Milestone Birthdays

Today is my Al's birthday.

His 70th.

Monday was Lanny's Judy's.

Her 75th.

Milestone birthdays.

 

For me,

birthdays are the hardest of the remembrance days.

Harder than our wedding anniversary.

Harder than "hospice day"

    (which also was this week).

Harder than "D-day". 

Harder than the other holidays.

Harder even than the day he died anniversary.

I've pondered that over the years

and have decided that it is because

birthdays are the celebration of earthly life

and are, therefore, a stark reminder that that life is over.

That's what I've decided. 

 

Milestone birthdays are even harder.

 

I woke this morning and changed my Facebook cover photo

to one of Al on our last vacation.

I wanted to write something

but the words wouldn't come.

My mind was zooming around the memories so fast,

my heart feeling the feels that come with them,

and nothing came through my fingers.

The same thing happened on Monday for Judy's milestone.

Even though we never met, 

I feel as though I knew her and I grieve her. 

The same on Wednesday, hospice day.

But I feel compelled to try.

 

I admit,

I thought that by the 13th birthday since he died,

surely there would be no pain.

Sadness, sure.

Sense of ongoing loss, absolutely.

But surely...surely no pain.

I was wrong.

 

Maybe it's the milestone.

Maybe it's just one of those blindsides that come.

I don't know, but there is pain.

My heart hurts.

My tummy is queasy.

I feel exhausted.

 

I've heard the stories of Lanny's Judy's birthdays.

She liked to celebrate!

Hers and those of others!

Lanny says she would have wanted a party

for this milestone birthday! 

 

My Al loved being the center of attention,

feeling celebrated.

And he loved celebrating his people. 

We always made a big deal of birthdays in our home.

He'd have wanted a party for this milestone birthday! 

 

Maybe it's the lack of parties. 

I made a birthday cupcake with candles on Monday...

            but it wasn't enough.

Tonight, there will be chocolate cream pie...

            I suspect it won't be enough.

 

Enough would be watching them enjoy the cake and pie. 

 

Happy birthday, Judy.

Happy birthday, Alfie.

I miss you!!!