Honestly, it's such a weird year!

It really is!

 

It's "my month".

And the grief is heavier this year.

And lighter.

 

Or maybe I'm handling the "heavy" differently.

Or maybe it's heavier for a different reason 

I don't know,

but it's weird.

 

All of 2025 I grieved more,

was more aware of my Al's absence,

cried more than I had in a while.

I was NOT looking forward to January!

And here it is, dreaded January...

no tears, just heavy awareness.

 

Night before last was the night I have felt guilt over

for 13 Januaries starting with the offending one

where I broke my promise to keep him home to die.

And this year, the night passed and I didn't remember

until yesterday.

In the space of less than a second,

I felt relief at the sign of a heart continuing its healing journey

and crushing guilt that I had forgotten an important day in his walk Home.

    I hadn't gone to his gravesite.

        I hadn't rehearsed - again - in my mind,

        the reasons in-patient hospice was the right choice. 

            I hadn't wept at my "felt" betrayal.

PLEASE!!!

In a grief journey,

please,

never forget,

feelings are not facts!!!

Or in any journey for that matter. 

 

It made me wonder about the heaviness of the last year.

How many other things about the "walking Al home"

did my heart remember but my mind did not.

I know for certain of at least two times

because a day or two later I would think

"Ahh, that's why I was so sad that day!"

 

This is something in my grief journey I did not anticipate at this point.

False-guilt over healing.

I experienced a lot of that in the first few years.

    "HOW cqn you smile!?!?!?" 

        "HOW can you wish it would just stop hurting for a minute!?!?!?!

        The pain is what connects you to him!!!" 

            "HOW can you WANT to move forward, live live 

            when he isn't here to live it with you!?!?!?!"

                "HOW in the world can you even THINK about remarriage!?!?!?"

                    "YOU KISSED ANOTHER MAN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" 

But the last several years have been false-guilt free.

Except for in-patient hospice day.

And that always initiated a sense of false-guilt and betrayal.

Yes, I always call it false-guilt

because that's what it is.

 

I follow a fellow griever on FB, Gary Sturgis,

Who is me from a male perspective

(except more faithful to posting).

https://www.facebook.com/SurvivingGriefGarySturgis 

He has just commemorated the 12th anniversary

of his beloved wife's death.

I made the following comment on his recent post,

"Reflections of a Griever".

 

I will hit the 13th anniversary in 15 days. 

I am joyfully, happily remarried to a widower 

who commemorated his 12th anniversary in September. 

You are right. Grief softens. It changes. 

It morphs into - dare I say it? - a friend. 

We talk often about our co-beloveds - 

I use that term because we don't love each other instead of them, 

we love each other in addition to them. 

It is a rare day one or both of their names are not mentioned. 

There are no days they are not thought about. 

Grief and happiness CAN co-exist! Work THROUGH your grief. 

And don't plan to retire from it. 

But accept the promotions it offers as time goes on. 

 

Those last two lines,

 

And don't plan to retire from it. 

But accept the promotions it offers as time goes on. 

 

That right there is my "take away" for this post!

And I think I will be accepting this "forgetting" promotion moving forward.