Love is a many splendored thing…

And a LOT of hard work!

 

I have loved many people in my life.

I love my children!

I love my grandchildren!

I love my sisters and brothers!

I love my parents!

I love my friends!

 

I love my husbands!

And that is the kind of love that has spurred this post.

I love deeply, passionately.

In all my relationships,

but most especially in my romantic ones.

 

I have been engaged four times.

Three of those times, I was deeply in love.

Two of those times, I married the man.

Of those four engagements,

twice, I was the one who loved more

and twice, I was the one more loved.

I will not say which was which because it doesn’t matter.

I will say that both sides created difficulties for me.

 

When I was more loved,

I felt guilty.

I should love more, try harder.

And I was right about that.

But you know,

I was never able to outlove those two men.

Because their love for me wouldn't allow it.

 

When I loved more,

it was hard to know that I was not the most important thing.

Sometimes it flat out hurt!

Sometimes, it would have been easier to just say,

"Fine!" 

and withdraw.

But despite my sometimes hurt feelings,

I worked all the harder to love well.

I pampered, spoiled, catered to, wooed.

I pursued ardently.

Because I so greatly desired to be wholly loved,

the most important.

 

Just as God's love for us

won't allow us to outlove Him.

Just as He desires to be wholly loved,

the most important to us!

 

Finally we get to it!

 

I believe that the marriage relationship

most closely emulates God’s relationship with us.

Most people think it is the parent/child relationship.

I disagree.

 

You see, we raise our children –

rightfully so –

to become independent of us,

to need us less and less as time goes on,

to eventually fly the nest

where we lovingly protected them when they were young.

 

However, in a good and loving marriage relationship,

we become more and more dependent upon one another,

our need for the other grows and deepens with time,

we nestle more deeply into the protective wing

of that person we most love in the world

and cannot fathom a life apart from them.

 

This is how our relationship with God should be!

Ever more dependent!

 

Recently, it occurred to me to wonder.

Does God sometimes feel pain and hurt

at the knowledge that He loves us more,

that we love Him less than other people or things?

Does He grieve that we take His love for granted?

Is He jealous of those things that come first,

those things we rank ahead of Him?

Does He sometimes weep

in wanting our complete devotion to Him?

Does He grow weary of

pampering, spoiling, catering to, wooing us

only to remain in second or third or fourth... 

or anything but first place?

Do we break His heart

by not loving Him best?

 

May I never hurt you so, Lord God!

 

Holiday Grief

It is just after 5am.I have been up for an hour. No, I don't have anywhere to be, it's just one of those mornings.

I am cuddled in my chair by the fire in the soft glow of the Christmas tree and fragrant candlelight. The house and world are still and quiet. My spirit, however, is stirring.

A lot has happened in my world in recent weeks. A trip to see my in-laws in another state. The resulting COVID exposure and our own illness. A disagreement with a family member that has haunted me. And, perhaps most significant, another shifting in the grief process.

Someone said to me recently that they didn't have to experience grief to understand it. I couldn't possibly disagree more. I have experienced it and I still don't understand it.

I have lost an infant child. I have lost my parents and one set of in-laws. I have lost all of my grandparents. I have lost numerous dear friends and other relatives. I thought surely, if anyone did, I understood grief. Then I lost a husband. I had no idea about grief!

Each grief experience is different. And my experience in a relational loss is not the same as yours in the same relational loss because each relationship is different. Several new widows in my life this year has reminded me of that fact. But there are some general similarities. One of those is time and morphosis.

They say that time heals all wounds and there is some truth to that, but those wounds, though healed, are scarred, and remain tender for some time, often permanently. Grief becomes the broken ankle that functions perfectly on a day-to-day basis but tells you for the rest of your life when the weather is changing.

The weather is changing.

I am nearly through my eighth year of widowhood. In just over a month, I will enter the ninth year. With each passing year, there are shifts. This eighth year has been no exception.

I will be talking more about the grieving process, particularly as it relates to Christians, in an upcoming blog, but for this time I will simply state that I am no longer in active grief and have not been in that highly and constantly emotional state for several years. Yet I do have those times when the sensation of loss returns, sometimes very briefly, sometimes over a period of time. I do not have days when my late husband does not come to mind. There are very few when he is not mentioned in some way in conversation. But my life no longer centers around him and loss. I have moved forward, fallen in love again, remarried, and am excessively happy in my current life. Yet, the past is not erased.

This summer, I had a very strange dream. It was very vivid and I still remember it clearly these many months later. It was an exclamation point on what I suspected was another shifting in the grieving process. The morphosis has continued and recently received another exclamation point.

I guess all this is to say that for those of you out there in active grief, be patient with yourselves. Don't expect too little, allow yourself to stagnate in your grief, it is not a place to live indefinitely, but don't expect to much from yourself either. This time of year is hard. Somehow that empty chair looms larger, seems emptier. Give yourself grace. This time will pass and you will again rejoice in the holiday season.

