I've been thinking about my title phrase for a while.
We all understand the concept of joy in the midst of sorrow.
It's those times,
in the midst of great loss and sorrow,
where,
even if only for a moment,
you find yourself smiling,
living.
It's God in the midst of the pain.
But sorrow in the midst of joy is different.
That happens when,
despite the fact that you still miss them desperately,
despite the fact that you still wish it had been different,
despite the fact that you think about it every single day,
despite all that and much, much more,
a person really begins to live again.
Acceptance has taken denial's place.
Anguish has softened to grief and sorrow,
then to sadness,
then to the ability to smile at the memories.
Anger at the situation,
at the person,
at God,
has finally reasoned its way into peace.
Life arrives.
Joy arrives.
I thought of sorrow in the midst of joy a lot
when I first fell in love after Al's death.
My grief and sorrow was consuming me
despite my great joy at a second chance at love.
Then there was just more sorrow in the midst of sorrow.
And that's where I stayed for months.
And months.
Then something happened on Christmas Eve.
And I knew something had to change!
I knew I would die of grief if I didn't begin choosing joy!
And a change came over me both externally and internally
once I made that choice and began allowing God to work.
Many of you have followed my journey.
Don't get me wrong.
I still grieve.
But it no longer consumes me.
Most of the time.
But there are those moments.
When despite the joy of the present,
the anguish of the past,
the sorrow at the loss,
makes itself front and center.
And it will always be that way.
I think of my grandpa.
My grandma died when I was 17.
We traveled to her funeral and, of course,
stayed at grandpa's and grandma's house with the rest of the kids and grands.
It was a full house!
The day before the funeral,
I came down the stairs and when I hit the landing and turned,
there,
in the living room,
sitting on the couch,
his head in his hands,
sat my grandpa,
sobbing.
I came to a dead stop.
My uncle motioned to me from another room to come to him,
to leave my grandpa alone.
I went to my uncle and cried in his arms.
For my loss.
For his loss.
For my precious, heartbroken grandpa crying in the living room.
Flash forward 20 years.
My grandpa remarried three years after my grandma's death.
He and Grandma Margie were very happy.
The family had met together once again,
this time for my grandpa's 75th birthday celebration.
We had come from all over the country,
and this time there were also great-grandchildren.
As it goes at these type of gatherings,
we were all doing different things.
Some were gathered around the table eating and talking.
Some were outside swimming or sitting in lawn chairs.
Some were watching a sporting event on TV,
cheering different teams and harassing one another.
We were everywhere,
doing everything!
And my grandpa and I were sitting together,
holding hands and talking.
As we watched the family,
he became very quiet,
and silent tears began to fall.
And I'll never forget his words to me.
"Jeanie (family name for me),
I love Grandma Margie with all my heart,
but at times like this,
I really miss your grandmother."
My mind immediately flashed back to that other day.
That sobbing over fresh loss day.
And those two events became forever fused together.
Twenty years later,
he still loved her,
still missed her.
He was happy.
His life was very full.
Sorrow in the midst of joy.
That day, my grandpa understood.
I have watched my Lanny Love struggle with this,
especially over the last couple weeks
in the days leading up to and including his son's wedding.
His Judy should have been there.
They should have been seated together,
held hands as they watched their child
commit himself to another in love.
He loves me.
And we are happily building what will most probably be
a lasting relationship.
Yet,
he loves her.
And in the midst of all the joy,
sorrow.
Today, my Lanny Love understands.
I think of the three men I have truly loved in my life -
who knew you could deeply love three times! -
one dead,
one irrevocably out of my life,
one my present,
my future.
Love for my Lanny Love that shocks me at its intensity!
Joy at our growing relationship.
Wonder that it could happen,
for I truly did not think it could!
And yet,
those moments of intense sorrow at my losses,
fear of another,
similar loss.
Sorrow in the midst of joy.
Today I understand.
Someday,
these things will be forever gone!
There will be no more joy in the midst of sorrow,
or sorrow in the midst of joy.
What a glorious day that will be!
We all understand the concept of joy in the midst of sorrow.
