Goin' Dancin', I am!

Yep! I sure am!
New Year's Eve!

Now lest you think I'm gettin' wild in my new-claimed freedom,

the dance is at the Cowboy Church!

But I'm going to go,

and I'm going to have fun!

I'm not going alone.

My friend, Rick, 

also learning to be single after loss,

is going too.

We're each other's safety net.

Neither of us has to be a wall-flower!

We can dance with whomever we want,

but if no one asks -

perish the thought -

or if no one accepts -

perish the thought -

we have each other!

Now, I'm a teen of the late 60's/early 70's.

And I wasn't a "kicker".

So country dancing is not my forte.

I do a mean twist, but my two-step is,

shall we say half a step shy of two....

But I can get along.

I find myself strangely nervous.

And I don't usually get nervous about this kind of stuff.

But it's the first time stepping out since accepting. 

And it's different than when I thought maybe, just maybe....

So my first adventure in my new life.

Again, a new life.

There won't be any kissing at midnight,

but that's okay!

It's a New Year's Eve party!

And it's going to be fun!!!

Nope, not yet.......

The last couple weeks have been a time of revelation.
This second Christmas without my Al was more difficult that I anticipated.
In many ways, it was harder than last year.
I may have said this already.
But it bears repeating.

Then, of course, there has been the other personal loss this year.

And that is where the revelations have come in.

Hard things to face.

In many ways harder than the break-up.

Because then, despite saying there was no hope from the beginning,

I hoped.

But I was right.

There is no hope.

And that's just the way it is.

So, I decided to give it another shot.

Reopened my Christian Mingle and eHarmony accounts.

Didn't pay, just wanted to look around.

Nope.

Not ready for dating sites.

I may never be ready for dating sites again!

But I am ready to move forward.

Or at least I'm ready to be ready!

I am accepting my situation for what it is.

I am single.

I am no longer a married woman.

I am no longer an engaged woman.

I am not cheating on anyone.

So look out home town!

I'm done hiding away in sorrow and tears!

I may not be actively dating, but I'm living!

And it's time I started acting like it! 

Warts and all

I have an imperfection on my face.
            I've had it for years.
                        It doesn't bother me any.
                                    It's just a little blemish.
                                                Okay, it's a wart.
                                                            Just above my upper lip.
                                                                        It's very small and flesh colored.
                                                                                    It's barely noticeable.
                                                                                                In fact, my guess is
                                                                                                            that people who know me
                                                                                                will look for it next time we meet.
                                                                                      But recently, someone noticed it.
                                                                        We were eating.
                                                            He thought I had a crumb.
                                                It didn't brush off.
                                    Now, I told you it doesn't bother me.
                        Nonetheless, I was sorely tempted to act all hurt.
            But he already felt so bad that I didn't.
I let him off the hook.

I'm such a saint.... ;-)

We all have blemishes.

            Physical ones.

                        Emotional ones.

                                    Mental ones.

                                                Spiritual ones.

                                                            They make us unique.

                                                                         Interesting.

                                                                                     Boy, am I interesting!

                                                                                                 But the thing is,

                                                                                                             Even when people don't,

                                                                                                                         when they can't -                                                                                                            or won't -

                                                                                                  forgive us for our mistakes,

                                                                                     forgive us our wrongs against them,

                                                                         no matter how we beg,

                                                            we can still experience it!

                                                We can forgive ourselves,

                                    move past the unforgiveness.

                        And more to the point,

            God forgives us ALWAYS when we ask.

He lets us off the hook, warts and all!

Isn't that just the most amazing thing!

A new day dawning

I have said that to myself many times today.

Because it's a new day!

And it's time to put those old thoughts to bed!

Redirecting one's thoughts is not easy.

Thoughts can become a habit just like anything else.

And when you realize you've gone there again,
you have to say

And of course the more you try to stop,
the more you think of it!

Unlike physical habits,
thought habits don't require action
so they are harder to control.

I don't have to light a cigarette,
pop a piece of candy or a chip into my mouth.

Thoughts just wander in
and before a person knows it,
they've spent a few minutes
thinking about "it".

And when the thing about which one is thinking
is not something one wanted to give up to begin with,
when the not thinking about it hurts as much as,
or even more than,
the thinking about it,
well, it's just that much harder. 

But stop it I will!!!

Me and God.
We can do anything!

But I will trust in Your unfailing love,
I will rejoice because You have rescued me.
                             ~~ Psalm 13:5 NLT ~~

Gifts

Today is Christmas. The day we give and receive gifts in celebration of the greatest gift ever given - our Saviour, born to redeem us!

Today, I received another great gift.
One for which I asked.
An answered prayer.

It was not answered the way I wanted.

But it was answered very clearly!

And despite my disappointment,

despite my sorrow at the answer,

I am very glad for the clarity.

At last.

Thank You, Daddy God!

I don't understand.

I don't like it.

But I accept it.

And I trust You!

Merry Christmas

The Birth of Jesus

2 At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. ² (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. ⁴ And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David’s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. ⁵ He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant.

⁶ And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. ⁷ She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

The Shepherds and Angels

⁸ That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. ⁹ Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, ¹⁰ but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. ¹¹ The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! ¹² And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.”

¹³ Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying,

¹⁴ “Glory to God in highest heaven,
    and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

¹⁵ When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

¹⁶ They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. ¹⁷ After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. ¹⁸ All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, ¹⁹ but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. ²⁰ The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.

~~ Luke 2:2-20 NLT ~~

 

Christmas Eve

This Christmas Eve will be different.

Different than any other I've ever had.

Different than I anticipated.

Tonight, Grammie is spending the night with Kylie!

And Kylie is very, very excited!

