I don't need a Keurig anymore...

 

Nearly ten years ago,

in the very early days of my widowhood,

a couple things happened 

that became symbolically tied together for me.

 

First, I decided I didn't need a coffee pot.

If I made a pot of coffee,

I drank a pot of coffee.

No one person needs an entire pot of coffee.

Okay, I might still drink a pot of coffee...

So I purchased a Keurig.

 

Second,in the fourth month of my widowhood,

I flew to see my grandmother.

On the flight, a couple, about the age I was then,

took the seats next to me.

She was wearing a skirt that might have been too short

for a woman her age.

But he didn't mind.

He put his hand on her leg,

and they cuddled and whispered to one another the entire flight.

I was so jealous, 

                            so heartbroken,

                                                        so lonely.

I turned my face to the window and cried the entire flight.  

 

Why are they tied?

I suppose because they were tangible evidence

that I had become a widow,

that I was half a person 

living in a VERY unfamiliar and unpleasant world.

They were not the only tangible evidence,

there were a LOT of things,

but these two things became tied together for me.

 

Interestingly, about nine years ago,

shortly after his widowhood began,

my Lanny Love received a Keurig as a gift from his daughter.

Because an entire pot was too much

for a single man. 

 

This is one of my favorite pictures of my Lanny Love and me.

It was snapped on a flight we took last year.

It is one of my favorite intimacies,

his hand on my leg.

I very often wear a skirt,

a bit too short for a woman of my age,

so that he can rest his hand on my leg. 

Especially when we travel.

Most especially when we fly!

And when he does,

I always think of that flight all those years ago.

And in His perfect timing,

after carrying us both lovingly and tenderly through the dark "valley of the shadow",

almost seven years ago,

my Lanny Love and our Keurigs got married

and we bought a new coffee pot!

Because a full pot was not too much for two!

 

Over the years, we have occasionally used the Keurigs,

mostly when we have decaf guests,

but occasionally one of us will want just one more cup.

But really, we used them very little.

Then six months ago, his died.

Last week, mine did.

I started looking for another one.

Then it hit me!

I don't need a Keurig anymore!

It is now only a convenience for our guests,

not a necessity to keep my coffee consumption reasonable!

Remarriage is a curiosity to me!

 

In the beginning, I truly believed it would "fix" my ongoing grief

over the loss of my beloved husband of 37 years.

It didn't.

 

It was confusing to still love my Al while loving my Lanny Love.

 

It was confusing to be passionately loved while he still loved his Judy.

 

It was sometimes hard to know how to "be" what he wanted, needed

because he and Al were so different.

And so the same.

 

It was confusing to love the things he did to please and love me

while missing the things my Al did that he didn't -

because his Judy and I are so different and she trained him.

And we're so the same.

 

It was confusing to love his Judy as I came to know her through him,

to want to know more about her,

hear his memories of her -

and to be jealous of her at the same time. 

 

It was confusing - and still is -

to be kept at arms length by members of both our families,

while being wholly and lovingly embraced by others.

 

It was/is confusing to have my feelings of loss and sorrow

minimized by other widows who have not yet found their second great love -

or can't imagine even wanting to -

even though, in retrospect, I see that I did the same thing before my Lanny Love.

 

Sometimes it's still confusing!

 

Don't doubt it,

there are unique challenges to remarriage from widowhood!

Just as there are in any other marriage!!! 

But the joys!!!

The joys so far outweigh the challenges!!!

The loving!

    The serving!

        The conversations!

            The companionship!

                The shared experiences!

                    The memory making!

                         The bucket list quests!

                            The shared tears!

                                The shared faith!

                                    The shared accomplishments!

                                        The shared joys!

The list goes on and on and on!!!

 

And I don't need a Keurig anymore... 

Be humble under God’s powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes.

Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you... 

...And after you suffer for a short time, God, 

who gives all grace, 

will make everything right. 

He will make you strong and support you and keep you from falling.

                        ~~ 1 Peter 5:7, 10