Happy Valentine's Day???

Be forewarned! Blogging is a place of honesty for me! Mostly, I am happy and upbeat. I look for and find silver linings. But sometimes, I just need to process the yuck. This is one of those posts!

I am not enjoying Valentine's Day!!! I am missing two men. Desperately. I miss my precious Al!!! He has been gone one year, two weeks, and three days. Today, the missing him wound is wide open, raw, bleeding profusely! I spent a considerable amount of time at the cemetery today in enough anguish that several came to ask if I was okay. One precious lady knelt beside me as I sobbed and cried, praying and quoting scripture. I miss him so much!!! I love him so much!!! He is still such a part of me!!! I am mostly living again, moving forward with my life. Have begun dating. But always, there he is. Still my husband! Still the love of my life! Still the one person I miss most! Still the one person I most long for! Widowhood is a strange state. You are no longer married, nor are you single. I think remarriage is the only cure for this awkward, emotionally charged feeling! At least I hope remarriage cures it rather than making me feel like a bigamist!

I am also missing my now ex-boyfriend. As my daughters say, my rebound love. But I did - do - love him. And that he is no longer a part of my life really hurts. I have cried over him today too. The break up was painful, but absolutely necessary. There will be no reconciliation. Ever. But still, the love for him, the loss..... When I'm still feeling the loss of Al so keenly. No, it has not been a good Valentine's Day!!!

But, nothing has really changed after all! Al is still gone and is never coming back! He still wanted me to date, find God's choice for this second half of my life. And, I have learned that I can love again. I really didn't think I could! So, I'm getting back on that horse!!! Christian Mingle and E-Harmony accounts have been reopened! And anyone out there reading this in my area that has the perfect, most fantastic man that is just waiting for me - well for goodness sake, fix us up!!!

God closed the door on Al. Firmly!!! He has closed the door on Harlan. Just as firmly!!! So, while I will likely go cry myself to sleep tonight, I do so with hope! With the sure knowledge that life can - and will - be good again! Because no matter what, God is my center! And God is good! All the time!