Home

I never cease to be amazed at how everything

ties back to that division in time,

before my Al's death/after my Al's death.

That one event is the defining moment of my life.

Maybe my salvation should be.

Maybe marrying either time should be.

Maybe having children should be.

And all of those things are defining moments,

but the one that has divided my life into a BC/AD existence,

the thing that rocked my world off its axis

spinning me in the opposite direction and upside down,

that most defining of moments,

that one thing that changed everything,

that gave me a "before" and an "after",

that one thing was Al's death.

 

I have had a lot of change in my life.

By the time I was 12,

I had lived in five states and

about 10 different towns/cities.

Our lives were in a constant state of flux.

So while I won't claim to have enjoyed change,

I was accustomed to it.

I fairly quickly accepted new circumstances,

usually before the change actually took place,

and, as much as was in my power to do so,

made the very best out of my current reality.

 

The first few years of my marriage to my Al

were pretty similar.

We moved from apartment to apartment,

then house to house.

We moved from city to city a couple times.

Change was always on the horizon.

That was my life and I was used to it.

Eventually we settled down and stayed put

for nearly 20 years.

 

From the time I was 14 going forward,

there were always two constants.

My God and my Al.

Neither one of them appeared to be going anywhere.

My parents and grandparents passed away.

God and my Al were still there.

Our children, as they should, grew up and left home.

God and my Al stayed put.

Friends came and went,

cities and churches changed,

jobs were accepted and left,

God and my Al...yep. 

Still there.

 

Until my Al wasn't.

And change became my enemy.

 

Just over three years ago

my Lanny Love and I closed on Mount Newton Love Nest.

The first eleven months we were married,

we lived in "his" home.

For the next nearly five years, in Newton Love Nest our,

I assumed,

last home on earth.

I loved that house!!!

It suited me. 

It suited us!

Though we had already been married nearly a year when we moved into it,

It was where he and I became us.

After nearly five years,

several things pushed us to make the decision to sell.

I thought I was ready.

I wasn't.

 

I love Mount Newton!

The property and water system were what we bought.

They just happened to have a house attached to them. 

A house that was sound.

A house that I disliked.

Intensely. 

 

We modified, choosing everything to suit our tastes,

heavy on the "my" in "our".

And when it was done and we moved in...

I hated it.

The day we closed on the other house

I cried at the closing.

Sobbed.

 

I didn't understand it.

Others didn't understand it.

It's a lovely home.

It's in a lovely area.

It's just what we needed.

But it wasn't home.

And I think I might have been pretty determined

not to let it become home.

For two years I was pretty determined.

And pretty successful!

 

Then around this time last year

I said to myself,

 

"Self, this is ridiculous!!!

Why are you so unhappy with this house???

It's a cute house!

It's a nice house!

Why don't you like this house???"

 

I couldn't come up with a single reason

other than it different

and it wasn't the other house.

 

So I began working at loving it.

And guess what?

Today, I really like and enjoy our home!

 

How did I make the change?

Well, I stopped looking back at the house I lost.

I stopped saying "No other house will ever be as good!"

I stopped comparing this house to that one...

...and focusing on the negative differences inthis house.

I began creating in this house

what I missed in that house - 

namely nooks and crannies,

little hide-aways and reading corners and unique features.

 

I allowed myself to like it!!!

 

It hit me on the third anniversary of closing on Mount Newton Love Nest

while I was noticing the date.

This transition has, in many ways,

mimicked the transition from married

    to widowed

        to remarried.

Right down to the timeline.

For two years I sorrowed over the house I lost,

stubbornly refusing to see see anything but the loss.

For two years, I sorrowed intensely over my Al.

When I knew I could not live in anguish for the rest of my life,

I began "painting walls" in the dating world

(far earlier than I should have I now realize)

comparing everyone to my Al and dismissing them out of hand,

or, twice, choosing men who, in my heart of hearts,

I knew were not for me from the get-go.

I have wondered recently if that was why I chose them,

distractions that would not, could not, possibly be for me.....

 

Then came the time of "still" mourning and listening to God,

a time where I changed nothing,

not so much as moving a stick of furniture.

I began to see the potential.

I began to notice life was for living,

not for comparing,

not for "fine...whatever" changes,

not for desperation "fixes" that fixed nothing.

And when that time was completed,

God opened the door to my Lanny Love.

He is perfect for me.

He is all I prayed for,

    hoped for,

        dreamed of...

and then God made him even better than that!

