Today...

It seems like yesterday.

It seems like forever ago.

Sometimes it seems like it was not really my life,

but someone else's that I read about.

But it was real.

And it was ten years ago today.

A whole decade since we heard those words,

"Mr. Garrett, you do have cancer."

He was so matter-of-fact, emotionless.

He was simply doing his job as the ER physician on duty.

He explained what would happen in the next few hours,

then went on to his next patient.

I feel rather certain he never thought of us again,

at least not more than in passing.

But our lives, my life, was profoundly changed in that instant.

I look back over the last decade

and think of how different it has been 

than it would have been without those words.

An instant.

Just an instant.

Six little words delivered in a second or less.

That instant ten years ago still affects my today,

my children's today,

the today of people who

did not even know me in that instant,

never knew him.

We live in hope,

hope in Christ,

a "promise" hope

not a "wish" hope,

but an assurance of His future, prepared for us.

On that day ten years ago,

we didn't know the extent of his cancer

and for a few days,

we lived in that wish kind of hope. 

We quickly moved into the Promise Hope;

today, I still live there.

 

I have been privileged to see a glimpse of that Promise in this past decade.

I have seen a glimpse of it in watching dear, precious loved ones

cross that divide.

I have seen a glimpse of it in His restoration of my desire to live.

He is real!

Heaven is real!

Redemption is real!

Life does go on!

There is healing over there,

and there is healing here!

 

But while we are yet here,

in our humaness,

we grieve our earthly loss.

Ten years ago today, I felt it.

Eight months, three days later, I felt it.

Today, ten years later, I feel it.

 

Today, I think of a decade from now.

What will the upcoming decade hold?

How many more times will the sorrow of grief touch me? 

How many more joys will I experience?

How many more glimpses of the Promise of Hope will I see?

 

Today, as my heart remembers,

today as the pain of that moment is felt deep within my soul,

today as I think of the amazing man

who moved to his final home eight months, three days later,

today as I think of the life I live now

and wonder about the life I might have lived if...

...today, I think of the pain in Uvalde, Texas.

I think of the husbands,

the sons and daughters,

the mommies and daddies,

the brothers and sisters,

the grandparents, cousins, friends,...

my heart breaks for them

and for us as a nation.

 

Today, for all those mourn,

there is overwhelming grief.

Crushing anguish.

Anger.

It is fresh, acute.

Today, they look to a future that is empty of someone precious.

There will not be one "anniversary",

there will be thousands.

The rest of their lives will be filled with events where there is an empty chair.

Moving forward will be slow and painful.

Taking the next breath will be painful...

 

For our nation, we will move forward much more quickly,

we already have begun to move from shocked outrage 

into political opportunity.

But we will remember.

Every year our Facebook memories

will bring up the "Pray for Uvalde" profile picture change

and our heads will shake at the senseless violence,

the putrid loss of life,

our hearts will squeeze as we remember the shock and outrage,

we will lift those left behind once again in prayer.

 

Let us all, as I do on this tenth anniversary of "D-day",

let us all remember,

our Hope is not in legislation,

it is not in a utopian society,

it is not in filling an empty chair on a dark day of remembrance -

for it cannot be filled this side of eternity -

let us remember,

our Hope is in Jesus Christ.

And it is a sure Hope,

a Promise!

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. 

 But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

                                        ~~ John 16:33 ~~

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, 

and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. 

All these things are gone forever.

                                                ~~ Revelation 21:4 NLT~~

Because I said so!

Did you ever say that to your kids?

I did!

But not as often as my mom said it to me!

Back in the day:

Me: Why???

My mom: Because I said so.

Me: But WHY!?!?!

My Mom: Because I said so and don't use that tone of voice with me!!!

 

Me with my kids:

My Kids: Why???

 

Me: Because...explanation given.

 

My Kids: But that's not fair!!!

 

Me: Tries to explain in a different way.

 

My Kids: That's stupid! Everyone else gets to...whatever...why can't I???

 

Me: Because I'm not everyone else's mother and I said no!

 

My Kids: WHY!?!?!

 

Me: Because I said so and this conversation is over!

My mom was right.

