Nine years.....

Nine years.

Nine full years.

Nine infinitely long years.

Nine of the fastest years of my life.

Nine years since my Al went Home.

 

As I complete this ninth year as Al’s widow,

I can’t help but think of how different it was from the eight before it –

and how different it is from those to come.

Each is different.

Each is the same.

 

My grief has settled into its lifetime state I think.

Most of my days are filled with laughter and joy.

They are filled with what has become normal.

A different normal,

no longer new normal,

simply normal.

 

In the beginning, there was only

anguish,

confusion,

loneliness,

loss,

poor choices,

forgetfulness,

grief…

Then came the quiet stillness, just me and God…

Then fearful obedience to His guidance…

A few pigs, a few frogs, a couple friends, then my Lanny Love.

 

As I look back, I marvel!

At God and His handiwork!

No doubt, those of you who have walked with me marvel as well!

 

But I am still my Al’s widow.

And today is still hard.

I still miss him.

I still love him.

This fact does not negate what I have.

And what I have does not negate this fact.

 

I have learned some things in this journey.

I have been refined.

It has been the hard way!!!

But it has been God’s way!

 

Some of the things I have learned about widowed grief:

 

❤The “firsts” don’t end with the first year.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild took a February bride.

It is hard to think that he did not even know

our precious new granddaughter.

He would have loved her!

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

we found out our first great-grandchild would arrive this coming April

that he would be a boy.

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild realized a lifelong dream,

graduating from the Police Academy

and becoming a first responder hero.

I can see him in my mind,

beaming with pride!

My Al was not here to celebrate this great dream realization with him –

or with me.

 

Each year has had a first.

I imagine each coming year will as well -

I know that, in 2 ½ months,

there will be a “first” in this tenth year when

he will not be here to hold sweet baby Grayson

in his giant arms.

He adored his grandchildren!

Now I – and they - can only imagine how excited he would be.

He will not be here to celebrate with them,

                                or with me.

Each "first" squeezes my heart with longing.

Sometimes it is painful.

 

❤I have learned you can’t prepare.

 

I foolishly thought I could prepare for hard days.

But sometimes the ones I think will be hard aren’t

and sometimes the ones I don’t see coming

knock me on my face.

 

❤I have learned that January will probably always be hard

along with his birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Days.

But January 28^th might not be.

Or it might be excruciating.

And I can’t know which way it will go until I get there.

So might any given Tuesday.

           For no reason at all.

 

I have learned so many things through widowhood -

it would take a book to list them all!

Some of them are hard, sad things.

Things I would never have guessed.

Some thrill me to no end.

 

But the greatest thing I have learned through widowhood is this:

 

God is faithful!

God is loving!

God is kind!

God knows what is best for me!

God knows what He is doing!

 

Given His knowledge and foresight

would I have allowed my life to play out as it has?

No, very likely, a resounding no!

I would have avoided the pain - all the pain!

Given my own hindsight

am I glad He is in control

and has guided my life as He has?

Without doubt!

It is good we don’t know what is coming for the most part

not just because we couldn't bear to know of the coming pain,

but because if we changed it,

while we would miss the pain,

            we would also miss the refinement,

                        the growth,

                                    and a lot of the joys

that result from the pain as well -

if we let God work.

 

Today, I miss my Al deeply.

I long to see him,

talk with him,

hold his hand,

kiss his face,

hear him sing,

        see his pride in the great young men

                                                      our grandsons have become,

see him adoring our granddaughter,

loving our new granddaughter,

            loving me…

 

Today, I long to pick up his tea bag off the counter

and put it in the trash,

would give anything to be annoyed by…

…whatever indiscretion that foolishly bothered me back then.

 

Today, I wish it had not taken death to realize

the folly of my annoyance.

 

                  Today, I will remember…

                                                              so much…..

 

And today, I will give myself grace,

I will allow the longing and sorrow that means

I have been blessed with a great, unending love

for the man who was my husband for 37 years.

I will sit at his gravesite

and talk with him,

likely shed some tears.

And I will not feel guilty.

Because I have learned

that there is no guilt in true love!

 

As I walk into this tenth year,

I anticipate it will be different.

Because each one is.

There will be some hard days.

Because there always are.

And there will be an abundance of happy days.

Because in the last several,

there always have been.

 

I will continue to learn about widowhood

and grief

and life.

