Trust - Part 2

I have never been a worrier.
I used to tell
my late husband, Al
that I didn't need to
that he worried enough for both of us.
But after his diagnosis
and death
I became a worrier.
Fearful for the safety and health of my loved ones.

January has always been hard for me.
Even before Al's January death,
the bleakness,
the after-Christmas let down
caused me to struggle with depression.
But since...
Oy Vey!!!
And so the timing of this trip was not good.
Or maybe it was!
It has forced me to face the hard truth!

Over the last couple of weeks
I have realized that I don't trust my God.
An unpleasant dawning
since I thought I had resolved that!
But my fear for my Lanny Love
has shown me otherwise.

Saturday night,
I wept in his arms
as my Lanny Love
whispered quiet assurance
and encouragement to me.
All through the night
I tossed and turned and prayed.
I battled with my lack of trust,
my fear.


I thought about those Januarys.
Those two.
The loss ones where the pain was unending.
And then I remembered another January.
The one in 2015.
Two years ago.

You see,
on Christmas Eve 2014,
I had a meltdown.
At work.
It was all just suddenly too much.

Too much loss.

Too much grief.

Too much pain.

Too much.

I fell apart.
And I knew.
Something had to be done.
I could not go on as I had been.

And so,
that January,
I began disciplining myself to
choose joy
even if my circumstances
dictated differently.

Many of you were there in those days.
You read as I learned to choose joy.
Many times a day I had to choose it
before it became natural.


Trusting God is the same thing!
I have to choose to do so!
Through the day
yesterday and today,
I have continually prayed
and released my Lanny Love,
and the rest of those people
who are precious to me,
back to Him.


And just as I discovered
in that other January
that choosing joy
led to happiness,
I have discovered today
that choosing trust
leads to peace.



It is not easy to choose!
It takes practice,
discipline.
Just as it did the January of choosing Joy.
It is an act of the will,
choosing to trust!

I so choose!

"The fear of man lays a snare,

but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe."

                                  ~~ Proverbs 29:25 ESV