It doesn't hurt any more...

It startled me, the realization.

When did it stop, I wondered.

I thought back and I think the last time it was truly painful

    was more than 15 months ago

        when I met our great-grandson for the first time.

 

Due to the death of my friend's husband,

    seeing her pain,

        walking that similar path with her,

            the wound has been salty lately,

but it hasn't left me in a personal puddle of tears and pain

    as it has in the past when even simple acquaintances

        lost their husbands.

I wonder if it would be so

    were I not so joyously remarried.

I'll never know for sure.

I just know that it did for a long time after remarriage

    and now it doesn't.

 

A post from a dear fellow remarried-widow friend (Rachel Moore)

on this, the 11th anniversary of her widowhood,

made me think about it.

And then this afternoon I heard "our" song and

    it didn't make me stop in my tracks to listen,

        sing along,

            remember,

                long........

And I wondered when it stopped.

There is still a wistfulness,

    a missing the familiarity

        that comes from having basically grown up together,

            raising children and welcoming grandchildren together,

                being married to one another for nearly 37 years;

but that hurt,

    that gut-wrenching pain,

        that regular longing for what was,

            what might have been,

that painful ache in my heart at certain memories and events,

    that's gone it seems.

It may come again,

    likely will,

        but the regular occurrences,

            the normalcy of pain,

that has stopped.

I anticipate that future occurrences will be short and manageable.

In nine days, it will be exactly ten and a half years

    since he died

        and that realization does not bring pain,

            just that wistfulness.....

 

I love him still.

    I miss him still.

That has not changed

    and will not change.

But the pain is gone -

    as I was told it someday would be.

In its place are joyous memories

    and gratitude for our life together.

In its place is a joy-filled life and love

    and gratitude for God's grace and mercy and healing touch.

 

As my friend said, 

    it is "disheartening and encouraging at the same time."