Titles

I am in the third quarter of my 12th year,

approaching my 12th anniversary

as a widow.

This week, my Lanny Love observed his 11th anniversary

and entered his 12th year

as a widower.

 

As all of them have,

this year has encompassed

both the expected and the unexpected.

I anticipate a comparable journey for my Lanny Love.

I am surprised by the similarities -

    and the differences -

in the journey of remarried widowhood,

not just between he and I, but generally,

just like widowhood itself.

 

Can I be honest here?

I was a shocked that remarriage

didn't "cure" my widowhood.

Nor did it cure my Lanny Love's.

Nor does it appear to cure that of 

any of my remarried widow friends.

You know the saying 

"once a mother, always a mother"?

It is equally true to say 

"once a widow/widower, always a widow/widower".

That surprised me.

It doesn't seem quite fair to me,

but then what does with widowhood?

 

One of the things that I really struggled with in the beginning

was the Biblical truth that the moment my Al's soul left his body,

I was no longer married.

    I felt married!!!

        I wanted to be married!!!

            But I wasn't married.

Our marriage covenant, 

our contract if you will,

was complete.

I was no longer joined to God as "one" with him,

but was one alone with God.

I remember how angry I was

the first time I received mail addressed to "Ms.",

how devastating it felt

to check that "single" box the first time.

 

So, if "married" ends with death,

why doesn't "widow" end with remarriage?

Because it doesn't!!!

    I still feel widowed.

        I still look around me and don't see my Al.

            I still know I was once married to another.

                I still I love him.

 

Sometimes I ponder that truth, 

that widowhood does not end with remarriage,

quietly, like now.

Sometimes I relish and embrace it for it is proof that he existed.

Sometimes I turn from it, arms crossed,

determined to ignore it.

Sometimes I face it head on

and scream 

"NO!!!!! 

I AM NO LONGER A WIDOW!!!!! 

I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND!!!!!"

Depends on the day, 

    the season of grief, 

        the...who knows.

 

So, what has been different in this 12th year

other than my pondering of my title? 

I think less

"The day Al died"

and more

"The day I became a widow"

about that January day

because my Al is NOT dead,

he is more alive than am I

while I remain a widow.

Perhaps part of the title musing...

perhaps a large part..........

 

There has been increased relief from active grief.

That seems to be a constant over the years.

Each year is a relief over the last,

though the "moments" continue.

The "moments" are different.

And the same.

Every year.

 

But there has also been a mild increase 

in panic attacks this year

which, for me, have been a consistency 

in varying degrees and frequency

since my Al's diagnosis.

 

There has been a return to the constant awareness

that my Al is gone.

That "shadow of death" has returned to my life this year

hovering constantly over my shoulder.

Strangely, it has not brought sadness as in the past,

but a measure of comfort.

This I cannot explain.

 

Both my Lanny Love and I seem to talk even more about

his Judy and my Al recently.

They seem never far from our active thoughts.

I think my increased conversations,

as have his,

started near the anniversary date last year

so maybe it's just a 12th year thing.

 

With remarriage, loneliness ends,

but loneliness for "that person" does not.

That has increased this year.

I miss my Al more again,

miss his quirks,

    his wit,

        his corny jokes,

            his mannerisms,

                his marvelous voice,

                    and the way he uniquely loved me and I him.

Again, unexplainably, rather than sadness,

this missing has brought comfort.

 

Some of these things are probably associated to

having spent the last year

walking with my dearest female friend

through her first year of widowhood.

So many reminders and memories...

But much of it I think is simply part of the cycle of grief.

Grief most definitely softens!!!

The constant anguish of those first couple years

has never returned.

There have been periods,

some of them long, some brief,

but never the perpetual unbrokeness

and never the depth

of those first years.

But neither grief nor widowhood come to an end.

 

And why would we expect it to?

When my child died, I did not cease being his mother.

I still grieve him, wonder...

When my parents died, I did not cease being their daughter.

I still miss them, wonder...

When my husband died,

    while God said I ceased being a wife,

        He replaced that title with "widow" 

            permanently it would seem.

 

I am once again a wife,

belonging solely to my Lanny Love and he to me.

But he is still his Judy's widower,

I am still my Al's widow. 

Somehow, when a divorcee remarries,

they are no longer a divorcee.

But in widowhood, we seem to hold dual titles in remarriage.

Lanny's wife

AND

Al's widow

 

Gina's husband

AND

Judy's widower

It somehow doesn't seem quite fair...

And perfectly fair and right. 

In this 12th year of my widowhood,

I am the most content,

    the most happy,

        the most calm,

            the most...settled

I have ever been.

This is my life.

And I love my life,

the good, the bad, and the ugly,

for all have worked together to mold me after my Heavenly Father,

and that is all I desire!

I am a woman greatly blessed by God!!!

This year, above all others,

has proven to me that Romans 8:28 is indeed truth!

And we know [with great confidence] 

that God [who is deeply concerned about us] 

causes all things [even those things which do not seem good]

 to work together for good for those who love God, 

to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.

 

As I pray for my Lanny Love in this 12th year,

as always, I think of my own journey,

and, as always, ask God to give me wisdom and discernment

in walking with him in partnership

through this journey that is remarried widowhood.