And honestly, sometimes she gave an explanation up front,

but if she didn't and I asked...

And even if she did,

I usually disagreed!

And if I disagreed,

it usually was at the expense of other things I wanted to do and lost the privilege 

for using my mouth in a way it shouldn't have been used!

 

Both methods, hers and mine,

resulted in the same conclusion -

the kids didn't understand and went away unhappy!

Even with an explanation,

the kids did NOT understand

or accept it as reasonable!

 

Sometimes I'm still the kid!!!

I still want to know why!

 

My Lanny Love and I are currently facilitating another GriefShare 

and this past week we discussed "why?"

Never more than when bad things happen -

and the loss of someone we love feels really, really bad -

we want to know why.

Particularly, I think, when the loss is a spouse, child, or unexpected.

In GriefShare, we are reminded that 

God's ways are far above our ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

 

and asked, 

 

Where were you when I created the universe?

Tell me if you know so much! (Job 38:4).

 

We are further reminded that

even if God told us why,

we wouldn't understand or accept the explanation

because...

well, because we want our way and our way would be

for our loved one(s) to still be physically present in our lives.

 

GriefShare is right.

No explanation would have been sufficient

to explain my Al's illness and death.

I still would have wanted him here with me!

I still would have wanted to share my meals and my bed,

    my thoughts and feelings,

        my sorrows and joys,

            with him! 

This morning, in Sunday School, 

we were discussing Elijah the Prophet.

In I Kings 18, we read the story of the Baal worshippers

versus the God worshippers.

 

The prophets of Baal prayed and prayed

to the point of cutting themselves

trying to bring fire down from their gods

onto the altar build for them. 

 

 

 

 

When Elijah's turn came,

he had everything wet down!

They wet down the sacrifice,

they wet down the altar,

they dug a moat around it and filled it with water.

Everything was drenched!

Then he prayed,

and fire fell from heaven onto the altar

consuming the sacrifice,

the water,

even the rocks from which the altar was built!

It was a rousing success for God and for Elijah!!!

But the Queen, Jezebel, the main Baal worshipper,

she was ticked off!!!

And she swore to Elijah that he would pay with his life!

So he ran!

And when he finally dropped from exhaustion, hunger, and thirst,

he cried out to God, 

"WHY???? 

I did all you asked! 

And here I am, 

fleeing for my life!!! 

Just kill me now and be done with it!!!"

(I Kings 19:4b, Gina paraphrase)

Right here, our Sunday School teacher said a profound thing.

"And God said 'Because I said so!'"

And there it is!

The ultimate Parent,

The Father of fathers and mothers and children,

did not offer an explanation.

Because Elijah would still not have understood.

He would not have accepted it.

But through this, he learned something really important.

Sometimes we understand God's movements,

and sometimes we don't,

but always we can trust that He knows what He is doing,

that He has our best interest at heart!

 

And he lay down and slept under a broom tree.

And behold, an angel touched him and said to him,

"Arise and eat."

And he looked, and behold,

there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones

and a jar of water.

And he ate and drank and lay down again.

And the angel of the Lord came again a second time

and touched him and said,

"Arise and eat,

for the journey is too great for you."

And he arose and ate and drank,

and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights...

 

~~ I Kings 19:5-8 ESV

 

Because He said so... 

I am broken...

It's true.

I am broken.

So are you.

We are all broken.

 

I know most of my brokenness,

though there are those things others see that I don't.

You know most of your brokenness,

though there are those things others see that you don't.

God sees them all.

And He loves us anyway!!!

I love that!

But that isn't the subject of this blog.

 

Have you ever thought about what it would be like

not to be broken?

What would you be like?

My Lanny Love and I were talking about that the other day. 

That day is coming for Christ followers!

 

Think of it!

 

All those sensitive, easily hurt feelings -

GONE!

All those things we do or say that hurt others -

GONE!

Regrets -

GONE!

Guilt -

GONE!

The PTSD from abuse, grief, war -

GONE!

The selfishness, greed, covetousness, envy, resentment -

GONE!

The mouth that engages ahead of the brain -

GONE!

The quick, volatile, hard to control temper - 

GONE!