Recently, a dear friend and I

(she is in her second year of widowhood)

were discussing before and after and expectations.

Life is not the same after.

It never will be the same.

I am not the same.

Never will I be that person again.

And neither will "the same" be the case for her.

Or for any of us.

This house is not the one I shared with Al

It is not the one I lived in alone.

It is not the one my Lanny Love shared with me for a bit.

It is not the one I thought would be my last.

But this house has become more than a house this past year.

It has become "home".

Change is hard!

This widowhood thing is the hardest,

especially at this time of year!

It takes time, but like this house is now home,

widows and widowers will come to "be" again.

The drifting will end!

You will find yourself!

Feel the grief!

Process the change!

And when it's time,

let yourself find "home"!

And remember, it's okay to still love the other life,

to still miss it and "him" or "her".

Allowing yourself to live, to accept what is,

to actually embrace and come to love it,

is good and honoring to the one you lost!

May God lead each of you "home"!

"What does love even look like?"

"What does love even look like?"

I was recently asked this question 

by a frustrated friend.

We talked about it for a while

and finally summarized that

while their are some commonalities,

love looks different for each person

and the most successful love stories

are those where the "look" is most similar

for those involved.

Yesterday, I was not feeling well.

Ginger ale and saltines were the order of the day.

These are not things we keep in our gluten-free,

mostly sugar-free home 

so my sweet hubby ran to the store.

This is not a quick trip for the most part.

We live six miles outside of town.

So it takes some thoughtful effort to make a "quick" trip,

some sacrifice if one is doing something else and didn't plan to get out.

He came home with saltines, ginger ale (my favorite brand of both)

and roses.

So here's a picture of what love looks like for me.

It looks like thoughtfulness, effort, sacrifice, "knowing", and caring.....

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

                                    ~~ Romans 12:10 ~~

Mother-in-love Blessings

Yesterday, we celebrated my mother-in-love's 95th birthday.

Today, I commemorate my first mother-in-love's 99th.

I have been twice blessed!!!

My first mother-in-love was "mom" for nearly 40 years,

my second for nearly nine and counting.

And both truly are moms to me!

So many daughters-in-law never have a good relationship

with their husband's mothers,

in fact, that is what they are, "husband's mother"

and nothing more.

I look up to, admire and love both of mine

and they me.

I was 18 when my first mother-in-love became "mom" to me.

Honestly?

I rolled my eyes a few times with her.

And she wanted more than once to turn me over her knee,

but did the grown up version instead.

She didn't so much complain about me (most of the time) as to me

when she had a problem with me.

Just like her own children.

And the same in reverse.

Just like my own mother.

And she loved on me.

In many ways, she was my protector, especially as a teen girlfriend.

Just like a mom!

I miss her deeply and look forward to that great reunion one day!

With my second, it has been a different kind of relationship.

I am not the first wife, stealing her baby from her nest.

I am bring him solace and comfort,

    dancing from mourning,

        life from mere existence.

I am significantly older.

As is she.

So, no eye rolling,

no adult-version spanking.

But lots and lots of love and friendship.

We have shared our hearts deeply with one another.

 

What a blessing to still have her!

I dread the day that I know is coming 

when we will have to say "good-bye" for a while. 

I think about my mother-in-love in Heaven

and wonder if she and my first father-in-love

have met my second father-in-love.

I wonder if all my and my Lanny Love's people

have embraced one another.

 

Perhaps today they are all sharing a cup of coffee and slice of birthday cake,

    my Al,

        Lanny's Judy,

            my mom and first set of in-love's,

                maybe my dad, I hope,

                    Lanny's daddy,

                        our grandparents

                            the babies we did not get to raise,

                                the siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins.......

                                    all the people that comprised my Lanny Love's and my lives,

and chatting about their people still here

just as we visit together about our people who are there.

I can see them in my mind's eye,

laughing 'til tears roll about the memories

and nodding knowingly about those things that brought the other kind of tears

but which they now see clearly.

It is a mind picture I enjoy.

 

These people,

are my heavenly blessings,

the ones I most look forward to embracing

right after Jesus!

How I love them all!!!

Happy birthday, moms!!!

Mom Garrett

Mom Newton

Titles

I am in the third quarter of my 12th year,

approaching my 12th anniversary

as a widow.

This week, my Lanny Love observed his 11th anniversary

and entered his 12th year

as a widower.

 

As all of them have,

this year has encompassed

both the expected and the unexpected.

