Successful remarriage takes thoughtful learning...

Words are my primary love language.

I suppose that's not surprising.

I am, after all, a writer.

I write, write, write.

    I write notes to others.

        I journal.

            I write stories.

                I blog.

I write.

Words mean something to me.

They mean a lot to me.

Received words are nurturing, life-giving for my soul.

And I remember them clearly, feel them deeply.

Forever.

 

The natural companion to words as my love language,

is that they are what hurts me most.

Unkind, harshly critical, insulting, hating words

cut me deeply and leave painful scars.

Because I remember them.

Even when I try to forget.

For decades. 

I pray not forever, that there are some I have forgotten.

But I remember them and feel them for a long time.

It can be a problem when it comes to forgiveness.

And certainly can be a problem to my self-esteem.

My Al and I were different with similarities.

We never did the love language test,

nonetheless, we learned to accommodate each other's needs 

even though it didn't come naturally -

until it did.

 

It is no different in remarriage. 

My Lanny Love and I have never "tested" together

but I believe our love languages are similar in order and intensity

with minor differences.

Still, we have had to learn to accommodate and love on one another

because we both spent in the neighborhood of 40 years

loving on someone else using their love language

and meeting new needs means relearning a new "auto-pilot".

 

In life, our needs are not always met.

That is a fact.

Sometimes there are words I long to hear

but don't and likely never will.

Other times I am delightfully, joyously surprised

by unexpected words.

That happened recently.

My Lanny Love spoke precious words I did not expect to ever hear.

Words I had given but never received,

all the more precious by their spontaneous and uninvited delivery

for I knew they were genuine. 

I am still basking in their glow and will, I'm certain,

for the remainder of my life.

There are so many joys in remarriage!

And there are so many difficulties.

It is no different than one time marriages.

We must work and learn and give and give and give.

 

I recently read a novel about remarriage from widowhood, 

I mentioned this book in a previous post,

and a quote that has stuck with me is

"Love is not about what you get from the other person,

it is about what you can give to them." ~~ The Hope Series by Staci Stallings

I believe that with all my heart 

and have done my best to live it in my remarriage.

My Lanny Love has loved me deeply and well!

But this great gift,

the words recently spoken from his heart...

well, can I just say that it is wonderful to receive great love as well! 

I know, you thought I was done...

To go along with learning one another's love language

is learning one another's grief language.

My Lanny Love and I are very similar personalities,

but in the handling of our grief over our lost loves,

we are different.

That makes it challenging sometimes to know what to do or say.

 

November is one of those months.

There are several significant days for me

and both my Al and Lanny's Judy have birthdays this month.

I become thoughtful and subdued - 

and talk more about my Al beginning a few days before.

Unless there is a compelling reason preventing it,

I visit the cemetery.

He is quiet and overly cheerful and very busy.

Sometimes I'm not sure the day hasn't passed by unnoticed -

except I always mention it.

That's because I want him to know

I understand and expect that he is thinking of her, 

that if he wants to talk about her or celebrate her,

I'm good with that!

Judy's birthday was yesterday.

And I didn't know what to do with it.

So I did what I normally do,

I wrote a note saying that 

I was praying him and the kids through the day

and left it on his Bible where I knew he would see it upon waking.

Then I let him take the lead on

going through the door I opened.

 

So why the two stories?

Because loving isn't all hearts and roses and chocolates.

Sometimes it's hard and ugly.

Sometimes it's saying or hearing precious, cherished words.

Sometimes it's grieving with someone in an unfamiliar,

even uncomfortable way. 

Sometimes it's a warm embrace and tender kiss.

Sometimes it's a box of tissue and ugly, snotty crying

over a lost love - and knowing you can't "fix" it.

 

You won't always get it right,

but you'll learn from the times you get it wrong.

And always, always, always,

it is worth the effort to learn how to love well

and in the manner that speaks love to your beloved!

 

 

 

Above all, love each other deeply, 

because love covers over a multitude of sins.

                                        ~~ 1 Peter 4:8 ~~

 

And over all these virtues put on love, 

which binds them all together in perfect unity.

                                        ~~ Colossians 3:14 ~~

I had a great idea...

...something I really wanted, needed to say.

It came to me yesterday while we were out hiking.

Last night when we got back "home" -

Did I mention we are on vacation this week?

we snuggled together to watch a movie.

This morning, I can't remember what it was!

 

Ideas swirl in my head.

All.

    The.

        Time.

My brain is never quiet.