Mental illness, depression, anxiety -

GONE!

All the brokenness -

GONE!

 

We will still be us!

Our personalities won't change,

they will simply be fixed!

Those things that sin broke,

completely restored!

 

I think I see a glimpse of this miracle as I age.

As my body (which will also be perfected)

becomes more broken with time,

my spirit becomes less so with God,

as He refines me through His Spirit,

as I seek to more closely reflect Christ.

But still, there are those broken bits, those things

that only eternal perfection can fix!

 

Imagine what the earth was like before sin!

Perfection! 

No death, no aging, no husband and wife spats.

Mosquitos didn't bite!

Wind did not destroy!

The earth did not shake!

Think of that with our brokenness!

 

 How amazing is heaven!!! 

 

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing 

with the glory that will be revealed in us.

~~ Romans 8:18 ~~  

Autumn

Today, I am Medicare years old.

I have entered the autumn of my life.

I love the seasons God has given us!

 

Springtime when everything is new,

there is growth and beauty all around us

as the springs begin to flow once again,

the trees put on buds, then fresh, green leaves,

flowers bloom and spread their fragrance,

the grass becomes once again soft and plush,

birds begin to sing, baby creatures appear.

I love spring!

 

Then summer,

long days filled with warmth and sun,

a lazy rhythm that strums along on its own,

vacations and family and fun,

beaches and pools, roller skates and bicycles,

balmy evenings under starlit skies.

I love summer!

 

Autumn with its crisp coolness,

vibrant colors and pungent scents,

bonfires and homecoming and football,

fireplaces and candles, 

warm stews and soups and breads,

cozy blankets and soft sweaters.

I love Autumn!

 

Finally, winter,

its contrasts of stark blacks against pure white,

revealed shapes and twists of interest in the trees,

snowball fights and sledding and ice skating,

hot chocolate and spiced cider,

holidays and home and family.

I love winter!

 

Each of the seasons with an assigned time,

but each encroaches upon the others.

Sudden blasts of winter in the autumn and spring.

Days that feel unbearably hot in the moderate temperatures

of spring and autumn.

Unusually cool respites in the early and late days of summer.

 

By the end of each season,

we are seeing less of the beauty and more of the contentious:

spring winds and rain;

     summer's blistering heat;

        autumn's decay and slow death of summer's beauty;

            winters bitter cold and icy winds.

Our focus has shifted.

So it is with the seasons of life.

In each of the seasons, some of the others encroach.

Our spring time is filled with wonder and laughter,

but as we grow, responsibility begins to creep in.

Summer finds its rhythm and flows along,

until an icy blast of winter or the flaming heat of summer

knocks us off our feet.

Autumn beauty and peaceful reverie loses its charm

as we begin to notice the decay in aching joints and sagging skin.

And winter contrasts and reverie give way

to the shortness of the days and creeping night.

I am new to autumn.

I am still seeing only the vibrant colors,

smelling only the bonfires and warm bread,

relishing the mild days and cool evenings.

I do see it.

I know it's there,

the decay.

But I choose not to look at it as a loss.

Instead, I am choosing to focus on

the opportunity to rake crisp, crunchy leaves

and jump into the pile I created!

 

Today I am 65.

I have reached autumn.

Some never have that privilege.

Today, as I reached autumn,

my great grandson entered spring,

born on his great grandma's birthday.

I get to watch him grow,

watch his mommy and daddy as they approach summer,

watch his grandma and grandpa enjoying the lazy days of mid-summer.

 

I love autumn!

I am beauty from ashes!

 I am beauty from ashes!!!

Me!

Beauty from ashes!

How amazing is that!?!

This blog has been a while in the writing.

Sometimes my posts just flow.

Sometimes I can't get my thoughts,

the feeling I am trying to convey, on paper,

yet, I feel the need to do so.

After much prayer and re-writing,

here it is.

 

Most of the time,

we make things difficult all by ourselves.

Have you ever noticed that?

Oh, we like to say so-and-so or such-and-such made it hard

but if we shine light within,

invite the Holy Spirit to reveal what He sees to us,

we mostly find that we bear the majority responsibility

for the difficulty of our circumstances,

the tender soreness of our emotions. 

