It's time...

God said several years ago,

"Do this which I ask of you."

I've looked at it.

I've printed the original.

I've begun re-typing it -

            several times...

I've written several versions of the forward.

I've even worked with an interested publisher's editor.

But I haven't done it.

I still feel the spiritual urging to do it. 

I no longer have an interested publisher or editor.

I have several files associated with it.

But it's just been too hard.

 

I cry when I try.

But it's time.

So this month, I am reading it,

my journal entries from that time.

I will shed tears, undoubtedly.

But I will clean that wound, expose it to the air,

and I will begin writing that book

from those entries

of Al's and my journey through cancer and grief.

 

Why today?

Because today is the day that was his first full day

as an in-patient in the hospice facility.

Following a scary and dangerous-to-me night,

our girls and hospice nurse convinced me

that moving him was no longer an option,

it was a necessity for both his sake and mine.

And so the night before,

            at about 7PM,

he left, for the last time, the house where I took him to die

and the transport vehicle took him to the place where he would die

            sixteen days later.

Avoiding the "memories"

hasn't made me forget that -

or any of it.

Why today?

Because I have, in the past,

against my editors wishes and instructions,

given copies of the raw book, still in journal form,

to recently widowed friends who were helped by it.

 

Because my cousin was recently widowed and is struggling -

and the book God has directed me to write isn't there for him.

 

Because another cousin is facing widowhood very soon,

and it isn't there for him.

 

Because it wasn't there for my dearest female friend

when her husband died not quite two years ago.

 

Why today?

Because I am struggling in this 12th January

and think back to that first one

and wish I had realized I wasn't alone

in my thoughts and feelings.

 

Why today?

Because I have been reminded this month

that writing is, for me, a healing balm.

 

Why today?

Because God said so. 

Firmly.

I dreamed of Madison

I never met Madison.

She died several years before I entered her arena,

long before I ever heard her name.

I have met her mother and one sister,

and perhaps the rest of the family as well,

though I don't recall it,

but I never came to know them well.

I am Facebook friends with her sister and father,

but I'm not sure that should we pass in the mall

they would recognize me nor I them.

Yet, early this morning,

I vividly dreamed of Madison.

During his illness,

one of the things that most bothered my Al

was that our then three-year-old granddaughter

would probably not really remember him.

Nearly 12 years later, I now know, despite insisting otherwise,

he was not wrong.

And now it bothers me.

Another thing that bothers me these days

is the knowledge that our great-grandsons 

will never meet him this side of Heaven.

 

It also bothers me that Lanny's Judy will never meet her grandchildren.

 

All three of these things bother me a LOT recently.

 

I suppose it's the time of year

coupled with the fact that our great-grands are so fun 

toddling 

    and crawling 

        and learning to talk 

             and stacking blocks 

                and.... 

 

And the fact that as a grandmother,

I know what pleasure my grandchildren bring me

and as a parent, I know how sad it made me that 

my mother did not see my children grow up,

that the one who met her has no actual memories of her

coupled with the fact that it bothers my Lanny Love and bonus children

causes me angst.

But early this morning,

I dreamed vividly of Madison

    whom I never met.

We conversed about things she would have been interested in.

    We did things that she would have enjoyed doing.

        We laughed a lot!

            We talked about my new, very short, curly haircut

            and how similar it is to hers

            but not nearly as cute on me.

The dream was extremely vivid.

And, I think, pretty accurate to Madison's personality.

Madison, whom I never met,

yet know because of the vivid, loving posts

of her sister and father.

I do not remember Madison,

but I know her.

 

Thanks for the clarity, young friend! 

 

 

An interesting aside.

After I had mostly completed this post,

I discovered that today is the 13th anniversary

of the end of Madison's earthly life.

I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind,

I probably knew this,

but it was way in the back of my mind.

I love God's timing and use of His children,

even after they have left this world.

 

Stalling

I am stalling right now.

I am a SAD sufferer.

Even before my
Al's death,

January through March were difficult for me.

Shorter days and the resulting lack of sunshine

negatively affects me.

