Grief in remarriage

Today is January 20.

It is my sister's and brother-in-love's

46th wedding anniversary.

It is the 8th anniversary of the death

of my sweet, young friend's husband.

It is eight days until the 11th anniversary

of my Al's death.

 

My friend, who remarried a few years ago,

and I were chatting this morning.

She made the comment that she

didn't know how to grieve in remarriage.

She commented that her precious husband

didn't know what to do or say to make it better.

 

The answer to what can he do is nothing.

Nothing really makes it better.

Like most men, he wants to make it better.

He loves her so much and she him

and he just wants to fix it for her.

But, honestly, the only thing he can do to make it better

is to listen and be there and love her through it.

 

So how exactly does one grieve in remarriage?

Well, you just do.

That is the answer.

Like all grief, 

    there isn't a right way or a wrong way,

        you just do.

 

In some ways, remarriage makes special days harder.

Almost 

"How DARE I be happy when my beloved is dead!"

Here's the thing -

    and I know this sounds cold-hearted but sometimes facts are -

        the thing is,

            if I am not happy,

                if my sweet, young friend is not happy,

                    our beloved first husbands

                        are no less dead.

 

I cannot imagine that my happiness

would bring anything other than joy to my Al!

 

There is no honor in misery.

 

There is no honor in not loving.

I love my Al.

I cannot, and would not, change that.

My Lanny Love loves his Judy.

I cannot, and would not, change that.

Nor would he.

My friend loves her first husband.

I cannot, and would not, change that.

Nor would she.

Grief in remarriage is complicated.

And exceedingly simple.

I love them both.

He loves us both.

She loves them both.

We miss them and sometimes are extraordinarily sad. 

The Bible is clear that we are to love as Christ loves.

That is unendingly,

    without caveat,

        in life, and in death.

 

My advise to her this morning was to

    feel her feelings,

        talk about her beloved,

            remember.

Hold him closer for a while.

And at the same time hold her second beloved close.

Because she knows!

She knows the value - and the cost - of great love.

 

It occurs to me that those who are widowed and remarried

are married to very blessed people!

I loved and honored my Al well in life 

    and love and honor him well in death.

I love and honor my Lanny Love GREAT

    because I KNOW!

 

I know.............