I will continue to learn about

the sovereignty of God.

 

Praise Him forever and forever!

 

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows

~~ Isaiah 53:4 ~~

 

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you,

I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~~Isaiah 41:10 ~~

 

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.

~~ Zephaniah 3:17 ~~

 

He will swallow up death forever,

and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.

~~ Isaiah 25:8 ~~

 

 

So much on my mind...

Wow!

 

I have had so much on my mind lately!

And because my mind works like a pin ball machine

I have had trouble getting it all down!

But there are several blogs in the works

that just need a little tweaking

so, after this long dry spell,

expect a flurry of posts soon.

 

Meanwhile, our little Love Nest has been hectic!

We purchased and remodeled a new home,

sold our first "our" home,

and moved in the last several weeks.

Thanksgiving, anniversary, birthdays, Christmas, more birthdays, New Year's -

Oy vey!

 

Anyway, my thoughts are never far from you, my readers,

nor the blogs that burn within me to be written. 

As this new year begins

and as I adjust to all the changes in my life -

have I mentioned I don't do change very well any more? -

and as I process this difficult month,

my mind has turned again to the grief journey.

 

Grief is so complicated!

Confusing!

Rollercoaster-y!

 

Unfortunately, Christians, are often hard on the grief-stricken.

We take 1 Thessalonians 4:13 and use it to beat ourselves and each other!

 

And now, dear brothers and sisters, 

we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died

so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.

We take that last line and shorten it to

"so you will not grieve."

Period.

And then when we or our brothers and sisters in Christ

lose someone dear to us and grieve...

we beat each other up with this Scripture.

I have beat myself up a lot, especially this last year!

How tragic!

 

Recently, as my Lanny Love and I were talking

about a family we know who, it appears, are about to lose a child.

I commented that I was unsure if they were as strong as they seem

or if, because they are Christians,

they feel obligated to present that way in public.

As so many Christians do.

We have to finish that verse and take in the surrounding verses with it!

 

You see, we don't grieve as those without Christ grieve,

those who have no hope of eternity,

of seeing their loved ones in Heaven.

We do grieve differently because we do know that

one eternal day we will see them again.

So spiritually we do not grieve as the world grieves

and that gives us a solid foundation

and a help beyond that available in the world,

even the Christian world,

through supportive family, friends, counseling, etc.

But emotionally, we grieve the same as everyone else - 

I will dare to say it -

perhaps even more deeply

because we strive to love with the love of Christ

and there is no greater love than that!

 

We allow ourselves and others

to miss someone who lives far away,

has come to visit,

and returned home. 

They are gone from us

and we miss them.

Our hearts ache and long to be with them again.

We remember the love and the activities and the companionship

and we know that it will be a long while until we can hold them close

and our hearts hurt.

We are sad.

This is exactly what happens in the life of a Christian

when they experience the death of a Christian loved one!

They have been with us for a visit,

perhaps a very long one,

perhaps a very short one,

and have gone Home.

And we miss them!

But rather than missing them temporarily as in a visit,

the separation is permanent until we join them in Heaven.

 

Believers and non-believers alike

experience permanently changed lives,

our hearts hurt,

all our emotions are overwhelmed by the emotion of grief.

 

Christian emotions are just like those outside of Christendom!

Just like God's (we are created in His image and likeness, Genesis 1:26).

Just like Jesus' who experienced all that we experience, 

including grief and sorrow (the story of Lazarus' death, especially John 11:35)

Just like the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, 

feels what we feel, 

and helps us with those emotions (John 14:16, 17)

As the secondary losses begin to quickly mount,

the emotion of grief does too.

While believers experience the spiritual aspects of loss and grief

quite differently from non-believers,

Christians and non-Christians

experience emotional grief in the same basic fashion. 

No two alike, all very similar.

The difference is spiritual, not emotional!

We grieve spiritually differently 

from those who do not have the hope of eternity through Christ!

 

Folks, Jesus Himself grieved/grieves!

And in the Sermon on the Mount,

He not only gave us permission to grieve and be comforted,

He said we were blessed because He allows us to grieve

and comforts our spirits in that grief!(Matthew 5:4)

Rejoice in the sureness of eternity and that wonderful day when

He will wipe every tear from their eyes,

and death shall be no more,

neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,

for the former things have passed away.

 

                                                                           ~~ Revelation 21:4 ~~

But take note that even in this verse of promise,

the fact of earth-bound mourning and grief is acknowledged. 