I anticipate a comparable journey for my Lanny Love.

I am surprised by the similarities -

    and the differences -

in the journey of remarried widowhood,

not just between he and I, but generally,

just like widowhood itself.

 

Can I be honest here?

I was a shocked that remarriage

didn't "cure" my widowhood.

Nor did it cure my Lanny Love's.

Nor does it appear to cure that of 

any of my remarried widow friends.

You know the saying 

"once a mother, always a mother"?

It is equally true to say 

"once a widow/widower, always a widow/widower".

That surprised me.

It doesn't seem quite fair to me,

but then what does with widowhood?

 

One of the things that I really struggled with in the beginning

was the Biblical truth that the moment my Al's soul left his body,

I was no longer married.

    I felt married!!!

        I wanted to be married!!!

            But I wasn't married.

Our marriage covenant, 

our contract if you will,

was complete.

I was no longer joined to God as "one" with him,

but was one alone with God.

I remember how angry I was

the first time I received mail addressed to "Ms.",

how devastating it felt

to check that "single" box the first time.

 

So, if "married" ends with death,

why doesn't "widow" end with remarriage?

Because it doesn't!!!

    I still feel widowed.

        I still look around me and don't see my Al.

            I still know I was once married to another.

                I still I love him.

 

Sometimes I ponder that truth, 

that widowhood does not end with remarriage,

quietly, like now.

Sometimes I relish and embrace it for it is proof that he existed.

Sometimes I turn from it, arms crossed,

determined to ignore it.

Sometimes I face it head on

and scream 

"NO!!!!! 

I AM NO LONGER A WIDOW!!!!! 

I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND!!!!!"

Depends on the day, 

    the season of grief, 

        the...who knows.

 

So, what has been different in this 12th year

other than my pondering of my title? 

I think less

"The day Al died"

and more

"The day I became a widow"

about that January day

because my Al is NOT dead,

he is more alive than am I

while I remain a widow.

Perhaps part of the title musing...

perhaps a large part..........

 

There has been increased relief from active grief.

That seems to be a constant over the years.

Each year is a relief over the last,

though the "moments" continue.

The "moments" are different.

And the same.

Every year.

 

But there has also been a mild increase 

in panic attacks this year

which, for me, have been a consistency 

in varying degrees and frequency

since my Al's diagnosis.

 

There has been a return to the constant awareness

that my Al is gone.

That "shadow of death" has returned to my life this year

hovering constantly over my shoulder.

Strangely, it has not brought sadness as in the past,

but a measure of comfort.

This I cannot explain.

 

Both my Lanny Love and I seem to talk even more about

his Judy and my Al recently.

They seem never far from our active thoughts.

I think my increased conversations,

as have his,

started near the anniversary date last year

so maybe it's just a 12th year thing.

 

With remarriage, loneliness ends,

but loneliness for "that person" does not.

That has increased this year.

I miss my Al more again,

miss his quirks,

    his wit,

        his corny jokes,

            his mannerisms,

                his marvelous voice,

                    and the way he uniquely loved me and I him.

Again, unexplainably, rather than sadness,

this missing has brought comfort.

 

Some of these things are probably associated to

having spent the last year

walking with my dearest female friend

through her first year of widowhood.

So many reminders and memories...

But much of it I think is simply part of the cycle of grief.

Grief most definitely softens!!!

The constant anguish of those first couple years

has never returned.

There have been periods,

some of them long, some brief,

but never the perpetual unbrokeness

and never the depth

of those first years.

But neither grief nor widowhood come to an end.

 

And why would we expect it to?

When my child died, I did not cease being his mother.

I still grieve him, wonder...

When my parents died, I did not cease being their daughter.

I still miss them, wonder...

When my husband died,

    while God said I ceased being a wife,

        He replaced that title with "widow" 

            permanently it would seem.

 

I am once again a wife,

belonging solely to my Lanny Love and he to me.

But he is still his Judy's widower,

I am still my Al's widow. 

Somehow, when a divorcee remarries,

they are no longer a divorcee.

But in widowhood, we seem to hold dual titles in remarriage.

Lanny's wife

AND

Al's widow

 

Gina's husband

AND

Judy's widower

It somehow doesn't seem quite fair...

And perfectly fair and right. 

In this 12th year of my widowhood,

I am the most content,

    the most happy,

        the most calm,

            the most...settled

I have ever been.

This is my life.

And I love my life,

the good, the bad, and the ugly,

for all have worked together to mold me after my Heavenly Father,

and that is all I desire!

