I am beauty from ashes!

 I am beauty from ashes!!!

Me!

Beauty from ashes!

How amazing is that!?!

This blog has been a while in the writing.

Sometimes my posts just flow.

Sometimes I can't get my thoughts,

the feeling I am trying to convey, on paper,

yet, I feel the need to do so.

After much prayer and re-writing,

here it is.

 

Most of the time,

we make things difficult all by ourselves.

Have you ever noticed that?

Oh, we like to say so-and-so or such-and-such made it hard

but if we shine light within,

invite the Holy Spirit to reveal what He sees to us,

we mostly find that we bear the majority responsibility

for the difficulty of our circumstances,

the tender soreness of our emotions. 

I have always struggled with feeling 

        unworthy,

                less-than,

                        unlovable.

This struggle colors most of my relationships,

outlining them in a muddy gray.

 

There are many, many joys and benefits

in remarriage after widowhood.

I highly recommend it once the Lord has told you you are ready

and brings you to "the one" He has prepared for you!

But there are some things in widowed remarriage,

especially to another widowed individual,

that can be challenging.

Since this blog has mostly evolved into the joys and challenges of

remarriage from widowhood,

and, based on comments, 

some of you are learning the realities of remarriage as you consider it

or realizing you are not alone in your experiences if you have taken the plunge,

I feel compelled to share this deeply personal,

and, for me, one of the more meddlesome aspects. 

Sometimes a song will play,

or we are watching an emotional movie scene -

especially one about deep love, loss, sorrow -

or a picture of some special place comes up,

        my Lanny Love's face goes soft,

                his eyes get that far away look,

                        sometimes fill with tears...

I know he is remembering, loving, longing.

And I know it's not me he's thinking of.

I know this because I do it too.

And I completely understand it!

Most of the time, we cry together,

hold and comfort one another in our mutual grief.

But for a woman who struggles with feeling,

not second, but second best,

(I do this all on my own!

My Lanny Love never, ever 

indicates that I am "less than"!)

sometimes seeing that play out is difficult.

 

A while back I was lamenting to our Lord in prayer about this.

I told Him He had given me 

such a great and marvelous gift in my Lanny Love

and I felt like I diminished it by my feelings of inferiority, insecurity.

He led me to this Scripture.

"...He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion --

to give them a headdress instead of ashes,

[beauty from ashes]

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord,

that He may be glorified."

 

                            ~~ Isaiah 61:2-3 ESV ~~

My immediate response was,

"Thank You, Daddy God, for my Lanny Love!

In him, You have given me beauty from the ashes of my brokenheartedness,

comfort from the greatest sorrow I have ever known!

Thank You!"

And He replied!

And I was shocked!

Yes, my child, my precious, broken child,

yes, I have given you Lanny.

Lanny, 

the beauty grown in the midst of the ashes of your destroying fire.

And I have given the same to him in you!

You are my gift to him!

You

are the beauty springing up in the midst of the ashes of his destroying fire!

 

This is the note I wrote in the margin of my Bible that morning:

"I am "beauty from ashes"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am "comfort"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am the "oil of gladness"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am the "garment of praise"!

Thank You, Lord!

I am the "planting of the Lord"! 

Thank You, Lord!

I am second to be sure,

but I am not second best!"

 

 How amazing is that!!!