I have always struggled with feeling 

        unworthy,

                less-than,

                        unlovable.

This struggle colors most of my relationships,

outlining them in a muddy gray.

 

There are many, many joys and benefits

in remarriage after widowhood.

I highly recommend it once the Lord has told you you are ready

and brings you to "the one" He has prepared for you!

But there are some things in widowed remarriage,

especially to another widowed individual,

that can be challenging.

Since this blog has mostly evolved into the joys and challenges of

remarriage from widowhood,

and, based on comments, 

some of you are learning the realities of remarriage as you consider it

or realizing you are not alone in your experiences if you have taken the plunge,

I feel compelled to share this deeply personal,

and, for me, one of the more meddlesome aspects. 

Sometimes a song will play,

or we are watching an emotional movie scene -

especially one about deep love, loss, sorrow -

or a picture of some special place comes up,

        my Lanny Love's face goes soft,

                his eyes get that far away look,

                        sometimes fill with tears...

I know he is remembering, loving, longing.

And I know it's not me he's thinking of.

I know this because I do it too.

And I completely understand it!

Most of the time, we cry together,

hold and comfort one another in our mutual grief.

But for a woman who struggles with feeling,

not second, but second best,

(I do this all on my own!

My Lanny Love never, ever 

indicates that I am "less than"!)

sometimes seeing that play out is difficult.

 

A while back I was lamenting to our Lord in prayer about this.

I told Him He had given me 

such a great and marvelous gift in my Lanny Love

and I felt like I diminished it by my feelings of inferiority, insecurity.

He led me to this Scripture.

"...He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion --

to give them a headdress instead of ashes,

[beauty from ashes]

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord,

that He may be glorified."

 

                            ~~ Isaiah 61:2-3 ESV ~~

My immediate response was,

"Thank You, Daddy God, for my Lanny Love!

In him, You have given me beauty from the ashes of my brokenheartedness,

comfort from the greatest sorrow I have ever known!

Thank You!"

And He replied!

And I was shocked!

Yes, my child, my precious, broken child,

yes, I have given you Lanny.

Lanny, 

the beauty grown in the midst of the ashes of your destroying fire.

And I have given the same to him in you!

You are my gift to him!

You

are the beauty springing up in the midst of the ashes of his destroying fire!

 

This is the note I wrote in the margin of my Bible that morning:

"I am "beauty from ashes"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am "comfort"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am the "oil of gladness"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am the "garment of praise"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am the "planting of the Lord"! 

Thank You, Lord!

I am second to be sure,

but I am not second best!"

 

 How amazing is that!!!

The 10th year

I am trying to dress for church

and my eyes keep leaking.

It's a problem.

 

I am seven weeks and two days into my tenth year as a widow.

I know that because it was exactly seven weeks and two days

after Al's death until our 37th wedding anniversary.

Today would have been our 46th.

It is the 10th I have commemorated as his widow.

 

When we celebrated our 36th,

I had no idea that the next year I would be a widow,

that ten years later,

I would be thinking "only four more until 50!"

Alone.

We should have had 50!

 

Those of you who are long time readers

may remember my writings on the "nickles",

those 5th year events. 

They were somehow harder,

more significant,

because our culture measures significance of events in fives.

A 9th or 11th birthday isn't a big deal,

a 10th is.

A 24th anniversary, okay.

A 25th, WOW!

A 26th? Back to okay.

Fives.

 

Even bigger are tens!

As a fellow widow friend pointed out this week,

the math is easier.

And since death enlarges everything to those remaining...

 

So here I am,

in my 10th year of widowhood

and just like the fives,

the tens seem somehow more significant, larger.

 

I thought I was doing well,

and I am.

But this week, 

this entire month,

I have been "off".

The last several days

I have been overly sensitive,

moody.

And today my eyes are leaking.

Maybe allergies.

Or a mild bug.

Or renewed grief.

 

Ours was an adventure in marriage.

We worked hard at it.

Sometimes we did great,

sometimes not so well.