For those of you out there supporting a loved one in grief, please don't say to them that it's time to move on! Especially if they have not yet reached the second anniversary of the death. Just don't! It isn't helpful! In fact, it just makes things worse, makes them feel even more isolated and lonely. Moving on is not an option. They will move FORWARD, most likely are doing so even if it doesn't seem that way to you, but they will never move ON. There is a difference. Instead, mention their loved one by name! Share a special memory! Offer grace, even if you don't understand. And give thanks to God that you don't! 

Election 2020

I've thought about this day for a while now.

How would I react?

If my man won, would I gloat?

If he lost would I pout, throw a tantrum?

I knew I would not loot and burn and demonstrate,

that isn't in me,

but would I behave just as badly in my spirit?

Today I know.

I have prayed diligently for our nation in the last weeks and months.

I have prayed diligently for our president.

Today, I will continue to do so.

You see, we arrogantly believe we have placed in power the man we want.

We have not.

God has placed in power the man HE wants there!

For HIS purpose!

I don't understand, but I don't have to.

I don't even agree, but I don't have to.

God has many, many times allowed and caused things

with which I don't agree.

I haven't always seen the light,

but often, in retrospect, I can see His purpose and rejoice!

 

Today, I trust Him!

Today, I pray for our nation,

for our president,

and for our president-elect.

May God bless these men and our nation!

 

Riding the wave...

I didn't know.

On October 2 when I posted about her trust in us,

I didn't know.

On October 8 when I posted about grief,

I didn't know that within literal seconds

of posting my thoughts,

we would learn that our little Mitzi would not survived her surgery

to remove something she had eaten and could not pass.

She had been sick a lot the last few months.

But nothing showed in x-rays or bloodwork.

Just old age creeping in.

I can relate...

But when they opened her up,

She was very diseased.

They closed her without any further procedure and called us.

Did we want them to wake her so we could say goodbye

or just let her go to sleep without waking.

Those were our only two choices.

It has been more than a week now.

Old habits die hard.

I still look for her little nose in the fence

and her wagging tail when I pull in the driveway.

I still look for her to come running when I open the freezer

because she loved to chew on ice.

I still look to see where she is when I come down the stairs

because that was one of her favorite sleeping spots.

Her bed is still in the front window,

and in our bedroom.

I miss her.

I am grieving this little fluffy ball of cotton love.

But my Lanny Love....

Mitzi was a surprise.

His Judy had called to see if he thought their daughter would like another dog.

He suggested calling her.

"What about us?"

"No more dogs!"

When he came home from work, there they were,

Macy (for Aleisha) and Mitzi for them.

This is one of my favorite Judy stories!

It makes me laugh to hear him tell it.

I think he simply misunderstood.

Judy wasn't asking what he thought,

she was letting him know what she was going to do.

I can relate....

Not very long later,

they would realize what a great blessing God had given in little Mitzi.

A faithful and loving companion to them both,

she would be a ray of sunshine to Judy as she battled cancer

and, in the days after, great comfort to Lanny as he grieved.

It is unfortunate that her death occurred just when it did,

the week of the onset of Judy's illness, her surgery, and the dread diagnosis.

It would have been hard regardless,

saying goodbye to a beloved pet.

But losing Mitzi was losing another bit of Judy.

And the timing was unfortunate.

My Lanny Love is riding a grief wave.

You see, when you lose your life partner,

you don't lose them all at once.

You lose them bit by bit over many years

in a million different ways.

And every time it is painful.

But God!

As much as Mitzi comforted,

the Holy Spirit so much more!

And, blessedly, we do not remain in constant, debilitating grief permanently!

There is loss to be sure.

There are times of anguished grief - 

for the rest of our lives I think -

but there is living, 

there is happiness, 

there is contentment, 

there is joy!

If you are reading this and in painful grief,

whether it is fresh new grief,

or a fresh new wave,

hang on!

Ride the wave!

When it pulls you under, hold your breath!

Grieve, because grief is natural,

it is part of love and loss.

But hang on!

The wave will flatten and 

you will float,

or sun on the beach,

or rest in the shade,

and life will be good again!

And when the next wave comes,

for it will come,

you'll know!

You will survive and life will be wonderful again!

Because you survived this one!

In prayerful understanding,

Gina 

 

 

 

Love and grief and prayer

There is a sacredness in love and grief.

One begets the other.

In life and in death.

And one does not end the other.

When I began this blog,

I was in my first year of widowhood.

My grief was so accute!

Far deeper that I could have imagined.

I was trying desperately to make it stop!

I don't do that anymore.

Grief is a privilege.

It is the ebb and flow of the ocean,

the tornado that rips you apart

and the gentle breeze that lifts your hair

and cools your brow.

It opens doors to delightful memories

and unspeakable sorrow.

It changes.

But it is always there.

The Al hole in my heart will never go away.

I am privileged to have that hole

for it means I have love!

One day I will double this privilege,

or my Lanny Love will,

for we have been blessed with another great love,

but for now,

new love and old love,

joy and grief,

coexist.

And will for as long as we both live.

Eight years ago my life was in flux.

I was still "we"

but wouldn't be for long.

We were in Phoenix.

A last ditch effort following release to Hospice

by our cancer treatment center.

We were living as much as possible.

Weekdays belonged to Cancer Treatment Centers

but weekends were ours.

