Then and now...

It is just after 5am as I type this

and in just under twelve hours,

at 4:59 pm, 

I will close my thirteenth year of widowhood

and open my fourteenth. 

 

This past fall, my Facebook page,

as it often does,

showed me a "then" photo

and invited me to add a "now" comparison.

So I did, just because,

with no intention of posting it. 

And I didn't post it.

But it made me pause

and I knew it would become a blog,

I just didn't know when. 

 

The "then" photo was one of the last out-of-bed photos

my Al and I took together.

I remember the night we took it.

We were on the rooftop at 

Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Phoenix, AZ.

It was a warm evening, light breeze.

We had spent the day doing "treatments".

It was an unusual evening in that 

he was not too exhausted and sick

to enjoy an evening adventure. 

 

We looked at the stars, the lights of the city;

we talked about...so many things!

We talked about our lives together,

past, present, and future.

We talked about treatment and how it was going.

We talked.

It was one of the last times we were able to have a "date".

It is a cherished memory.

 

The "now" photo was taken on a 2025 fall symphony date.

My Lanny Love and I had dinner out,

ran into one of our daughters, granddaughter, and a friend.

It was an evening of lovely music and wonderful company.

 

It made me think about my "then" and "now" life.

So much has changed!!!

Very little remains the same!

My "circle" is different, 

    I look different,

        I feel different,

            my personality has changed, 

                I live differently, 

                    I am married to a different man............ 

It confirmed my 

    before Al's death/after Al's death

        life division.

The blending of two lives,

both of them mine. 

 

Widowhood and grief have taken on a "sameness" now.

That is good.

Normal is no longer "new" which means it is actually normal again.

That is good.

I still experience periods of deep sadness and sorrow.

That is because I still love.

I mostly experience deep joy and absolute contentment.

That is very good!

It's the way of spousal grief,

or at least it has been for me.

 

I miss him, my Al.

I miss his sense of humor.

I miss his brilliance.

I miss his preaching. 

I miss his beautiful singing voice and singing with him.

I miss how well he knew me after 37 years of marriage

and 42 of "couplehood".

I miss...so much. 

I miss him.

I always will miss him.

 

I have given myself permission this week, to grieve what was.

I will share lunch with him today,

very likely something I totally should not eat

because he loved junk food.

 

I have also given myself permission to enjoy what is.

It seems strange to me that all this time later

I still have to do that from time-to-time.

 

As I sit in the dimness of this thirteenth anniversary morning,

the fire is warming the living room where I am cozied up in my chair.

Candles are glowing softly.

My Lanny Love is sleeping soundly,

one of the cats curled up next to him in the warm spot I left behind.

The dog has come out to be sure I'm not going to cook and has gone back to bed.

The other cat is curled comfortably on the hassock in front of the fire, 

purring contentedly. 

And the shadow of the last year seems to have lifted from my soul.

 

I look at this "then and now" photo

and I see sadness and joy.

I see great love.

I see great blessing.

I see a blending of two lives,

both of them mine,

and I am grateful! 

 

Happy heaven anniversary, honey!