I have learned to quickly jot a note

so ideas don't get lost in the melee that is my brain.

I suppose aging may be a factor at this point,

but I have always been like this.

There's just too much going on up there.

I have to purposely quiet my brain to find rest.

 

Have I ever mentioned my Lanny Love is a saint?

This morning, for example,

I was up earlier than he -

a normal occurrance.

I had been awake for about 2 hours,

watched the sun rise,

had my time with The Lord,

calmed the zinging in my brain a bit.

But my body wasn't cooperating,

so in our little apartment home for the week,

I was pacing while he had his time with The Lord. 

I try not to talk during his reading and prayer.

I know it interrupts me when people do that.

But this morning my body just would NOT cooperate!

 

So here I am,

trying to remember what I so wanted to tell you

about remarriage in widowhood yesterday.

But it's gone.

However, there is always something to share!

 

Tuesday, we took a scenic ride on a restored 1880's

steam engine pulled train.

Fantastic! 

 

 

 

We laughed and ate and talked 

and were awe-struck at God's creation.

On the way home, we saw a falling star.

It was right smack in front of us as we drove down the road.

Right in the middle of the windshield.

As if God were saying,

"Hey look! I don't want you to miss this!!!"

And my very first thought was,

I don't have a single thing to wish for!

I have everything I could possibly want right here in this car!!!

 

In my first marriage,

I wasn't always so grateful.

That makes me so incredibly sad!

I wanted...

     I was irritated by...

        I rolled my eyes literally and figuratively. 

            A lot.

 

Recently, I finished a novel series.

It is about a traumatically widowed woman

who falls in love.

It's a good - and difficult - read.

But the gentleman, who is not widowed,

is frustrated and doesn't understand

the continued trauma and loss his beloved experiences.

In a conversation with his pastor, 

he is questioning why she isn't "over it"

and the pastor's response is epic.

After talking a bit about why she still loves and grieves her late husband,

he addresses the gentleman's own "love" for the woman.

"Love is not about what you get from the other person,

it is about what you can give to them."

A good read,

especially if you or someone you know struggles with

understanding why we still love and grieve.

The Hope Series

by Staci Stallings

This series available on Amazon 

 

Can I tell you that there are silver linings in grief!

One of them is not having anything to wish for

because everything you want is right next to you!

I commented to a friend the other day that

loss and loneliness are powerful teachers!

 

How blessed I am to still be delightfully enchanted

with my Lanny Love

and he with me!

 

 

 

A new grief

I have been here before.

A little more than 13 years ago

I said "see you later" to my father-in-love.

Recently I said it again

to the father I gained with my Lanny Love.

Thirteen years ago,

I stood at his bedside in awe

as I watched that man of God

cross that great divide.

This time, that was not possible.

Dad was special!

Unapologetically godly,

he pursued his Saviour and served Him ardently.

Because of that, he loved like his Saviour!

That meant he loved me!

He was the first.

I had met other members of Lanny's family

and I met others after,

but more than any of the others,

he embraced, accepted and loved me.

Immediately.

Without demanding I prove myself.

Not just loved me,

loved me like a daughter!

Loved me with the love of God!

I became his daughter 

before I became his daughter-in-law.

He would have been 96 today.

He was a great man!

And I can't wait to see him again!

 

 

 

 

 

I don't need a Keurig anymore...

 

Nearly ten years ago,

in the very early days of my widowhood,

a couple things happened 

that became symbolically tied together for me.

 

First, I decided I didn't need a coffee pot.

If I made a pot of coffee,

I drank a pot of coffee.

No one person needs an entire pot of coffee.

Okay, I might still drink a pot of coffee...

So I purchased a Keurig.

 

Second,in the fourth month of my widowhood,

I flew to see my grandmother.

On the flight, a couple, about the age I was then,

took the seats next to me.

She was wearing a skirt that might have been too short

for a woman her age.

But he didn't mind.

He put his hand on her leg,

and they cuddled and whispered to one another the entire flight.

I was so jealous, 

                            so heartbroken,

                                                        so lonely.

I turned my face to the window and cried the entire flight.  

 

Why are they tied?

I suppose because they were tangible evidence

that I had become a widow,

that I was half a person 

living in a VERY unfamiliar and unpleasant world.

They were not the only tangible evidence,

there were a LOT of things,

but these two things became tied together for me.

 

Interestingly, about nine years ago,

shortly after his widowhood began,

my Lanny Love received a Keurig as a gift from his daughter.