Over the years, I have learned coping tools

like increased vitamin D,

    increased time in God's Word,

        increased exercise (this one is the most likely to be pushed to the side),

            and surrounding myself with people and things that bring me pleasure.

For example, I have carried on my mother's tradition

of early setup and late break down of Christmas decor.

The sparkle and twinkle and magic makes me smile.

So they always go up on or before Thanksgiving weekend

and never come down until after Epiphany (January 6).

So last week on January 7,

we unplugged the outside lights and the inside window lights,

and I dismantled and took down the living room tree 

that stands in the front window and is visible from the street.

I switched out the Christmas dishes for the regular dishes.

And that's where I stopped.

For the last several days,

my to-do list has included taking down some piece of Christmas decor.

I have a LOT of Christmas decor

including eight indoor trees.)

So far, I've been doing an excellent job of stalling.

So thank you for being a part of my procrastination -

and just another few moments of magical smiles.

The twelfth January

It is January,

the month I became a widow.

Today is January 6.

A significant day in my journey to widowhood.

But not a sad one.

 

That January 6 day was difficult.

It was filled with pain and hallucinations.

But it ended with God's brilliant light and deep, deep love surrounding us.

Today is a day I celebrate.

 

Perhaps some January 6

I will tell the story of that day,

22 days before his death,

but not yet.

It was a precious, intimate moment in time

between my Al, my God, and me.

 

This is the twelfth January since my Al went home

and it is odd.

I told my sister yesterday that

this year, it is constantly on my mind,

that time of his increasing illness and approaching death.

It's a return to that time of constant awareness that he is gone.

But it is not the hard grief of that first January after his death,

or even the strange pre-widowed dread/grief of watching him die that January.

It is just constantly there.

I find myself having trouble concentrating,

like grief-fog but without the anguished pain and tears.

I am having trouble sleeping soundly

and am, therefore, sleeping more.

It's an odd time.

 

And yet, in the midst of my odd grief awareness,

I am happier and more content that at any other time in my life.

My Lanny Love and I grow more in-love daily.

My life is filled with God's favor and blessing.

Life is good!

That is what remarriage from widowhood is like!

Really, I suppose, I pray, 

what widowhood is like, remarried or not.

We never forget.

    We never stop loving.

        We never stop missing.

And yet, life moves forward.

We learn to live.

    We learn who we are in this new, unwelcome life.

        We learn to smile, even when it's forced.

Then one day we realize,

life is good once again!

It's different, but it's good!

The forced learning is over

and natural living and the same learning we all experience in life

has replaced the confusion of those first early days, weeks, years.

If you haven't reached that place yet,

it's okay, you will.

It doesn't come easily.

It takes "intentionality" and practice and following God's leading,

but you will eventually reach it!

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other

and moving forward!

Home

I never cease to be amazed at how everything

ties back to that division in time,

before my Al's death/after my Al's death.

That one event is the defining moment of my life.

Maybe my salvation should be.

Maybe marrying either time should be.

Maybe having children should be.

And all of those things are defining moments,

but the one that has divided my life into a BC/AD existence,

the thing that rocked my world off its axis

spinning me in the opposite direction and upside down,

that most defining of moments,

that one thing that changed everything,

that gave me a "before" and an "after",

that one thing was Al's death.

 

I have had a lot of change in my life.

By the time I was 12,

I had lived in five states and

about 10 different towns/cities.

Our lives were in a constant state of flux.

So while I won't claim to have enjoyed change,

I was accustomed to it.

I fairly quickly accepted new circumstances,

usually before the change actually took place,

and, as much as was in my power to do so,

made the very best out of my current reality.

 

The first few years of my marriage to my Al

were pretty similar.

We moved from apartment to apartment,

then house to house.

We moved from city to city a couple times.

Change was always on the horizon.

That was my life and I was used to it.

Eventually we settled down and stayed put

for nearly 20 years.

 

From the time I was 14 going forward,

there were always two constants.

My God and my Al.

Neither one of them appeared to be going anywhere.

My parents and grandparents passed away.

God and my Al were still there.

Our children, as they should, grew up and left home.

God and my Al stayed put.

Friends came and went,

cities and churches changed,

jobs were accepted and left,

God and my Al...yep. 

