later,

every year on April 26,

I remember that boy's birthday.

Drives me crazy.

Today is Harlan's birthday.

I imagine I will always remember it.

And today,

it hurts.

But as I was having my time with the Lord this morning,

I was reading in the Book of John.

And what a wonderful thing I read!

My prayer is not for the world,

but for those you have given Me,

because they belong to You.

And all of them,

since they are Mine,

belong to You;...

Holy Father,

keep them and care for them...

so they [will] be filled with my joy...

keep them safe from the evil one...

Make them pure and holy

by teaching them Your words of truth...

I am praying not only for these disciples

but also for all who will ever believe in me

because of their [the disciple's] testimony.

My prayer for all of them is that they will be one,

just as You and I are one, Father -

- that just as You are in Me and I am in You,

so they will be in Us...

You love them as much as You love Me.

                                            ~~ John 17: 9-24 NLT ~~

Isn't that amazing???

All those years ago,

Jesus prayed for me and for you!!!

He loved us then -

- He loves us now!

And the Father,

He loves us just as much as He loves Jesus!!!

So, as I walk through this valley of loss

over the next few weeks,

Jesus is loving on me!

God is loving on me!

As you walk through your valleys,

Jesus is loving on you!

God is loving on you!

We are being lifted

to the very Throne Room of Heaven

by the Prince Himself!

Can't get much more support than that!

And how my heart sings at that truth!

Carry me through these days,

Daddy God!

In the shadows of heartache and loss,

remind me that the "Son" still shines!

I don't understand!

I don't like it!

I wish with all my heart it was different!

I pray with all my heart that I am wrong,

that we will be restored.

But I accept Your will!

I trust You!

Today, I choose joy!

 

Remembering and moving forward

He asked.
And I said yes.

I've mentioned that I remember dates.

Today I remember.

One year ago.

Until one has walked it,

one cannot understand

the brokenness that comes from the death of a spouse.

I am not going to try to explain it

for mere words cannot do justice

to the agony.

On the flip side,

mere words cannot do justice

to the joy of  camouflaged pain

when one falls in love again.

And, oh my, how he had camouflaged the pain!

And, oh my, how much worse it was

when the camouflage was lifted

and new pain was added.

They say that very often

couples who love deeply,

who have deeply committed marriages,

remarry quickly when one dies.

I never understood that.

 

In my early 20's,

Al and I knew a couple who were very much in love.

She and one of their children

was killed in a car accident.

Eleven months later,

he remarried.

I was appalled.

Now I understand.

That hole,

that ginormous hole,

that tremendous void,

screams to be filled.

And while one realizes the person cannot ever be replaced,

the relationship can.

And so, I, 

with God's permission,

 began looking for that relationship.

Marriage.

Since Al's death,

I have met several couples

who remarried within a year of the death of their spouse.

Three of them lost their spouses after I lost Al

and two of those met their spouse and remarried

within three months.

Their were a lot of clicking tongues and wagging fingers.

Can I just say this?

Don't judge!

But Harlan?

Now it's over.

Over.

And it is time to move forward.

And I admit it.

I'm scared.

And sad.

And excited.

 

 

More Revelations

Almost nine months ago,
I returned from one of my
running away from home trips
to find that my wonderful daughters
had done some remodeling
in my kitchen for my birthday.

The blue laminate countertops

that I inherited with the house

had been replaced,

and the worn and cracking

blue tile backsplash

had been removed.

They weren't sure what I wanted

in the way of backsplash

so opted to simply texture and paint

and allow me to decide what I wanted.

It was beautiful!

And I cried when I saw it!

Off to Lowes and Home Depot and Pride Home Center I went!

I bought a new sink.

And a new faucet.

And Kim installed them.

 

I bought back splash tiles.

And mortar.

And cabinetry paint.

And "stuff" to finish it off.

That was, as I said, nearly nine months ago.

And very contrary to my personality,

with the exception of painting the island cabinet,

everything is just as it was when I made the purchases.

The tile is still in the boxes.

The mortar is still in the bag.

The paint is still in the cans.

All of it, just as it was the day I brought it home.

I intend to do it.

Make plans.

Have even hauled everything out.

But it hasn't gotten done.

And it has puzzled me as to why I am so hesitant.

Today, it dawned on me.

I have been waiting.

For him.

We talked about some of the things I wanted to do to my house.

He wanted to help.

I wanted him to help.

And so, I have been waiting.

 Isn't the heart a funny thing!

It makes decisions for us without consulting us.

Without considering - anything.

And we let it.

Because we don't realize it's doing it.

So now I've realized.