But the thing that was consistent,

the thing that kept us working when it was hard,

was deep love,

    deep need,

        deep admiration,

            deep respect.

We each knew the other very well.

We saw what others didn't.

Ours was a marriage worth working at!!!

 

This morning I am sad.

My heart hurts.

And I am glad.

For my sadness is the result of a marriage that was worth having.

 

Happy anniversary, Alfie!

 

 

 

 Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death, 

its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
    the brightest kind of flame. 

Many waters cannot quench love,
    nor can rivers drown it.
If a man tried to buy love
    with all his wealth, 

his offer would be utterly scorned.

                        ~~ Song of Solomon 8:6-7 ~~

 

 

Boaz and Ruth

 

From my journal seven years ago today:

 

"Tonight's the night! 

Lanny meeting. 

I'm very excited - and a bit nervous. 

He seems too good to be true... 

Please God, 

please let him be the fine, Godly man he represents himself to be!"  

 

And he was and so much more!

 

That prayer on the night of our first date

was one of many that had gone before it,

both generally,

and about him specifically!

 

In the first few months of my widowhood,

I simply prayed to survive.

Then as I began to know I did want to remarry,

I began to pray for my Boaz,

that God would prepare him for me,

bring him along.

In my widow's groups,

we talked a lot about finding our "Boaz"

and we all prayed for him!

But I began to realize

I was only praying for a small part

of what I needed to pray about 

before seeking remarriage.

I stopped, dead still,

and listened to the Holy Spirit.

And I began praying less for 

God to prepare and bring my Boaz

and more for God to make me into a Ruth,

prepare me for him.

 

On that night,

seven years ago,

I knew what I wanted in my "kinsman redeemer",

my Boaz,

but more importantly,

more than I had ever known in 37 years of marriage,

I knew what God wanted of this Ruth,

of this widowed woman,

to become a worthy woman to be a wife.

 

That evening followed several weeks of written communication,

sharing deeply of our lives and hearts,

our losses and sorrows,

our hopes and desires.

I was already half in love

when I walked through the door of the restaurant

and saw him standing there.

Three hours later,

I knew I wanted to see him again,

and when he asked for a second date,

I gladly accepted

and closed my eHarmony page.

The rest, as they say,

is history.

 

Seven years ago tonight,

I met my Lanny Love face-to-face.

I'm so glad I was ready!!!

 

[And Ruth sought]

"...a worthy man...in whose sight I shall find favor...

...Then she fell on her face,

bowing to the ground, and said to him,

'Why have I found favor in your eyes,

that you should take notice of me...

...I have found favor in your eyes,

my lord, for you have comforted me

and spoken kindly to your servant...

I am Ruth, your servant.

Spread your wings over your servant,

for you are a redeemer...'

...[Boaz] said, '...you are a worthy woman.'

...So Boaz took Ruth,

and she became his wife."

                            ~~ From the Book of Ruth ~~

 

 

I know someone...

I have a ministry.

Grief.

I feel called to this,

compelled to talk about it.

I do a fair amount of one-on-one grief counseling.

I co-facilitate grief groups with my Lanny Love.

And many of the posts in this blog talk about grief.

They talk about the experience of grief,

widowed grief in particular,

and what it looks like to walk through it.

They talk about grief being the price of love.

Not all of them are grief focused,

but many.

This one will also address grief,

but the other side of it.

 

I know someone who is a grief expert.

No, she is not a grief counselor,

she has simply suffered significant losses to death.

That really does make you an expert!

 

But this woman does not use her grief expertise

to help others heal,

rather, she has embraced grief,

made it who and what she is.

For years, she has been grief stricken

to the point of being incapacitated.

She rarely leaves her home.

She has few relationships,

just her children, grandchildren, and one sister.

She has wrapped herself in a cocoon of misery

and refused to come out,

spread her wings,

and fly!

 

She deeply and truly believes that

her grief is deeper, more profound than anyone else's.

Relationship does not matter.

She lost a brother.

Her grief was deeper than that of her parents'.

She lost a father.

Her grief was deeper than that of her siblings or mother.

She lost a brother.

Her grief was deeper than that of her siblings, his children, his widow.

I know this to be true because I have heard her say this.