Still there.

 

Until my Al wasn't.

And change became my enemy.

 

Just over three years ago

my Lanny Love and I closed on Mount Newton Love Nest.

The first eleven months we were married,

we lived in "his" home.

For the next nearly five years, in Newton Love Nest our,

I assumed,

last home on earth.

I loved that house!!!

It suited me. 

It suited us!

Though we had already been married nearly a year when we moved into it,

It was where he and I became us.

After nearly five years,

several things pushed us to make the decision to sell.

I thought I was ready.

I wasn't.

 

I love Mount Newton!

The property and water system were what we bought.

They just happened to have a house attached to them. 

A house that was sound.

A house that I disliked.

Intensely. 

 

We modified, choosing everything to suit our tastes,

heavy on the "my" in "our".

And when it was done and we moved in...

I hated it.

The day we closed on the other house

I cried at the closing.

Sobbed.

 

I didn't understand it.

Others didn't understand it.

It's a lovely home.

It's in a lovely area.

It's just what we needed.

But it wasn't home.

And I think I might have been pretty determined

not to let it become home.

For two years I was pretty determined.

And pretty successful!

 

Then around this time last year

I said to myself,

 

"Self, this is ridiculous!!!

Why are you so unhappy with this house???

It's a cute house!

It's a nice house!

Why don't you like this house???"

 

I couldn't come up with a single reason

other than it different

and it wasn't the other house.

 

So I began working at loving it.

And guess what?

Today, I really like and enjoy our home!

 

How did I make the change?

Well, I stopped looking back at the house I lost.

I stopped saying "No other house will ever be as good!"

I stopped comparing this house to that one...

...and focusing on the negative differences inthis house.

I began creating in this house

what I missed in that house - 

namely nooks and crannies,

little hide-aways and reading corners and unique features.

 

I allowed myself to like it!!!

 

It hit me on the third anniversary of closing on Mount Newton Love Nest

while I was noticing the date.

This transition has, in many ways,

mimicked the transition from married

    to widowed

        to remarried.

Right down to the timeline.

For two years I sorrowed over the house I lost,

stubbornly refusing to see see anything but the loss.

For two years, I sorrowed intensely over my Al.

When I knew I could not live in anguish for the rest of my life,

I began "painting walls" in the dating world

(far earlier than I should have I now realize)

comparing everyone to my Al and dismissing them out of hand,

or, twice, choosing men who, in my heart of hearts,

I knew were not for me from the get-go.

I have wondered recently if that was why I chose them,

distractions that would not, could not, possibly be for me.....

 

Then came the time of "still" mourning and listening to God,

a time where I changed nothing,

not so much as moving a stick of furniture.

I began to see the potential.

I began to notice life was for living,

not for comparing,

not for "fine...whatever" changes,

not for desperation "fixes" that fixed nothing.

And when that time was completed,

God opened the door to my Lanny Love.

He is perfect for me.

He is all I prayed for,

    hoped for,

        dreamed of...

and then God made him even better than that!

Recently, a dear friend and I

(she is in her second year of widowhood)

were discussing before and after and expectations.

Life is not the same after.

It never will be the same.

I am not the same.

Never will I be that person again.

And neither will "the same" be the case for her.

Or for any of us.

This house is not the one I shared with Al

It is not the one I lived in alone.

It is not the one my Lanny Love shared with me for a bit.

It is not the one I thought would be my last.

But this house has become more than a house this past year.

It has become "home".

Change is hard!

This widowhood thing is the hardest,

especially at this time of year!

It takes time, but like this house is now home,

widows and widowers will come to "be" again.

The drifting will end!

You will find yourself!

Feel the grief!

Process the change!

And when it's time,

let yourself find "home"!

And remember, it's okay to still love the other life,

to still miss it and "him" or "her".

Allowing yourself to live, to accept what is,

to actually embrace and come to love it,

is good and honoring to the one you lost!

May God lead each of you "home"!

"What does love even look like?"

"What does love even look like?"

I was recently asked this question 

by a frustrated friend.

We talked about it for a while

and finally summarized that

while their are some commonalities,

love looks different for each person

and the most successful love stories

are those where the "look" is most similar

for those involved.