Another revelation.

Another reality.

And this weekend, I'm putting up backsplash!

And next weekend,

I'm painting and changing out that 

awful glass in the cabinet doors.

And I am going to revel in a job well done!

An accomplishment all my very own!

On several levels!

Watch for pictures!

New Year's Eve Celebration Report

I had fun!!!

It was AWESOME!!!

And I have the big ol’ blister on my foot to prove it!!!

As it turns out, my friend and I danced only with each other since it was primarily already paired church members attending the dance. But we still had fun!!! He taught me a couple new dance steps and I’m now an expert – ish…. – on one!

He rode the mechanical bull – twice – and was really good at it!

We ate more chili and “sides” than anyone should eat!

We danced in the New Year!

A very satisfying new beginning!

Happy New Year!

 Those of you who listen to K-Love Radio have heard the on-air personalities talking about New Year's resolutions. We make them, we break them. Only a very small percentage of New Year's resolutions are kept. This year, the DJ's suggest, why make them? Rather, ask God to give you a word and focus on that word every day. SOOO in line with what God has been saying to me over the last several months! And the word He has been speaking to me is joy. Specifically choosing joy!

I love this quote! 

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day." 

~~ Henri J. M. Nouwen ~~

It's a fact! Joy does not just happen! Oh yes, there are those occasions. You know them! Opening the perfect gift! Just what you wanted! The phone call you prayed for came - and it went just as you hoped! Those moments of intense happiness. But that is not true joy! I heard another quote a while back, "Happiness is in happenings, joy is in Jesus." and another, "Happiness is something you stumble on while going through life, joy is what you find when specifically seeking God's peace." And God has been pushing me toward this attitude!

