I know someone...

I have a ministry.

Grief.

I feel called to this,

compelled to talk about it.

I do a fair amount of one-on-one grief counseling.

I co-facilitate grief groups with my Lanny Love.

And many of the posts in this blog talk about grief.

They talk about the experience of grief,

widowed grief in particular,

and what it looks like to walk through it.

They talk about grief being the price of love.

Not all of them are grief focused,

but many.

This one will also address grief,

but the other side of it.

 

I know someone who is a grief expert.

No, she is not a grief counselor,

she has simply suffered significant losses to death.

That really does make you an expert!

 

But this woman does not use her grief expertise

to help others heal,

rather, she has embraced grief,

made it who and what she is.

For years, she has been grief stricken

to the point of being incapacitated.

She rarely leaves her home.

She has few relationships,

just her children, grandchildren, and one sister.

She has wrapped herself in a cocoon of misery

and refused to come out,

spread her wings,

and fly!

 

She deeply and truly believes that

her grief is deeper, more profound than anyone else's.

Relationship does not matter.

She lost a brother.

Her grief was deeper than that of her parents'.

She lost a father.

Her grief was deeper than that of her siblings or mother.

She lost a brother.

Her grief was deeper than that of her siblings, his children, his widow.

I know this to be true because I have heard her say this.

 

She has taken this grief

and wrapped it around her like a blanket,

layer after layer.

Thick, heavy quilts,

weighing her down,

suffocating her,

snuffing her very life out,

leaving behind only grief.

 

She has been this way for many years.

 

Her grief has beget children.

Bitterness.

Anger.

Resentment.

Loss of faith.

Abandonment.

 

THIS IS NOT HOW WE ARE TO GRIEVE!

THIS IS NOT THE PRICE OF LOVE!

 

In the beginning,

that cocoon of grief is hard and unyielding 

and you need it.

It is your protection in many ways.

It keeps your loved one closer in the short term.

It keeps out the noise that might distract you from the work at hand -

because grief is hard, hard work!

But eventually,

the worm of grief begins to morph!

The weeping memories begin to make you smile!

The light of outside begins to creep in through that chrysalis

as it thins in preparation for new life.

At first, you close your eyes hard,

cover them with your fists against the light.

But little by little,

your fingers begin to spread

and you begin to peek through them at the light.

You start to wonder what might be out there.

 

You look back at the hard cocoon

and realize it was painful!

You look around you and discover

the love of your life, your mother, your child

is still gone.

You haven't preserved them at all!

 

You begin to feel uncomfortable and cramped.

You try to shift, 

to make your place of safety feel better.

But you can't.

You notice that the cocoon is getting thinner

and you fully open your eyes and look out.

You consider trying to come up with a way

to add another layer,

block out the light once again 

but only closing your eyes tightly,

covering them with your fists will do it

from inside.

And your eyeballs begin to hurt from the pressure!

 

You try to shift once again.

You can't.

So you poke at the chrysalis with one small finger,

just a little poke,

and it flexes just a bit.

You poke again.

And again.

And again.

And suddenly it gives

and a tiny little hole appears.

The light is much brighter now

and you find yourself straining toward it.

You look back to be sure -

is your companion, grief,

following you?

It is.

Is your loved one's memory still there?

It is! It is!

Is your love for them still intact?

It is! It is! It is!

 

So you strain just a bit more.

And the hole widens!

You feel warmth!

You hear life out there!

You stop looking to see if grief is following you.

You stop checking to see if your loved one's memory is still as close.

You only know MUST get out or die!

 

You wiggle!

You squirm!

You push!

You pull back,

gather steam,

push again!

And finally you break through!!!

You look around you at the vivid colors!

You inhale deeply of the sweet scents!

You tilt your ear toward the sound of music!

And slowly, a smile begins to form!

But midway through, it abruptly stops.

You drop your head in remembrance of the beloved left behind.

 

Suddenly, movement from the corner of your eye!

You glance.

Shocked, you look fully and gape 

in awe and wonder at what you see!

There he is!

The one you thought you selfishly left behind 

so you could be in the light. 

There he is!

More vibrant, 

more vivid, 

more alive in your memory

than he ever was in the cocoon of grief!

Because, you see,

 

LOVE ISN'T ABOUT GRIEF AND PAIN AND LOSS!!!

IT IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP AND MEMORIES!!!

IT IS ABOUT THE THINGS YOU DID TOGETHER

AND THE THINGS YOU WILL DO IN HIS PLACE!!!