Open your emotions to Him!

More than any of your family,

more than all your friends,

more than the world's finest, most compassionate counselor,

He understands your sorrow-laden emotions -

and He knows how you are feeling,

what you are experiencing anyway,

so there is no need to try to hide from Him,

from others,

or from yourself!

 

And in His time -

and remember, His time is not our time,

for we want the pain and anguish to stop NOW -

in His time, He will bring healing,

restore life out of mere existence,

beauty out of ashes.

But it takes time 

and that time of mourning

is not time living in sin!

It is time growing in grace!

It is time of refinement!

But grief is not sin!

 

 

So this year, I challenge you to offer grace

and patience

and mercy

to yourself and others.

If you have never experienced this emotional rollercoaster,

count your blessings

and offer grace anyway!

Offer your presence!

Offer your love!

Offer encouragement that the intense anguish won't last forever!

 

But don't beat each other 

unnecessarily and erroneously  

with Scripture!

 

Sabbatical - Third Lesson - Sand and Boulders

Keep talking Lord, I'm listening!

 

Galveston Island is about 27 miles long.

I did not walk it's entire length,

though someday I would very much like to do that,

but I did explore it's entire length

and walked many miles of it.

I noticed some things on my walks.

 

Sand.

Sometimes the sand was soft and loose, warm and white.

On other areas of the beach the sand was more course and brown.

Sometimes it was cold and hard and wet.

Sometimes the wet sand was smooth

while just a few feet away it was rippled.

In some places, shells and seaweed littered the beach

and clams buried themselves leaving little holes dotting the surface.

Still other places, it was void of anything but sand and water.

Some places the sand was dull and flat,

others, it shimmered and glittered.

I could walk for miles uninterrupted

and suddenly come upon boulders, 

huge boulders, blocking my path, 

forcing a choice to climb over or go around.

Even in the boulders though, there was beauty.

Beauty in their formations and colors and sparkles and strength.

The first afternoon, I encountered boulders as I walked.

The flip-flops I was wearing 

along with the eventual crashing of the sea against the sea wall

made going over a poor choice.

(You may wonder how I know that.....)

The force of the water against the boulders,

the unknown beneath its surface,

and the eventual meeting of the water and the sea wall

made going around on the water side a poor choice.

And so I went above to the sea wall. 

As I walked, I discovered that the further southwest I went,

the quieter it got.

The busyness of the island,

the traffic along the tourist area,

the people sunning and playing and fishing,

all the noise and activity of vacationers

faded the nearer I came to the end of the seawall,

the closer I got to less popular beaches.

The sounds of civilization

stopped interfering with the crashing of the sea

and the blowing coastal winds.

I began to think about how like life the beach is.

Constantly changing, yet the same.

Every few feet, something new to see and navigate.

Boulders that seem insurmountable,

tempting an end of the walk.

Wrong choices that sometimes mean going back to the foot of the boulder

and starting again.

But my what we miss when we stop and stay at the foot of the boulders

or turn and go back from where we have come

rather than choosing a forward path!

The boulders seem impossible,

but there is strength in them!

Even when we choose the wrong path

and must start again,

there is beauty!

 

And you know, as I walked,

I did not walk alone! 

God walked with me!

He spoke to me in the lapping waves.

He spoke to me in the surf crashing against the boulders and the sea wall.

He spoke to me on the smooth, sparkling sand,

and on the littered, rippled sand.

Every. Single. Step.

He was there!

 

Keep talking Lord, I'm listening!

 

Sabbatical - a reminder and the second lesson

The Reminder...

 

"I'm watching the glittering surface 

as the sun reflects its brilliance and warms the moving depths. 

I see the birds "clam digging" 

and am reminded of the sparrow. 

You provide the needs of all Your creatures 

in Your glittering perfection. 

You will provide ours as well!"

 

From my journal later on that first day

“Therefore I tell you:  

Don’t worry about your life, 

what you will eat or what you will drink; 

or about your body, what you will wear. 

Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing?  

Consider the birds of the sky: 

They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, 

yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 

Aren’t you worth more than they?  

Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying?  

And why do you worry about clothes? ...So don’t worry, saying,  

‘What will we eat?’ 

or 

‘What will we drink?’ 

or 

‘What will we wear?’  

For...your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,  

and all these things will be provided for you.  

Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow..."

 

                                                    ~~ Matthew 6:25-27, 31, 32 CSB ~~ 

 

The lesson...

 

There were many reminders

and lessons during my sabbatical.

I know all these things.

But sometimes I forget.

And God is so faithful 

to gently and effectively remind me!

 

My second lesson came shortly after the reminder above.

 

I had been swimming and playing in the waves,

going out toward the horizon

then back in to shore.

Out toward the horizon,

back in to shore.

Over and over.

I did not come back to my journal

because I was exhausted,

rather, I came back because I wasn't!

 

I learned long ago that playing in the sea

is much easier when I let the waves do the work.

It has push and pull.

Regardless of which direction I am headed,

when I move that direction with the push

and ride the pull back,

then move with the push, 

ride the pull back,

I am able to watch the water,

the fish and birds, 

and very quickly and easily

arrive at my destination.

And I'm not tired and have enjoyed the journey.

 

Sometimes, if my goal is exercise,

I fight the push.

You know, try to keep my feet planted on the bottom

or even move forward against the waves and current.

It is exhausting!

And fruitless since 

I can not prevent the powerful waves and current

pushing me where they want.

 

Yes,

when I don't fight,

if I am in deeper water,

when I ride the push,

very often, my feet are lifted from the solid bottom.

Sometimes, as I get closer to shore,

I bump my knees or bottom

on the sand.

Sometimes I was lifted to the top of the wave

to ride it with laughter.

Sometimes a wave washed over me as it broke

taking me by surprise.

But I did not drown even then!

And those things happen MORE

when I fight the waves!

 

It hit me!

God is the waves!

He carries me with the waves

as I allow Him! 

My journey is much more joyous

when I cooperate with Him in it

rather than fighting against the "waves" I don't like!

 

Teach me, oh my God,

teach me to rely wholly on You!