Because an entire pot was too much

for a single man. 

 

This is one of my favorite pictures of my Lanny Love and me.

It was snapped on a flight we took last year.

It is one of my favorite intimacies,

his hand on my leg.

I very often wear a skirt,

a bit too short for a woman of my age,

so that he can rest his hand on my leg. 

Especially when we travel.

Most especially when we fly!

And when he does,

I always think of that flight all those years ago.

And in His perfect timing,

after carrying us both lovingly and tenderly through the dark "valley of the shadow",

almost seven years ago,

my Lanny Love and our Keurigs got married

and we bought a new coffee pot!

Because a full pot was not too much for two!

 

Over the years, we have occasionally used the Keurigs,

mostly when we have decaf guests,

but occasionally one of us will want just one more cup.

But really, we used them very little.

Then six months ago, his died.

Last week, mine did.

I started looking for another one.

Then it hit me!

I don't need a Keurig anymore!

It is now only a convenience for our guests,

not a necessity to keep my coffee consumption reasonable!

Remarriage is a curiosity to me!

 

In the beginning, I truly believed it would "fix" my ongoing grief

over the loss of my beloved husband of 37 years.

It didn't.

 

It was confusing to still love my Al while loving my Lanny Love.

 

It was confusing to be passionately loved while he still loved his Judy.

 

It was sometimes hard to know how to "be" what he wanted, needed

because he and Al were so different.

And so the same.

 

It was confusing to love the things he did to please and love me

while missing the things my Al did that he didn't -

because his Judy and I are so different and she trained him.

And we're so the same.

 

It was confusing to love his Judy as I came to know her through him,

to want to know more about her,

hear his memories of her -

and to be jealous of her at the same time. 

 

It was confusing - and still is -

to be kept at arms length by members of both our families,

while being wholly and lovingly embraced by others.

 

It was/is confusing to have my feelings of loss and sorrow

minimized by other widows who have not yet found their second great love -

or can't imagine even wanting to -

even though, in retrospect, I see that I did the same thing before my Lanny Love.

 

Sometimes it's still confusing!

 

Don't doubt it,

there are unique challenges to remarriage from widowhood!

Just as there are in any other marriage!!! 

But the joys!!!

The joys so far outweigh the challenges!!!

The loving!

    The serving!

        The conversations!

            The companionship!

                The shared experiences!

                    The memory making!

                         The bucket list quests!

                            The shared tears!

                                The shared faith!

                                    The shared accomplishments!

                                        The shared joys!

The list goes on and on and on!!!

 

And I don't need a Keurig anymore... 

Be humble under God’s powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes.

Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you... 

...And after you suffer for a short time, God, 

who gives all grace, 

will make everything right. 

He will make you strong and support you and keep you from falling.

                        ~~ 1 Peter 5:7, 10

It's okay for our hearts to hurt...

We went to a funeral today.

It was a hard day to do that.

Today my Lanny Love

enters his tenth year as a widower.

Today marks nine years

since his beautiful Judy went Home.

But the funeral sermon was helpful.

The minister, Dr. G. A. Roach,

himself a widower and having lost an adult son,

spoke of the "home" we have in Heaven.

In our conversation after the service,

he expounded that here we live in a tent.

A fabric tent that eventually rots and blows away.

In Heaven, we inherit a mansion,

built to last for all eternity!

But perhaps the most profound thing he said -

at least for me -

is this:

We do not grieve for our deceased loved one who has gone Home.

We grieve for ourselves at the loss of their physical presence.

 

(When I asked his permission to use this,

he said he did not wish to be credited

since the idea came from Jesus.

So this is from Jesus

via His servant Dr. G. A. Roach.)

 

He said grief is not wrong.

We live in the "Hope" of eternity -

that sure knowledge that we will see our loved one again -

but in our "still here" state,

it is normal and healthy to grieve.

The Bible does indeed say we will not grieve as those with no hope

(the unsaved)

but rather that we will grieve,

while moving forward with Hope.

He encouraged the family and friends

to grieve as they grieve -

for we each grieve differently -

for as long as it takes.

 

It was a good day to be reminded

that it's okay for our hearts to hurt.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Brothers, we do not want you to be uninformed 

about those who sleep in death,

so that you will not grieve like the rest,

[notice there is no period after "grieve"] 

who are without hope.

For since we believe that Jesus died and ro
se again,

we also believe that God will bring with Jesus 

those who have fallen asleep in Him.

