Middle Age

I am a middle aged woman.
So I claim.
You may have seen my formula
justifying my claim
in an earlier post.
Some businesses disagree with my formula
and offer me a senior discount.
I accept the discount
and discount the senior status.
My next birthday
is a "significant" one.
More businesses will offer me a discount.
I will still accept it.
And I will still discount my status as a "senior adult".

That said, I have lived a number of years.
I have lots of, ahem, experience.
But sometimes,
I find that I am still an infant,
still learning the ins and outs of life and living in this fallen world.
As a grown woman,
I still sometimes touch base with my inner two year old,
I stamp my feet and shout

"NO FAIR!!!"

or

"ME DO IT ME-SELF!"

or

"THAT'S MY TOY, DON'T TOUCH IT!"

or

"YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!"

or the myriad of other emotions my two year old self wants to express.

One of the things that my two year old is consistent with

is the past.

She often confuses the past with the present.

She often thinks that because that was the response then,

that will be the response now;

that because that was how she/he behaved,

that is how another she/he will behave.

Now, my two year old experienced a lot of hurt in her young life.

So did my adolescent self.

So did my teen self.

So did my young adult.

And so now,

sometimes,

my middle age self has trouble hearing

over the chatter of all those other selves.

Sometimes my middle aged self

hears what is said

rather than what is meant.

And it can be a problem.

You see,

sometimes my past expectations

confer attributes onto my present circumstances.

And I have to remind myself that my present

and my past

are different.

I have to remind myself that

the people are not the same.

I have to remind myself that

I am not the same!

I'm still learning the new me to some degree.

And this past Sunday,

in the wee hours of the morning,

as I was up reading my Word and praying,

I had an epiphany.

A revelation.

I am important.

Me.

Important.

And more,

I am a gift to my Lanny Love.

He is not merely a gift to me,

I am a gift to him.

In all my quirkiness.

In all my neediness.

In all my brokenness.

in all my talents and gifts -

for I have talents and gifts -

In all my failures.

In all my successes.

In all of who and what I am,

I am God's gift to him.

This is something he has said often

but which I have failed to internalize.

And which I am still struggling to internalize.

Not only to my Lanny Love,

but to my children.

And grandchildren.

And church.

And friends.

And even to some of you who read and relate to this blog.

I am a gift.

And here's the other part of that epiphany.

It's sinful for me not to recognize that,

not to accept that,

not to internalize it!

It diminishes intimacy with my friends and family.

It confers the past onto them if I fail to recognize my worth

because of the words and actions of "then"

and that is grossly unfair!

And most importantly,

it diminishes my God!

For God created me!

Just as I am.

Just as He intended.

And He gave me to these people of my life.

And when I take the gift He has given them

and bang it on the ground,

scratching and denting the surface,

cracking and crumbling the internal workings,

I am saying that He did it wrong!

So, as we all do,

I continue to learn.

I continue to grow as a person

and as a Christian.

I won't always do "it" right.

And neither will "they".

Because, though God created us in perfection,

mankind chose his own way

and imperfection invaded us.

But God works within the bounds we have given ourselves.

And He is working within me.

And I am grateful!

May I never squander the gifts He has given me -

nor the gifts He has given others in me.

May you see your own importance

as a gift of God to your people,

and may you never squander or diminish

His placement of you in their lives.

May we all learn to enjoy the person He created in us!

So go eat your food and enjoy it;

drink your wine and be happy,

because that is what God wants you to do.

Put on nice clothes

and make yourself look good.

Enjoy life with the wife [husband] you love...

...enjoy the work you do here on earth.

Whatever work you do,

[wherever God places you],

do your best...

                                                                 ~~ Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 NCV ~~