Teach me to trust You ~~~

~~~ in ALL the waves!  

 

 

Sabbatical - The week before, the first lesson

From my prayer journal the week before my sabbatical:

 

I'm trying, Lord God!

I really am!

I'm trying to be positive and cheerful,

to trust You,

have faith,

but my head hurts

and I can't breath

and I'm scared...

 

Carry me, Lord,

for I cannot walk just now. 

 

Have you been here?

In the past months ~

who am I kidding? ~

in the past four years,

since my Lanny Love's diagnosis

of an autoimmune disease,

I have felt this way much of the time.

And the onset of Covid...

Well, suffice it to say,

this Before Al's Death (BAD) non-worrier

has become a worrier in a BIG way.

 

BAD, I didn't worry.

I trusted God much more.

After Al's Death (AAD)

this area became a struggle.

I thought I had conquered it.

I thought..........

 

There have been a lot of changes since BAD.

And, there have been a lot of changes AAD.

But this past 18 months ~

OY VEY!!!

By the time sabbatical week came

I was in the above state.

It wasn't fun! 

 

But God!

He wasted no time ~

He never does!

The first encounter that I would like to share

happened early on the first morning after my arrival.

I had spent some time in the water,

some time walking on the beach

and had set down to journal my experience:

 

The water is warm and calm this morning.

I walked out quite a way 

and rode the gentle waves back in several times. 

This water is such a reflection of You!

Sometimes warm and soft,

gently carrying me forward with no real effort on my part.

Other times wild and playful,

still others cold and foreboding

or angrily destroying all in its path.

Always powerful,

never controlled by man! 

 

It dawned on me that control was what it was all about!

 

I had wholly trusted God

when my plan and His aligned.

I had learned years earlier,

during what I then thought would be

the worst time of my life,

that trusting Him was the only way

to joy and peace.

 

But when my Al got cancer,

something changed.

Al died

and everything changed.

And God and I were off on a journey

of spiritual growth and discovery and healing

such as I had never experienced!

 

Along the way,

God brought me my Lanny Love.

Joy of joys!

Miracle of miracles!

Love and happiness came back to my life!

I never thought they would!

After the deepest devastation and loss and grief I had never known,

things were clicking along very nicely!

 

Then my Lanny Love got sick,

and fear and worry began to sneak back in.

About the time I began to relax just a little,

Covid became a life-threatening danger to him.

What was legitimate concern

and what was political maneuvering

became muddled.

The time came to put the home I love on the market,

and I had/have to trust that

He controls its sale.

When it was time to trust

that He had another home for us ~

even if He arranged it to be ready

before we thought the timing was right ~

I worried, panicked.

 

As all those things happened,

fear and doubt reached deeper and deeper into my soul!

I wanted my ordered, happy little world

where I served my husband,

cared for my home,

and worshipped and trusted the God

who gave it all far above and beyond

my fondest hopes, dreams, and prayers.

I wanted my easy life

where the shadows I carry with me

were comfortably in the background most of the time

and the sun shone brightly upon a splendid future.

 

I didn't think it.

I certainly didn't say it.

But buried down in there,

deep in the recesses of my heart,

there it was.

I needed control back...

...because God was messing things up

and I needed to fix it.

 

Of all the changes of widowhood,

this change above all things,

grieves me.

And I thought it grieved God,

but, I think not in the way I thought.

I think He knows me so well,

and loves me so much,

that He uses these times

to root out those things

that I have buried,

kept in places secret even from myself,

and to draw me even closer to Him!

And that pleases Him very much!!!

I am willing, my Daddy God,

my Father Creator,

my Purifier, Refiner!

Keep on growing me!

More to come...

Sabbatical - Prelude

The opportunity presented itself for me to take a sabbatical this past week.

So I did.

Let me define what I mean by sabbatical.

I am talking about a time dedicated to seeking God,

hearing his voice,

asking Him to teach and refine me in specific ways ~

and in ways I didn't realize I needed to be taught and refined.

It means spending time in His Word,

time sitting quietly,

time looking for Him and His lessons

in the ordinary happenings around me,

time journaling what I discovered about Him ~

and about myself.

It means rest from the stresses and work of ministry,

from worry about health or home or anything else.

 

Just God and me!

 

As those of you who followed my Caring Bridge blog

and, to some degree, the early days of this blog,

you will know that I spent a lot of time running away from home

in the early days of my widowhood.

While those were definitely times of alone time with God,

crying out to Him,

they were not sabbatical times,

they were survival times.

While I certainly learned during those times,

certainly experienced refinement,

certainly grew,

this was different.

This was not a time of

"Oh my goodness, I have to get out of here!"

running from loneliness and grief,

going wherever my car took me,

this was choosing a place where I knew God could most easily speak to me,

where I would most clearly see and hear Him,

with the intent of spiritual growth and refinement and rest.

It was needed!

And it was highly beneficial!

 

I chose the beach.

I drove 12 hours to get there,

12 hours to get home,

I spent two days walking and talking only with God.

 

Why the beach?

It's not the beauty, though certainly it is beautiful!

It's the feeling.

It's wild and serene at the same time.

I can feel the personality of God there.

The silky soft purity and warmth of the sand 

(His absolute love and acceptance of us,

the peace and joy and contentment He brings),

the power of the waves that are both unchanging and in constant movement 

(the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow,

dependable, yet everywhere and flexible

as He moves in the lives of His imperfect children),

the sea air that nourishes my parched skin, hair, eyes, lungs

(the Living Water that quenches our parched spirits).

When I sit or walk on the beaches, 

a quietness envelopes me.

The frenzied thoughts and constant movement that is Gina calms. 

As I play in the waves, 

exuberant joy washes away the cares of life 

and for those moments, 

I revel in the gifts He has given me 

without the caveats of

loss and grief, 

stress, 

"I need to be..." or "I should...", 

worry, 

all the negative things sin ushered into our lives. 

It's how it feels....

 

So, over the next little while,

I will be posting about some of God's work in me,

my time of sabbatical.

I pray He will use what He taught me

to move in other's lives as well.

 

 

 

September 3

Today is a hard day in our home.

Each year it is hard.

Each year it is different,

the emotions and character surrounding the day flux

but the constant is that it is 

 

Today it is eight years.

Eight long years.

Eight incredibly short years.

Eight years.

I am his best friend.

His lover.

His partner in life.

But I am not his first.

And today, I am not the one for whom he longs.

I totally get it!!!

 

Today, he remembers.

Today, he smiles...

...and cries.

Today, I can be supportive,

but I cannot fix it.

No matter how much I want to.

 

Today is hard.

 

Now God's presence is with [him],

and He will live with [him],

and [he] will be [His child].

 [And there will come a day...]

He will wipe away every tear from [his] eyes,

and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain,

because the old ways are gone. 

 

~~ Revelation 21:3-4