 

She has taken this grief

and wrapped it around her like a blanket,

layer after layer.

Thick, heavy quilts,

weighing her down,

suffocating her,

snuffing her very life out,

leaving behind only grief.

 

She has been this way for many years.

 

Her grief has beget children.

Bitterness.

Anger.

Resentment.

Loss of faith.

Abandonment.

 

THIS IS NOT HOW WE ARE TO GRIEVE!

THIS IS NOT THE PRICE OF LOVE!

 

In the beginning,

that cocoon of grief is hard and unyielding 

and you need it.

It is your protection in many ways.

It keeps your loved one closer in the short term.

It keeps out the noise that might distract you from the work at hand -

because grief is hard, hard work!

But eventually,

the worm of grief begins to morph!

The weeping memories begin to make you smile!

The light of outside begins to creep in through that chrysalis

as it thins in preparation for new life.

At first, you close your eyes hard,

cover them with your fists against the light.

But little by little,

your fingers begin to spread

and you begin to peek through them at the light.

You start to wonder what might be out there.

 

You look back at the hard cocoon

and realize it was painful!

You look around you and discover

the love of your life, your mother, your child

is still gone.

You haven't preserved them at all!

 

You begin to feel uncomfortable and cramped.

You try to shift, 

to make your place of safety feel better.

But you can't.

You notice that the cocoon is getting thinner

and you fully open your eyes and look out.

You consider trying to come up with a way

to add another layer,

block out the light once again 

but only closing your eyes tightly,

covering them with your fists will do it

from inside.

And your eyeballs begin to hurt from the pressure!

 

You try to shift once again.

You can't.

So you poke at the chrysalis with one small finger,

just a little poke,

and it flexes just a bit.

You poke again.

And again.

And again.

And suddenly it gives

and a tiny little hole appears.

The light is much brighter now

and you find yourself straining toward it.

You look back to be sure -

is your companion, grief,

following you?

It is.

Is your loved one's memory still there?

It is! It is!

Is your love for them still intact?

It is! It is! It is!

 

So you strain just a bit more.

And the hole widens!

You feel warmth!

You hear life out there!

You stop looking to see if grief is following you.

You stop checking to see if your loved one's memory is still as close.

You only know MUST get out or die!

 

You wiggle!

You squirm!

You push!

You pull back,

gather steam,

push again!

And finally you break through!!!

You look around you at the vivid colors!

You inhale deeply of the sweet scents!

You tilt your ear toward the sound of music!

And slowly, a smile begins to form!

But midway through, it abruptly stops.

You drop your head in remembrance of the beloved left behind.

 

Suddenly, movement from the corner of your eye!

You glance.

Shocked, you look fully and gape 

in awe and wonder at what you see!

There he is!

The one you thought you selfishly left behind 

so you could be in the light. 

There he is!

More vibrant, 

more vivid, 

more alive in your memory

than he ever was in the cocoon of grief!

Because, you see,

 

LOVE ISN'T ABOUT GRIEF AND PAIN AND LOSS!!!

IT IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP AND MEMORIES!!!

IT IS ABOUT THE THINGS YOU DID TOGETHER

AND THE THINGS YOU WILL DO IN HIS PLACE!!!

GRIEF IS THE PRICE OF LOVE

BUT IT IS NOT A LIFETIME SENTENCE!!!

 

Yes, you can choose to stay in your cocoon as my acquaintance has

but that takes even more work than breaking out!

Do not choose to make a life of grief!

Grieve, most certainly! 

You must! 

You cannot avoid it!

To do so means leaving your cocoon too soon

with devastating consequences!

But to stay permanently is sure death of your innermost being!

 

There is life after grief!

There will always be those moments

when the cocoon will try to wrap you once again.

But they are moments,

not a life!

You will NOT forget!!!

You will NOT stop loving - ever!!!

But there is life after grief!

 

Please! Please! Please!

Make the most of the time God has given you,

the LIFE God has given you!

Honor Him,

honor your loved one!

There IS a "happily ever after"

in a format unique to each of us!!!

Let God give it to you!!!

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven...

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

 

                                              ~~ Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 ~~