GRIEF IS THE PRICE OF LOVE

BUT IT IS NOT A LIFETIME SENTENCE!!!

 

Yes, you can choose to stay in your cocoon as my acquaintance has

but that takes even more work than breaking out!

Do not choose to make a life of grief!

Grieve, most certainly! 

You must! 

You cannot avoid it!

To do so means leaving your cocoon too soon

with devastating consequences!

But to stay permanently is sure death of your innermost being!

 

There is life after grief!

There will always be those moments

when the cocoon will try to wrap you once again.

But they are moments,

not a life!

You will NOT forget!!!

You will NOT stop loving - ever!!!

But there is life after grief!

 

Please! Please! Please!

Make the most of the time God has given you,

the LIFE God has given you!

Honor Him,

honor your loved one!

There IS a "happily ever after"

in a format unique to each of us!!!

Let God give it to you!!!

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven...

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

 

                                              ~~ Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 ~~

 

 

Listening, talking, and (shudder) self-discipline

 

 

 

 

 "Many people think they are listening 

when in fact they are simply talking a break from talking - 

pausing to reload their verbal guns."

 

~~ Gary Chapman,

The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional  ~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

My daughter, Aleisha, is an extraordinary listener.

For the past nearly seven years

I have watched in fascination at her skill.

When Aleisha is conversing with you,

there is no one else in the room.

 

She was already a youth minister when we met

and she became mine.

I would watch her after church,

this very popular and much loved young woman,

who often had a line of people,

young and old,

waiting for audience.

I don't think she was aware of that.

Her focus was so completely

on the person to whom she was listening,

and to whom she occasionally commented or replied,

that she was basically unaware of anything else going on around her.

It didn't matter the "importance"

of the people waiting to speak with her,

the person in front of her

was the most important person in the room!

I am not a good listener.

I used to think I was 

because I was very shy

and didn't speak much,

but my mind was not focused

on the person speaking,

it was focused on what I might reply,

or worse,

what someone across the room was doing,

why so-and-so wasn't there,

and so on.

As I began to overcome my shyness

I began to realize that I was not a good listener - 

at all! -

I was only a good non-interrupter,

and I began to not even be that! 

On Christmas day, Aleisha and I were talking about her gift.

I wondered how she did it,

was it a gift or a learned behavior

and if learned, how.

We talked a lot that afternoon

and decided it was a combination of the two -

and discipline.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate that word?

Discipline

It's not a pretty word.

It doesn't look pretty.

It doesn't feel good on your tongue.

It's especially offensive when paired with the word "self".

 

Self-discipline takes intentionality.

Self-discipline requires choosing to do something differently.

Self-discipline takes practice.

A lot of practice!

 

I had to wonder to myself,

"Exactly how much do you want to be a better listener?"

Because, the more I have thought about it over the years,

the more I have realized I not only am not good at it,

I'm downright bad at it.

In every area, not just conversation.

 

My mind is a pin-ball machine,

bouncing and pinging from one thing to the next quickly

and without direction.

It pinged a lot in school.

It pings during sermons and Sunday School.

Even when I am watching TV

or at a movie

or reading a really good book,

💥Ping!

Ping!💥

💥Ping!

And it pings during conversations.

 

I learned to refocus at school -

albeit, half-heartedly.

I learned to bring my mind back to Sunday School,

and to church.

Sometimes, if the television show or movie or book

is really interesting,

I bring it back to those -

though more often than not,

I must move away from those things for a minute or two

to make it happen.

But I have not learned to bring it back

to focusing completely on

what the other person in a conversation is saying to me!

And that is a HUGE failure!!!

AND, it is just plain rude!!!

So here I go

on another walk with God

as He teaches me that what they are saying

is far more important than how I should respond.

That they are more important in that moment

than who else wants to speak with me

or who else I want to talk to and am afraid of missing

or who else just walked in

or what I should make for dinner

or............

anything else in that moment!

 

It will take prayer. 

It will take concentrated effort.

It will take self-discipline.

It will be worth it!

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. 

~~ Proverbs 18:13 ~~

 

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

~~ Proverbs 18:2 ~~

 

Nine years.....

Nine years.

Nine full years.

Nine infinitely long years.

Nine of the fastest years of my life.

Nine years since my Al went Home.

 

As I complete this ninth year as Al’s widow,

I can’t help but think of how different it was from the eight before it –

and how different it is from those to come.