Choosing joy does not mean the end of sorrow and grief. It does not mean perfection in all that touches us or all that we touch. It does not mean no more tears, no more pain. We live on a fallen, imperfect earth where satan and his minions wreak havoc each and every day! Bad things happen! And they hurt! And choosing joy does not change that! Rather, choosing joy changes our hearts and our level of peace. 

 ~~~~~

Choosing joy does not change our circumstances. Choosing joy - wait for it - choosing joy changes US!!!


So this is my "word" for 2015: JOY!!! Today, I choose joy! Today, I choose to focus on what God has given, not what He has denied. Today I choose to focus on His gifts to me - and to all of us - not on the sorrows that happen in life. Today I choose to see beyond the clouds to the beautiful silver lining given by the "Son". Today, I choose to look at the storms and see the beauty in the power of the wind, the crash of the thunder, the flash of the lightening. Today, I choose not to stumble through life looking for happiness. Today, I choose joy!

You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.

~~ Psalm 4:7 NLT ~~

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; 

let them ever sing for joy. 

Spread your protection over them, 

that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

~~ Psalm 5:11 NIV ~~

I will be filled with joy because of you. 

I will sing praises to your name, 

O Most High. 

~~ Psalm 9:2 NLT ~~

You make known to me the path of life; 

you will fill me with joy in your presence, 

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

~~ Psalm 15:11 NIV ~~

You will show me the way of life, 

granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

~~ Psalm 16:11 NLT ~~

Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. 

At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, 

singing and praising the Lord with music.

 ~~ Psalm 27:6 NLT ~~

The Lord is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trusts in him, 

and he helps me. 

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

 ~~ Psalm 28:7 NIV ~~

[My 2015 theme verse!]

There I will go to the altar of God, 

to God—the source of all my joy. 

I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!

~~ Psalm 43:4 NLT ~~

Oh, give me back my joy again; 

you have broken me— now let me rejoice...

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, 

and make me willing to obey you.

~~ Psalm 51:8,12 NLT ~~

But as for me, I will sing about your power. 

Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. 

For you have been my refuge, 

a place of safety when I am in distress. 

~~ Psalm 59:16 NLT ~~

You satisfy me more than the richest feast. 

I will praise you with songs of joy.

~~ Psalm 63:5 NLT ~~

Shout for joy to God, all the earth!

~~ Psalm 66:1 NIV ~~ 

But let the godly rejoice. 

Let them be glad in God’s presence. 

Let them be filled with joy.

Psalm 68:3 NLT ~~

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you — I whom you have delivered.

~~ Psalm 71:23 NIV ~~

O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, 

what joy for those who trust in you.

~~ Psalm 84:12 NLT ~~

Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you.

~~ Psalm 86:4 NIV ~~

Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; 

let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. 

~~ Psalm 95:1 NIV ~~

As pressure and stress bear down on me, 

I find joy in your commands.

~~ Psalm 119:43 NLT ~~

We were filled with laughter, 

and we sang for joy. 

And the other nations said, 

“What amazing things the Lord has done for them.”

~~ Psalm 126:2 NLT ~~

And my prayer for each of you this year:

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. 

May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”

~~ Psalm 40:16 NLT ~~

New Year's Eve

As I write this, some of my readers have already crossed over into 2015. Some are only an hour or two away. Those of us in the United States are preparing for the evening's celebrations.

I want to say to my readers as I close out this year that I appreciate each and every one of you! You have walked a very difficult journey with me this year. One of elation to heartache to the beginnings of healing. I hope that you have watched my struggles and learned that God is faithful! That He is compassionate! That He is trustworthy! That He carries us when we can't walk! That He loves us unconditionally, unendingly, and wholly!

As I continue to say goodbye to Al, I was struck by a verse in the Book of John this week.

If you really love Me, you will be very happy for Me, because now I can go to the Father...

                                                 ~~ John 14:28 NLT ~~

This was spoken by Jesus at The Last Supper as He was preparing His disciples for what was to come and the sorrow they would experience. Way back at the end of September of 2013, God brought me to this point with my Al. While still sorrowing for myself, just as Jesus knew the disciples would grieve for Him, God performed a miracle of peace in my heart over Al's death. He showed me that our love was complete, that it was okay for me to live. This verse spoke that to me again this week as I approach the second anniversary of Al's home-going. And I am truly happy for him!

Then, as I continue to try to convince my heart to let Harlan, whom I was so sure was God's choice for me, go, I covet your prayers. This is harder, for he is not with Jesus. He has stopped contacting me, and there have been some other evidences that he has finally let me go. And that, I suppose, has been helpful. Now if I could just let him go, for my heart still wishes. But that same chapter in John spoke to me again this week.

"I am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart.

And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives.

So don't be troubled or afraid."

                                               ~~ John 14:27 NLT ~~

God and God alone knows the coming days. He knows my heart and it's longings far better than even I know myself. He knows why my relationship with Harlan was in His will - for I have no doubt that it was, there is just too much evidence - and He knows why things have happened as they have. He has a plan for me. And just as He gave me peace in my loss of Al, Thanksgiving weekend, He performed another miracle in my spirit, regarding my loss of Harlan. And while I still sorrow for him as well, I am at peace at last.

I don't know where His plan will carry me this year. But I hope you will continue to walk the journey with me. There will be changes one way or the other, because that is part of life.

Some of you I know personally. Some of you I know via online groups only. Some of you I think I know, but am not sure. Some of you are strangers. But know that I pray for you, my readers, each and every day! I pray that God is glorified in my posts, that you are uplifted, and that you realize you are not alone in struggling on this earth - for we all have struggles, it is the cost of sin.

I pray that as you celebrate the start of a New Year, if you do not know Christ personally as your Saviour, you will take time to seek Him and give your heart to Him! If you have questions about that, please ask. All comments are moderated and if you want private replies, I am happy to do that.

May God richly bless you in 2015. May He grant you each the peace and joy that only comes through Him!

I'm going dancing tonight! Please celebrate safely whatever you are doing!

Love,
Gina

We're havin' a heat wave.......

The high for the day today was a balmy 14.
It is currently 8 with a windchill of -19.
Last I heard, we were headed for a low of -5 tonight.
Fahrenheit.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Some of you are rolling your eyes and saying "So?"

But we in these here parts are not used to this!

Our blood's just too thin for all this cold.

I'll talk to you all when it's 105 in the shade in May.

It has also snowed all day long.

Now I'm going to tell you a secret.

Shhhhhh, don't tell anyone.

I like snow!

And to be very honest, I haven't minded the cold too much.

I wouldn't want a steady diet of these temps, but now and again it's kind of fun.

I love the beauty of the snow!

The flakes falling, the drifting, the sparkle, it's beautiful!

And I love the crispness of the cold.

The wind hasn't blown too bad today so layers have provided sufficient warmth.

Except for my feet, fingers, and nose.

But that's okay.

So tonight, I'm a bit like a little kid.

Ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy!!!

It's snowing!!!

We'll talk again in February when I'm running away to the coast!

The heart wants what the heart wants!

This training, disciplining the mind to not think about something is no easy task!
Especially when the mind isn't all in on this whole thing.
And MOST especially when the heart is not on board at all!!!
The heart shouts so loud, the mind can't help but hear!

I don't trust my heart.
I don't trust my mind.
But I trust my God!
And He will bring my mind and heart into harmony with His.
Until He does, I will trust Him to carry me through the shouting of my heart.