Yesterday, I was not feeling well.

Ginger ale and saltines were the order of the day.

These are not things we keep in our gluten-free,

mostly sugar-free home 

so my sweet hubby ran to the store.

This is not a quick trip for the most part.

We live six miles outside of town.

So it takes some thoughtful effort to make a "quick" trip,

some sacrifice if one is doing something else and didn't plan to get out.

He came home with saltines, ginger ale (my favorite brand of both)

and roses.

So here's a picture of what love looks like for me.

It looks like thoughtfulness, effort, sacrifice, "knowing", and caring.....

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

                                    ~~ Romans 12:10 ~~

Mother-in-love Blessings

Yesterday, we celebrated my mother-in-love's 95th birthday.

Today, I commemorate my first mother-in-love's 99th.

I have been twice blessed!!!

My first mother-in-love was "mom" for nearly 40 years,

my second for nearly nine and counting.

And both truly are moms to me!

So many daughters-in-law never have a good relationship

with their husband's mothers,

in fact, that is what they are, "husband's mother"

and nothing more.

I look up to, admire and love both of mine

and they me.

I was 18 when my first mother-in-love became "mom" to me.

Honestly?

I rolled my eyes a few times with her.

And she wanted more than once to turn me over her knee,

but did the grown up version instead.

She didn't so much complain about me (most of the time) as to me

when she had a problem with me.

Just like her own children.

And the same in reverse.

Just like my own mother.

And she loved on me.

In many ways, she was my protector, especially as a teen girlfriend.

Just like a mom!

I miss her deeply and look forward to that great reunion one day!

With my second, it has been a different kind of relationship.

I am not the first wife, stealing her baby from her nest.

I am bring him solace and comfort,

    dancing from mourning,

        life from mere existence.

I am significantly older.

As is she.

So, no eye rolling,

no adult-version spanking.

But lots and lots of love and friendship.

We have shared our hearts deeply with one another.

 

What a blessing to still have her!

I dread the day that I know is coming 

when we will have to say "good-bye" for a while. 

I think about my mother-in-love in Heaven

and wonder if she and my first father-in-love

have met my second father-in-love.

I wonder if all my and my Lanny Love's people

have embraced one another.

 

Perhaps today they are all sharing a cup of coffee and slice of birthday cake,

    my Al,

        Lanny's Judy,

            my mom and first set of in-love's,

                maybe my dad, I hope,

                    Lanny's daddy,

                        our grandparents

                            the babies we did not get to raise,

                                the siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins.......

                                    all the people that comprised my Lanny Love's and my lives,

and chatting about their people still here

just as we visit together about our people who are there.

I can see them in my mind's eye,

laughing 'til tears roll about the memories

and nodding knowingly about those things that brought the other kind of tears

but which they now see clearly.

It is a mind picture I enjoy.

 

These people,

are my heavenly blessings,

the ones I most look forward to embracing

right after Jesus!

How I love them all!!!

Happy birthday, moms!!!

Mom Garrett

Mom Newton

Titles

I am in the third quarter of my 12th year,

approaching my 12th anniversary

as a widow.

This week, my Lanny Love observed his 11th anniversary

and entered his 12th year

as a widower.

 

As all of them have,

this year has encompassed

both the expected and the unexpected.

I anticipate a comparable journey for my Lanny Love.

I am surprised by the similarities -

    and the differences -

in the journey of remarried widowhood,

not just between he and I, but generally,

just like widowhood itself.

 

Can I be honest here?

I was a shocked that remarriage

didn't "cure" my widowhood.

Nor did it cure my Lanny Love's.

Nor does it appear to cure that of 

any of my remarried widow friends.

You know the saying 

"once a mother, always a mother"?

It is equally true to say 

"once a widow/widower, always a widow/widower".

That surprised me.

It doesn't seem quite fair to me,

but then what does with widowhood?

 

One of the things that I really struggled with in the beginning

was the Biblical truth that the moment my Al's soul left his body,

I was no longer married.

    I felt married!!!

        I wanted to be married!!!

            But I wasn't married.

Our marriage covenant, 

our contract if you will,

was complete.