 

By the word of the Lord, 

we declare to you that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord  

will by no means precede those who have fallen asleep.  

For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a loud command, 

with the voice of an archangel, 

and with the trumpet of God, 

and the dead in Christ will be the first to rise.

After that, we who are alive and remain 

will be caught up together with them in the clouds 

to meet the Lord in the air. 

And so we will always be with the Lord. 

 

I Thessalonians 4:13-17

 

Dreams

I dreamed of my Al last night.

And the night before.

In this tenth year of widowhood

I have dreamed of him more often

than in all the previous years combined.

As I approach 

the tenth anniversary of his death,

that seems to be increasing.

 

I have had the Dolly Parton song,

"Here You Come Again"

stuck in my mind the last several days.

 

Here you come again

just when I'm about to get myself together.

You walk right through the door

just like you've done before

and wrap my heart around your little finger.

 

It makes sense.

 

More and more I realize

that Al will never be my past alone.

He will always also be my present.

He will not be my future

except in my thoughts.

My Lanny Love is my future.

And my present.

And, now, also my past.

 

In this tenth year of widowhood,

this seventh of remarriage,

the two of them, my loves,

co-mingle more and more.

Both my past.

Both my present, though differently.

Only in the future is there no co-mingling.

But one day it is more likely than not

that the co-mingling will be complete

as my Lanny Love joins my Al as a memory alone

where they will both live eternally in Heaven

but on earth only in my mind and heart.

 

Perhaps that will be less emotionally confusing

than these days of loving two men

one physically present and in my mind and heart,

the other only present in my mind and heart.

But it will be far more emotionally painful!

 

I live in happiness and contentment

with my Lanny Love,

adoring, pampering, making him the center of my life

behind only God.

But in this tenth year,

the longing has returned

and I dream...

Expectations of Widowhood

Widowhood is the hardest thing

most men and women will ever do!!!

And I think the length of the marriage

really  doesn't matter.

There are so many "firsts" and secondary losses

it is impossible to list them all and, frankly,

I am still discovering them after nearly 10 years!

 

If you have been married a short time,

there is so much shock because death is out of order;

there is so much dreamed of future lost;

there may be young children to raise alone

and help through grief while navigating your own.

 

If you have been married for many years,

there is so much shared past and knowledge;

there are the habits and comfort of decades of oneness

that are changed in an instant;

there are the grandchildren who may not remember

or ever know their grandpa or grandpa;

there are the retirement dreams left dangling, unfulfilled.

 

In any length of marriage,

the widowed may have to go back to work 

or get a second job to replace the lost income.

(Very often long before they are ready,

while still in the midst of deep, 

mind numbing, 

widow/er fog causing, 

incapacitating grief!)

He or she will have to find help to do or take on

the tasks their spouse always did.

They will discover they are not the same person any longer

because when two become one and one half dies,

it is akin to having your literal body sliced in half

and being asked to function normally.

He or she will likely discover that many of the things

"they" enjoyed, he or she no longer does,

either because it isn't enjoyable without their spouse

or because they discover they really only enjoyed it because he or she did.

They will find that couple friends fall rather quickly away

because they are no longer part of a couple and it is painful to them

and awkward for everyone to be together.

They may find that friends find their grief 

overwhelming and frightening

and stop coming by or...

...and we finally come to the point of this post...

they begin to apply pressure to...

...whatever encompasses that friend's idea of what grief looks like

and how it should be handled.

Widowhood is confusing!

Widowhood is hard!!!

And widowhood is permanent -

even if the widowed remarries because 

they will always be the widowed of their late spouse -

and, oh my, the opinions and pressures

that are spoken around that subject!!!

 

I have two dear friends, fellow widows,

one who is a published author, Rachel A. Moore,

recently and joyously remarried,

and one who should be published but isn't and wishes to remain anonymous,

and, at the moment, is single and pleased to remain that way

unless God specifically directs otherwise.

Recently they each wrote similar but different perspectives

on the pressures they encounter/ed regarding remarriage.

I thought they were both too good not to share!

So with their permission, here they are:

by Rachel (Moore) Chatham

Greg and I have been married for almost 5 months now and I would like to share something that has hit me profoundly. 

 

After ten years of being alone, Greg and I both shared with each other that we would be so grateful for one another during our marriage, and this has proven to be true. Yet over the weekend I discovered a deeper truth.

 

I was lying in his arms and I felt a depth of love, honor, and respect for him that I never felt for my late husband. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I began to realize something profound and amazing. 

