I never cease to be amazed at how everything
ties back to that division in time,
before my Al's death/after my Al's death.
That one event is the defining moment of my life.
Maybe my salvation should be.
Maybe marrying either time should be.
Maybe having children should be.
And all of those things are defining moments,
but the one that has divided my life into a BC/AD existence,
the thing that rocked my world off its axis
spinning me in the opposite direction and upside down,
that most defining of moments,
that one thing that changed everything,
that gave me a "before" and an "after",
that one thing was Al's death.
I have had a lot of change in my life.
By the time I was 12,
I had lived in five states and
about 10 different towns/cities.
Our lives were in a constant state of flux.
So while I won't claim to have enjoyed change,
I was accustomed to it.
I fairly quickly accepted new circumstances,
usually before the change actually took place,
and, as much as was in my power to do so,
made the very best out of my current reality.
The first few years of my marriage to my Al
were pretty similar.
We moved from apartment to apartment,
then house to house.
We moved from city to city a couple times.
Change was always on the horizon.
That was my life and I was used to it.
Eventually we settled down and stayed put
for nearly 20 years.
From the time I was 14 going forward,
there were always two constants.
My God and my Al.
Neither one of them appeared to be going anywhere.
My parents and grandparents passed away.
God and my Al were still there.
Our children, as they should, grew up and left home.
God and my Al stayed put.
Friends came and went,
cities and churches changed,
jobs were accepted and left,
God and my Al...yep.
Still there.
Until my Al wasn't.
And change became my enemy.
Just over three years ago
my Lanny Love and I closed on Mount Newton Love Nest.
The first eleven months we were married,
we lived in "his" home.
For the next nearly five years, in Newton Love Nest our,
I assumed,
last home on earth.
I loved that house!!!
It suited me.
It suited us!
Though we had already been married nearly a year when we moved into it,
It was where he and I became us.
After nearly five years,
several things pushed us to make the decision to sell.
I thought I was ready.
I wasn't.
I love Mount Newton!
The property and water system were what we bought.
They just happened to have a house attached to them.
A house that was sound.
A house that I disliked.
Intensely.
We modified, choosing everything to suit our tastes,
heavy on the "my" in "our".
And when it was done and we moved in...
I hated it.
The day we closed on the other house
I cried at the closing.
Sobbed.
I didn't understand it.
Others didn't understand it.
It's a lovely home.
It's in a lovely area.
It's just what we needed.
But it wasn't home.
And I think I might have been pretty determined
not to let it become home.
For two years I was pretty determined.
And pretty successful!
Then around this time last year
I said to myself,
"Self, this is ridiculous!!!
Why are you so unhappy with this house???
It's a cute house!
It's a nice house!
Why don't you like this house???"
I couldn't come up with a single reason
other than it different
and it wasn't the other house.
So I began working at loving it.
And guess what?
Today, I really like and enjoy our home!
How did I make the change?
Well, I stopped looking back at the house I lost.
I stopped saying "No other house will ever be as good!"
I stopped comparing this house to that one...
...and focusing on the negative differences inthis house.
I began creating in this house
what I missed in that house -
namely nooks and crannies,
little hide-aways and reading corners and unique features.
I allowed myself to like it!!!
It hit me on the third anniversary of closing on Mount Newton Love Nest
while I was noticing the date.
This transition has, in many ways,
mimicked the transition from married
to widowed
to remarried.
Right down to the timeline.
For two years I sorrowed over the house I lost,
stubbornly refusing to see see anything but the loss.
For two years, I sorrowed intensely over my Al.
When I knew I could not live in anguish for the rest of my life,
I began "painting walls" in the dating world
(far earlier than I should have I now realize)
comparing everyone to my Al and dismissing them out of hand,
or, twice, choosing men who, in my heart of hearts,
I knew were not for me from the get-go.
I have wondered recently if that was why I chose them,
distractions that would not, could not, possibly be for me.....
Then came the time of "still" mourning and listening to God,
a time where I changed nothing,
not so much as moving a stick of furniture.
I began to see the potential.
I began to notice life was for living,
not for comparing,
not for "fine...whatever" changes,
not for desperation "fixes" that fixed nothing.
And when that time was completed,
God opened the door to my Lanny Love.
He is perfect for me.
He is all I prayed for,
hoped for,
dreamed of...
and then God made him even better than that!
Recently, a dear friend and I
(she is in her second year of widowhood)
were discussing before and after and expectations.
Life is not the same after.
It never will be the same.
I am not the same.
Never will I be that person again.
And neither will "the same" be the case for her.
Or for any of us.
This house is not the one I shared with Al
It is not the one I lived in alone.
It is not the one my Lanny Love shared with me for a bit.
It is not the one I thought would be my last.
But this house has become more than a house this past year.
It has become "home".
Change is hard!
This widowhood thing is the hardest,
especially at this time of year!
It takes time, but like this house is now home,
widows and widowers will come to "be" again.
The drifting will end!
You will find yourself!
Feel the grief!
Process the change!
And when it's time,
let yourself find "home"!
And remember, it's okay to still love the other life,
to still miss it and "him" or "her".
Allowing yourself to live, to accept what is,
to actually embrace and come to love it,
is good and honoring to the one you lost!
May God lead each of you "home"!