I am a woman greatly blessed by God!!!

This year, above all others,

has proven to me that Romans 8:28 is indeed truth!

And we know [with great confidence] 

that God [who is deeply concerned about us] 

causes all things [even those things which do not seem good]

 to work together for good for those who love God, 

to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.

 

As I pray for my Lanny Love in this 12th year,

as always, I think of my own journey,

and, as always, ask God to give me wisdom and discernment

in walking with him in partnership

through this journey that is remarried widowhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The circle of life...

My birthday in 2023

fell on the day of the funeral for a dear friend,

my Lanny Love's closest male friend.

It was a beautiful service

full of laughter and tears and God.

 

It was not the way I wanted to spend my birthday.

 

But I was thinking about it today for some reason.

Three celebrations of life happened that day.

One of a life ended after a race very well run;

one of a life closer to the end than the beginning;

one of our precious great-grandbaby 

celebrating his first trip around the sun. 

 

Somehow it seems appropriate.

The circle of life.

Beginning, middle, end.

 

It's worth noting that new wounds open old ones,

making them sore and tender.

It's that way in remarriage too.

Big celebrations bring a mix of joy and sadness.

 

It's the circle of life

 

FB Memories

Facebook memories are a blessing.

And a curse.

Sometimes they make me smile.

Sometimes they make me cry good tears.

Sometimes they are downright depressing.

And one never knows which way it will go

until it's too late not to look.

 

There are those days and occasions you never want to forget.

And those you wish you could.

But the ones that "get me" are those which I wish I could,

and might have passed the day without remembering,

except there it was in my memories.

And I'm torn.

Do I turn off that memory?

Say "never show me that again?"

That seems...I don't know, but I never can.

So I look at it,

    remember,

        feel the feels........

 

Early August has one of those days,

the wish I could and almost did forget

but then the FB memory reminded me.

And I admit that it seems to have affected my mood

beyond just that one day.

It ushered in the anticipation of the other memories

that this time of year will bring.

The ones I can't forget and mostly don't want to

because they are oddly precious,

but difficult nonetheless.

 

But this morning I saw a memory that made me smile

and cry good tears.

It reminded me of the great blessings I have been granted,

both past and present.

It was one of those "post a picture" challenges.

My Lanny Love and I hadn't been married very long,

but I posted pictures and told our story over seven days.

The last day post was different.

And today, it reminded me...

I'd like to share it with you.

 

Day 7, Spouse Challenge: Today's post is different. Most of you won't really understand. I pray you never do!

For the past six days, I have told you a bit of my and Lanny's love story. But I've left out a very important detail. You see, our love story does not begin with us. It is not one love story, rather, it is three. Lanny & Gina began many years ago with Lanny & Judy and Al & Gina. Al and Judy helped shape who Lanny and I are. We experienced great love with them. We learned to be spouses, partners, mates under their tutelage. We learned the joys of marriage - and the trials. And we learned the agony of loss, the depth of loneliness. We learned that commitment and love do not end. A fellow widow posted the following excerpt a few days ago: "...They...cannot conceive that love [continues] after a death...death is not the end of true love...That giddy magic which was experienced on a first date, a wedding date, a first child's birth etc does not just disappear. In fact, it is intensified in moments that bring memories colliding with the here and now. With the loss of a spouse you loved, you realize even more just how magical even simple moments were..."

These words are true. But we also learned that, like it or not, life goes on. And that we can choose to make of it what we wish. How glad I am that we chose life over existence!

So while Lanny & Judy and Al &Gina have given way to Lanny & Gina, those other two couples co-exist with us. And we continue to learn from them. I hope you can learn from them too!

Thanks, Al and Judy, for the lessons, for the love, for the years! We love one another as only a couple who has "learned" can and we do so because of you! We remember and love you always!

Thank you, Lanny, for taking the chance! To have experienced such loss and then to give and receive love again is the greatest of gifts! I love you with all my heart! I am so glad you are mine and I am yours!

Today I challenge all of you! Post pictures if you like, but more importantly, I challenge you to love with all your heart, with complete abandon! Appreciate the magic of those special moments! Don't sweat the small stuff - or even the big stuff! If tomorrow doesn't come, believe me, it won't matter! Treat your spouse as you did back in the beginning! Learn from each other! And take what you learn and be a better wife or husband today!

Honestly, I'm not sure what it is I want to say about this.