 

When Gary died my world was shattered. There were far too many pieces to ever be put together. Too much suffering for the pain to ever fully heal. I was completely broken and ripped apart.

Eventually, I knew that I would love deeply despite the pain. I knew that my heart was large enough to love again. I had hope that the broken pieces would be put back together and my life would be a do over and I would love with the same capacity as I did the first time.

But now I see that I love more deeply because of the pain and....along side of the pain.

The pain of loss hasn't disappeared. The pieces of my heart are only taped back together but the rips and tears are still very visible and real. 

 

I now realize that the depth of the hole of death did not heal but instead was created to be filled.

There's so much more to who I am than who I was. For so long I thought the change in me was because of the books I read and knowledge of marriage that I had studied.

But now I see that the suffering itself has enlarged my heart. The pain has given me overwhelming respect for Greg. The agony has given me the delight of honor for Greg. The searing loss has given me the capacity to love Greg beyond any measure that I ever experienced with Gary. 

 

And this isn't because Gary was insufficient for me but because my heart has more capacity to feel love, to feel honor, and to give, than it had before the depth of loss.

 

I now see the pain as a gift. the pain has given me something that I never could have had without it. And...the loss has given Greg something that he could have never received from me without the pain that I have gone through.

 

Beautifully broken, not only to walk in humility but to walk in the depths of love, honor and respect that I never imagined possible.

 

 

 by Anonymous

 

So what if the phrase “moving on with your life” doesn’t mean what we think it means? What if it’s just living life? I think we widows have preconceived ideas of what moving on is supposed to mean. I think for many of us it means we’re supposed to remarry and find out “happily ever after” (which by the way, that phrase is completely false). But what if it’s not supposed to mean that? Those who have been divorced and widowed are often told by “well-meaning” people that we need to “just get on with our lives’. They never tell you what that’s supposed to look like!!! What if it’s just supposed to mean that we go on and live life. Can’t that be enough? Can’t we just be content with the status quo? Where is this written rule that we have to “have a partner” and find someone else? Do you realize how difficult that is?? Nobody will ever compare to the loves we once had, nor should they. A new mate brings with them their own baggage and experiences in life, some of which may not mesh with our new life. We all have our own things at this age so why do we have to settle just because the world thinks we have to be married? It’s simply not worth settling. I think we just need to learn to be content. Notice I didn’t say happy because nobody is happy all the time. There’s a peace in contentment. Our surroundings may not be peaceful, but that’s just the surface junk. The deeper stuff in our heart is what counts. So, I guess here’s my takeaway from this revelation as I was crafting this morning – just be content. We don’t have to be a couple in order for us to be whole. We don’t have to have a mate in order to count in this world. Don’t force a relationship just because you think people expect it from you or you’re guilted into it. Don’t settle or compromise your beliefs or standards just to “be with someone”. Again, it’s just not worth it. Just be content being you and if you're supposed to be a couple with someone, God can make that happen. It's all up to Him anyway. Again, just my thoughts.

 

 

I identify deeply with both these women's posts!!!

I am in the same position, a few years down the road, as Rachel.

I was in the same position as anonymous.

You cannot imagine the pressures that surround remarriage in widowhood!

And they continue regardless of how God chooses to move you down the road!

 

"Thank goodness you're finally over the grief!"

"You have to move on! He'd want you to remarry!"

"You must not have loved him if you want to/have chosen to remarry!"

"Well, now that you're widowed and don't have anyone stopping you, you can..."

And many, many more!

 

We are faced with anger, disrespect, disbelief, disagreement either way we go.

Even from fellow widows who have chosen a different way.

 

Widowhood is hard!!!

The expectations of others can make it harder!

 

So, what's the take away here?

 

For the widowed

listen to God, let Him guide!

    Remember, they mean well.

    ("After Job had prayed for his friends, 

    the LORD restored his fortunes 

    and gave him twice as much as he had before." 

                                                                        Job 42:10)

        And, please, please, please,

        we depend upon each other,

        we understand things those who haven't been here can't,

        we need one another's grace, love, ear!

            Please, don't harshly judge another widow for her actions and choices!

            Even if they are poor ones!

 

For everyone

listen, don't advise unless asked!

    Pray for them, 

        love them, 

            support them, 

                listen to them, 

                    sit with them, 

                        hold them, 

                            befriend them, 

                                don't abandon and avoid them! 

                                     ("Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31)