Preambles and caveats

I've been thinking about this for a while.
About two years.
I think I'm ready.

A while back,
someone commented to me that,
while they were glad I am happy,
glad that the anguish of active grief had abated, 
it bothered them a little bit that I appear happier now
than I was with Al.
To be honest, it was not a new concept.
It bothered me too.

I remember the first time I thought that.
I was shocked!
How could I possibly even be happy,
nevermind happier!!!
My husband was dead!
I should never be happy again!

The passing of constant active grief
is a confusing time.
I will tell you that,
even while choosing joy,
as happiness began to appear,
I hid much of it.
It felt like letting him go a bit more if I was happy.
Active grief kept him near.

It's funny.
In the beginning,
after the numbness,
came the anguish
and I frantically searched for anything to make it stop!
It was too much!
More than I could bear!
There were times I literally thought I was dying.
The pain was physical!
It was emotional!
It was mental!
It was all-encompassing!

But all my frantic searching,
all my running away from home,
all my attempts to fill the empty spot,
none of it helped.
The hole could not -
and cannot -
be filled.

And so I stopped.
I became still.
I listened for that still small voice.
I waited on God.
And slowly, slowly,
joy returned.
I began to know peace.
Began to accept.
This was my life.
This was the new me.
And I could live with that.

Then it happened.
Laughter.
Genuine, belly hurting, tears flowing, laughter.
New Year's Eve 2014.
And it felt so good!!!
It wasn't just joy,
it was happy.
And fun.
And I enjoyed it immensely.
For a couple days.
Then the guilt set in.
And the renewed sense of loss.
And God spoke!

"It's okay to be happy again!

I want that for you!

I have a plan to make it happen!"

You see, our joy comes from God.

But happiness, that's different.

That has to do with our circumstances.

And my circumstances hadn't changed,

my Al was still dead.

But I had changed.

Healing had begun to take place.

The scab that had formed had begun to fall off,

leaving an ugly scar,

still tender to touch,

but no longer excrutiatingly painful.

No longer bleeding with every bump.

And I felt guilty for being happy,

even for that moment in time.

But it happened again,

laughter.

Happiness in the moment.

It began to happen regularly.

And I began to welcome it.

Internally.

And carefully display it externally.

Because it somehow felt disrespectful.

I often still find myself in that spot,
particularly in my new marriage.
If I am thrilled with my Lanny Love -
which I am always -
and publicly post my delight in this gift of God,
I somehow feel obligated to also mention Al,
even if in a round-about way.
You know,

"I am so blessed to have this wonderful second opportunity!"

"I love the chapter 2 God has given me!"

"I have been blessed to have twice what many never have once!" 

These are true statements!

And sometimes they need to be said!

But sometimes I just want to brag on my Lanny Love

and on my God for giving him to me!

But I feel disloyal if I do.

I worry that people will misunderstand,

think I'm "over" Al,

think I don't miss him.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I worry that my children or grandchildren or sisters-in-love

might come to resent my Lanny Love

if I don't provide the caveat.

The flip side of that is that

I worry that if I say that I love and miss my Al

without saying how much I love my Lanny Love

and how grateful I am to be married to him,

he will be hurt, 

or my bonus children will think I look at him as less than Al,

or that our friends will wonder if there are problems in our marriage

or if, in fact, we were ready to get married at all.
Nothing could be further from the truth.

So, here I am,

caught between two lives,

between the "before" and the "after".

Because everything is one of the two. 

What's a girl to do?

Well, a scripture came to my mind the other day.

But most of all, my brothers and sisters, 

never take an oath, by heaven or earth or anything else. 

Just say a simple yes or no, 

so that you will not sin and be condemned.

~~ James 5:12 NCV 

Please don't misunderstand!

Most assuredly,

I am taking this out of context!

Neither this Scripture,

nor the similar one found in Matthew 5:37

have a single, solitary thing to do with the subject at hand.

But, as so often it does,

God's Word made me think about this struggle of mine -

for it is a struggle to feel obligated to balance myself

and to protect everyone! -

and made me realize that this feeling of obligation to...

protect...

dishonors God who gave me both of my wonderful husbands,

each for the season He determined,

and who expects that I should honor Him with truthfulness at all times

and in all things

and let Him protect the hearts of others!

I should say what I mean!

Without preamble.

Without caveat.

Exactly what I mean.

I am not lying when I add statements.

But I am in an attitude of deceptiveness.

Because when I am feeling love for and missing my Al,

I am loving and missing my Al.

When I am grateful for and expressing my love for my Lanny Love,

I am loving on him!

And while they co-exist,

and always will,

to add the other to my feelings of love, loss, and/or gratitude

that I feel led to share

is actually dishonoring to the one I'm really talking about. 

God has been so good to me!

And it's quite okay for me to brag on just how good!

I can say that I loved being married to Al -

because I did!

And I can say that I love being married to my Lanny Love -

because I do!

And, as was observed,

I am happier now than I was.

But that is not because Al is less than,

that is because God lovingly brought me through very, very dark waters,

and He taught me many things during that near-drowning experience.

I am different now!

I am happier because I have changed!

I recognize the folly of many things that I made important back then.

I recognize the great blessing of a wonderful, godly husband.

I recognize the gifts God has given me!

I have repented and, 

with God's help,

I am a better wife!

I am happier,

because God has refined me!

So no more caveats, 

no more preambles

from me!

I will brag on God

and whichever of my blessings

I am feeling particularly grateful for -

or the loss I am feeling more keenly -

on any given day!

Without guilt!

From this day forward!

For God is good!

He has richly blessed me!