We are used to Kylie spending the night with Grammie.

But on top of Santa's anticipated arrival tonight...

...well, let's just say it's very special to be loved so much

by such sweet innocence!

It makes me think of the love of the Baby in the manger!

The love of sweet innocence.

The love of sacrifice.

That sweet innocence taking on my sin.

That sweet innocence taking on your sin.

The love of sweet innocence.

The love of Jesus.

May you experience the joy of His gift!

True Confessions

Can I be honest here?
I'm feeling sorry for myself.
I have faced some very hard truths the last few days.
And I am really feeling the loneliness of this "season of love".

Today, I stopped at three stores that I have not been in for a long while.

The last time was with Al.

I was looking for the last gift I needed to purchase.

In the first one, I teared up.

They didn't have what I wanted.

On to the second store, where I cried.

They didn't have what I wanted.

On to the third store, where I stood in line with my gift, sobbing.

Then I stopped and got cookies
and came home and had them for dinner.
Because that's helpful!
Hey! At least it wasn't a bottle of wine!

But I have to tell you something.

In the facing of truths and the sorrow it brings,

in the missing Al and the sorrow it brings,

in the loneliness of this season of love,

I am at peace.

Because, you see, trusting God doesn't mean no sorrow.

Faith in God does not mean never being alone and lonely in the human sense.

Having peace in Him is not dependent upon my circumstances.

It is not dependent upon getting what I want.

It is not dependent upon going to Llano Cemetery and finding no grave marked "Al".

It is not dependent upon getting a phone call or an email or having my doorbell ring.

No, it is none of those things.

Peace in Him is dependent upon Him.

And He is faithful even when we are not.

He does not fail us even when we fail Him.

He is trustworthy even when we don't trust Him.

He is with us, He never ever leaves us! 

The Baby in the manger.

That is what this season of love is all about.

It's not about sipping cocoa while wrapping presents together.

It's not about cuddling by the fireplace, watching the tree twinkle.

It's not about presents for and from that special someone.

It's the Baby Jesus.

Come from Heaven - knowing what the future held - to save us each and everyone.

That is love! 

Marveling, Part II

Today,
my baby girl is 37.

Now, 

how that happened when I myself only turned 37 on my last birthday, 

I'm not sure, 

but I digress.

My precious baby, 
my sweet little angel girl,
the apple of her daddy's eye,
all grown up to a lovely woman.

How blessed I am that God chose me to be her mother!!!

I think of Mary 

and how honored she must have felt

being chosen to be the mother of 

Christ Jesus, Saviour of the world,

and I understand a bit.

Oh, my baby was not the Messiah!

Trust me on this!

Her teen years bear that out!

But, again, I digress....

No, she was not destined for greatness.

She would not save the world.

But she would certainly touch it!

For the good!

Let me tell you some things.

My sweet toddler running to me in tears

because the other children on the playground

wouldn't listen to her tell them about Jesus.

My adorable elementary school child

asking if we could buy something for

her friend for Christmas instead of another

gift for her because her friend was poor.

It was the only year she and her sister

didn't have the same number of gifts under the tree.

She had one less.

My sassy teenager

giggling with delight

the year we were having our 

mommy/daughter skip day

and saw a teacher at the mall.

(Yes, sometimes I was a bad influence...)

The precious young woman,

out on her own,

telling her sister not to be in such a hurry

and that mom and dad weren't as dumb as they thought.

(A very satisfying, overheard conversation!)

The tender woman,

grieving herself,

who took mama in hand when daddy died,

and made sure she survived.

And who, a few months later,

rejoiced with her in new-found love.

And a few months after that,

carried her again through sorrow

at yet another loss,

never criticizing,

never belittling,

always supporting.

No, she was not destined for greatness

in the world's eyes.

But she is great!

For she is exactly what God created her to be...

...an excellent wife,

one of the two best momma's I know,

a daughter extraordinaire,

this remarkable woman is my child.

And I marvel at God's wonderful gift to me!

Marveling, Part I

I marvel at God's timing!

Long before my life was in flux,

long before loneliness and longing became my closest companions,

long before I would be tempted to move too quickly,

He arranged this devotion for this day.

Today marks one year since the beginning of the end.

Jesus said to her,  

“Did I not say that if you would believe, 

you would see the shining-greatness of God?”

                                                ~~ John 11:40 NLV ~~

Changing the bedding

For years, I changed my bedding twice a week.
Friday and Monday or Tuesday.
I like clean sheets.
Al liked clean sheets.
So I changed them often.

Recently, I began working outside my home for the first time in a couple years.
Long hours.
So I began looking for things to cut back on at home.
Changing the bedding twice a week seems foolish in a bed for one.
So I went to once a week, on Saturday.

And you know, it makes a difference!
I really didn't anticipate that I would notice all that much.
After all, it's just me in there.
But I do!

Even though I make my bed every morning,
clean sheets are smoother, nicer to lay between.
Even though I bathe every night before bed,
clean sheets smell fresher.

And this morning, after spending much of
the last two days and three nights in my bed,
the bedding smelled sick.
You know what I mean,
that sour smell of illness.
It was very unpleasant.

It made me think of life.
Hanging on to things that need to be changed. 
Things making me sick.
Things beginning to stink.

Sometimes they're big, complex things.
Sometimes they're small, simple things.
But they make a difference either way.

God has taken advantage of my more tender heart,
my lack of well maintained walls,
during the last couple days of illness.
He has shined light in areas of my heart I have kept firmly closed off.
It has been very revealing.
And hard.

Once I'm well and not so emotional,
there will be some decisions to consider,
some changes to be made.

I think I may at last be ready to get rid of the smell of illness
and begin reveling in the freshness of clean sheets.