It's those times,
in the midst of great loss and sorrow,
where,
even if only for a moment,
you find yourself smiling,
living.
It's God in the midst of the pain.
But sorrow in the midst of joy is different.
That happens when,
despite the fact that you still miss them desperately,
despite the fact that you still wish it had been different,
despite the fact that you think about it every single day,
despite all that and much, much more,
a person really begins to live again.
Acceptance has taken denial's place.
Anguish has softened to grief and sorrow,
then to sadness,
then to the ability to smile at the memories.
Anger at the situation,
at the person,
at God,
has finally reasoned its way into peace.
Life arrives.
Joy arrives.
I thought of sorrow in the midst of joy a lot
when I first fell in love after Al's death.
My grief and sorrow was consuming me
despite my great joy at a second chance at love.
Then there was just more sorrow in the midst of sorrow.
And that's where I stayed for months.
And months.
Then something happened on Christmas Eve.
And I knew something had to change!
I knew I would die of grief if I didn't begin choosing joy!
And a change came over me both externally and internally
once I made that choice and began allowing God to work.
Many of you have followed my journey.
Don't get me wrong.
I still grieve.
But it no longer consumes me.
Most of the time.
But there are those moments.
When despite the joy of the present,
the anguish of the past,
the sorrow at the loss,
makes itself front and center.
And it will always be that way.
I think of my grandpa.
My grandma died when I was 17.
We traveled to her funeral and, of course,
stayed at grandpa's and grandma's house with the rest of the kids and grands.
It was a full house!
The day before the funeral,
I came down the stairs and when I hit the landing and turned,
there,
in the living room,
sitting on the couch,
his head in his hands,
sat my grandpa,
sobbing.
I came to a dead stop.
My uncle motioned to me from another room to come to him,
to leave my grandpa alone.
I went to my uncle and cried in his arms.
For my loss.
For his loss.
For my precious, heartbroken grandpa crying in the living room.
Flash forward 20 years.
My grandpa remarried three years after my grandma's death.
He and Grandma Margie were very happy.
The family had met together once again,
this time for my grandpa's 75th birthday celebration.
We had come from all over the country,
and this time there were also great-grandchildren.
As it goes at these type of gatherings,
we were all doing different things.
Some were gathered around the table eating and talking.
Some were outside swimming or sitting in lawn chairs.
Some were watching a sporting event on TV,
cheering different teams and harassing one another.
We were everywhere,
doing everything!
And my grandpa and I were sitting together,
holding hands and talking.
As we watched the family,
he became very quiet,
and silent tears began to fall.
And I'll never forget his words to me.
"Jeanie (family name for me),
I love Grandma Margie with all my heart,
but at times like this,
I really miss your grandmother."
My mind immediately flashed back to that other day.
That sobbing over fresh loss day.
And those two events became forever fused together.
Twenty years later,
he still loved her,
still missed her.
He was happy.
His life was very full.
Sorrow in the midst of joy.
That day, my grandpa understood.
I have watched my Lanny Love struggle with this,
especially over the last couple weeks
in the days leading up to and including his son's wedding.
His Judy should have been there.
They should have been seated together,
held hands as they watched their child
commit himself to another in love.
He loves me.
And we are happily building what will most probably be
a lasting relationship.
Yet,
he loves her.
And in the midst of all the joy,
sorrow.
Today, my Lanny Love understands.
I think of the three men I have truly loved in my life -
who knew you could deeply love three times! -
one dead,
one irrevocably out of my life,
one my present,
my future.
Love for my Lanny Love that shocks me at its intensity!
Joy at our growing relationship.
Wonder that it could happen,
for I truly did not think it could!
And yet,
those moments of intense sorrow at my losses,
fear of another,
similar loss.
Sorrow in the midst of joy.
Today I understand.
Someday,
these things will be forever gone!
There will be no more joy in the midst of sorrow,
or sorrow in the midst of joy.
What a glorious day that will be!
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him,
and He helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise Him.
~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~
No comments:
Post a Comment
All comments are moderated. If you prefer that your comment not be made public, please so indicate. I am happy to reply privately if you include an email address.