And we did as much as Al could tolerate.

So, on this day, eight years ago,

We made our last "fun" trip.

Al had always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.

So we drove the hundred or so miles to see it.

So many prayers were lifted on our behalf in those days,

and on my behalf in the overwhelming grief days to come.

The last and next few weeks are filled with memories.....

Nine years ago this past Sunday,

I prayed for my Lanny Love for the first time.

I didn't know him, had never met him.

I didn't pray for him by name.

But we had a mutual friend.

She asked me to pray for Judy who had had a seizure.

The news was not good

and I lifted Judy and her family in prayer that day

and for many days to come.

I did not know when the loss came for them,

I was mired in my own loss by then,

but others had taken up the banner

and stormed Heaven for the grief 

that claimed the hearts of those I have come to love so deeply.

The last and next few weeks are filled with memories for my Lanny Love.....

Recently, I made a comment to a friend

that something reminded me of Al.

She said she was sorry I was thinking of him.

I replied that I wasn't sorry at all,

that I like thinking of him!

I didn't "like" that particular memory,

but him...yes, I like thinking of and talking about him!

In our home, we are not a single couple.

We are three couples.

And we co-exist in loving relationship with one another.

I didn't know Judy.

Lanny didn't know Al.

But we have come to love and respect

them through one another.

Grief changes, but it is always there.

Great love does not die

and grief is the price.

But there is life left to live!

And God has richly blessed us both!

My Lanny Love is a great gift to me!

I am a great gift to him!

We are privileged that God has granted us another great love.

And I believe that without the prayers of the faithful,

we would not be here!

I believe that the prayers of our friends and families,

those of the people who did not know us,

but know God very well,

brought us out of the "deep mirey clay"

and set our feet on "solid rock".

During the times we could not carry ourselves to the Throne of Grace,

others carried us!

Prayer is a privilege!

It is the MOST you can do for anyone!

Other things are icing on the cake!

Please pray for your people -

and for others' people even if you don't know them!

Thank you to those of you who prayed for me!

Thank you to those of you who prayed for my Lanny Love!

YOU are part of our joy and love and happiness!

Thank you!!!

And thank you for your prayers today.

Today, our hearts are lonely......

"I will praise You, Lord, because you rescued me...

Lord, my God, I prayed to You, and You healed me...

When I felt safe, I said, 'I will never fear.'

Lord, in Your kindness, You made my mountain safe...

You changed my sorrow into dancing.

You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness.

I will sing to You and not be silent,

Lord, my God, I will praise You forever."

~~ Psalm 30:1-2, 6-7, 11-12 NCV

God is so good! So merciful! Thank You, Lord God!

Oh how He cares for us!

I step carefully over her as her little body 

stretches across the doorway.

Only her eyes move as she watches to see 

if I might open the refrigerator,

from which she knows without doubt she will be fed today,

or if I might go to the treat bin.

When she realizes it's not to be - yet -

her eyes close once again

and she snores softly as I move over and around her,

secure in the knowledge that I will not cause her harm as I work.

Earlier in the day,

as is the norm,

she and her kitty sisters

rested as near to us as possible,

often letting a tail or a leg stray under the rockers of our chairs.

They were not concerned

for they had not experienced the pain of a rocked on tail

because we watch for hidden dangers and protect them.

A few weeks ago when she was injured -

the result of her foolish choice -

she rested in our arms as we drove madly to the vet,

never for a moment doubting that we knew

and would do whatever it took to fix it

and look out for her best interest.

Mitzi trusts us implicitly.

If we as a pet mommy and daddy

so carefully watch for danger, meet the needs and care for

our little dog and kitties,

how much more does our Heavenly Father

meet our needs and care for us, 

His creation, His children.

May we -

may I -

learn to trust Him so!

He is not afraid of bad news;

his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

~~ Psalm 112:7

Fear not, for I am with you; 

be not dismayed, for I am your God; 

I will strengthen you, I will help you, 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~~ Isaiah 41:10

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything by prayer and supplication 

with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, 

which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

~~ Philippians 4:6-7

God's Masterpiece

I didn't sleep well last night.
It's my friend, Teirani's fault.

A couple days ago, 

she posted something on her Facebook page that has gnawed at me.

Could you imagine looking an artist in the eyes and telling them their piece of work was ugly, imperfect, not good enough, or unworthy?

Probably not, right?

How often does God hear us say things like this about ourselves?

Darlin, you are a ONE OF A KIND MASTERPIECE

God is so proud of His work in you.

You should be, too.

https://www.facebook.com/teiranigarrett 

It began gnawing as soon as I read it.
I can't get it to stop.

Finally, at 5:30, I got up.
I made coffee.
I dusted.

I sat in my rocking chair watching the sun rise.

And thinking.

And praying.

Finally, I took a selfie.

Several.

I looked at them.

I criticized.

I deleted.

I played with the focus.

I thought about Tei.

I thought about me.

I thought about the Master Artist.

I thought,

"Well God, if you'd made me as gorgeous and smart as you made Tei..."

Oh.

I get the picture!

"...and I praise you because of the wonderful way you created me. 
Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt."

                                Psalm 139:14 CEV