Dreams

I dreamed of my Al last night.

And the night before.

In this tenth year of widowhood

I have dreamed of him more often

than in all the previous years combined.

As I approach 

the tenth anniversary of his death,

that seems to be increasing.

 

I have had the Dolly Parton song,

"Here You Come Again"

stuck in my mind the last several days.

 

Here you come again

just when I'm about to get myself together.

You walk right through the door

just like you've done before

and wrap my heart around your little finger.

 

It makes sense.

 

More and more I realize

that Al will never be my past alone.

He will always also be my present.

He will not be my future

except in my thoughts.

My Lanny Love is my future.

And my present.

And, now, also my past.

 

In this tenth year of widowhood,

this seventh of remarriage,

the two of them, my loves,

co-mingle more and more.

Both my past.

Both my present, though differently.

Only in the future is there no co-mingling.

But one day it is more likely than not

that the co-mingling will be complete

as my Lanny Love joins my Al as a memory alone

where they will both live eternally in Heaven

but on earth only in my mind and heart.

 

Perhaps that will be less emotionally confusing

than these days of loving two men

one physically present and in my mind and heart,

the other only present in my mind and heart.

But it will be far more emotionally painful!

 

I live in happiness and contentment

with my Lanny Love,

adoring, pampering, making him the center of my life

behind only God.

But in this tenth year,

the longing has returned

and I dream...