Trust

I am sitting alone
at our dining room table
eating lunch
and praying for safety
and health
for my Lanny Love
and bonus son, Zach
as they take a father/son
ski trip.
And in this month of
remembered loss
I am struggling
to trust God
with these two men
so precious to me.

It has been a busy time

since my last post.

We have finally purchased

and moved into

"our" house.

Not his.

Not mine.

Ours.

And for the first time since

July of 2012 when

my Al and I left

the home we had shared

for more than 20 years,

I feel like I am home.

Not in the house where

I took my Al to die.

Not an intruder

in the house 

made into a home

by another woman.

Ours.

I finally feel at home.

Until today.

A bit more than an hour ago,
my Lanny Love and I
stood outside our home
in each others' arms,
praying for travel and ski safety and health

for them,

and peace and trust in God

for me 

as I spend the next few days alone.
We kissed one another,
Zach and I hugged,
they climbed in the car,
and backed out of the driveway.

I admit it.

I had to restrain myself

from chasing after them,

from running down the side of the house

to the front of the house

where I could watch the car

for as long as possible.

But instead,

I turned and went in the house.

And it no longer felt like home.

It's just a lovely house

without my Lanny Love

to make it a home.

Today is not the first time
I have been alone in this house.
Often,
my Lanny Love spends several hours
at his office at the church.
Occasionally,
he will run an errand
while I stay home.
But this is the first time
since our marriage
13 1/2 months ago
that we will go to bed tonight
without kissing one another good night,
saying "sleep well".
It is the first time
we will arise in the morning
and not smile to see one another,
not kiss good morning,
not share a cup of coffee.
It feels different.

As I think back on those other Januarys,

those impassioned prayers,

the begging,

for healing,

restoration,

togetherness,

as I remember the

"No, My child, not this time"

fear-

no, panic -

overtakes me.
And I struggle to trust
that he will come home.
And that if my impassioned pleas
for that are denied,
I will be okay
because God is in control.

It's interesting

that just this past Monday,

at our monthly gathering 

of members of our ministry group,

our speaker spoke on trust.

Loosely translated,

we trust our phones.

We trust our deodorant.

We trust our bank.

We trust our electric company.

But we often fail to trust our God.

Especially with our families.

(From Lisa Blake, Executive Director, Leadership Canyon; City Council Member)

So, we are settled in at last,
and I am back to blogging.
And for the next four days,
my Lanny Love and Zach
are on a ski adventure.
And just a little over an hour ago,
I began again
a trust adventure
with God.

May I prove worthy of Him!

 When I am afraid,

I will trust You.

I praise God for His Word.

I trust God, so I am not afraid.

                                            ~~ Psalm 56:3,4 NCV

But the person who trusts in the Lord will be blessed.

The Lord will show [her] that He can be trusted.

                                      ~~ Jeremiah 17:7