Each is different.

Each is the same.

 

My grief has settled into its lifetime state I think.

Most of my days are filled with laughter and joy.

They are filled with what has become normal.

A different normal,

no longer new normal,

simply normal.

 

In the beginning, there was only

anguish,

confusion,

loneliness,

loss,

poor choices,

forgetfulness,

grief…

Then came the quiet stillness, just me and God…

Then fearful obedience to His guidance…

A few pigs, a few frogs, a couple friends, then my Lanny Love.

 

As I look back, I marvel!

At God and His handiwork!

No doubt, those of you who have walked with me marvel as well!

 

But I am still my Al’s widow.

And today is still hard.

I still miss him.

I still love him.

This fact does not negate what I have.

And what I have does not negate this fact.

 

I have learned some things in this journey.

I have been refined.

It has been the hard way!!!

But it has been God’s way!

 

Some of the things I have learned about widowed grief:

 

❤The “firsts” don’t end with the first year.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild took a February bride.

It is hard to think that he did not even know

our precious new granddaughter.

He would have loved her!

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

we found out our first great-grandchild would arrive this coming April

that he would be a boy.

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild realized a lifelong dream,

graduating from the Police Academy

and becoming a first responder hero.

I can see him in my mind,

beaming with pride!

My Al was not here to celebrate this great dream realization with him –

or with me.

 

Each year has had a first.

I imagine each coming year will as well -

I know that, in 2 ½ months,

there will be a “first” in this tenth year when

he will not be here to hold sweet baby Grayson

in his giant arms.

He adored his grandchildren!

Now I – and they - can only imagine how excited he would be.

He will not be here to celebrate with them,

                                or with me.

Each "first" squeezes my heart with longing.

Sometimes it is painful.

 

❤I have learned you can’t prepare.

 

I foolishly thought I could prepare for hard days.

But sometimes the ones I think will be hard aren’t

and sometimes the ones I don’t see coming

knock me on my face.

 

❤I have learned that January will probably always be hard

along with his birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Days.

But January 28^th might not be.

Or it might be excruciating.

And I can’t know which way it will go until I get there.

So might any given Tuesday.

           For no reason at all.

 

I have learned so many things through widowhood -

it would take a book to list them all!

Some of them are hard, sad things.

Things I would never have guessed.

Some thrill me to no end.

 

But the greatest thing I have learned through widowhood is this:

 

God is faithful!

God is loving!

God is kind!

God knows what is best for me!

God knows what He is doing!

 

Given His knowledge and foresight

would I have allowed my life to play out as it has?

No, very likely, a resounding no!

I would have avoided the pain - all the pain!

Given my own hindsight

am I glad He is in control

and has guided my life as He has?

Without doubt!

It is good we don’t know what is coming for the most part

not just because we couldn't bear to know of the coming pain,

but because if we changed it,

while we would miss the pain,

            we would also miss the refinement,

                        the growth,

                                    and a lot of the joys

that result from the pain as well -

if we let God work.

 

Today, I miss my Al deeply.

I long to see him,

talk with him,

hold his hand,

kiss his face,

hear him sing,

        see his pride in the great young men

                                                      our grandsons have become,

see him adoring our granddaughter,

loving our new granddaughter,

            loving me…

 

Today, I long to pick up his tea bag off the counter

and put it in the trash,

would give anything to be annoyed by…

…whatever indiscretion that foolishly bothered me back then.

 

Today, I wish it had not taken death to realize

the folly of my annoyance.

 

                  Today, I will remember…

                                                              so much…..

 

And today, I will give myself grace,

I will allow the longing and sorrow that means

I have been blessed with a great, unending love

for the man who was my husband for 37 years.

I will sit at his gravesite

and talk with him,

likely shed some tears.

And I will not feel guilty.

Because I have learned

that there is no guilt in true love!

 

As I walk into this tenth year,

I anticipate it will be different.

Because each one is.

There will be some hard days.

Because there always are.

And there will be an abundance of happy days.

Because in the last several,

there always have been.

 

I will continue to learn about widowhood

and grief

and life.

I will continue to learn about

the sovereignty of God.

 

Praise Him forever and forever!

 

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows

~~ Isaiah 53:4 ~~

 

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you,

I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~~Isaiah 41:10 ~~

 

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.

~~ Zephaniah 3:17 ~~

 

He will swallow up death forever,

and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.

~~ Isaiah 25:8 ~~