I just know that it has been a positive reminder for me

as I enter a time fraught with difficult memories

that life all works together,

the good and the bad,

    the easy and the hard,

        the wonderful and the unthinkable,

to be a gorgeous tapestry of unparalleled beauty.

 

May you be reminded too.

 

Be still, and know that I am God...

And we know that for those who love God 

all things work together for good, 

for those who are called according to His purpose...

...to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion--

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit...

                            ~~ Psalm 46:10, Romans 8:28, Isaiah 61:2,3 ~~

 

Praise the Name of The Lord!!!

 

Hello there...

I've been mostly quiet the last couple months.

I've noticed some things about my blog stats

that have made me wonder if it was time

to lay this blog, which is a ministry to which I have felt a call,

to lay it aside,

to see where God may be leading.

So I stopped posting.

 

I found myself still writing blogs in my head

and in my heart.

But I wanted to be sure it was God leading,

Him saying, "I'm not done with Gina's Musings yet."

rather than my own love of writing,

my own experiences begging to be shared,

my own public diary "habit" playing with my mind.

So I waited.

I prayed.

And nearly two months since my last post before today

I feel His persistent nudging that He is not done.

 

I think there will be some changes,

perhaps to venue as well as content.

But maybe not.

I just know God's not done with this ministry.

So there you go.

 

Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
“I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit,
Who leads you in the way you should go.

 

                    ~~ Isaiah 48:17 ~~

Happy Anniversary...

Anniversaries for widowed people are difficult for their friends.

Even for those who have themselves walked widowhood.

 

I never know how to acknowledge it.

"Happy anniversary" isn't right,

they aren't "happy" 

because their anniversary partner isn't here.

Ignoring it isn't right,

that makes them feel even more alone

like their spouse has been forgotten by others.

Acknowledging it the way you did last year isn't right,

each year is so different.

Last year's comfort

is sometimes this year's salt in the wound

and vice versa.

As time goes on,

the day may even finally pass by unnoticed,

and a reminder may be unappreciated.

And yet, one wants the door to remembering conversation

open wide if they choose to walk through it.

Don't make them knock,

they probably won't;

and don't push them through if they don't want to go.

So what is a person to do?

 

This year,

this is my only acknowledgement.

I'm thinking of you, my Love,

I'm praying that this day is filled with

    sweet memories,

        secret smiles,

            sad happiness,

                and profound gratitude for the years you shared

as you commemorate the day.

 

 I remember the days of old; 

I meditate on all Your works; 

I muse on the work of Your Hand.

                ~~ Psalm 143:5 NKJV ~~

 

 

Sometimes it scares me...

Sometimes it scares me

loving him like I do.

 

I knew I loved him almost immediately

and as my love grew and deepened

I knew we would become one

as God intends in marriage.

And sometimes that scares me.

 

Two shall become one

 

I didn't really understand that

until after my Al's death.

I understood and enjoyed

our bodies becoming one

through physical intimacy,

but I did not understand

or even recognize

the becoming one of our souls

until I died when he did.

I have never been revived.

I am, quite simply,

a different person now,

reborn over time.

So I knew that

should I choose to remarry

there would be a physical

AND

a soul "oneness" taking place.

And there has been.

 

But can I be honest?

My Al and I were one.

My Lanny Love and his Judy were one.

I thought that would make it different,

that they would always be there,

between us,

as a buffer against true oneness.

I felt both sad and relieved

by that assumed knowledge.

But I was wrong.

 

In spousal death,

perhaps in all deaths of a loved one

to some degree,

but especially in a spousal death

where by God's decree

the two have become one,

when one of them physically dies

both of their souls die.

And both live on.

One's body is in decay

and their soul in the eternal realm spiritually,

while the other still inhabiting a physical body,

is earth bound and changed by its own death and rebirth -

almost to the degree salvation changes it. 

 

(I am fascinated by the biblical comparison 

between the marriage relationship

and our relationship with God.

This is one of those times I clearly see it.)

 

And yet, that oneness remains

in its completed state

in the earthbound, reborn soul.

I am in completed "oneness"

with my Al.

He is still part of the "me" that has become

since his physical death.

My Lanny Love is in completed "oneness"

with his Judy.

She is still part of the "him" that has become

since her physical death.

And so, rather than buffering our "oneness",

rather than making it more shallow,

they are "one" with us

actually deepening the precious, cherished, priceless

"oneness" that we shared with them

and now with one another.

 

And that is amazingly wonderful!!!

And sometimes, it's exceedingly scary...