I was no longer joined to God as "one" with him,

but was one alone with God.

I remember how angry I was

the first time I received mail addressed to "Ms.",

how devastating it felt

to check that "single" box the first time.

 

So, if "married" ends with death,

why doesn't "widow" end with remarriage?

Because it doesn't!!!

    I still feel widowed.

        I still look around me and don't see my Al.

            I still know I was once married to another.

                I still I love him.

 

Sometimes I ponder that truth, 

that widowhood does not end with remarriage,

quietly, like now.

Sometimes I relish and embrace it for it is proof that he existed.

Sometimes I turn from it, arms crossed,

determined to ignore it.

Sometimes I face it head on

and scream 

"NO!!!!! 

I AM NO LONGER A WIDOW!!!!! 

I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND!!!!!"

Depends on the day, 

    the season of grief, 

        the...who knows.

 

So, what has been different in this 12th year

other than my pondering of my title? 

I think less

"The day Al died"

and more

"The day I became a widow"

about that January day

because my Al is NOT dead,

he is more alive than am I

while I remain a widow.

Perhaps part of the title musing...

perhaps a large part..........

 

There has been increased relief from active grief.

That seems to be a constant over the years.

Each year is a relief over the last,

though the "moments" continue.

The "moments" are different.

And the same.

Every year.

 

But there has also been a mild increase 

in panic attacks this year

which, for me, have been a consistency 

in varying degrees and frequency

since my Al's diagnosis.

 

There has been a return to the constant awareness

that my Al is gone.

That "shadow of death" has returned to my life this year

hovering constantly over my shoulder.

Strangely, it has not brought sadness as in the past,

but a measure of comfort.

This I cannot explain.

 

Both my Lanny Love and I seem to talk even more about

his Judy and my Al recently.

They seem never far from our active thoughts.

I think my increased conversations,

as have his,

started near the anniversary date last year

so maybe it's just a 12th year thing.

 

With remarriage, loneliness ends,

but loneliness for "that person" does not.

That has increased this year.

I miss my Al more again,

miss his quirks,

    his wit,

        his corny jokes,

            his mannerisms,

                his marvelous voice,

                    and the way he uniquely loved me and I him.

Again, unexplainably, rather than sadness,

this missing has brought comfort.

 

Some of these things are probably associated to

having spent the last year

walking with my dearest female friend

through her first year of widowhood.

So many reminders and memories...

But much of it I think is simply part of the cycle of grief.

Grief most definitely softens!!!

The constant anguish of those first couple years

has never returned.

There have been periods,

some of them long, some brief,

but never the perpetual unbrokeness

and never the depth

of those first years.

But neither grief nor widowhood come to an end.

 

And why would we expect it to?

When my child died, I did not cease being his mother.

I still grieve him, wonder...

When my parents died, I did not cease being their daughter.

I still miss them, wonder...

When my husband died,

    while God said I ceased being a wife,

        He replaced that title with "widow" 

            permanently it would seem.

 

I am once again a wife,

belonging solely to my Lanny Love and he to me.

But he is still his Judy's widower,

I am still my Al's widow. 

Somehow, when a divorcee remarries,

they are no longer a divorcee.

But in widowhood, we seem to hold dual titles in remarriage.

Lanny's wife

AND

Al's widow

 

Gina's husband

AND

Judy's widower

It somehow doesn't seem quite fair...

And perfectly fair and right. 

In this 12th year of my widowhood,

I am the most content,

    the most happy,

        the most calm,

            the most...settled

I have ever been.

This is my life.

And I love my life,

the good, the bad, and the ugly,

for all have worked together to mold me after my Heavenly Father,

and that is all I desire!

I am a woman greatly blessed by God!!!

This year, above all others,

has proven to me that Romans 8:28 is indeed truth!

And we know [with great confidence] 

that God [who is deeply concerned about us] 

causes all things [even those things which do not seem good]

 to work together for good for those who love God, 

to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.

 

As I pray for my Lanny Love in this 12th year,

as always, I think of my own journey,

and, as always, ask God to give me wisdom and discernment

in walking with him in partnership

through this journey that is remarried widowhood.